My husband and I are backing out of a business endeavor we were super excited about. Our visions weren't lining up with our prospective partners, and we realized that we weren't willing to give what they were expecting. It's fine, but I'm back to feeling lost in the whole "what am I doing with my life?" game. I've had it with my Etsy store, and always knew I wanted to switch gears when my son started school. But I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I suck at working for other people, so I need to start my own project again…. I guess I just wish sometimes that I wasn't so PASSIONATE. I should have just been an accountant.
#whitegirlproblems
*****
I just had a very similar conversation with a writer friend -- she said something like “I feel sorry for people who don’t have something they’re passionate about” and I was like BUT WOULDN’T THAT BE EASIER
Lately I've been in a bit of a funk myself.
I don't want a real job (or: I prefer my real job to run 20 weeks/year) but I'm terrible at managing my time. I scaled back on blogging to give myself space to write, and then spent most of January and February staring at Twitter and/or playing Threes. I decided to use our tax refund to make a short film,* which feels amazing -- I've been casting! and location scouting! and talking about shots with my dp! I feel like a real director again! -- but now I have to get my act together and write the feature script that comes next and YES LIFE IS HARD
I don't want a real job (or: I prefer my real job to run 20 weeks/year) but I'm terrible at managing my time. I scaled back on blogging to give myself space to write, and then spent most of January and February staring at Twitter and/or playing Threes. I decided to use our tax refund to make a short film,* which feels amazing -- I've been casting! and location scouting! and talking about shots with my dp! I feel like a real director again! -- but now I have to get my act together and write the feature script that comes next and YES LIFE IS HARD
Wait, was I supposed to be giving you advice? I'm not sure I'm qualified.
All I can do is send you a ginormous hug across the interwebs and tell you to a) Cut yourself some slack, and then b) GET TO IT. It's okay to take baby steps. It doesn't have to be all good and finished and perfect all at once.
Sophie Vlaming by Hicham Riad for Marie Claire Belgium (March 2014) via visual optimism
______________________________
*Thank you, H.
Sophie Vlaming by Hicham Riad for Marie Claire Belgium (March 2014) via visual optimism
*Thank you, H.
gaarghhssaahhhhsssaggle (imagine someone throwing back their head and making a frustrated sound). Yes. Ugh. I'm an artist. I work for two galleries during the day (both part time), I have a baby, I also freelance (design/video), make sound/music and do various other things. I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Sometimes I look at people who are happy doing their whatever job and have nice couches and mortgages and BBQs on the weekend and think "I am so jealous of your simplicity". And then I realise I'd be really unhappy if I wasn't juggling 56 different things. Or would I?
ReplyDeletefunny you should mention couch. we reaaaaaally need a new couch. but i needed to MAKE SOMETHING more
DeleteI want a nice couch so bad that I window shop for them online. Sigh.
DeleteI have a nice couch. And a cubicle. And I have regular panic attacks about the fact that I am not able to invest in creative projects and really struggle to find ways to be true to myself. #thegrassisalwaysgreener
DeleteI relate to all of this SO much. It's funny you should mention it, because January and February are always my least productive months. I'm a writer who just went freelance and now I have so much time and so little direction with what to do with it.
ReplyDeleteJust start something, and you'll feel better. It doesn't have to be THE THING THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING. Don't put that pressure on yourself. Maybe try doing a project where you post or put something out weekly-- that way you'll have regular deadlines to hold yourself to and you'll build up work quickly and feel more productive.
Hope I can take my own advice...
I've got the job, mortgage, and weekend BBQs.. and I love it.. even though I know it's totally not cool, but I really crave normality and stability. Saying that, I am sometimes jealous of my passionate 'free spirit' friends (am I allowed to say 'free spirits'?) because they have no problem quitting a job and going off travelling for months and just figuring it out when they get back.. like, what? my brain doesn't function like that. which is fine!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know that it goes both ways though!
Right there with ya lady. I would be shitting myself the entire time because how the hell do you just up and quite with no backup plan?!
DeleteAlthough I don't think this means we don't have passion. That manifests itself in many different ways.
Yessss and oh man, I have had it up to here with the blogosphere's obsession with QUITTING YOUR 9-TO-5 AND BEING AN ARTIST, because you guys, I'm fucking passionate about my 9-to-5 and I don't want to be an artist but that doesn't mean I'm a soulless automaton who's slaving for The Man.
DeleteSorry to break up the pity party, but having OMG PASSION isn't only reserved for artists. I'm a scientist and you better believe that requires a fuck ton of passion and self-motivation (and creativity while we're at it). Yes, I certainly have the benefit of falling back on my "traditional" career choice when things get hard, but it's not like I sold out. I am passionate about science, so I am a scientist. You are passionate about writing, so you are a writer.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard, no matter what choices you make. There will always be those people who seem to have everything you don't (for example, I am often super jealous of my free-spirit artist friend who has the flexibility to work where and whenever she wants and as such can travel to exciting and exotic places on a whim).
Passion isn't a thorn in the artist's side, nor does it make you unique. It's motivation. For everyone.
Passion isn't a thorn in the artist's side, nor does it make you unique. It's motivation. For everyone.
Deletemy brother-in-law, a conceptual artist, has a habit of coming over to our apartment and complimenting things i've made by saying stuff like, 'see, you DO have an artistic side!' (i'm a full-time magazine editor). i try not to take it personally, as i know he doesn't do it on purpose, but the ultra-binary ART OR STABILITY, PASSION OR PAYCHEXX angles he rocks make me very tired.
Imagine what it's like when you have to say that you find corporate strategy and managing teams enormously creative;).
DeleteScientists are artists. Scientists are artists. I believe this so deeply.
DeleteAnyone who is massively curious and who thinks creatively and then does something with that is flexing their artist mind muscles. In my humble yet firm opinion.
OP here. To be fair, I don't see anywhere where ESB or I mention passion being a problem that is unique to artists. I said that I should have just been an accountant because believe it or not, artists and artist-types crave stability too. From the outside, although my husband and I don't have conventional careers, we have a conventional life. We have the mortgage, the couch, the kid, and all the responsibility that comes with those things. Anon 2:59, you mentioned having the benefit of falling back on your traditional career. I'm not saying that your life isn't hard in its own ways, but you have to understand that that's BIG. I work for myself not only for mental and emotional reasons, but because it's actually the best idea financially speaking as well. On a good day, doing what I do, I could bring in about $15 p/h working for someone else. I live in an expensive urban city, and we just started paying for preschool. I don't know if you have kids or are planning on having kids, but $15 p/h does not a preschool tuition make (and our school is one of the cheapest we came across). If I could land a job in my field that paid me even a little bit more and provided me with ANY benefits at all, then I'm just saying that it would be nice to have that as a consideration from time to time. So maybe I worded it wrong. What I was trying to say was that it would be nice to be passionate about a career that could provide me with more options and peace of mind. I love what I do, but I hate that I feel like I'm always wandering into the unknown, and crossing my fingers in hopes that my next endeavor doesn't end up being a total disaster or financial failure. It's scary and unsettling, and no one likes being scared or feeling unsettled. Not even artists.
DeleteAnd for the record, I definitely don't think having a traditional career to fall back on makes anyone a sell-out.
Melissa - YES preach that truth - I feel like I've been banging on people's chests trying to get the message across that scientists are artists and artists are scientists too, and this whole left-brain-right-brain-division thing is such a huge load of horseshit and everyone's got a passion that's balanced in some particular peculiar individual way between the two, and there's NOTHING wrong with anyone's way of balancing it.
DeleteI wish I lived in a world where I could say, "I suck at working for other people" and "I’m tired of my Etsy store." A friend said something similar: “I think I’m just not meant to work full-time.” Whattttttt
DeleteAnyway, to say something constructive here, for me it is about balance and compromise. I am a professional musician, but the instability of not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from is not an option. I also cannot handle having to take any shitty gig that comes my way just so I can eat. So, I have a "whatever" job which I am good at and enjoy well enough, that provides me with some of the best health insurance in the state, a pension, retirement accounts, and lots of paid vacation and sick time. Having this job gives me the peace of mind and security you talk about, OP, while being flexible enough for me to pursue my passion for music. And bonus, I earn money as a musician. I just don't 100% support myself with those earnings. I am not always 100% satisfied with my full-time job either, and yes, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do it. But I am OK with the compromise I made, because I have both stability AND passion in my life. In my experience it doesn’t have to be one or the other.
@OP
DeleteWhat I was trying to say was that it would be nice to be passionate about a career that could provide me with more options and peace of mind.
I hoped that's what you meant, but my past experiences definitely colored my interpretation of your words. Like Lauren mentioned, there are definitely people out there who have an either or mindset ("PASSION or PAYCHECXX"). Not saying you are one of those people. But I've definitely had people belittle my life choices because they are traditional, as if that means I didn't work as hard for them or I don't care passionately about them.
What I really wanted to get across is you shouldn't feel like passion is a burden. Be happy that you love something so much that you are willing to trudge through shitty parts of life for it. Imagine trying to support yourself without passion as a motivator!
I was also trying to say that everyone feels shitty about their jobs sometime. On my shitty days I wonder what my life would have been like if I pursued my interest in photography instead of science. Would I be happier and less stressed? But then I have to remind myself that the grass is always greener on the other side. I don't know if that helps, but it makes me feel better when I feel shitty about my life choices.
- Anon 2:59
@Anon 2:59: Thank you. <3
DeleteI know that the grass is always greener on the other side. When I wrote into ESB, I was having a bad day and working through a tough period in my life, and just wanted to say, "Hey, life is challenging sometimes… doesn't that suck?"
I know everyone goes through this from time to time because I've seen every single person I know have this internal battle. I certainly wasn't trying to create a war between creatives and non-creatives. It does really sadden me to see how much animosity some people have towards others and their career/life choices. We're all different and I'm assuming that we all work hard to do what's best for ourselves and our families, so if we're not hurting anyone else in the process, why is there so much resentment? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent here. Again, my intentions were never to offend anyone. Thanks for hearing me out.
I'm the first anon and I just wanted to chime back in to say that in no way do I think that I'm a SPESHULSNOWFLAKE of creativity and freedom because I'm an artist. I simply mentioned it because that is my particular situation. Also, I'm not a trust fund baby or SAHM with my husband's income supporting my etsy store. I don't think that passion and creativity are only the realm of artists at ALL. Actually my art practice sits in the technology side of things, so I am well aware of the passion, dedication and drive that it takes to study and work in science and technology. However I get told every day that what I do isn't worth anything. Artists don't get paid properly ever (yes I know, neither do scientists, academics, teachers etc etc). I'm someone who has worked really hard and it's starting to very slowly pay off, if not in financial means but in profile and opportunities but I work two other jobs and freelance apart from my actual "career" and I still only just make ends meet, so sometimes I do think "WTF am I doing this for? I'm nearly 31, maybe it's time to let go of the dream?"
DeleteOccasionally I fantasise about going back to school and studying law and political science. Which I could probably be just as happy carving a career in... Maybe.
I was just IMing with my baby sister, kvetching about some clients, and she said "but I thought you liked your job!" yes. I do. but it sucks sometimes, as does... everything. it's worth doing something that involves at least some PASSION because you need something to balance out the inevitable part-time suckage.
ReplyDeleteas cheesy as it sounds, what I am learning (very slowly, over and over) is that your gut will tell you what feels right. start small with something that appeals to you, even if it isn't Enough To Support You Forever, and it'll grow.
Threes is so addictive, I almost can't stand it.
ReplyDeleteCheryl Strayed's Dear Sugar (or maybe that's not-ESB style? I can't always tell) has some helpful thoughts on this issue. There's no answer, duh, but Strayed and ESB are my two fave advice columns. :)
ReplyDeleteDid I write this in and forget? I'm in a very similar situation (Etsy shop, new endeavors, accountant envy, etc.) While I totally appreciate my passionate side, I sometimes wish I could be content having a 9-5. What helps ease my "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE" anxiety is taking things slow. Instead of trying to figure out everything all at once, I'm dipping my toe into things until something feels right. I hope that makes a little sense.
ReplyDeletewhy the f is "white girl problems" back?? didn't we establish how exclusionary this is?
ReplyDeleteyou think only white girls are "artists" or are "passionate" or have "projects"? geez. we've been over this!
Agreed.
DeleteAgreed, I think OP was trying to admit that she knew she was being whiny or something, but "white girl problems" wasn't the right way to do it.
DeleteAgreed!
DeleteOMIGOD IT WAS A JOKE
Deleteyeah, that time it was pretty clearly a joke.
Deletebut, it's not a funny joke. i get that it's a way to say 'in the grand scheme of things my problems are not dire,' but what does race have to do with that? it comes across like a white privilege thing -- 'because i am white my problems are a business venture falling through, thinking about what my next business venture might be, and being tired of my etsy store.' 'but if i were not white, boy would i have real problems then!' people of color tire of their etsy stores and white people have all kinds of different problems. even if this is not what you meant to say, that's the way it sounds, so you should stop saying it.
Deletei meant i think it was a joke referencing how terrible it was to say it before, but as it's not my joke either way and i don't say it, i'm going to leave it alone.
DeleteI'm confused. Who's offended by this obvious joke? Is it white people or non-white people? Or, is it white people being offended for non-white people? Because as a non-white person (and the OP) that would be REALLY offensive.
DeleteNon-white artist and business owner here. Anonymous: Does it matter? From one non-white to another: This empty Jezebel-style outrage must end, but if people make those kinds of distrinctions it will never end.
DeleteShe clearly meant it as a meta joke, but it's outdated and pointless. It betrays a self-consciousness that is probably preventing her from being happy with her life regardless of what happens.
Some solid everyday advice: Passion is what gets you to start, but discipline is what gets you to finish. The "craft" is the part in which you are able to push yourself through a project even when you are not passionate, and solve problems with compromises. Talk to your partner and figure out what your creative priorities really are.
I've been going through some work-stuff recently too, and highly highly recommend Pam Slim's "Body of Work." It's equally applicable to artists, scientists, the corporate sector, etc.
ReplyDeleteI think what we find here is that everyone, no matter the profession or station in life, goes through periods of self-doubt and "what the fuck am I going to do with my life." It's so scary and there is always judgement from both sides of the fence; those that choose a more conventional or stable route and those who choose a less defined path. We should just be supportive of each other. I know that sounds cheesy, but I really think if we start to look at the root of the problem - sometimes it comes from our fear of judgement. Cast it off lady! Let the next thing come to you - work hard and maybe journal in the meantime. You got this.
ReplyDeleteif you are so PASSIONATE, then why are you so fickle?
ReplyDeletetruly passionate people buckle down and devote their energy to their passion(s) with a dedicated and single-minded force... they don't flit from project to project like a child who grows bored with each new toy as soon as he picks it up.
it sounds like you are using "passion" as a code-word for "lazy and unfocused".
"What I was trying to say was that it would be nice to be passionate about a career that could provide me with more options and peace of mind."
ReplyDeleteYes, it would be nice. But do you really think there's a ton of people out there who have BOTH stability and are doing the thing they are most passionate about?
Come on.
We all make sacrifices where we are comfortable doing so. Some of us work 9-5 jobs that we're MEH about to have the comfort to pursue other things outside of that. I sincerely doubt you are worse at "working for other people" than the average person.
I wrote such a good comment here. Blogger ate it. Ah the universe must be telling me to keep my counsel.
ReplyDeleteI'm mildly traumatized by all the pressure to be passionate about work. Look, I like my job (most of the time) but I really like the benefits and stability. I know there are people who get passion AND stability, which I think basically any of us would jump at, given the chance, but I don't think they're anywhere near the majority. Most of the time, I think there's a tradeoff happening and I'm (sorta) at peace with it. I finance my passions for drinking, eating, reading and learning arcane craft skills with my 9-6 job.
ReplyDeleteI get it when people have an overriding passion that could also be a job, someday, and pursuing it at the level that could get you to the point where it *is* your job takes up so much time that you can't conceivably take on another job without giving up that passion. You are working towards a goal. But if you are searching for a passion so that you don't have to have a 9-5, that's a tough spot to be in. Then I guess your passion would be not working and just being allowed to do your own thing? Which, trust me, I get because I'm pretty sure that is my true calling, but it doesn't translate to real life easily without outside funding or major lifestyle cuts. At that point, I think you just have to decide if the lifestyle cuts are worth it.
I think about this a lot.
this reminds me that we need to get going on a Super-Major Amateur Florist Duo project. also, if you would like to learn how to catch a bunch of pigeons really quickly, i've been working on it pretty single-mindedly.
DeleteYES! Serving all bi-coastal, low budget, non-picky people who want flowers for major life events that could show up looking like absolutely anything. Our past experience shows there's a real market for that.
DeleteYou are a stronger woman than I - I mostly avoid pigeons if at all possible. I've spent my free time in the last few weeks tying knots in pieces of cotton rope and it's proving surprisingly satisfying.
THIS. Just because a job doesn't fill you with "I Must Do This At All Costs" passion also doesn't mean that it's soul-crushing drudgery that will leave you with an ulcer or premature hair loss.
DeleteI recently read this quote by Alain de Botton: "Passion is bullshit. Passion follows success." Reading this resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteI'm a writer (i write about science) and holy fuck is it hard for me to sit down and write. I stare at the screen and doubt my life choices and my passion constantly. It isn't until I DO the hard work and FINISH something that the passionate feelings come back.
So that's my mantra these days. Passion is the reward for getting your shit done (aka success).
I could not disagree more with this. (No surprise it's de Botton, whom I despise - oh, the irony of him defining bullshit!) In my experience passion is the thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings, the thing that drives me to do the things I don't want to do.
DeleteI'm an aspiring academic and yes, the passion wanes, but ultimately the fire is still there because it has to be.
Maybe some of you still want to be what you thought you'd be when you grew up, but most of us were probably greatly shaped by a professor in college who opened our eyes to a subject we never before thought interesting, or took a job because it was available and we needed to pay rent, or realized that in order to be a filmmaker you'd have to live in LA or NYC when what you really want is to tap sugar maples in VT. We are evolving creatures and I think we need to allow for change and growth in ourselves. Be willing to let go of old dreams that don't hold meaning anymore. Maybe what is really important to you now doesn't match up to the Grand Idea you have of yourself, but that's OK. In the end, if your life has meaning, then you're doing it right.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered teaching? Not in the "those who can't do..." sense but in the sense that it provides stability and an outlet for creativity. I teach special ed and I spend all day on my feet, thinking of creative solutions and making new things to help the kids. You could be an art teacher (though, depending on your area, those jobs are hard to find) and do similar. And? You have the summers for other ventures and travel.
ReplyDeleteOMG I totally get this problem, I totally suck at just blending into the crowd, I WISH I could have been a totally lame corporate automaton but I just CAN'T because my inner PASSION is too strong, please feel sorry for me #humblebrag.
ReplyDelete...OK, back to reality. Accountants have to study a lot and gain a lot of specialized skills to be good at what they do. Many would probably say they're passionate about it, and certainly society wouldn't function as well without them. I'm not an accountant, but I have a "regular" paper-pushing 9-5 job that astonishingly still demands 100% of my resourcefulness, creativity and yes passion.
I'm guessing that your problem here is thinking that the only way to be passionate is to have no boss and no schedule and do only what you want. Look a little broader, and try not to condescend to people who don't conform to your vision of creativity.