Dear ESB,
My wedding is not until the end of January and my future MIL is driving me BAT SHIT CRAZY. I need your sage, blunt advice.
First some background, the wedding is being thrown in my hometown. But my fiance and his family are from a city a few hours away. Also, my fiance's parents do not make millions of dollars and are very frugal people. So naturally, I had assumed that my fiance and I would pay for the rehearsal dinner. But my FMIL insisted that she pay for the dinner. When I got quotes form various restaurants, I sent her the most affordable ones. She chose one that she said she could afford and made a deposit on reserving the room for the dinner. She also offered to pay for the hotel room of our officiant.
Lately, my FMIL has been complaining to my fiance about all the money she has wasted on the rehearsal dinner! (Even though she has only paid the deposit.) She is also complaining about hotel prices for the officiant. We've offered to pay for everything several times and she insists that she can.
How much longer do we have to listen to her complain? I am growing increasingly nervous that she can't actually afford anything she's agreed to and am worried that we'll be stuck with the bill at the end of the night. Should we just go ahead and plan to pay for everything even though she is saying she'll pay for it?
Best,
BAT SHIT CRAZY BRIDE!
*****
a) Until the wedding. Possibly longer.... She may not let go of this until she's dead.
b) Yes
Photo by Robert Trachtenberg for Tatler (August 2011) via Fashion Gone Rogue
Totally agree with ESB. Be prepared to hear about this for the rest of her life. Even if you wind up paying for everything, she still may complain about these prices for the rest of her life. Take deep breaths and just really try to accept this now so you don't go ape shit on her one Thanksgiving 10 years from now when she brings it up yet again. Remember that you love your fiance very much and that this woman is a non-negotiable part of getting all of the happiness that comes with marrying your best friend. That said, remember that this is your fiance's mother and when the time comes to tell her to stop bitching that is 100% on them.
ReplyDeleteDead on. You'll hear about this for life. She may also be someone (like my FMIL/FFIL) who likes to bemoan how they have no money and that everything is putting them in the poor house, but the minute you offer to pay for anything or to help them out they get almost insulted that you would think such a thing. So prepare for this kind of behavior for life.
ReplyDeleteShe's struggling with money and probably feels shitty and embarrassed about that. Give her a break. Those "affordable" options you presented to her might have been way out of her league. She wants to be involved though, and do her part.
ReplyDeleteHave you and your fiance expressed your gratitude for what she's doing for you? She might be bringing it up in order to prompt a Thank You out of you guys/get a little recognition for her generosity. Some people are lousy "gifters" in that they need to feel like they got credit for the nice thing they've done...but either way, make sure you've thanked her!
ReplyDeleteRight. And for some people, their default mode is complaining, and they don't let up until a long, drawn-out thank you is given.
DeleteYep, and sometimes verbal thank you's, e-mailed thank you's, and hand-written thank you's are never enough for some relatives who are not satisfied until every single family get together includes a public thank you for that one time they did something. Not that I know or am related to anyone like that...
DeleteI think this is all great advice. I think you can also be open and honest about it with her. Tell her your fiance mentioned she's concerned with the price of everything and that you're concerned she feels obligated to pay. Tell you're more than willing to pay for these things if she needs you to. If she says no, still plan on paying, but say to her, great, then I guess we won't hear anymore complaints about the price then. Say it with a smile and in a gentle way, but you can be honest.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL was whining about the brand name alcohol I wanted for the bar they insisted on paying for. She tried to convince me to go with generic liquor. Since it was a small wedding with little alcohol, I knew I could easily pay myself. When she asked me if I'd consider off brands, I said no thanks, but that I was more than happy to get the alcohol myself if they didn't want to spend the money. That's the key really. If someone has promised to do something and you've been clear on your expectations, when they fuss or moan or balk or anything, you let them know its perfectly fine to back out. Because it is. That's what favors are. But its not a favor if you have to hear all the whining. And I don't see why you should have to listen to the whining.
There is NO WAY that saying "I guess we won't hear anymore complaints about the price then" will solve this issue. This woman, like many, is not being straight-forward with her son or future DIL. She's being super passive by complaining about the price. I doubt she'll own up to not being able to afford it, and it'll REALLY piss her off or hurt her for the bride to say something this direct about her shitty behavior. Many, many people can't handle direct communication that calls them out on their bad behavior, even if it was directly from her son - and forgiveness will come much more slowly for the DIL that says this to her MIL. I'd tread lightly if you don't want the woman to know you think she is a royal pain in the ass.
DeleteUmm...I guess I operate under the premise that as long as we're talking about an adult, you can address her honestly and openly. Whether or not said adult is capable of acting maturely, really isn't the letter writers problem. The letter writers problem is how to get the drama queen antics to stop. My advice is to ask for them directly to stop.
DeleteTip toeing around people who can't manage their own emotions leads to resentment and fury. Nip it in the bud now.
On paper, I agree with you to a T. In real life..."crazy" behavior can't really be reasoned with. Yes, we're talking about an adult, but sometimes it's not that cut and dried. I think the letter writer should utilize her fiance if she wants to bluntly address the complaining, verbally. There are often some pretty weird expectations in MIL-DIL relationships.
DeleteYou and your fiance need to lock this down pre-marriage, between the two of you. Crazy doesn't go away. The important thing is how the two of you decide to deal with your MIL. *Together.* If it's not the money, it WILL be something else in the future. I promise.
ReplyDeleteI would be so tempted to take her out to dinner, and tell her that you appreciate her offer to pay for X,Y,Z, and then acknowledge that you don't want the wedding to be a strain on her, and tell her you know how much it has stressed her already. Then calmly hand over a check in the amount of whatever it is she's paid for already. Insist that she take it. It takes away the power for her to complain to you, though I guarantee she IS complaining to someone else in the family about it. Can't control that, though.
We've been married for over 2 years now and my own mother never fails to recount, in her horrified tone, the time when a bird pooped on her hand during our ceremony... every. time. i see her. YES MOM, I have not forgotten. I KNOW MOM, neither have you! But you know? she will never stop remembering and she will never stop recounting it to everyone who will listen. So, I have accepted that and have become much better at not letting it bother me since then. You will learn to handle it as well, or blow up in everyones faces some Thanksgiving from now, just like @Anon 6:36 says.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone that you may indeed be hearing about this for the rest of your life. But also consider the alternative--what if you insisted on paying for it, and didn't let her pay for it? She may be the kind of person who never stops resenting THAT for the rest of your life. People who are like this, are usually like this no matter what the outcome; there is no real solution.
ReplyDelete11 years later the only thing my own mother can remember about my wedding is how she broke her bridge on a bread roll. Nothing else....just the broken dentistry.....11 years.....My only advice, find a special place to go to when she mentions it, make it pretty, you'll visit it many times.
ReplyDeletePeople are weird about money, but it's probably not really about the money. Even if you remove the money issue the crazy will just attach itself to something else.
ReplyDeleteWhy do weddings make moms so crazy?
It's largely a generational problem -- lack of self-awareness among their age cohort and no need to have gained it for jobs or as a general social survival skill.
DeleteOlder relatives (not just moms or parents) often like to take over the event and place themselves right in the spotlight, edging everyone else (and especially the bride and groom) to the side. Especially when it comes to cash. As though buying stuff hands all the credit for the wedding over to them (yet another assumption of that ageing generation)... It's a flawed logic, of course. You can't buy your way into living through someone else's wedding.
What makes this all so difficult is that most old dogs don't like to learn new tricks. So the OP is left wondering: "To bring up the topic or not to bring up the topic?". Finding yourself caught in that kind of dilemma is itself a clear sign of the petty politics put forth by the (most likely unthinking) MIL.
The only recourse for the OP is to accept that -- whether or not she confronts, shuns, or chooses to take the MIL how she is -- she may never fully manage to communicate across the generational gap. At least she has pals and ESB cyber-chat to see she's in good company.
brilliant thoughts.
DeleteI'm honestly confounded by some of these responses. Ladies (and gents) have we as a species not yet learned that by ignoring bad behavior like this, we only set ourselves up for a lifetime of dealing with it?
ReplyDeleteWhy are some of us expected to not throw hissy fits over everything while others are excused with, "That's just the way so and so is." No. Sorry. As adults, we have a responsibility to not only act as such, but to DEMAND OTHERS DO AS WELL. You can't change everyone, but you can shun them and let them know when their behavior is the reason you don't want to be around them. Not addressing bad behavior and then requiring yourself to never get upset by it is a recipe for disaster. Unless you're some sort of saint.
If your mom brings up a bird pooping on her at your wedding every time you see her, and its upsetting you, why aren't you allowed to tell her it upsets you and you'd like her to stop? I mean honestly, why the hell haven't you told her to stop? It's not like your out of line and it certainly isn't going to kill her to hear the truth. You're expected to take bullshit from her but she can't be expected to hear the way her words are affecting you? Come on, dude. Stand up for yourself. Don't be an emotional doormat.
Good luck with shunning your mother in law.
DeleteThanks! I've actually already employed this technique on my mother in law. I let her know calmly and kindly which of her behaviors were causing me to avoid speaking to or seeing her. Since she wanted to have a relationship with me, she had to learn that I wasn't going to put up with immaturity in dealings with me and my husband or saying nasty things about me behind my back.
DeleteGuess what? She listened. The behavior stopped. Why? Because believe it or not, people who act like assholes 1. Don't always know they're being assholes and 2. Most people want to be liked and appreciated. So some people are willing to change negative behavior if its keeping them from being liked. I'm that kind of person.
Agreed. I was pretty clear with my MIL that I would take her at face value, and that I would communicate clearly with her, and I expected the same in return. She doesn't pull her passive aggressive shit with me any more because I just ignore it.
DeleteMy husband still puts up with it, so she still acts that way with him. I can see why it's so much harder for him to change; he's spent decades interacting with her a particular way. In a way we're lucky, we get the benefit of being a mature adult when we form our relationships with our MILs. A blank slate is way better than decades of dysfunctionality.
@Anon 11:16 My philosophy on this sort of thing is ALWAYS be an adult and stand up for yourself, and I do! That you for pointing this out because I feel like it needs to be said, and I am sorry I didnt mention that part. However yes, I have told my mother that it bothers me that it's all she can talk about 2 years down the road, but she still brings it up. I still cant decide if she genuinely forgets that she's mentioned it a thousand times already, or if she's just pretending... I was an adult, and asked her to stop. But I cant make her grow up if she refuses to can I? It's a mad mad mad mad world when children are the grown ups and parents are the children amiright?
DeleteMaybe she's hoping for compromise? If she wants to be responsible for a little piece of the wedding, you are undercutting her by responding to her complaints with offers to pay for it yourself. Can you offer to take some things off the menu instead of taking over the expenses? Also, even when you value something and can afford it, writing checks for large amounts of money is weird and hard; she's allowed to have feelings about that and share them with her child. Conclusion: not NECESSARILY a crazy person
ReplyDelete