Your blog is my first stop in the morning every day, and I love it to bits. I never thought I'd be writing to you, but 1.5 months before my wedding, here I am! (Yay?) I am severely in need of some candor, even if it means getting bitchslapped across the face with the truth of my idiocy. So, without further ado, here's the sitch. I'm sorry it's so long!
So, my best friend (we'll call her Jane) is a bridesmaid in my wedding. I didn't name her the MoH because I was worried she wouldn't be great at helping with stuff (boy was I right), so I just didn't choose one.
Our friendship has always been really easy and fun, we were roommates for a few years, and have done a good job staying in touch and visiting and everything. There are three things that she's done (or rather not done) that make me really sad and kind of angry, and one thing that makes me livid. Also, please keep in mind I have very specifically never asked her to do anything, so I don't think I'm really expecting too much, but maybe I am?
Thing 1: Jane offered to help out with the flowers for the wedding because she studied plants in college, works in the field, knows pretty much everything about plants ever, and said she had a lot of fun doing the flowers for her aunt's wedding.
I thought "great." We had a really fun afternoon in October looking at pictures, and her making a list of things I liked (most of which I didn't know the names of). I decided on a few flowers, turns out I have really weird taste in flowers, so they're not really ones you can pick up at the florist. My mom offered to plant said flowers, as long as the flowers can survive and bloom and such in my mom's shady yard in MN.
I ask Jane about that, and she says she'll find out. For her this should be a relatively simple task, for me it would require hours of googling as I have a black thumb and know nothing about plants, except how to kill them. Months go by, nothing. I ask occasionally, she says "Oh yeah, I'll do that." She doesn't. I start to remind her regularly. Finally it gets to be planting season in MN, and she still hasn't done it. She only does it when I say "I need this info by tomorrow, if not, fine, I can do it myself, but I need to know if I need to do that." Finally she gives me the info, and the only reason it's not too late is that MN decided to stay a frozen tundra longer than usual.
Thing 2: I told my bridesmaids in January that they could pick out their own dresses as long as it was in a certain spectrum of blue (not super strict about that though), that they not wear something slutty (not really a problem, but better safe than sorry), and that they send me pictures of their dresses so I can give it my seal of approval. Jane says right away that she has two dresses that might work, I say great, send me pictures.
She waits until May to even show me her dresses, and both of them are terrible and neither are at all appropriate for a wedding, especially not as a bridesmaid. This is exactly like what she's wearing [1] , only it's from Gap, not Old Navy. Never mind that she doesn't even look very good in it, but WTF. I decide to let that one go because I DID say "pick your own," and she's always worried about money and I didn't want to hurt her feelings or tell her she needs to spend money on a dress. But I am very hurt that she literally pulled a crappy dress from her t-shirt drawer to wear at my wedding, when she knows that my other ladies are getting dresses from Modcloth, Nordstrom and Little Borrowed Dress.
Thing 3: She offered to help my other BM, Kate, plan my bachelorette party. I made it clear that it was absolutely not required to have a party, but should they choose to throw one, I wanted to do zero planning because I'm planning a destination wedding and a reception for local friends and family. Of course she does nothing to help Kate, who is helpful beyond belief, despite the fact that she's in med school, and literally started year three yesterday.
She makes a few suggestions, but her suggestions seem to be more focused on making it easier/cheaper for her to attend, than for me to have a nice time. (Her suggestions: "Let's all have a sleepover on the floor of my apartment" -- she lives in Boston, three of us are in CT, two in NY. Also she lives with 4 other people and their house is disgusting; and "I'll make brunch instead of going out" -- she's a terrible cook and has never cooked for a group before (that I know of).)
Because of this I have ended up helping Kate plan large chunks of my bachelorette, which Kate feels bad about (but I said that I would feel super bad if she planned it on her own while in med school).
Thing 4: I was planning on driving to MN early, for the wedding, and asked Jane over a year ago if she would like to come with me since I went on a moving related road trip with her before and it was pretty fun.* The only caveat was that she needed to learn how to drive stick shift since that's what my car is. I also thought it would be nice to ask her since she's always concerned about money, and this way all she'd have to pay for is her share of lodging for the wedding. (We gave her and some other friends money to help with travel, and I believe the money we gave her fully covers her flight back.) She agreed. Fast forward to about two months ago -- she still has never learned stickshift. Keep in mind her boyfriend, who she lives with, has a stickshift car. I start getting nervous and start reminding her.
*Fun, but also I paid for half the trip and my plane ticket home and she never paid me back, which at the time I was willing to shrug off, but now...
Also, since Feb. she has gone through several jobs, and keeps saying she's not sure she'll be able to get time off, despite the fact that she knew when she agreed to drive with me she'd probably have a new job. I start reminding her weekly about learning stick and getting time off. Finally last week she says she has gotten the time off, which is great, but she still hasn't learned stick. My fiancé and mom say to give her a deadline and if she doesn't meet it, make other plans.
I call her yesterday, to say she has a week (we're literally leaving a week from today), and she starts making excuses about how busy she is. What she's busy with, I have no idea, she's definitely much less busy than any of my other bridesmaids. The conversation gets kind of awkward, because I have to bring up that I'm stressed out, and basically think she's going to flake out, which I didn't want to have to do. She says she will "get on it." Last night she calls back to let me know that she has a new job, which is great, but that she won't be able to take time off to drive with me, but still plans on coming.
At this point I fully expect her to flake out and just not come to the wedding, which would make me happier. All of these things are bad, but the reason the last one is so bad, is because her flaking out looks like it's going to cost me either my honeymoon, or at least $1000.
The problem, is that my FH and I need a car to drive back to CT, because we were going to take a road trip mini-honeymoon. Here are the options as I see them:
1. I drive out alone. It gives me a little more time, but it also means I have to close my business (sole owner) for longer. Also the thought of driving cross country alone makes me nervous for all the obvious reasons.
2. Fly out, Rent a car. This looks like it will cost us a minimum of $900, because we will be returning the car in a different state.
3. Fly out, buy a used car. My FH and I are looking to move, so at some point I WILL need a car, but we're also trying to buy land right now, so we kind of need that money for the land.
4. My FH drives out in our car. He is more pro this option, but if he wants to do it without taking more time off (he's already past his limit) he will have to drive for 24 hours straight without stopping if he wants to arrive more than 24 hours before the wedding. Also it burns a plane ticket.
5. Forget the road trip, everyone flys. Since there are no plane tickets to Mexico or anything involved, I will be able to get most of the money back, but there goes the honeymoon.
What should I do? How do I even discuss this with Jane, who appears to be completely oblivious to all of this? I want to say something because if I continue to hold it in, it will just eat away with me, but I don't want to deal with a ton of drama either. I just really need a different perspective.
Sincerely,
Miss Scarlet, in the Library, with the Tastefully Arranged Centerpieces
*****
You knew she wouldn't be good at helping with stuff, AND NOW YOU ARE MAD AT HER FOR NOT HELPING WITH STUFF.
Also: Girlfriend is clearly broke. Like, reeeeeeeeeally broke. She's gone through several jobs since February, she has no doubt been sitting on her couch wallowing (wearing crappy Gap clothes she's had since high school), and how is her relationship with that boyfriend (who very likely doesn't want to let her drive his car)? Have you even asked?? Maybe you should open your discussion with an apology for being self-centered.
#3. Suck it up and rent a car. Canceling your honeymoon because you are furious with your bridesmaid is what we in the business call
cutting off your nose to spite your face.
PISS (off) by Ellen Jong via Emmas Designblogg
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