Dear ESB
Clearly I adore you, since I have never tiptoed near marriage and yet read your blog like an obsessive preteen. You are my guru, and as such, I'm hoping you can guru me out of this.
To sum up: I spent 8 years with a guy who, 3 years ago now, decided to go suddenly sociopathic. He stopped coming home at night, stopped taking my calls, and put a pin in things, finally, by sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend. We haven't spoken since I fled the city where we lived.
It was ugly. And despite the time that has passed, I'm still trying to figure how it's possible to know someone and then not know them in such a violent way. I'm getting better, but I'm still single, and it doesn't feel nice to think about.
Here's the rub: Since we were together for so long, I became very close with his family and especially his younger sister. As the ex ceased speaking to both me and her during his meltdown, she and I became even more enmeshed. I love her deeply, and in some ways I took over the role of older sibling. And now she's getting married.
I knew this was coming, and had sort of prepared myself for the thought of looking super hot and taking some banging date and going to the wedding and celebrating her and the love she's found and letting it all wash over me, but when I got the Save the Date, I could feel my heart in my mouth and wanted to puke it out. Suddenly, the reality of being at a wedding with his whole family and seeing him - with the best friend's girlfriend, who is now HIS girlfriend - felt pretty much like a worse alternative to eating shards of glass.
And so - what to do? I hate the idea of not being there. I hate that I could make the day dramatic. I hate myself for still letting him have this control. I hate that he is taking one more thing away from me. I hate the thought of disappointing her. But when I imagine myself in that space, I want to crawl under the earth.
Guru?
*****
It's okay not to go.
Iggy Azalea by Harper Smith for Paper Mag (October 2013) via Fashion Gone Rogue via kelly edmonson
We have the "fight or flight" sensibility for a reason. And this is a time for flight. How much energy, anxiety, and distress will this cause you in the many months leading up to the actual day? How much time will you spend freaking out about what to wear, who to bring, what to say if you go, what to say if you bail, how to leave early, how to avoid him, etc. Life is too short, and there will be plenty of ways to support your friend without destroying yourself in the process.
ReplyDeleteYeah don't go.
ReplyDeleteYou love her, and you want to celebrate with her, so go see her before the wedding, drink champagne and let her gush and have her try on her dress for you and jump around singing 'you're getting married!' with her, but don't torture yourself by making yourself go to the wedding. She's inviting you because she loves you and wants you to share her joy, but she's going to understand if you don't go.
Also, he is not 'taking one more thing away from you'--you are taking a deserved detour around inevitable pain.
Do not go to that wedding!!!!!!! She may love you, but I bet the bride is secretly hoping you don't show. No one wants that kind of tension and weirdness at their wedding. She kind of HAD to invite her brother because he's her brother even though he's psycho, and she kind of had to invite you because you've meant a lot to her over the years, but bowing out gracefully is a better way to be a good friend to this girl than by being there. And in the interest of protecting the ground you've already made in healing from that horrible relationship- I would stay far away from that man.
ReplyDeleteYes to all 3 of the posts above. It makes all the sense in the world to bow out of this one, to take care of yourself, and to smooth the roads ahead for you and the bride.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to bow out. And I think she may be secretly grateful that no focus will be pulled or drama will be caused. Contribute to a rocking shower and bachelorette party.
ReplyDeleteI was going to suggest the same thing. You can help out with any lady-parties (?) your friend has to show your support without going to the main event.
DeleteIt's definitely okay not to go. If you really feel compelled to attend, maybe you can only go to the ceremony. That way, you can watch her walk down the aisle and exchange vows, and then sneak out before things get sticky (and before you have anything to drink).
ReplyDeletei kinda like this option. ceremony only, be there to give your friend a loving smile as she's walking down the aisle (i'd probably even opt to sit in the very back so i could duck out right away).... and then have some good friends on call to take you out for drinks afterwards. i'd sure as hell want my lady friends and some cocktails after that.
Deletebut, also, it's 100% ok to politely decline. she'll understand. obv.
I think the drama ia not going and having the bride beg you to go or miss you if you don't go. Suck it up, you are grown, he is grown. Get some balls and enjoy this massive event in your friend's life. This is really all about how you feel, will feel, might feel. This wedding is not about you.
ReplyDeleteAll of this is true, but in the same vain, the list of people who, if they don't go to my wedding I'd be devastated, is super small. There are people who are my closest friends who might not be able to come to my wedding for a variety of reasons. I get it, I'll miss them leading up to it, but the day of I probably won't be thinking about who ISN'T there, and we'll catch up after and I'll make them look at endless photos. Let's all take a breath and remember that missing a wedding you're dreading going to is so not the end of the world, and as much as the bride may say she really wants the letter writer there, in no way will she look out on her smiling friends and family that day and think "wow, I really wish my crazy brother's ex could have been here hyperventilating into a paper bag."
DeleteNot that anyone should do things because of what other will think, but since we all care anyway:
ReplyDeleteNo one will blame you for abstaining. Some might blame you for going.
Don't go, schedule a romp of a friends' night out for that evening so you're not home thinking about it, and spend some quality time with li'l sis after the wedding when she'll have wedding post-partum.
Just think how you will feel AFTER if you go, and AFTER if you don't go. If the answer is that you would never regret not going, never, then don't go.
ReplyDeleteHowever a little bit of regret has a lot longer half life than even a lot of one time distress.
Plus, this sounds like the perfect time to invest the tons of money you would have spent attending the wedding on an excellent therapist who will help you move past the VERY NORMAL guilty, self-hatey, sad feelings you have attached to this guy. I have no doubt you'll come out the other side feeling better about yourself and really relieved you didn't put yourself through the stress of the wedding.
ReplyDelete