BEST WEDDING PRESENT EVAR

For your cool weirdy friends who couldn't be bothered to register.........

Enameled metal cups + plates featuring images from Maurizio Cattelan + Pierpaolo Ferrari/TOILETPAPER magazine ($20-22 each at MoMA).




I kinda want to buy us a set just for camping.

NOTE TO SELF: GO CAMPING

the universe owes me shoes

Dear Slightly Buzzed Fairy Godmother,

I'm getting hitched. And it blew up in my face. I wanted 75 people -- we're pushing 200. I wanted a backyard BBQ -- we're having a formal sit down dinner. I wanted to get married in the evening to beat the summer heat -- we'll be saying our vows at 3pm. I wanted a lot of things that aren't panning out -- such is life. It's easy to blame everyone else, but the truth is, while if I could go back and do it again -- I would have fought a lot hard for what I wanted. ​I didn't though, and this is how it is... and I'm going to suck it up. Everyone else being happy will make me happy. 

However, shoes. I feel like the universe owes me a fucking awesome pair of shoes for the amount of shit I've put up for the last year. I'm low maintenance. I have my standard items and stick by them. And I live in Vans -- which I plan on changing into when dancing starts. But I want a pair of killer floral heels for my most put together day.

I'm in love with these [pictured above]. In my mind, they're as perfect as a floral print gets. But I ordered them and just seriously too high- 6 inches. I can walk in them but I'm worried I'll break my ankle before the day is over. Could you help me find something similar? Preferable a floral print with a chunky heel. 

Thanks so much!  

*****

Those look like hooker shoes, sorta. Teenybopper hooker shoes.

I much prefer these Marais wedges.........................................

Is the liberty print too cutesy?


(You could always go with fancy Vans instead.)

Bangable hair

Hey ESB,

I am in the process of ending a relationship. It was great, until I realized he's a total player and the connection I thought we had was really just my imagination. The sex was amazing, but I have learned the hard way that physical chemistry can be deceptive. Just because his hands knew just how to touch me, his arms just how to squeeze me hello, and his huge dick how to give me multiple orgasms doesn't mean it was done with care. It just means he knows the right moves. And he's using them on a handful of other girls on the nights I'm not with him.

I have long hair (below boob length), which I know is a turn on for most guys, and especially for this dude. He made me feel so potent and sexy, and I think I kept it long for that reason. I've been wanting to cut my hair since before I met him. It seems like now is the time to go for the messy, dirty, I don't give a fuck bob I've been craving. But I hate to admit... part of me worries about not being bangable with short hair.

I know I need to "own it" and that confidence is sexy, but come on, confidence is fickle. I also know hair grows back, but that always takes forever. What if I cut my hair short and look like Lena Dunham on a bad day (but without her sense of humor)? What if I look like a soccer mom? Why do I feel tied to some male expectation of sexy?

I am so ready for a change. Help convince me to say fuck it and just do it. And if you have any other tips, I welcome them with open arms.

*****

Start off slow. You don't have to get a shaved-up-the-back-of-your-neck bob. You can get a messy, sexy, Alexa Chung bob. A Karlie Kloss for Iro bob (see above). A fuck-it, bed-head-y whoever-this-is bob. (Be sure to bring photos to your stylist.)

But do it! Cut it! Cut your hair!

Cut it just to prove to yourself that you are damn sexy with WHATEVER HAIR YOU PLEASE

1. Cut your hair.

2. Buy a killer pair of jeans.

3. Go read The New Yorker at a hotel bar and allow some lonely gentleman to buy you a martini.

4. Go home alone, feeling smug.

4a. Or not! Get on tinder and find yourself some strange!

Great, now I want a bob. (Alexis, are you reading? Should we give me #3?)

Photo: Claudia Knoepfel and Stefan Indlekofer

Lanvin but cheaper ?

Hi ESB,

I am in love with this Lanvin gown but need to find something cheaper ($2,000) or less. My favorite part is the back - but I also like how the front is not-fussy.

The closest alternative that I have found is this Zien gown...but it is custom made in Poland...and I don't think I can justify hopping on a plane.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

*****

not a clue.

ladies?

(i clearly need some sort of bot that feeds your emails straight onto the blog)

(since i'm too busy doing god-knows-what)