Hey ESB,
I have a non wedding related question for you and your wise minions.
I got married to my husband 3 months ago, after being with him for about 4 years.
At the moment, he works away for 2 weeks at a time, and is only home for 1 week. This past swing, he was away for 4 weeks and has been home for 2.
You would expect that when he got home after being away for 2 weeks, I would be wanting to rip his clothes off and have sex with him then and there right? Wrong! I am not feeling it at all. We usually have sex the first night he gets home, and I am sort of into it, but then that's it. Right now, has been home for 2 weeks and we have only had sex that one time, the first night he was home.
It's not that the sex is bad or anything, I just can't be bothered and I know that sounds absolutely terrible!! I feel like life just gets in the way and sex is the last thing I feel like. I try to pump myself up for it because I know he is going away soon, but I don't know, I seem to have lost all interest.
I know that this hurts him too, and I think it is probably doing damage to our relationship as well. I am 23, if I don't want to have sex now, what will our future be like?
I think that before he started working away things were better, we had sex at least once a week, and maybe I felt more close to him or something?
I guess my actual question is probably...what should I do, and is this in any way normal?
Any advice you could give would be very welcome.
Thanks ESB
*****
Sadly, this is very normal.
Sexual desire in any long-term relationship tends to have a kind of ebb and flow.
And contrary to popular belief, intimacy, affection, security and/or MOTHERFUCKING CUDDLING are not necessarily turn-ons for women. Routine can kill the excitement.
What is the solution to this??
Harboring fantasies, keeping a secret or two, having sex even when you don't feel like having sex because sometimes your body needs a kick-start to remember: "Oh, yeah. I like this!"
Initiating sex NOT AT BEDTIME, which, imho is the absolute unsexiest time to have sex (See: Afternoon Delight).
Are a few tricks I recommend.
Hormonal birth control can also be a libido-killer for a lot of women. If you're currently on the pill, trying going off for a little while.
Okay, dying to hear more suggestions/advice from the minions....
Louise Grinberg By Raphael Just for Jalouse February 2013 via Visual Optimism
weed. it doesn't work for everyone, but if it does work for you it WORKS.
ReplyDeletehaha. i was gonna post the same thing. i like to use sparingly though--i don't want my sex life taken over by drugs. my huzzband and i like to have some for special occasions and long weekends and its awesome.
DeleteI know you said 'wonder drugs aside', but....
ReplyDeleteMaca poweder. You can get it at whole foods. Its a root vegetable grown in Peru, but it really ups your libido. Really. A friend recommended it to me, and in a couple weeks, you notice a difference. Good luck!
whoops i tweaked the post. decided not to link to the Times article b/c it focused on *old* married ladies.
DeleteBUT I'M GOING TO TRY MACA POWDER. WHY NOT?
Report back?
Deleteyss PLEASE report back!
DeleteWhen my then-boyfriend was away all week, I never wanted sex. It took forever to get turned on and feel connected to him again. One of the things that helped was masturbating while he was away, to kind of get my body used to wanting those chemicals and the experience of it. And like ESB said about having sex when you're not in the mood, masturbating when you're just bored or not particularly interested can totally be a kickstarter.
ReplyDeleteWas it a sudden drop off or a slow decline? If it was sudden, it maybe medical, go and get checked out. Do you still get frisky, or no libido at all? If you still have the desire to masturbate then i've found adding variety helps, whether it is changing the where/when (as ESB suggested). Porn (if it is your thing/not doing it already) is also a quick and easy way of introducing variety into your foreplay. Studies of shown people need around 10 mins of foreplay to actually get into it. Sometimes perseverance is key. Also guilt is the incredible silent sex killer, being stuck in the cycle of not wanting sex, then feeling bad about not wanting it is the worst. I don't really have a tip for escaping that!
ReplyDeleteNo technology/books/TV in the boudoir. Bed (and other places) is for sleeping and f***ing only.
ReplyDeletewait, what are these other places? gun turrets? choir lofts? underwater HQs?
Deletedeer blinds
DeleteThe pressure to put out when he's home might be killing your sex drive, especially if he's asking for it or even if you're getting impatient, annoyed vibes from him.
ReplyDeleteWhen I feel pressured to do ANYTHING, my immediate knee-jerk response is to be stubborn and NOT do whatever it is I'm being told to do. Immature, maybe, but it's something I know for sure about myself. I like things to be my idea.
If you're this type of person, ask your husband to let you be the initiator. If he can relinquish this to you, you will feel relieved to not have him hovering and asking for it. But then you do indeed need to initiate! Even sometimes when you don't feel like it, like ESB said. Go up to bed, curl up with a GOOD vibrator and turn yourself on, THEN call him up to join you when you're already going strong.
I will also say that when my husband and I have been working like crazy and we haven't made time for just regular old emotional-connection-time together, I do NOT feel like having sex. If your emotional needs are not being met, it can start to feel like you're just a hole for him to get off in rather than a person that is cared about on an intimate, spiritual, emotional level.
If this is what is happening with you guys, make sure you take time to connect, the way that couple do when they're first dating. Intimacy comes in many forms, not just the naked kind, and I think many women need to feel loved and cared about before they desire a partner sexually. He needs sex more often? Open up to him about what YOU need, too.
ALL OF THIS.
DeleteI'm a little older than the letter writer, but our situations are super duper the same, and this comment is exactly what I was going to write, ESPECIALLY the part about feeling pressured/being the initiator/sucking it up and trying to have sex anyway. Sometimes "just doing it" really helps and I get into it, and sometimes I really am not into it and we stop and snuggle instead and things are still fine.
everything you said was so spot on. OH MY GOD, THE CUDDLING.
ReplyDeletei never had problems with birth control before getting pregnant, but it was a total nightmare (physically and emotionally) once i got back on. hormones are tricky. i got off about 4 months ago, and i have seen a significant increase in my sex drive. that being said, i REALLY don't recommend getting pregnant at 23, so make sure you are using other forms of protection if the pill is your norm.
also, i find that a drink or two always helps. it will simply help you relax and remind you that life doesn't always have to get "in the way". i'm not a weed smoker, but i'm sure like anonymous mentioned above, it has a similar effect (as far as libido is concerned).
Are you guys having phone sex or skyping or sending dirty notes via carrier pigeon or something while he's away? I find that my libido tends to take a nose-dive when I ignore it, and 2-4 weeks off, coupled with the pressure of expected sex when he returns, seems like a guaranteed mood-killer. So step #1: Stop feeling guilty and/or like you are doomed. You are responding in a reasonable way to a shitty situation.
ReplyDeleteStep #2: You guys need to find a way to connect intimately while he's away, if this is at all possible. Phone sex is a lot of fun! Bonus: it gets you to actually communicate about sex, which can only improve in-person activities.
Step #3: If you don't already have one, get a vibrator. Use it frequently. Check out some erotica or lady-friendly porn (i.e. no 45 minute bjs) and spend some alone-time nurturing your libido.
I've found the more attention I give to my sex drive, the more active it is. More or less ignoring it while your husband is away, and then expecting everything to snap back into place when he's back is too much pressure and, in my experience, nothing kills libido faster than the pressure to perform.
I came here to say this but see it's already covered. Phone sex, naked pics, and saucy text messages are my suggestion. If sending naked pics into the cyberspace concerns you, I adopted a policy to never show face/identifying details while showing my bits.
Deletems. k always speaks the truth. +1,000,000 for the phone sext/texts/masturbation while he's away. if you're nervous/shy about phone sex (as i am) i find that texting is perfect. we've been together for exactly the same amount of time as you guys, and it really does take work to stay connected physically. i find that taking a couple moments out of my day every once in awhile to send a sexy text sets the tone for the rest of the evening together and sort of informally schedules some intimacy (since let's face it ... intimacy kinda needs to be scheduled sometimes.) plus i really dig the idea of making my husband blush crimson in the middle of his workday.
DeleteI wonder if the whole "putting the relationship on hold" psychology is throwing the spanner into the works here?
ReplyDeleteIt can be hard to get psyched about all kinds of things (love, fun nights out, intimacy, etc) when a small clock is ticking at the back of your mind, reminding you that he's going away soon. That reminder can get even tougher when it acts as a kind of "insurance", teaching you to avoid feeling lonely when he's away by passing things off as you "can't be bothered"...
Try not to parcel your life into the "time together" and "time apart" from your husband. See your whole life as an ongoing, rollover-able package deal, where opportunities are there for the taking with the husband *at any time*. View the "anticipation" of waiting for his return as one of those always-at-hand opportunities. Anticipation is so key.
Remember also to try and do skype/phone calls (without the video!) while he's away and flirt while chatting. This is fun and can build up great anticipation. There's a lot of attraction in the voice and it also takes off the pressure when you can't see each other but get to share happy moments from the day, while planning some fun things to do when he returns home.
Good luck!
sucks.
ReplyDeleteGet loads of sex toys, for you and for the two of you. Watch female friendly porn while you're alone and masturbate more often.
+1 get off the pill
Not sure what your fitness habits are, but I've always found that regular exercise is great for my libido. (And I'm not a health nut, just a regular person who sort of likes exercising but also really likes watching tv marathons on my couch.)
ReplyDeleteThere's something about being sweaty and out of breath that totally gets you in the mood. It also makes me feel good about my body...which makes me want to strip down and show it off. Even if you're out of shape, moving around is going to make you feel generally limber and alive.
Seriously, take a yoga class and bend in to some weird positions...then go home and show your husband.
definitely take the opportunity to initiate, when you feel in control you feel quite a bit more sexy as well. I used to initiate all the time a few years ago, then had a bit of an ebb and wasn't always very into it, my partner said that he thought it was much more exciting for him when I was really into it, so I try to initiate when I can, and it does help.
ReplyDeleteI also find doing it in different places, even in the guest room or on the couch spontaneously rather than at bedtime is so much more sexy! Predictable bedtime sex is never going to be as good. On a weekend I sometimes like to sneak in sex before going out for the night (whether going to meet people at the bar, or a party, etc), it's sexy and you have that memory lingering all night when you are out and the intimacy stays with you as you sneak glances at each other and squeeze hands, etc.
During the work week, when you have a million things to do, and are stressed and tired, I sometimes try to initiate when we've just gotten home, you can just go with the momentum.
I think you need to feel sexy to get more into, get yourself some lovely underwear, be really flirty which builds anticipation.
I find personally that sex *ahem* breeds sex. The more we have it, the more I want it. Long breaks and I'm much more cool without it. So if I'm not getting it, fantasising about my husband when he's is gone makes me much more likely to want to jump his bones when he gets back. And lots of flirting, and changing things up (sex when you realllly shouldn't be having sex-- you're due somewhere, you're in someone else's house, etc-- is one of my favourites) help. Also, I'll throw in my vote for initiating, especially because it means I know it's going to happen and can get myself in the mood beforehand...
ReplyDeleteOP doesn't mention whether her dear husb is initiating at all. She very sweetly describes her efforts to be Into It, but what about his?
ReplyDeleteAnd this is what I was wondering. I see the answer as being one key to the solution.
Deletethis is exactly what snapchat is for
ReplyDeleteTotally get off the pill. I can't believe I wasted my 20s on it. I didn't reconnect with my sex drive until I got off it at 28. I highly recommend an IUD.
ReplyDelete+1 try non hormonal birth control. Condoms aren't as shitty as they're made out to be. I like Life Style's THIN, but have heard wonders about Crowns.
ReplyDelete+1 having sex not at bedtime.
+1 porn and other stimulus. I've actually found some really great Tumblr blogs that are not so raunchy or BDSM based. here is a favorite. From there, just click on some of the photos you like best and squirrel links away in a discreet bookmark folder. There are even more soft-core based blogs out there, some just erotica.
Like some others have said, sometimes distance just makes you feel...distant. I know I've felt the connection ebb after a dry spell, or even just a particularly busy few weeks. This is totally normal.
Also, if none of this works for you or if you don't get the response from him you were looking for please talk to him. I was feeling really unfulfilled for a while, and tried doing all these things to fix it without communicating to my husband what was wrong. When he was oblivious, he didn't even stop to think that my change in behavior was a product of a problem. Once he was aware, he started taking notice and things have greatly improved. It also just feels really, really good to talk through shit with your husband sometimes. It reminded me that I've got this amazing person to share my burdens with, I don't have to fix everything on my own.
Balls. Blogger is not cooperating. Its letmedothis.com.
DeleteHow is looking at porn or masturbating going to help this woman reconnect with her husband? These activities might put her in the mood but are ultimately helping her find satisfaction elsewhere, which could drive them further apart. I vote for the phone sex/photos/texts to open up communication and get the foreplay going before he even gets home.
ReplyDeleteI think it varies by person. The OP knows better than anyone what gets her going. I, for one, get really stressed out when my partner tries to sext me. It's not foreplay for me, it's just another text message I have to reply to. It's also a little too "real" having a picture of my guy's junk or having to take pictures of my own junk and then send it to him. But a little porn, or shit, even some Grey's Anatomy, anything where other people are having sex? Revs. My. Engine. It just reminds me that sex is something I enjoy and would like to have now, pleaseandthankyou. I think the people here are just sharing what works for them.
Deletetl;dr +1 for porn
I'll also share my super secret best sex toy that will make you want sex all the time anytime (it literally changed my life, you guys.)
http://www.amazon.com/Njoy-Pure-Wand/dp/B000QUYT6A
I know it looks weird and costs a zillion dollars, but this thing is MAGIC. I recommend pairing it with a vibrator and some phone sex (which unlike sexting, I'm 100% in support of.)
P.S. Sorry for the lazy link. I forgot.
DeleteYeah, I think all the porn/masturbation advice is so the OP will keep her libido revved for when her dude IS around. I'm sure this isn't true for everyone, but I once read that the longer men go without sex, the more they want it BUT the longer women go without sex, the less we do. It's like our sex drives can kind of fall asleep, and porn/toys/whatever can WAKE THAT BEAST UP.
DeleteSexting helps take the pressure to be "spontaneous" off both of you. Text him what you're going to do to him when you get home.
ReplyDeleteCheck your guy to make sure you are not mad at him for being away. Suppressed anger kills desire like nothing else.
ReplyDeleteI meant check your GUT. Jeez, unconscious, shove it.
Deletelol hilarious to me that we were called MINIONS.
ReplyDeleteanyways. i know im late to the party but hopefully the OP sees this... sex drive can be directly related to how often you do it, ie the more you do it, the more you want it... and vice versa. so since youre doing it so infrequently, you want it less. the best advice is what ESB said, try and do it more often, even when youre not really feeling it, to kickstart the libido
It's Definitely Too Late
I'm wondering why it is that you feel happy and comfortable having sex the first night he's back when it comes to these stints. If it's more a sense of obligation/resignation than actually being totally into it, I'm wondering if you can muster the same sort of feelings and energy and make it a 'rule' that you have sex not only the first night he's back but also the day or night he leaves again a week (or 2 weeks later) because that might work as a short term solution.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone's already addressed wonderfully the best ideas for long term solutions, but even just getting yourself in the headset where you know you "have" to do it the first and last nights might help alleviate some of the pressure and guilt you're feeling. 2 times in 1 or 2 weeks is definitely not bad and relieving yourself of that pressure and guilt will give you space to work on yourself and your libido and how you're feeling, and try out some of the longer term ideas. Please note that I'm only talking about this idea of "obligatory" sex if it's something you're comfortable and happy with - based on your saying you do it the first night I assumed it might be the case that you're able to perform as an act of giving in such a manner, but obviously NEVER have sex if you're secretly not 100% consenting or if it will make you feel resentful later, because that will just make everything so much worse.
My husband and I have a similar situation with his work, and also with the sex. For me (since I was also dealing with depression, which you don't mention as an issue), the real key was getting into a habit of regular exercise, 2-3 times a week. My sex drive came back with a vengeance within 2 weeks of getting into an exercise routine. Might be worth a try.
ReplyDelete