I need some straight talk. My wedding happened this weekend, and ... I have major hair regret now. I got married in a different city from where I live, meaning my tried-and-true stylist was not an option, and so I had a highly recommended lady do my hair. I had a pretty shitty trial (she did an 1980's style updo) with my stylist the week of the wedding, but I figured it was a communication issue that would get ironed out since I emailed her a bunch of pictures of what I wanted after the trial and she seemed to get what I was going for.
On my wedding day, she put my hair in hot rollers and spent the next hour doing my sister's hair. When I pointed out that I had to be at a makeup appointment in 30 minutes, she freaked out and threw my hair into a really shitty updo again, despite me mentioning the pictures and her claiming she would do exactly what was pictured. So when I asked for a low, messy bun ... I got a bunch of curls pinned all over the place, no bun, and lots of volume that I never asked for. And since she finished up five minutes after my makeup appointment was supposed to start, there was no going back. I felt like a poodle all day, and even though everyone swore up and down that they loved my hair, it wasn't what I wanted. At all.
So I guess my question is, wtf do I do now? I have no complaints about the actual wedding, for the record. We had an outdoor wedding in a meadow in the middle of the forest, and it was truly lovely. The ceremony was incredible, the reception was a blast, and the weather was really perfect. I just cannot get over how disappointed I am every time I see myself in a photo ... and although I was so happy on my wedding day, every time I saw myself in a mirror I got sad that I looked so different from the vision that I had in my head during all these months of wedding planning.
I realize that what's done is done, but I feel so utterly shitty about all this. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you!
*****
Oh, lady. This makes my heart hurt.
Here's the straight talk......
YOU'LL GET OVER IT
It'll take a year, but you'll get over it.
In the meantime, stop looking at your wedding photos. And for the love of god STAY OFF THE WEDDING BLOGS
Kate Moss by Daniele & Iango for i-D Magazine (hair by Luigi Murenu) via Fashion Gone Rogue
That is a bummer. :-(
ReplyDeleteThe other thing to remember is that even if your wedding was 100% exactly how you wanted it (hair and all) there will still be things 10 years from now that you'll cringe at, most likely. It's only been five years for me and I already would do pretty much everything differently. So focus on that. The hair you really wanted? You might have hated it in 5 years anyway.
Focus on the memories made and the love that you share.
Exactly. Very few wedding choices stand the test of time. My parents had a "classic, timeless" wedding and it still looks totally 1970's.
DeleteMy wedding hair didn't turn out exactly as I had envisioned either, but at the end of the day if there was one thing that had to go wrong, I'm so glad it was that and not something more important.
I think this generation of brides tries too hard to make themselves look entirely different. I personally don't like the overly elaborate up dos. My daughter made me get my hair done for her wedding and I absolutely abhor the way I looked.
DeleteI feel the exact same way but have absolutely no one to blame, I did my own hair. It's been a year and a half since the big day and when I see pictures still wish I could fix it. But I try to remember that I can't and that I had a fantastic day which is ultimately what matters most.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't a fan of my wedding hair either - the stylist was my mom's, and she trimmed my bangs crooked, and gave me some pretty weird looking curls. She was also a bitch and complaining loudly to anyone who would listen about various things (such as, why wasn't anyone getting her that iced tea she asked for??).
ReplyDeleteBut! No one else noticed my hair problems at all, and while 3 years later I'm still annoyed at the hairdresser, it doesn't bother me looking at the pictures. Have fun being married, and don't recommend that stylist to anyone!
A year and change later, my favorite thing about my wedding was that my family and friends are still saying what a great party it was, how much fun they had that weekend, and how they really enjoyed themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm still shaking off the "details hangover" and have a few things I wish I'd done differently (my makeup being one of them...) but when going through the photos, seeing the big smiles on everybody's faces is a good reminder that a different style of mascara or a lipstick reapplication right before the reception wouldn't have mattered, anyway. It was just a really really fun day.
Yeah. Just like kfunk said. There is so many individual things I still wish I could change but none of them are impactful enough to make me sad overall about my wedding (it was still the best I've ever been to--and I think that'd be true even if I wasn't the bride). But there are regrets. What's that quote? Best is the enemy of the good? (err...or something)
ReplyDeleteWith regards to hair, I wish my hair were longer at my wedding (I've been wearing it longer lately) and I wish I had worn a flower crown (which I didn't b/c I thought it didn't go with my shoulder-length hair).
And with regards to vendors, my baker was a total bitch. I totally regret hiring her. Man, I hated her (the baked goods were fine--she was just AWFUL).
perfect is the enemy of the good?
Deletehonestly, just go put your dress on - make your husband throw on his tux/suit, do your own hair in a low bun - and go take some pictures in a park. YES they wont be from your wedding day - but you'll be happy to have them.
ReplyDeleteand youll grow to a point where you can either laugh at your hair mess up, or be happy that it was the one thing to wrong instead of the food not showing up or someones drunken brother falling on the cake, everyone has to have Something happen on their wedding day, right - at least it was only hair.
Yeah, this was my thought.
DeleteIf you look back on the wedding as a whole, the hair is no big deal. I'm sure no one was pointing at it and laughing. If you look at pictures.. ugh, the fucking hair will be everywhere. If you know you want to display them or look back at them, take a few new ones.
I agree with this idea - throw your dress on, make sure your hair is exactly how you envisioned - grab some champagne and your man and take some casual/fun pictures.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletefucking rude. If you got your wedding pics back and you had stupid prom queen hair, you'd probably be disappointed too.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteAnd if you couldnt pick up on the sarcasm in the post, I blame the internet.
Deletedoes anyone else really want to see a picture of the hairdo?
ReplyDeleteTo OP: It probably isn't that bad, really.
And I agree with the person above, if it really does bother you, then get some post-wedding shots done, or 'beloved shoot' as I've heard them called. Show THOSE ones to the grandkids ;)
does anyone else really want to see a picture of the hairdo?
ReplyDeleteTo OP: It probably isn't that bad, really.
And I agree with the person above, if it really does bother you, then get some post-wedding shots done, or 'beloved shoot' as I've heard them called. Show THOSE ones to the grandkids ;)
And try to remember that your day was not about your hair. It was about the person you're spending the rest of your life with...who probably thought you looked fucking beautiful.
ReplyDeleteKate
www.thrillofthechaise.com
THAT IS SO HELPFUL
DeleteTHIS!!
DeleteDoes anyone else feel really embarrassed when Kate swears? It's like my mom swearing or saying "hip" or something.
Delete@Anon 8:18 Yes! EVERY TIME.
Deleteit is the THRILL of the Chaise. I'm sure she's thrilling.
Deleteheh ...me too
DeleteThe hair thing would not in my opinion be as bad if people didn't without permission plaster images all over FB. I have a new name for Ef Book can you guess what it is?
DeleteWhich is a good reason why strapless wedding gowns should be abandoned.
DeleteMy hair wasn't awful or anything, but I was disappointed in it--especially because I paid for it to look more amateur than what I'd been experimenting with doing it on my own. I had the same situation--even though my stylist (/acquaintance) was nice and asked me to look it over and see if it's what I wanted, we'd run out of time.
ReplyDeleteIt's a year later and while I still look at the pictures and kind of sigh wistfully (especially when I'm leaving the house with my hair done more similar to what I'd wanted on the wedding day and glancing at our wedding photo hung by the door), it's just that--wistful, and not that sort of dull, sick disappointment that was there immediately after.
But yes, in the meantime, DON'T LOOK AT THE PICTURES. Give them some air to breathe and give your memory a chance to build the 'do up into something catastrophic so that, many months from now, when you look at the pictures it's not nearly as bad as you remembered it to be.
I thoroughly enjoyed my wedding. Everything seemed perfect. Loved my hair, the food, the cake. Everyone had a great time. A few days later I looked at the photos and my BOOBS LOOKED CROOKED. Jeebus. At least you didn't have crooked boobs.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I hated my wedding and almost everything about it - but my boobs looked great. Thanks for making me feel better, because I totally did.
DeleteHere's my theory about post-weddings:
ReplyDeleteWeddings are this nutty fever of obsession in the lead-up. Even if you're being chill, you're probably more wound up than normal. And then the wedding happens and it is, at the very least, intense. It's emotional, it's loaded with expectations and "meaning" and maybe also booze and adrenaline and dancing.
And then, all of a sudden, it's over. That void, where the wedding/honeymoon planning and thinking existed, is complicated to fill back up. So you feel uneasy. So you look for things to explain the uneasy. You've settled on your hair as an explanation. For me, it was how the bill was settled at the end of the night. for Anon @11:13 it was her crooked tits.
You just have to let go, offer up this unease to the universe, and forgive yourself any lingering anxiety. Your wedding was fucking awesome. It was also complicated and imperfect and, prob because of all the feels confusing. Forgive the imperfect and revel in the awesome.
THIS. Awesome.
DeleteYep. This is exactly right.
DeleteA week and a half after my wedding, I really needed to hear this right exactly now.
DeleteThank you for this! I really needed to hear this. I think that the general swamp of emotions post-wedding is tripping me out and it's alllllll getting channeled into this intense regret about my hair.
DeleteCould be worse. I went to a wedding where the bride had lost too much weight, and her dress was too big on top and kept sliding down. During their first dance she was showing the crowd a little too much, if ya get my drift.
ReplyDeleteSorry- that should have been a reply to Crooked Anonymous :)
DeleteMy wedding dress was......not good. My mother (a wonderful seamstress) finished it at 2am the night before the big day, so I never got a chance to make sure the slip and bra I got were going to work with it, couldn't make a few simple adjustments that would have made the dress perfect for me, and felt hurt and confused that my mom (who is in great health and does not work) put it off for so long-my hair, my makeup, everything was so pretty, I was just so dissappointed that the dress, while pretty and a decent fit, was not what I hoped for. But still, my husband thought I was gorgeous, I only look at wedding photos that show me from the chest up, and three years later we still talk about what a fun and amazing day. Most importantly, after moping over it for a few weeks after getting married, I decided that for our fifth anniversary I will splurge on the coolest, sexiest dress I can find to make up for feeling less than foxy in my wedding dress. Seriously, it's silly but it does take a while to get over it-once you do, realize that you can have plenty more opportunities to get your hair did and look awesome.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience with my wedding (9 years ago)...only mine centered around my dress. The woman who altered it altered it about a half inch too short. You could literally see the tips of my shoes. I was young when I got married (21 - high school sweetheart) and my mom didn't think it looked that bad. Every time I look at those pictures I get irritated and it's been 9 years. It's the only thing from that day that I wish I could change! My only suggestion is years down the road have a vow renewal with a new dress, hairdo, etc. and display those pictures. (This is my plan anyways. lol)
ReplyDeleteI would like to add another vote for do-over photos! You'll always have the photos from your wedding with all of your guests having an amazing time, but then you'll also have these casual shots of you and your husband to serve the purpose of "damn we're fine." There will be a time when the grandkids are gonna want to see the full wedding album, but for those other times when people just want to see your dress you'll have some pics you love.
ReplyDeleteI did my own hair, ran out of time (also, terrible at doing hair, which a smart person might have taken as a sign to get a stylist) and ended up with a ponytail. It was supposed to be an awesome, edgy ponytail with some bouffant going on but it was just your average running errands around town ponytail. Meh.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurt issue was our food, which was not a complete disaster but was significantly different from how I'd imagined it and stressed me out for most of the wedding. I still get a little sick when I think about it, two years later, but I'm getting over it. I think the hair sadness you're feeling will fade in time as well.
There is always going to be something, right?
There IS always going to be something. What's funny about all this was I totally saw your wedding on 100 layer cake when I was planning and was blown away by how lovely it looked! And I thought your ponytail looked hot :)
DeleteWhat makes me so bummed is that I am terrible at doing my own hair also, and so I guess I really built up the wedding as this one special time when I was going to have baller hair and look like the prettiest version of myself ... and I hate that I can see it in every photo. But I'm feeling better about it every day, and I know that I can get to a point where I don't feel like crying and puking every time I see a photo of myself.
I had a trial with my mom's small town stylist's 20 year old niece two days before my wedding, hated what she did and cancelled at the last minute. I hadn't brought any of the stuff I normally use for my hair with me (so many bad decisions in retrospect, I was not good at wedding stuff!). So I did my own hair with the random products my mom had. It turned out fine--hard to really fuck up curls-- but it wasn't my ideal. There is so much pressure to be the prettiest you have ever been, and recognizing that I have looked/felt better in lots of other situations since then really helped. This was a rambley way to say that for me, it was about letting go of the expectation that bridal you is the prettiest you'll be. Also, you should tell the salon owner about your experience!
ReplyDelete"There is so much pressure to be the prettiest you have ever been." YES. There is also so much pressure for the wedding day to be the LAST TIME EVER that you will celebrate, or have a ton of fun, or be perfectly pretty, or wear a great dress, or or or.
DeleteI have a hard time looking at my wedding photos for a lot of other reasons. It does get better with time. And I say a hell yes to re-doing some photos of the two of you. Wedding clothes or not.
Yeah! I didn't even like dress shopping (usually I love that kind of stuff) because it seemed so monumental-- like, this is THE dress you'll be remembered in. Which is a really weird way to think of it, because the wedding is the beginning of something, you know? (Same poster from above) :)
DeleteI feel your pain. My hair was cool BUT my middle aged female DJ rode a fence like a horse, grinded with my dad and did not play ANY of the songs we asked for. I mention this because it seemed horrible at the time, but 3 years later it's fucking hysterical. We love the super manic photo of her in our wedding album.
ReplyDeleteNONE of this stuff matters to anyone else. I.e., it shouldn't matter to you.
ReplyDeleteThank your lucky stars no one died or had sex on the dance floor. I couldn't tell you what the bride's hair looked like at the last 3 weddings I went to -- which were my best friends' -- and mainly just get nostalgic warm and fuzzy feelings about all the love in the room.
I'd like to thank everyone for sharing their regrets and especially Ms K for her great post.
ReplyDeleteI personally was really disappointed by the pictures. So when I look at the pictures, I'm reminded that...I don't like the pictures. I'm not really over it, but I also know it doesn't mean as much as I feel it does. And time does help. I agree, though, stay off the blogs!!
My hair still makes me cringe three years after getting married. Not a bad cringe, just a little, like, ohhh, man, I should have spoken up about what I wanted, but I was too blissed out to care at the time.
ReplyDeleteI did a trial up-do a month before, then on the day of, as I was leaving the salon, I noticed she'd given me a hard-core 1998 zig-zag part along with my low, 1920s chignon. I should have turned around then and there and nicely asked to have it fixed, but I was too excited to go get married.
Go back to the stylist and tell them you aren't happy with their service, that you will have a lifetime of looking over the photographs to remind you about being unhappy and that they should have been more careful.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I did and secured a full refund for myself, my mother and my 3 BM's. admittedly my reasoning was slightly different (she made us half an hour late on an already tight timeline), but I assume the same principal applies.
Move on to now and I'm still pissed off we were late as I missed the family shots with my mum and sister. I still blame the hairdresser, but at least I got a refund.
This was exactly me. I obsessed about my hair on for the first week of the honeymoon that I hardly slept at all. I too had curls where a straight bun should have been and everyone talked me out of marching back down to the hairdresser to change it and I wish they never did. it's been eleven months since my day and although it doesn't bother me so much anymore, I still don't like it when I see a side view photograph and my favourite pics are where I'm wearing my veil.
ReplyDeleteI so sympathize but you will be ok.
Thank you all for all of your post. I hate my wedding day hair. I left for my honeymoon thinking my wedding was perfect. When we came back from our honeymoon, someone mentioned our wedding pics other people posted on facebook. I looked at them and after viewing them noticed my hair. My two front side curls didn't look like they did in my trial. I haven't looked at my professional photos yet, still not ready. You guys have helped with me dealing with the horrible feeling I have about my hair.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to read this and know I am not alone, I chose to wear my hair down in lose curls...BIG mistake. I have very curly hair and I told the stylist that I needed a bunch of product to keep it nice and tidy because my hair super frizzes if it is humid or rains. Well it rained and was humid all night, my hair looked a utter mess for all of the second half of my wedding. The worst part is I had no idea how bad it was till I saw the pictures and video. I am so mad and depressed about it, if I had gone to the bathroom or saw a mirror I might have been able to do something but no. To make it worse, our couple photos with the photographer were towards the end of the wedding, my hair is a mess in almost every shot. I hope this passes but even when I think about showing the photos and video to my future daughter one day I feel embarrassed
ReplyDeleteThis is where a maid of honor or bridesmaid should step up.
DeleteIt has made me feel better to read this too. I thought I was going crazy (which I probably am!) because we had the most amazing day ever - my cheeks hurt so much from smiling all day. As I walked out of the house in the morning I realised the belt I had gotten made looked very white outside and my dress was cream. I was so giddy with excitement that I just didn't care (even though I had a spare darker one in the house). Now that I look back on it it annoys me more than anything. I get this sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach and feel like the whole wedding was ruined in my mind because of this. It has upset me so much. A few people have said they didn't even notice it was different and it probably didn't look that bad if no one knew it was supposed to be anything different. Its just the whole year of planning of tiny little things from getting colour samples of invitations to buying 3 pairs of shoes - and then I miss something so bleedingly obvious on my WEDDING DRESS. I think we all need to think about that stupid pressure to look the best you've ever looked. It's ridiculous and we can't let these things ruin our marriages.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same about my dress. it was such a mess from the beginning because of all the hoops I had to jump through to get it altered at the store. I got the dress back 3 days before I have to travel for our destination wedding. I was so annoyed with the service I got, I put the dress in a bag and didn't put it back on until the wedding day. When I put it on, everyone was so happy and so was I. I thought I looked so beautiful and I felt so confident. I was the happiest when I saw our parents and my husband when I walked down the aisle. We partied and laughed the whole night. I had to pull up my dress a few times but it didn't bother me cause I was tearing up the dance floor.
ReplyDeleteA few months later, I got the pictures and I was horrified. My dress was all over the place and it looked awful. Its been 6 months and I still have a hard time looking at the pro pictures. I feel like I embarrassed myself and I that I was a big fool because everyone has pictures of my failings.its killed my self esteem.
I know weddings are just one day in your life and the most important part was that we finally got our families and friends together to celebrate. There will be other days to be beautiful and party but this part was really important to me. I have cried for days on end , and I still do sometimes.I've talked to so many people about it and all they tell me is to remember we had a good time and to get over it. I feel so bad for my husband cause I talk to him almost everyday about it because if I can't look good in pro pictures, what do I really look like. Its been really hard for me to get over it, but I know I will. I am getting my dress fixed up , take a few more pictures and then trash the dress. I think once its out of my life, I can move on. I have to admit the pictures really show how I felt that day and I couldn't stop smiling.
I appreciate everyones stories because I believe it helps me to know we all have our regrets. The common thread seems to be we all had a good time! Why isn't that enough!
It has made me feel so much better to stumble upon this post, because I sympathise entirely. I got married at the end of August and we had the most perfect day, I seriously had an amazing time from start to finish and felt like I laughed all day. However having now seen a few photos I realise that I HATE MY WEDDING HAIR! I went for a trial which I was happy with, but it felt like on the day itself the hair stylist I had (who is supposedly the best in the area so I didn't look at any other options) didn't really bother remembering what she had done at my trial and pinned up lots more hair than I wanted pinned up (I was aiming for relaxed romantic waves pinned in a half up half down). When I look at the pictures now it looks very 'done' and not really like something that suited me at all. I realise how shallow this sounds because the day was not about my hair, but about my lovely husband and me and all our family and friends, but I just feel so cross with myself because I'd been happy with what she had done at the trial and on the wedding morning I was so nervous and excited and I didn't spend any time properly looking at my hair once the stylist had finished. I could have easily asked her to make a few changes but I think I was just so full of adrenaline that I wasn't even concentrating on it. Also, I had been happy with the trial and when you are paying someone that much money you sort of expect that you are in the hands of a professional and they are going to do exactly what you had agreed on...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I feel like a horrible shallow person for obsessing about it so much and even writing this. However it gives me some relief to know that other Brides have felt the same about this kind of thing, and I realise that I now need to pull myself together and get a grip (and probably stop looking a the photos so much....) But it does feel a bit gutting and I can't help but dread getting our professional photos back and re-living my hair disappointment all over again. I hate that there is this ridiculous pressure on your wedding day to look the most beautiful you have ever looked in your life, when chances are you might randomly look really great on a grey Monday yet there won't be a hundred people there taking photos of you!
i hated mu hair too. i wore y hair down i got it curled because i have really thin hair and with the curls i hoped to have more volme. but my curls lasted only for 3 hours my hair straightened :(( i wore a veil and a tiara it was very hot that day and i guess that is why it staightened, my hair behind my back looked like strings and i kept combing it!! but as a professional hairdresser he should have not let this happen because i have been going to that hairdresser for 12 years. i am so angry and so dissapointed i even have nightmares and i cant stand looking at my wedding photos. has anyone had this same bad experience like me?? please write
ReplyDeleteI am having the same issue! I am so glad there are other people out there who feel this way (I am not going crazy at least I think...) I just got married in June and the stylist could not replicate the look I wanted from the trial (my hair is straight and thin and wouldn't curl) she did one up do and we both decided it looked awful so she redid it and I wasn't thrilled with it but at that point time was running out and I could tell she was getting stressed from other appointments she had. She made it look ok so I left to get my make up done. After I had my makeup and hair all done I was extremely disappointed and did not feel pretty. I even texted my husband upset but I didn't want my mom or bridesmaids to know even though I had a mini meltdown and they told me to go back to the salon-which with all the craziness of the day I honestly did not even think that was an option. After the honeymoon is when I started to regret and I cried and even realized how vain it is to be upset about. I think that society makes it out that you have to be the most gorgeous version of a super model on your wedding day. Although I did not feel as pretty as I do on other days, I was smiling in all of my pictures and my husband told me all night how gorgeous I look. It really is sad that so many women beat themselves up over this because I am struggling as well. I think that with some photo shopping skills and a possible just bridal portrait session I might start to come around. I know it is so hard!
Deleteso sorry that you had to experience like this on your wedding :'(
ReplyDelete