I was just reading this terrific piece on the Billfold, which led me over to this NY Times piece.
WHAT THE FUCK?
I mean, the people the Times interviewed are mostly old (and rich). But TWENTY YEARS LATER they're still dwelling on who didn't give them a wedding gift??
I just want to say -- right here and now -- to all the friends who didn't give us a gift:
It means so much to me that you made it to our wedding. Or didn't. Maybe you didn't even make it to the wedding. WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE. But we invited you because we love you and we still love you and, just so you know, it matters not ONE IOTA that you didn't buy us anything.
As Emily Gould puts it:
There are so many other costs associated with attending a wedding, especially if you’re in the wedding party or it’s a destination wedding… I know it’s a token and sentimental and that people are generally understanding, but somehow adding a salad spinner to the $450 hotel, $200 dress and $800 plane ticket tends to be the straw that breaks this camel’s back. But that’s both irrational and kind of dickish of me. I’m trying to be better.
IT'S NOT IRRATIONAL! IT'S TOTALLY RATIONAL!
How bout we just do away with the damn wedding gifts already?
Ina Jang for Jalouse April 2012 via Visual Optimism
"Your presence is our gift. We look forward to sharing this with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for coming and for all your support over the years." That's what my gift registry says. That still leaves me having to convince people that no, really, I don't want a [insert kitchen/bath/home item here.]
I am SO SICK of people treating their wedding as a giant gift grab. If you want stuff, set up a kickstarter. It's also WAY cheaper just to buy yourself some crap than to throw a damn wedding so knock it off.
ReplyDeleteTHIS. One friend even told me that the gifts were among the top 5 reasons she was excited to get married. WTF is wrong with people.
DeleteI suppose if all my friends were multimillionaires like the Snapple Lady I might be miffed...luckily I don't have that problem. We asked people to donate to a charity in lieu of gifts and I think that worked out well, though I only got notification that a few people donated. We got a few "real" gifts as well which was a pleasant surprise. My favorite was a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant!
ReplyDeleteOn the reverse side, I do know at least one of our thank you notes got lost in the mail (my husband's aunt, which I found out about thru my MIL) and I was mortified and will never not be paranoid that more went missing and someone out there is secretly hating me.
I feel the same way re: thank you notes! Someone asked my sister if I had received a shower gift. I had sent the thank you note weeks ago, so now I'm nervous everyone things I'm an ungrateful jerk.
DeleteI am also worried about the possibility of lost Thank Yous, but feel weird going around asking people if they received theirs. Some of our wedding invites got lost in the mail too. Thanks, USPS.
DeleteAbout two months after my thank you notes were all written/posted the post office returned to me (in a bag) a completely ripped apart thank you note that I had written, well, two months before. Fortunately it was to my sister so I just called her and explained that she was sent a thank you note but would never receive it unless she really wanted me to re-write it (she didn't). But I do wonder if this was just the solitary thank you note that was returned to me and the post office completely destroyed several others.
DeleteI was just invited to my first wedding in which they ask for charity donations instead of gifts, and am still deciding what to do, so if anyone has any insight that would be marvelous.
DeleteI'm excited to choose which of the charities they named I should actually give to (they're all great options with special meaning to the couple) and will definitely put my normal gift money into that. But I'm also a bridesmaid and it's a close friend and I kind of want to also give them an actual item. But I also don't want to clutter up her house, when I think this was one of the reasons she forewent the traditional registry. Should I get her something perishable or just go ahead and get her something to clutter up her house? One problem is that I haven't visited her (she lives several states away) so I have no idea what items she owns and what she doesn't.
If she registered for donations- she wants donations. Why do people somehow think that with the simplicity of online registries where you can ask for whatever you want, and it's the one time in your life where it's expected, that the couple wants something other than what they registered for?? I just received in the mail last night some really cute stuff from Crate and Barrel that I didn't register for. It's great! It's cute! But I really don't need it; my kitchen is small and I hate clutter and knick knacks. I would guess your friend feels the way I do- I don't expect any gifts as people are all traveling for my wedding and I'm just honored they're coming, I don't have room for a bunch of "stuff", and if people insist on getting us a physical gift we made a small registry of things that we would love to have but haven't bought. Write her a nice card, maybe do something creative and personal about your friendship, but donate to what she asked you to if you choose to give a gift at all.
Delete“You could talk to a 98-year-old woman and she won’t be able to tell you what song she danced to at her wedding, but she can tell you who didn’t give her a gift,” said Jodi R. R. Smith, an etiquette expert in Marblehead, Mass., and consultant for the wedding industry.
ReplyDeleteLIAR.
Honestly, we weren't excited about a registry. My mom pushed for it. Hard. And then followed up to ask me what her siblings got, or if they sent me a sizable check because she wanted to follow up with those that forgot. I told her that everyone was overly generous, and we were excited to see everyone who could attend.
yes! my mom pushed us to register "so we wouldn't get crap we didn't want" and then every day after the wedding asked me what everyone got and who didn't get anything. like she kept a tally in her head. It made me so paranoid when I didn't even give a shit to begin with whether I got a gift or not!
DeleteMost of my best friends didn't get us anything and I don't care. I loved having them there and will give and have given them gifts at their weddings because I want to, not because I'm supposed to.
Same here! Wish I had stuck to my gut and done no registry, asking people instead to donate to the local food bank wherever they live.
DeleteThat article is insanity. I couldn't tell you who gave us a gift or didn't. It's only been two and a half years and there were thirty people at our wedding including us. Yikes.
We had some family push us to register and then they didn't give us any gifts. I'm not bitter about the lack of gifts, but the whole experience was odd. In retrospect, I wish that I had never wasted my time registering, since I knew I didn't want to. What is it about weddings that make us so extra susceptible to influence?
DeleteAs an aside, "... an etiquette expert in Marblehead, Mass." speaks volumes. I mean, not to generalize toooo much but MARBLEHEAD. It's a lovely location but daaaaamn is there a lot of snobby old money there.
DeleteOh great, now my mom just read the article and renewed her rant about all of my guests who didn't bring presents. This is like a borscht belt comedy.
DeleteWe had the opposite problem. We didn't want any gifts because we had been on our own for years. There is nothing more useless than a gift from Tiffany's. There I said it.
ReplyDeleteThose people in the Times article sound awful. AWFUL.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to think (hope?) that is not an accurate representation of most folks.
Holy crap, the people from that Times article are awful.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line of the Billfold article was this one, from Megan Nelson:
"There’s something sort of off to me about the entire idea of wedding gifts when you break it down—we give you something because you found someone who wants to love you and your complexes forever and ever. Not to say I don’t feel compelled to celebrate that love, and that whole definition is an oversimplification, to be sure, and I’m totally alone, so whatever, but still—I imagine what it might feel like to have that, to have that kind of love, and then to have all of your community show up to witness it, and I would hope—maybe—that that would be enough?"
This encapsulates how perfectly I feel about how ridiculous all the registry bullshit is. I hated planning my wedding, and I complained about it a lot, like an asshole ... but I at least acknowledged every time I did so that I was LUCKY to be getting married to an awesome dude and that no one owed us anything for that.
Also, can I just point out that keeping track of who did/didn't give you a gift and then complaining about it is waaaaaaaay tackier than a guest not giving a wedding gift.
I believe you mean (FRIEND OF THIS BLOG!) Meghan Nesmith
Deleteoops! sorry, my bad.
DeleteSo happy to see this article discussed here because it got me RILED UP. Meghan and Anonymous's comments really sum it up for me. Even putting the expense of attending your wedding aside, your friends and family have devoted an entire day to celebrating you (many more days in the case of those who attend your bachelorette, shower, engagement party, etc.) and that is somehow not enough?
DeleteDon't get me wrong, I almost always give a gift, but I can't fathom feeling angry about not getting one after the outpouring of love you already received when you got married.
i'm sorry, but i think not giving a gift is sort of rude. while i will be happy to have all of my friends and my close family with me on our wedding day - there is a large part of wedding planning and stress over making 200 people happy. the guests that are attending should realize that wedding dont cost $10K anymore. im not saying i need a gift to subsidize my wedding, but if we received no gifts at all - i would be shocked. and pissed. thats rude - who goes to Any party and either doesnt pay for their plate or give a gift? really?
ReplyDeletei would liek to note that i did not want shower, did not want gifts at my shower, and did not want to open gifts in front of everyone at the shower i eventually ended up having. which i obviously did - bc thats the way mom wanted it. and, it was kind of awesome, that while we already live together - with our mix and match and pass-me-down everything, its nice to have new stuff for a hopefully down the road, new home. i didnt register at Tiffany's for crystal, but a new dustbuster from bed bath and beyond, etc - is great.
but also, (maybe only in NY) when it comes to the wedding day - giving a gift is sort of odd. you give cash, and thats all there is to it. i dont expect any certain amount from anyone, and i do realize that people give what they can, not everyone lives the same.
in all honesty i do think i will be surprised if there are people who give nothing at all at my wedding. in 3 weeks. ill report back on gifts and feelings about said gifts.
also, hasnt anyone ever seen the godfather?
Probably not the best call to use the godfather as a guide for wedding etiquette.
Deletewedding Gift etiquette.
DeleteI was going to write a comment of my own, but after reading this thread...just wow. I'm speechless.
Deletelet me ask you this.. would you go to a wedding without giving a gift?
DeleteYes, and so have many of my friends. Not usually, but I'm not going to go into the circumstances.
DeleteMy friends and family are scattered all over the country. My wedding was expensive for me, but it was also expensive for many of our guests to attend with travel and time off work. It's easy to get caught up in the stress of planning and spending all that cash, but I tried my best to act like a host.
Let me ask you the same question: if it was between having your friends witness your wedding or having them not come because they couldn't give a gift or felt like you'd be pissed at them if they came empty handed, which would you prefer?
The cost of your wedding is in no way related to your wedding gifts. Full stop. They are separate things.
DeleteYou are CHOOSING to throw a very expensive party in your own honor (no judgement, I did too, and I love it when other people invite me to theirs). You are inviting guests because you love them and want to celebrate with them. The end.
Most of your guests will probably choose to get you something as an indication that they love you and want to mark this time and help you build a home together. But again, this is a choice.
The party goes with the occasion and the gifts go with the occasion but the party and the gifts do not go together. You guests are not getting you gifts to thank you for inviting them to your party, they are getting you gifts to celebrate your marriage.
"The cost of your wedding is in no way related to your wedding gifts. Full stop. They are separate things."
DeleteTHANK YOU. Jesus.
When did it become the expectation that people cover the cost of their plate?
maybe i am just fortunate enough that the majority of my family and friends live fairly close to our wedding location, so the "major travel expenses" isnt really something that i have thought about much. but when i had to travel for weddings in the past, i still gave a gift. my presence is not a present - i give a gift to say hey, i love you, youre awesome, good luck being married.
Deletei certainly dont think that harboring hate towards people who dont give a gift is normal - these people in the article are cray... i simply mean to say, that i think not giving a gift, is rude.
i stand by the "would you not give a gift" question - bc i Doubt anyone wouldnt, without a major IF. "If i had two take 2 days off of work and travel and it was super expensive"
in the same way that if i were invited to a dinner party, id bring dessert or wine, i wouldnt show up to a wedding empty handed.
I suppose in some crazy way I see what you're saying- if everyone is just taking 5 hours on a Saturday to eat and drink at my wedding that it would be simple to give a gift. I do, however, think it is an east coast thing to only expect cash. I think I'd feel weird if my friends who are mostly newlyweds, new parents, etc. just doled out cash, that I know they don't have, for my wedding. Almost all of my wedding guests are traveling 500-1500+ miles, taking days off work, spending multiple nights in hotels, airfare, etc. HOW on earth would I EXPECT that they throw down an extra couple hundred in an envelope? I am honestly so humbled that they are all making the trip and seem so excited about it that it would be insane to expect more. Sure, they could have stayed home, saved a thousand bucks, and sent me a check, but then we'd be standing there all alone with money in the bank. Seems like a pretty easy choice to me, and a MUCH better gift.
Delete@mishcam - I get what you're saying. I do almost always give gifts at weddings. (The few where I haven't are ones where my help with the wedding was the gift and I couldn't afford to get an additional, tangible gift). I also always bring wine to dinner. It's polite and I like to try to do nice things.
DeleteI think the issue is with expectations. Yes, if you know the couple needs something and you can afford it, it is nice to get them a gift and most nice people will want to do that. But you aren't obligated to get a gift (or get a nicer gift) because the person is throwing a $40,000 wedding instead of having a backyard party. And when people mention the cost of their wedding anywhere in the discussion of wedding gifts, that starts sounding like tit for tat, which is never how gifts should work, in my opinion.
I can see being hurt by someone really special to you not getting a gift, if it seemed like the choice was just because s/he didn't give a fuck and couldn't be bothered. But since you never know exactly what is going on with someone, I'd always err on the side of assuming there was a reason for it and then forgetting about it.
This is SO insane. I would be exhausted if I lived like that.
ReplyDeleteI do remember who gave us specific gifts. Particularly our china, which I felt terrible about registering for initially (so traditional, so unnecessary?) but loved so much I couldn't resist. The family grapevine heard how excited we were about the pattern and we got every single piece we registered for, which I never expected. Whenever I'm getting it out for a meal I remember how touched I was when I opened those boxes. Ditto for lots of other items that I use regularly.
I'm sure there were some people who chose not to gift and I could figure out who it was if I went back and checked my thank you note spreadsheet (which exists for the purpose of making sure everyone got thanked properly, not for keeping score), but why would I ever want to do that and what purpose would it serve? Bizarre.
I know I'm in the minority here...but I did get married shortly out of college, and did not live with my hubby beforehand. I do not think it's appropriate to EVER put where you're registered on an invitation. You should not expect to receive a gift. However, lots of people really enjoy giving gifts (I'm one of those crazies) and I must say, getting married on the younger more "traditional" side is was SUPER helpful to receive a few things to help get our first place settled. So, for some weddings, totally appropriate to omit gifts entirely. And as an invitee, totally up to you if you want to give a gift at all. But, I can't say "let's eliminate wedding gifts" all together. I for one would be sad if I could no longer shop for, wrap, and give a gift to my friends/family at weddings :)
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone! I actually love picking out wedding gifts (and am in no way offended by wedding registries - they make it easy for me). I like seeing what the couple wants and I like picking something out that I also own and love and knowing they'll love it too. And, while we could have been totally fine not receiving any gifts, I'm hugely appreciative of what we received and we could never have afforded to do some of that stuff on our own, like getting amazing knives.
DeleteI'm traditional enough that I get a little squicked out by putting registry info in the invitation as well, even though I realize this is vaguely ridiculous because I want that info to be readily available (website, bridal shower invite, something) so that I don't have to sleuth around to figure it out.
I do want to eliminate lots of other mandatory gifts though. Birthdays, mother's day, holidays, I now only get someone a gift if I happen to come across something that I know the person will love. I have no desire to fill the houses of all the adults I know with useless crap. ADULTS DO NOT NEED OBLIGATORY GIFTS MULTIPLE TIMES A YEAR.
As a new mother I want to just say that mother's day is important. Your mother was probably pregnant with you (which altered her body for life) and then put up with all of your sh*t for at least 18 years (I know I was often not a perfect angel). Yes, she made a choice to have you and is probably very, very happy to have you in her life but unless she was honestly a bad mom you should take every opportunity to honor her. And even if she "knows you love and honor her" she is going to feel a bit embarrassed when someone shows her the gift they got for mother's day and then has to explain her daughter doesn't think calendar holidays are very important. Personally I think this is much more rude than not getting a wedding gift for someone.
DeleteThis might hold true when you're younger (or in some families forever?) but trust me, at this point in life the last thing my mom (or MIL, stepmother, grandmother) needs is more stuff. And she'd be the first to tell you that. I make flower arrangements every mother's day and deliver them to all the moms in my life and we have a special meal together. But gifts that I purchased just because it's an arbitrary day on the calendar? No thanks. Our family has an agreement to phase out the adult gifts for obligatory occasions, mother's day included. We'll still get each other gifts at random times, whenever we spot something that someone would really, really treasure. I like it better this way. But that's just my family.
DeleteAlso, I'm not sure how my mom would ever end up in a conversation where people were discussing what they'd gotten for mother's day?
DeleteThis reminds me of this advice column parody. Only that was a joke, and this was... not.
ReplyDeleteFor the record: we received no tea towels at our wedding. We're probably doomed for divorce.
There are only two guests that I remember that didn't get us gifts: my brothers. There might have been more, but this one bothered me b/c they are so special to me, and put zero effort into the whole thing, and treated it almost perfunctorily. I thought at least they would have found a thoughtful gift, but nope. Not going to lie, that one still hurts a little, but it's about more than the gifts.
ReplyDeletemy bros didn't get me a gift either and i didn't give a fuck. why? because our dope ass relationship actually transcends gifts and makes material objects kinda secondary and lame.
DeleteWell, your dope ass brothers probably gave a flying fuck about your wedding and marriage. That's pretty sweet for you, but my brothers have often expressed themselves with "secondary and lame" gifts, and in lieu of actually being excited for me, I thought they may have reverted to form. But no, they didn't, so I was bummed. That's pretty fucking legitimate.
DeleteYes! The thing with wedding gifts is they made more sense when folks got married at like, 18 when they were fresh out of their parents' homes without any plates or silverware or $. Frankly, I also think wedding celebrations made more sense then-- when all my friends flew in from out of town for our wedding, I was thrilled, but I made it clear that their traveling is a HUGE gift in the first place. It's just harder when everyone is scattered. (Although I suppose it also makes reasons to gather together that much more valuable. Either way, no gift is needed on top of devoting your whole weekend to celebrating a couple.)
ReplyDeleteI can barely stand the NYT these days.
ReplyDeletePreach it, ESB!
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the people who didn't bring gifts... what I do mind is the people who missed the ceremony entirely because they felt the need to smoke a bowl in the parking lot AND didn't bring a gift. (I didn't actually notice, I found out when I started asking around for gossip- there could have been a triceratops at my ceremony and I doubt I would have noticed, though hopefully someone would have gotten a photo) That friendship was on thin ice anyway, peaceout.
ReplyDeleteI've smoked a bowl in the parking lot at a wedding before. Because I was bored out of my mind and have some social anxiety which is greatly improved with weed. The ceremony is the most boring part!
DeleteWho are these people? I got married just 6 months ago and can't remember who gave me what and who didn't get me anything. Although I do know I wrote everyone a thank you note! People have lives beyond your wedding, and sometimes they forget to send something or sometimes they just can't afford it. Be grateful for those who came and gave you gifts, and give a little grace to those who didn't.
ReplyDeleteugh. Husboy and I didn't want any gifts (we didn't want Chee$e either) just our guests to be there with us. My mom kept giving me endless grief so we ninja-registered at Target 2 days before the wedding- we received some wonderfully heartfelt written cards, a smattering of gifts and one or two from our sneaky registry.
ReplyDeleteIs it bad if I want to casually email this post to all my friends planning out of state (or Country?!) destination weddings? The gift is, for some reason, totally the straw that breaks this camel's back as well.
ReplyDeleteI think it depends on your culture. In Asian cultures (I'm Indian) cash gifts (or gold) are expected and part of tradition. It's considered a blessing to be able to contribute towards someone's nuptials. We don't traditionally have bridal showers, etc and almost never register.
ReplyDeleteWe also kept a tally of which family member gave what at our wedding, so we knew what to reciprocate when their time came - basically so no one was offended or felt guilty etc. We didn't, however, burn any bridges if we didn't get much from people in comparison to others or what we had given them. Our relationship with them is worth more than the cheque they wrote and even a small amount is still a blessing.
I agree, though, that the "covering your plate" rule is a terrible idea and you will almost always be disappointed if you follow it.
Adding to the outcry: This is ridiculous. The sense of entitlement soaking through this article makes me sick.
ReplyDeleteWe ended up creating a small registry for folks who insisted on buying us things, but only told the people who asked. We really didn't want stuff, but also didn't want to offend people who really, really *wanted* to buy us stuff. As a result, we received a few boxed gifts, some money, and an equal amount of folks did not give us a gift. And that was totally fine. We got married where we live, which is where neither of our families live, so we were just grateful that they could come!
I feel like this bratty, entitled gift-grabbing behavior should be antiquated by now.
"For example, Wendy Kaufman, 54, who gained fame as the Snapple Lady, has never forgotten the three people who did not give a present at her lavish, 300-guest wedding in May 2004."
ReplyDeleteCan we just all contemplate getting wedding presents from all of those other 297 people and STILL remembering that 3 people didn't give her anything?
Also a seriously sexist article, because note it's only women that happen to be complaining about a lack of gifts and thank you notes. Like dudes can't be dicks about manners and perceived slights.
ReplyDeleteAlso, they are only blaming the women for not giving them gifts. Like it's somewhat reasonable for a guy, but his wife should no better!
DeleteI would normally give a gift, just because I like to think I'm contributing something and it also feels like another way to celebrate with the couple.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, once I gave a service as a gift - something the couple had asked for. I put a lot of time and effort in and was happy with the result. After the wedding, as they were handing out thank you cards they pulled me aside and said something along the lines of 'We weren't sure whether to give you your thank you card yet, in case you were getting us something off the registry too' ... I was taken aback to say the least! It left a sour taste in my mouth.
My wedding is next month and I definitely would never corner anyone like that, and I don't expect anything either! Anything people give us is a lovely gesture, not an obligation. Like most people have said, people are going out of their way and travelling a distance - it's just great to have everyone there!
The same day this column came out I received a wedding gift in the mail that was unsigned and shipped directly from the company. Our wedding isn't for another three weeks, so we haven't gotten very many gifts yet so I couldn't do the process of elimination thing. It could be pretty much anyone.
ReplyDeleteI consulted Google because so far Google (and this blog) have helped me solve the many and sundry wedding planning quandaries. ALL of the results, save for one or two, were newleyweds complaining about wedding guests who did not give them gifts and whether they should say anything. Horrifying.
CALL THE COMPANY THAT SENT THE GIFT! They will tell you-- there's probably a note too that got left out. This happened with a bunch of our gifts & they never gave me a hard time about telling me who sent the gift.
Delete