Hi ESB,
Longtime reader, first-time writer, etc., etc. I really love your blog, and kept following it even after my wedding-ish thing, which was a year and a half ago. My question/dilemma is only semi-wedding related, but, I dunno, ESB is such a good forum for so many dilemmas of this nature. I'd love to know what you think.
My sweetie and I are pretty non-traditional. I'm queer, and he and I both are pretty non-conforming when it comes to gender presentation (I'm female, but I regularly get mistaken by strangers for a boy. I don't really mind - I like my androgynous style. And he has a very queer/feminine style). We didn't even really get engaged, but we did decide that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and, at his urging, we threw a big party to celebrate this event. (That's when I first found ESB, actually - during my months-long quest to find a non-traditional-but-still-super-special dress for our party). The party was fun!
Then last Christmas (6 months after our party), I got a completely unexpected gift from his family: A diamond ring. Clearly an engagement ring. It was from his whole family: parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. As I opened the gift, they all stared at me expectantly with tears in their eyes. It was like THEY were proposing to me. It was a lovely gesture, but also kind of... weird? It felt weird. I thanked them all profusely, of course. I put the ring on my finger that day, but it was too big and after Christmas was over I put it back in the box and have not taken it out since then.
The fact that I have not worn the ring since two Christmases ago has not gone unnoticed by his family. We live near them and see them fairly frequently. Nobody's said anything about it to me, but they've asked my sweetie why I'm not wearing the ring. He's actually lied and said that I do wear it, and that they just haven't seen me wearing it. So I guess that means now I really do need to start wearing it so they don't realize he lied? But: I'm really not an engagement ring person. I'm not a jewelry person at all, actually. My sweetie knew exactly what he was doing in not buying me an engagement ring (we don't wear wedding bands, either). And it feels incredibly weird to me that his family essentially bought me an engagement ring. Maybe I'm projecting too much here, but it feels like they were disrespecting the terms of his and my relationship, and trying to impose their own terms on it (i.e. "She's not wearing a ring? But how will anyone know she belongs to him?").
So I guess my question is: What do I do about this? Do I just continue to not wear the ring, since nobody's said anything about it to me explicitly? Do I try to remember to wear the ring every time I see them? I really, really don't like it, and don't feel comfortable with a diamond engagement ring on my finger. Am I thinking too hard about all of this?
Thanks.
*****
FUCK THAT SHIT
Your sweetie needs to tell his family, very sweetly, that he lied. That you're not an engagement ring person, you never wanted an engagement ring, and while you appreciated their gesture you thought it was kind of... weird. (Because, yes, an engagement ring from his family? is HELL OF WEIRD.)
Then sell it and buy yourselves a juicer or something.
It's a hard day for me because it's the first time I've ever disagreed with ESB. Sigh. People mostly give gifts they would want to receive themselves rather than putting much thought into what YOU would want and though that doesn't make for the best gifts, the thought behind it is genuine. I don't know your fam-in-law, but it sounds like they believed this would be a touching and thoughtful thing to do for you. They aren't trying to normalize your relationship into something they can understand or force you into the shackles of a patriarchal blah blah blah, they probably just thought you, a woman, no matter how you identify yourself, would want a ring and for whatever reason you don't have one. You have two choices, a) make this into a THING and hurt a lot of feelings in the process (stand on soap box, stomp feet etc) or b) wear the damn ring only when you see them and realize it's a piece of jewelry and can't be a symbol of anything to you if you don't ascribe meaning to it. Sorry I'm dragging on and on, but I have a little example for you. When I got married, I expressly did not take my husband's last name. After the wedding, my grandmother (who KNEW I was keeping my name) sent me 24 gorgeous expensive linen napkins monogrammed with my "new" initials, including my husband's last name, not my maiden name. I could have put those suckers in my blendtec and sent her a bag of napkin shreddings back with a note "Damn the man, save the empire" but I didn't. She wasn't making a statement. She wanted me to have nice things she thought I should have. So I use them when she comes over. And you know what? I use the napkins when I entertain too because everyone laughs and says "Who sent you these? Don't they know you didn't change your name?" And honestly, they're damn nice napkins.
ReplyDeleteCould not agree more. Very very nicely articulated. Sometimes we do things we otherwise wouldn't do for the people we love / in-laws.
DeleteI utterly agree. It would be really hurtful to throw this back in their face and could cause a lot of unnecessary drama. You don't even have to wear the ring every time you see them - maybe only wear it on nice occasions, and if anyone asks, just say you like saving it for special occasions. It was a sweet but misguided gesture on their part, but ultimately, it's just a sign that they love you and accept you as part of their family, and there's no need to think the ring redefines or shapes how you feel about yourself, your marriage or your sweetie.
DeleteAgreed. Back when I used to have a lip piercing, I would remove it when I went to visit my very-traditional Catholic Italian grandfather, out of respect to him. I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't, I just love my grandpa more than I love the image I have of myself, and my love for him is lasting- unlike the lip ring that I wore for one year of high school and then never again. Sometimes we do things for the people that we love that don't fit our grand idea of ourselves. And sometimes people who love do stuff for you that you KNOW was super hard for them...that's why it's meaningful! That's one of the reasons love rocks.
DeleteI think that this advice would make sense if the letter writer hadn't described herself as queer. This isn't quite the right analogy either, but imagine if a transgender person got a set of napkins with their pre-transition initials, no one would argue they should have to use them or pretend to like them. Pretending to be someone who you aren't is only going to cause more problems in the long-term, and at this point they're going to realize you're lying if you suddenly start wearing it two years later. Just be kind to them in ways that are true to yourself, and they'll figure out that not wearing the ring doesn't mean you're rejecting them.
DeleteEr, yeah, I wasn't trying to make an exact comparison between my fleeting piercing and someone's sexuality. There is a huge difference there, obviously. Just making the point that it's OK to do things out of character/that make us a little uncomfortable for our loved ones. It doesn't have to mean you're betraying yourself. In fact, those hard-to-do things often are the most meaningful because they require us to ignore our egos for a second.
DeleteUm, I too am going to say you should find a way to wear it. They love you. People make mistakes, even when they love you. How about wearing it on a different finger? Size it to be a pinky ring? Get it made into a necklace? Then tell them you can't get comfortable with an engagement ring, but you love your present and are very happy to be part of their family.
ReplyDeleteLie, just a little, about a thing. Worse has happened.
I agree- find a way to honor the gift that you are comfortable with. A necklace, earrings, etc. Are you sure that the family Bought you this ring as opposed to passed it down? Is there a history there you are missing? It sounds like it was a well intentioned gesture to welcome you to the family. Take it from that spirit. if you can't re-purpose it, maybe bring it out on a few special occasions with the family, then down the road it can stay in the box.
ReplyDeleteI'm usually a proponent of thanking someone for a gift and then doing as I please with it but never letting them know. I do believe gifts are generally given (or I hope) with only generosity in mind.
ReplyDeleteBut this, this is different. They didn't buy you a ring that looks like anything but a wedding ring. They bought you a wedding ring and that is weird.
You don't have to shit all over them and their gift, but you also don't need to feel beholden to wear it and like it or wear it just for their sake. Gifts are not a summons to be who they want you to be and that means you get to treat this gift as YOU see fit, because its yours. And this gift, is weird.
I would actually follow ESB's advice. If someone gets a broken heart because you didn't like nor want the gift they thought you did - that's the other person's problem. Everyone in this scenario is an adult so I think you can act accordingly and do whatever the hell you want.
Gifts are not a summons to be who they want you to be and that means you get to treat this gift as YOU see fit, because its yours.
Deletewell put, HvB. my take is a bit beyond yours and ESB's on the compromise spectrum, perhaps a bit closer to LPC's; i would perhaps give your sweetie's fam the benefit of the doubt and assume they didn't anticipate your strongly negative reaction to the ring (as you describe them, it sounds like these people love you very much and mean well). it is not your job to represent concepts that make you uncomfortable, nor is it your job to educate them as to why their gift makes you uncomfortable, but perhaps in the interest of turning this misunderstanding into the best possible thing, you could see fit to honor them by explaining your feelings to them before finding a more suitable owner for the ring. be yourself, just be yourself gently.
er, that first "yours" is in re HvB and all the rest are OP. what up, coffee.
DeleteOP here. Right on, HvB. And lauren, thank you so much for this: "it is not your job to represent concepts that make you uncomfortable, nor is it your job to educate them as to why their gift makes you uncomfortable." Yes, a thousand times. I am all for open communication (as much as possible, anyway - see my reply post below), but I also want it to feel okay to step back and not feel responsible for managing the situation.
DeleteI think re-purposing it sounds like a good idea, but I also agree with esb's advice - if you feel really weird about it and don't want to wear it, then I don't think you should feel pressured to. I think it is very, very strange that they gave you a diamond engagement ring. It sounds true that they prob do love you and want you in the family, but that doesn't mean there can't be strange ulterior motives behind the gift - normalizing the relationship, whatever.
ReplyDeleteIt might be worth checking with them though - is it meant as an engagement ring, or just as a ring. If the former you could explain that you aren't a ring person, aren't an engagement ring person, and that you really appreciate the gesture so you're going to re-purpose it.
I once had the opportunity to get rid of a family heirloom that was causing me grief, but I found a way of changing how I felt about it, and I'm glad I kept it now.
That said, a friend keeps some hideous, expensive gifts from her family, and only brings them out when they are present. The rest of the time the gift is seen as a burden and a reminder of difficult relationships. In her case I think she'd feel better if she just threw them away.
tl;dr I agree with both arguments
Hey OP, I understandthat you may not be comfortable using words describing your relationship that may seem heteronormative (wedding, husband, married, etc). But, if you've been avoiding using them around your partner's family to the extent that you did in your letter, is it possible that the family is in fact a little confused? Do you ever describe yourself as married to them? Did your party to celebrate deciding to spend the rest of your lives together contain ceremonial vows of some sort?
ReplyDeleteOf course it doesn't have to, but for some people relationships exist in more or less two categories, 1. married = secure and a permanent part of the family (more or less), and 2. not married and subject to end at any time. It sounds like some of your partner's family think like this, and may be concerned that you don't view yourself in category 1, or concerned that you think they don't. The ring may have been an awkward attempt to cement their inclusion of you in their family.
If your relationship with them is good and communicative, you might want to make sure that they know that you are (what they would think of, even if you don't like the word) married, and that you consider them your family now, but that you are just not a ring-wearing person.
Hey Anonymous, OP here. Yeah, I know what you mean about how lots of people see it in very black and white terms, i.e. you're married or you're not. I've worked pretty hard to gently convey my feelings on the topic to his family (we even included a short-and-sweet written explanation for our decisions regarding terminology and lack of ceremony with the invitations to our party).
DeleteYou don't have to wear it, but definitely don't sell it. Insure it, put it away, and either: 1) save it for your future kids if you think you might have kids; or 2) bequeath it to your favorite charity in your will. If anyone asks about it again, tell them although it's beautiful you're not a jewelry person in general so you're not really comfortable wearing it, let them know how special the gesture of belonging was, and tell them what you've planned for the ring.
ReplyDeleteHey y'all, OP here. Thank you so much for your input. It actually feels *wonderful* to have gotten this burden off my chest. And in a way, all of your replies feel, like, totally right to me, because I've felt all of them at various points over the months of thinking about this. Fuck the in-laws - they're weird! No, wait - they're just trying to show me they love me and accept me! No, wait - how can they accept me when they don't even understand me? But also - do we need to understand each other to love and do loving things for each other? And, erm, what exactly *is* the loving thing to do here?
ReplyDeleteReeba, I especially thank you for pointing out how my queerness is an important factor here. I do feel averse to the deal-with-it-and-wear-it-occasionally approach in large part because I've worked so hard for so many years to get comfortable with and proud of my queer gender identity. I asked above, "what is the loving thing to do here?" I might add to that, towards whom is it loving? Doing a loving thing for my in-laws, i.e. wearing the ring on occasion, feels like it'd be pretty un-self loving for myself, since I just feel profoundly not true to myself when wearing most types of jewelry.*
To those who suggested I talk with the in-laws directly about this: I do think it's hypothetically a great idea, but don't see it happening in the universe in which my in-laws exist. That universe is a loving but also stoic place where much about most is left unspoken, where directness is frowned upon, and where most news reaches you secondhand and in passing. I've learned not to challenge that order with them - it hasn't gone well in the past. Family dynamics are complicated, yes? I feel very lucky that my sweetheart and I have such an open, honest relationship with each other. We've worked hard to establish it. Clearly, that openness does not always extend to his (or my) relationship with his family.
Anyway thanks, all, for the advice. Totes McGotes, spot on. The ring shall be saved and treasured, and I will hopefully find something special/useful to do with it in the future that doesn't involve me having to wear it.
*As an aside, I know I mentioned searching for a dress for our party. Yeah, I did initially think I needed to/wanted to wear a dress, but I actually ended up buying a suit instead of a dress for the big day, because it felt SO MUCH MORE ME. AND A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF WAS BREATHED BY ME AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAD TO GO SHOPPING WITH ME.
If this is a family ring, couldn't it be put in safe keeping for the next family member to get engaged and want a ring?
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to be true to yourself here, and this ring clearly makes you uncomfortable. I think it might be worth talking this through with your partner, and then sitting down together with some representative(s) of the family to explain it. I think you owe it to them to have a straightforward talk about it, and you deserve to have your partner there to back you up.
Express your profound appreciation for the thought and love behind the gift, and explain gently that you're not a ring person and it doesn't feel right/authentic to you to wear this piece of jewelry. Restate how much the thought means, and suggest it become family property of sorts, to be used by someone else, so that it can be used and loved.
You don't have to be someone you're not just because they were motivated out of love. You can love them right back while still being true to yourself.
Oh, I just read that part about straight-forward conversation being tricky with your in-laws, so ignore that part of the advice! I'm glad you feel a weight lifted; I think that desire not to feel pressure or guilt should guide you through this, and you should take the actions you need to not to feel guilty.
DeleteAgree with ESB on this one.
ReplyDeleteI want to chime in with advice (because I loooove telling people what to do) but this is SO WEIRD that my advice-brain has been broken.
ReplyDeleteOP, this is SO WEIRD and I'm impressed that you managed to keep it together and behave like a decent person when it was presented to you in the first place. I think I would have sat there in awkward shock.
I want to say a big fat THANK YOU to ESB for being completely clear about how wrong this is, and so supportive not only of alternative unions but also of genderqueer/non-coforming people. Because yes, if a whole family buys you a ring, they wish you would conform to their idea of gender and "family/couple". Even if it was meant with the best, kindest, beautifulest intentions, it's still so very wrong. On top of that doing that on christmas in front of everyone, basically cornering OP with this gift, don't tell me there's no peer pressure there. So yeah, thank you.
ReplyDeleteOP says: AMEN to that. And yes, thanks ESB.
DeleteI don't believe in working through every little issue one has in life, so if you're able to just move past this - great. But I want to also point out, in case you can't easily now just move past this and act as you'd like, or I'd like to point out to perhaps assuage any future guilt, that his family has multiple times asked about you not wearing the ring. And your SO felt it necessary to lie to them - perhaps because they brought it up so many times?
DeleteIf there was no pressure, then they never would have mentioned it. If they accepted you for you, I don't see why they would have felt it necessary to harp on it. It would have been obvious with you never wearing it, that it had been a bad idea and they never would have bought you something like that again, case closed.
But that's not what happened. They're asking and to me that's pushy. Maybe I'm too sensitive, and more power to you if this doesn't bother you, but I don't like their attitude (or the way it was described). Added to that the idea of them not liking to talk about stuff and its starting to feel a little passive aggressive, but again, that's a pretty sensitive way of taking this, and that may not be the right way to go.
I hope that drivel made some sense.
I would probably have your SO tell his fam that wow, yes, the ring is so so beautiful and the gesture is so so so appreciated, but that you're not a ring person, which is why you didn't get an engagement ring in the first place. BUT, that they mean a lot to you, as does their kindness, and you want to wear it close to you, so you're going to have it made into a pendant. Then get something that's totally your style.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone else think the whole ring thing is not just a comment on the OP, but also a comment on her sweetie?
ReplyDeleteI can't help but think the parents-in-law were *possibly* using the ring as a way to encourage the OP to fit more conventional norms -- with the view that, after some time had passed, her sweetie would follow suit... It's almost like they felt they hadn't been able to "reach" him with their message for some time, and so thought they'd try this other new avenue instead... This is probably total speculation on my part. But it makes me feel for the sweetie too, who's "caught in the crossfire".
Everyone gets presents they don't like and seem weird and out of place. This one just happens to touch on sensitive issues. I say wear it occasionally as a necklace (long and tucked into a shirt of you want) so his family doesn't feel bad. You can then give whatever reason for not having it on your finger - you are more comfortable with necklaces, etc. They can take the hint from there.
ReplyDeleteMy husbands family always buys me nice jewellery and I almost never wear it. I feel bad, of course, but I'm just not a jewellery person and can't stand to have stuff hanging off me. They don't get it though, even when my husband has explained to them they are wasting their money, so I just keep saying thank you and try to bust it out occasionally. I think for them jewellery is something permanent that can be passed down, and less of something to make daily use of. Maybe that's the same in your case as well?