Hi ESB,
I've been reading your blog for the past few weeks as conversations with my boyfriend have started to turn toward marriage. We've been dating for 11 months, live together, are about to embark on renovating my house together. We talk big picture all the time, like about marriage, kids, house money, etc.
My reason for concern is that we have not talked about the small picture stuff -- like the proposal and engagement ring! I get that guys want the proposal to be a secret and I am concerned that he thinks he should just pick out a ring himself, since he has not mentioned engagement rings once in conversations about other items we're saving for (a juicer, a kayak, etc), not asked me to recommend jewelry I like, nothing. I know how to subtly drop hints about the wedding but don't know how to subtly say BUY ME A RING.
Should I be worried that we haven't chatted about the timing of engagement? And more to the point, how do I get the ring I want? Particularly, I don't want a solitaire diamond.
PS I don't want to sound like a materialistic bitch -- I want a small, cheap wedding, etc. I just figure if I'm going to wear a ring for the rest of my life, I want to get the right one, you know?
Help!
*****
There is no subtle way to say BUY ME A RING.
You can, however, tell your boyfriend "Just so you know… If and when we do get engaged… I don't want a diamond solitaire!"
And then show him what that is, because men are stupid. And then maaaaaaybe, if he's not stupid, he'll say "Well, what kind of ring would you want?"
Mirage by Beth Hoeckel
First, I'm not stupid.
ReplyDeleteSecond, the rest of the advice is solid. Use "if" and point out things you do and don't like. However, for the love of his sanity, don't do it every day.
DEFINITELY have the conversation. not just because some men are dumb, but also because you don't want to hurt his feelings. it could be that he has a family ring that he is planning to give you, and i'm sure he'd be CRUSHED if you didn't like it. talk about it now !
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see what happens after Rob's comment.
ReplyDeleteI left my gentleman a note. It said, "if you are ever wanting to buy me a fancy ring, here is the fancy ring I like and here is who to get it from they made me a maybe-file)."
ReplyDeleteIt was perfect. I have my lovely, unusual ring-- which was less money than I was afraid he'd feel outside pressure to spend without guidance from me-- and he got to surprise me several months later.
I told my husband before we were married, "If you ever want to buy me jewelry, like *cough* a ring, or something, make sure you ask my mom for advice. She knows exactly what I like." And then I gave my mom the details (type of band, metal, stone, etc). Women tend to be much better at remembering these things anyway, since most men spent 0.00001% of their time thinking about jewelry. Anyway, it worked for me. He asked my mom's advice and bought me an AMAZING ring.
ReplyDelete...aaaand you don't have to wear your engagement ring forever. Maybe he'll get you a diamond solitaire like, tomorrow! You can go back with him and exchange it, and you can also get a wedding band of your choice that you can wear instead of the engagement ring. I didn't totally love my ring and just wear my simple wedding band. So much easier and more comfortable than slugging around a protruding rock. Just my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteoh god how I wish I would have known about this blog earlier. I also wish I would have talked to him, then maybe I'd like the ring i'm wearing.
ReplyDeleteYo tambien.
DeleteI brought it up one night when we were watching tv. Offhandedly said, oh I found some rings I like today. He said, oh really? I asked if he would like to see them? He said yes. I shared, and we talked about what I liked and what he liked. I never specifically said, this is what I want for an engagement ring. He got the point though. It worked and no egos were bruised.
ReplyDeletei had the same problem with not wanting a traditional ring. finally i brought it up one day and it was awkward and my boyfriend was slightly bummed i did because he wanted it all to be a total surprise, but it's for the best because he was having trouble finding a ring anyway. i ended up sending him a list of rings i like so he can figure it out from there and it will still be a surprise because i don't know what ring i'll end up getting or when it will happen.
ReplyDeletePrior to getting engaged my fiance and I lived together, spent holidays with each others' families, talked often about what our married life and life as parents would look like, and had been together for years. It was lovely, but he never. frickin. proposed. So finally one day I just told him it would be nice to know roughly when and to know that this was something he was thinking about. I think because we were so on top of the big picture he figured it didn't matter when he proposed cause obviously we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. It was really sweet, but also frustrating and I told him that literally any time he wanted to propose would be fine by me. It wasn't subtle, but it was sooo necessary. 3 months later we were engaged.
ReplyDeleteyep. this. my guy was the same - there was never a question about being together forever, so he was comfortable with the status quo. He did still surprise me though because I got the impression from him it would be another year or two before he proposed, but it was about 4 months.
DeleteI spent a lot of time worrying about this because I knew I wanted something unique/antique and cheap, and no guy just knows that without discussion. I felt like I was setting him up for failure. We decided to elope, but there wasn't a proposal and there wasn't a ring... I finally just flat out said, "If we're getting married in 2 weeks, we're out of time to get rings. It has to happen asap." From there it was totally simple. Maybe I'm just a huge B though.
ReplyDeleteWe always hear about this nice idea of the perfect (surprise!) proposal with the perfect (surprise!) ring, but I don't know a single couple that wasn't a mix of:
- girl just saving rings on Pinterest (this makes me so sad, but it happens)
- pre-shopping for rings together
- girl initiates a "where is this going?" relationship talk
If you guys live together and are renovating a house, I'd be all "Great. After we pick out this paint color we can go look at rings." You're not dropping hints for the perfect prom corsage here - you are adults who live together and are moving towards marriage. You are allowed to have a say in things.
I had the surprise. Literally hadn't talked about marriage in three years and the last talk we'd had was him saying that was totally not an option for him ever. So when he asked me I was so completely unprepared that I freaked out and didn't know what to say because I hadn't thought about the option in a concrete way in a long time. The ring, btw, is not something I would have picked, but I really love it!
DeleteSo yeah, it happens. But I wouldn't be able to say for sure if this was my ideal way for it to happen! Would have loved to have been prepared enough to shriek yes at the right moment instead of stare blankly and say 'what?'.
Girls saving rings on Pinterest may make you sad, but it's where my ingenious fiancé found mine. :) I had pinned it, and he was looking over my shoulder one night and saw monogrammed bean bag toss boards at a wedding reception. He asked to see it, so I pulled up my crazypants "for the future" board and he was smart enough to go back, find my pinterest, and get an idea of the ring I want. Not only did I get the EXACT ring I pinned, I got the perfect surprise proposal I wanted, without any ring shopping. :)
Deleteholla for the digital marketing fiancé ..haha
I also had the surprise. more like supreme shock. he picked out the ring alone, called my parents for permission, got down on one knee, the whole shebang. The entire proposal I thought it was a joke and kept asking, 'But why are you on the floor?' And I love my ring, btw
DeleteI was worried my fiance would spend way more than he needed to/I wanted him to. I wanted a simpler ring so we could finally marry each other, not something he needed to save for another year to further put off the official beginning of our family.
ReplyDeleteI knew he was saving (he told me) and one day casually asked "do you have an idea of what you'll get?" Not being super jewelry-savvy, is response was "oh, you know... a ring... with a diamond...?" I then showed him a couple examples of what I liked - less than half the cost what he was expecting - and "accidentally" left my pinterest logged in to his laptop. I ended up with a perfect ring and he still got to choose the one he wanted (ahem, I pinned a lot of rings).
Learning to ask for what you want directly and without feeling too awkward about it is a critical relationship skill. It doesn't matter how much you love each other, you are not mind readers! There will probably be weirder things that you have to discuss at some point, so might as well get good at it now.
ReplyDeleteNot that you should dictate the exact purchase, it's a gift, after all, but letting him know that you have specific taste in rings is a good heads up that he'll probably appreciate.
Agreed. And it made me think of this cartoon. :)
DeleteIs it uncommon for people to go shopping together, post-engagement?
ReplyDeleteWe'd had all the "where is this going?" talks, and he asked me to marry him during a Saturday walk. We went shopping for rings a day or two later. Thank god, because he and I have totally different tastes.
It seems like it is pretty uncommon, but that's what my husband and I did. We had been together for years and had had about a million conversations about proposals, marriage, our future, etc. We planned when we would get engaged and married together; it wasn't all his decision. The exact day and way in which he proposed was still a surprise, but he knew me well enough to know that I would want to choose my own ring, so he proposed without one, then made plans for where to shop the next day. Also, I didn't consider the ring a gift at all. It was paid for with my money just as much as with his, and I'm the one who has to wear the thing, so yeah, I wanted to have the final say. Men who would be offended by this must have fragile egos.
DeleteWhen we'd decided that we were pretty much it for eachother, my lovey and I were out for a drive. I pointed to a schmaltzy billboard featuring a huge diamond. "Yuck", I said. "Who'd need something like that to say that they loved someone? I'd prefer a plain gold band." Subtle, right? My partner went dead white silent. Poor lovey had a family stone that was a big honking diamond. I felt like such a heel when he sheepishly offered it to me, loose in a box.
ReplyDeleteStill, everything worked out. We compromised and had it set in a very stripped back setting that reflects my less extravagant (read- cheap) tastes and I refer to it as ringzilla. After a couple of years I've even gotten used to having something the fiscal equivalent of a midpriced sedan on my hand.
Communication is so important. If you can't honestly express your feelings about a finger decoration, how are you going to talk about the important stuff?
I id the "if you're ever going to buy me a ring, please make sure it's not a blood diamond" and ended up with a gorgeous Ceylon sapphire. It's perfect. Also, maybe you should just be concentrating on the small stuff right now? You're renovating! That's kind of a big deal for two people who have just moved in together. The ring can wait.
ReplyDeleteI would say you can't be subtle about this - I hinted and talked and showed rings to my fiance and it still didn't sink in! hah. He proposed without a ring, and we got one together in the end, but when I asked him what he would have picked out if it had been only him he pretty much said a safe option, classic - ie nothing like the one I ended up with.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the 'ask my mom or best friend' trick - it's easy enough as a request and it also means you can tell them exactly what you want without losing an element of surprise.
But also - seconding the 'chill' suggestion, have the conversation and then back off. It sounds like you have a lot on, please don't get caught up in this 'pre-engaged' bollocks nightmare.
please hold off and be surprised. i am an anxious, control freaky sort, and i'm so happy that i backed off and let my now fiance' do his thing. he chose a gorgeous pre-deco ring (simply from knowing my politics and style) that he thought i would like and, equally, that he loved too. i think part of the fun is seeing what your other sees about you, and to see it reflected in a ring you wear everyday is really sweet.
ReplyDeleteThe classic methodology is passing a jewelry store window - or an antique store - "Oh wow, honey, isn't that gorgeous!?!?!"
ReplyDeleteThe second time around things were much more direct. Still surprises, still romance, but much more straight talk. I think everyone should have their second marriage proposal first.
My bf (at the time) saw me looking at rings on line and asked me to send him links to the ones I liked. It was great, we emailed rings back and forth so he knew what I liked but I let him choose the final one. Of course he chose the one I sent him repeatedly.... I thought I was being subtle. We both won.
ReplyDeleteWe went ring shopping together. And married one year and we still have yet to buy our wedding bands. Whatevs.
ReplyDeleteAlso you've only been dating 11 months. Sometimes there is a large period of time between talking about marriage and making the actual step to be actually engaged with rings and dates picked out. Just keep talking. If you really want to be engaged sooner then you'll have to start doing some asking yourself.
While you're having those big picture talks, why not ask how he feels about getting engaged? That's what I did. Then we went ring shopping, got something perfect, and I told him to take it home and surprise me. This way I got a dreamy ring, a romantic proposal, and we made a huge decision about our future together like adults.
ReplyDeleteSo, we were talking about it one night, when my then boyfriend looks at me, and says Should we get engaged? Me: Yes, Him: then I should know your ring size. Me: Okay. Actually, wait. Can I come with? I'd like to see the pretties. Him: Of course!
ReplyDeleteI think it might work better to have the "do we want to get engaged sometime soon" conversation at a different time from the "here's the kind of ring I wold like you to 'surprise' me with when you propose" conversation. If it turns out you and he are not totally in accord with respect to an imminent engagement, the ring details might be overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and this is obviously a matter of personal preference, getting proposed to with no ring or a twist tie ring (weird ugly thrift store ring in my case) and then picking out the ring yourself can work out just fine too.
Even with the level of love and commitment you guys obviously have for each other, I'm not sure there's a subtle way to encourage someone to propose after less than a year of dating. Plus, there's a good chance he's thinking that renovating a house is a huge project and when that's done you'll tackle that other huge project of planning a wedding. I'd say enjoy this time right now but if being engaged in the next couple of months is important to you and having a say in the ring is important to you then you're probably going to have to tell it to him straight. Maybe the next time you're talking about marriage or kids just ask when he thinks he'll want to get married or when he'll want to start a family. Or mention that you think it's romantic for couples to go ring shopping together. Odds are that even with the big picture talks he's not thinking 11 months is the time to propose.
ReplyDeleteTHIS. I was reading through all of these comments and thinking: 11 months? Conversations have only turned towards marriage in the last few weeks?
DeleteCHILL OUT ALREADY. Yeesh.
That's where my mind immediately went. Also if you can't have an open discussion on something as little as ring styles, you want to wait a bit until marriage. Just saying....
DeleteFriends, it's never too early to say I DON'T WANT A DIAMOND SOLITAIRE.
ReplyDeletebut is it ever too early to say I WANT A DIAMOND SOLITAIRE? that's the real q
ReplyDelete