Thu, Jul 3, 2014 at 8:25 PM
Long story short.
My bridal shower was 2 weeks ago. My MOH spent 3 hours after it talking about her horrible marriage, and the 3 hours during about her "new miracle baby" (she had an iud and it "fell out") and how she "almost died" in labor. I haven't heard from her since the shower. I want to demote her.
I actually want her to not come because she brings her iPad everywhere. And this is her weapon of showing off her baby to my guests. Not so bad, except for I'm going through fertility treatments, so it hurts my soul.
I found out she's on oxy (again), so she's been lying to me about that.
If her husband is so horrible and abusive (I don't think he's as bad as she says) then I don't want him at the wedding.
I don't get a lot of "me" time and parties because I have social anxiety. So she was the center of my shower, but I don't want her the center of my wedding.
When she was pregnant I spent hundreds on her baby gifts and parties and went to all of her ER visits (I am on disability and a full time student and worker) so it was expensive for me. She didn't get me a gift (not a big deal, but she makes 4x what I do per month), so I found it odd.
Can someone help me quick? Wedding is mid-August.
*****
Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 12:40 PM
How bad is the drug abuse? Are you worried she'll have a meltdown in the middle of your wedding?
*****
Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 1:44 PM
I'm worried she will have an "allergy attack" or "not feel well" and the ambulance will need to be called. Or she will try and whip out her iPad to show baby pictures to everyone. Apparently at the bridal shower she didn't stop talking about her own wedding and pregnancy and baby at all.
We're going through fertility issues so her baby talk at my shower really upset me. Every time I try to call her she's "napping."
I'm thinking of hiring someone just to babysit her.
*****
It sounds like your friend is very unhappy. Maybe she's raving about this miracle baby because it's the only good thing going on in her life. Maybe she's trying to convince herself it's a good thing.
Either way, I bet she has no idea she's hurting your feelings.
Write her an email. Tell her everything you just told us. (Or: Send her a link to this post.) Gently request that she LEAVE THE FUCKING IPAD AT HOME.
And then, yes, hire a babysitter.
Image by Ernesto Artillo
Oh man, I don't know...I don't necessarily think it's inappropriate for someone to talk about the happy events happening in their lives at a social event like that. I mean, that's what small-talk is. No doubt people asked "So what's new with you?" and she answered them by talking about her baby. That sounds pretty normal to me, but then again I am one of the only child-less women in a large group of friends and I am pretty used to listening to my friends gush about their babies when we all get together. It doesn't offend me, even though I too have had pregnancy issues. I don't want my friends to feel like they need to censor themselves around me. And really, their happiness brings me happiness. AND, even though I sometimes feel a little sad or jealous, at the end of the day, I am the one getting to do whatever the hell I want while they are all changing poopy diapers and bowing out of social events at 6 PM because their baby has HAD IT and needs to go to bed. ;) ;)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, suffice to say that ESB is right about being concerned about the drug thing, but your complaint about her chatting with friends about her baby? Seems like you have off-base expectations as far as what people are "allowed" to talk about around you. This is perfectly normal subject matter.
Yeah... I think your friend is deeply unhappy right now, and while it's sometimes hard to be patient with people who are "going through things" that's what friends need to do. Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen at convenient times. I totally understand the desire for your friend to be more focused on you. She's your best friend, and it's a big day for you... you're supposed to share these things! But while it might sound like a totally reasonable request to ask her to try to focus on you, I have a feeling that if she's resorted to using drugs to cope with her unhappiness she's probably not totally in command of her behavior, particularly how her depression manifests itself outwardly. You might end up really hurting her feelings in the process. I know from your perspective it feels like she's too caught up in her own drama to pay any attention to this major life event you're experiencing, but that's EXACTLY how it might read to her if you try to call her out on it.
ReplyDeleteIf you're really worried about her causing a scene at your wedding with the ambulance, it sounds like she's in need of some attention. Maybe she feels like her life is spiraling out of control and no one has noticed? I know this might not be something you want to do, but instead of emailing her to tell her she hurt your feelings, why don't you write her a note to let her know that you've noticed something's up with her. Tell her you're sorry you've been so preoccupied with the wedding, but you want to be there for her and maybe after the big day you guys can spend some quality time together and talk about what's going on with her? Sometimes just feeling like someone has actually noticed and wants to help can make a big difference. I know that might sound too much like "being the bigger person", but actually it's just being a good friend. Whether she deserves it or not, you never lose by being kind to someone.
But I would totally get a friend to look out for her on your wedding day. You don't need to be babysitting anyone.
PS: Her husband might not seem all that horrible and abusive to you, but remember that she sees him in all the private moments that the rest of the world will never know about. Maybe he is, and maybe he isn't, but abusive partners don't always look like monsters to everyone else. There are a lot of women (and people in general) in dangerous situations because people don't believe that they're living with abuse.
Yes, especially the last part-- dismissing her suggestion that she has an abusive partner is never okay.
DeleteThis is how she has been for years. She got other people to notice her and complain. I've tried to reach out a number of times the past few weeks and I have gone unanswered.
ReplyDeleteThe RSVP I got has her name. +1.5. That's her n baby. But idk if the other one is her husband. Or another man that she is "madly in love with". And I know the other man. And I don't want him at my wedding.
Sounds like you've maybe made up your mind already? In which case you could, I dunno, just follow your instincts. I read the key issue here as being the big frustration in having your efforts at reaching out to this friend go constantly unanswered. So you can't rest assured that you're friend wouldn't tote the ipad along, bring the "other man", or just end up somehow "hijacking" the wedding. So...
DeleteESB's suggestion to tell her all your thoughts or direct her to this link is in fact a good idea (and not too bold, especially if you guys are really friends and she can handle having you "break the ice" in this way).
If things don't work out with her in the end, then I guess you can know you made the effort to offer an open, honest conversation (for at least as long as your patience & the lead-time to the wedding could hold out).
You all are right. I will continue to try to talk to her. She always dismisses what I say, so we will see. She just has really hurt my feelings yet again and I was hoping she would be a supportive friend like I have been for her. I want her to be as awesome of a person as she used to be like when we first met.
DeleteWhy did you ask her in the first place? "She has hurt my feelings yet again"; "this is how she's been for years"; "she always dismisses what I say" ....
ReplyDeleteWhat were you expecting if this is her history?????? What you want is clearly what she is anymore.
She was one of my closest friends. What I wanted was the reciprocation of the love and caring I gave her for her wedding and the birth of her child.
ReplyDelete