Dear ESB,
I'm a new reader to your blog and I appreciate your sage and brutally honest advice. I'm having a hard time with this one, so I figured I'd give this a shot:
My younger sister rushed into her wedding back in December 2012. The guy she married is a young, has-a-temper, soon-to-be-career-military guy, and their impetus to wed was likely due to his future relocation to the West coast. My sister did most of the planning in secret, didn't involve our family which was quite hurtful, and was generally a defensive ball of fire the months before her wedding. My Mom and I asked if she was really sure this was the guy she wanted to be with, which my sister of course told him about this, and he proceeds to berate my Mom with text messages in the middle of the night (real stand-up guy). Needless to say, he's not well-liked among my family, and we're not well-liked by his. Her ceremony was held at a chapel on an army base, and her reception in a hotel basement ballroom.
The week before her wedding, I get a text message from my sister that says her fiance is wary of having me at the wedding and that I need to call him to smooth things over. I told my sister that I didn't particularly want to speak with someone who has a clear anger management problem, and if needed to speak with me so badly, he could come to me himself. I come to find out that he's already called the army base security to let them know that I was to be arrested on sight. Not wanting to be arrested on a military base, I was essentially being told I couldn't attend my sister's wedding. My sister, unable or unwilling to convince him to change his mind, couldn't do much, so I stayed at the hotel to catch up on my wine drinking while the rest of my family went to the chapel. Since my parents financed most of the reception, I was allowed to attend that, although my sister didn't speak with me the entire night. Nor for months after that, despite calling, texting, and emailing. My sister and I are still trying to patch up our relationship, months later.
My fiance and I waited to get engaged until her wedding was over to avoid claims of spotlight-stealing. Now that we're planning our wedding, we've come to that sticky point on our guest list. We want to invite my sister, but I don't particularly want to have her husband attend our wedding. My fiance seems to think our wedding would be a great way to extend the olive branch; I think its a horrible idea and think its a waste of money for him to bad-mouth me and my family, get super-drunk, and pick fights with people. How do we resolve this? And how can I invite my sister without him showing up?
Thanks for any advice you can provide. I'd appreciate it.
*****
EXTEND THE DAMN OLIVE BRANCH.
Be the bigger person.
Turn the other cheek.
&c.
Your sister is married to this guy. You can't just not invite him to family functions for the next 50 years.
AVA SMITH BY ALEXANDER NEUMANN FOR FLAUNT #127 via Visual Optimism
Even though it's not your favorite option, you have to invite him. Maybe it can lead to a fresh start.
ReplyDeleteI know you want us to tell you to not invite him, but you absolutely need to. What you also should do is have some awesome other family members or good family friends assigned to be defence/backup etc in case this guy does do anything ridiculous, cuz there's always a chance for that. You know, call the cops, escort him from the building... that sorta thing.
ReplyDeleteNo brainer.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't even count as "extending the olive branch." This is merely maintaining status quo.
Invite him. Sadly, the only real option if you want to continue patching things with your sister. Maybe/hopefully she'll see him in a different light if acts out at the wedding.
ReplyDeleteExtend the olive branch and then pray he doesn't show...? i did that with my asshole brother and his asshat wife... but they showed up. and surprisingly were very well behaved. in fact, i don't even really remember seeing them, except for one obligatory family photo. i dont know if they went around offending anyone else, but they stayed out of my way. hopefully your sister's husband will do the same.
ReplyDeletebut yeah, esb is right, you can't just not invite him to every family event for the rest of your life. as much as i hate my brother and his wife, i'm bound to see them at least once a year. sucks. but it is what it is. smile, say hello, play nice, and go back to ignoring him.
Invite him....but maybe have some kind of back up plan in case he gets rowdy? Do you have a cop in the family or something? That way, in the worst case scenario, someone can just get rid of him without you having to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think either hire security that can throw him out, or talk to a intimidating looking uncle/brother ahead of time. Make sure they know which guest you are worried about, and tell them to get rid of the guy if he causes trouble.
DeleteOh man, this is heartbreaking. I'm sorry, letter writer. I'd love to say you should tell this guy to eff off, but the truth is if you want to try and patch things up with your sister, you need to invite him. It's the only option. And, as others have said, assign someone to be his personal bouncer.
ReplyDeleteThere's also a great thread in the archives about when someone you love is in an abusive relationship that you might want to check out b/c this guy sounds like a monster. Good luck.
Yes. My first reaction to this was, "Oh, man, abusive relationship." I think you should do everything in the world you can to stay close to your sister, and that means inviting the guy to the wedding and including both of them as much as possible in your family. The worst thing in the world would be for her to think, "Well, if they don't want him, they won't get me." I really don't think you want her isolating herself right now.
DeleteYeah, you have to invite him. Don't isolate your sister. It sounds to me like she's really going to need you at some point coming up. It's not a waste of money to show her that you love her unconditionally, douchebag husband or no. Plus you're modeling how families should behave. Don't drop down to his level. (I can see why want to, though! He sounds awful.)
Deleteit would be great if you could 'not invite him because he didn't invite you'... but in reality if you excluded him your sister probably wouldn't show anyway, so really you need to invite them both.
ReplyDeletechances are he won't come, considering he was willing to have you arrested if you came to his!
I went through something similar. There is nothing you can do except invite him. If you don't, he'll never let you live it down, saying for the rest of his life, "See, I was right, she's a horrible person!" Don't give him the ability to do that. And you won't even notice him on your wedding day, you'll be so happy about everything else!
ReplyDeleteJust gonna say that you shouldn't invite him and hope he doesn't show up. Cause I do that ALL THE TIME and it never works. They always show up!
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I wouldn't hold out for: being the bigger person and hoping your sister sees the flaws in her husband. I'm always secretly rooting for that and it never happens either.
What you've got to do is find a way that makes him bearable for short amounts of time. Whether that's not talking to him, or just waving from across the room, or learning how to crack a joke at his expense. Cause sibling's partners can be a tricky situation and if you want a relationship with your sister you're going to learn how to find some middle ground.
On the other hand, if you're still raging pissed and want to keep fighting and want to be unhealthily vengeful? Don't invite him and call the cops on that stupid prick! But don't think that going on a hate rage isn't going to affect your sister too.
Be the bigger person. Invite him.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, he makes a scene, have someone on hand to escort him off the premises.
*if he makes a scene...
DeleteInvite him, and know you took the higher road in this situation, unlike what the (probably not so) little shithead did during his wedding. And yes, if he makes a scene or makes it not about you... throw him out. Because if your sister gets upset you can point to the fact that you gave him a chance and included him, and this is what happened.
ReplyDeleteYou simply can't fight crazy with crazy.
ReplyDeleteI like the part of the story where you list career military as one of his character flaws.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't a character flaw but it definitely adds a more menacing and threatening aspect to an already existing anger problem -- He has access to guns, a bunch of military like buddies that are more loyal than normal friends, the physical strength.
DeleteIt also shows a more authoritarian and possibly traditional sort of personality.
I didn't read it as a flaw or like Anonymous did so much as I saw it as kind of unique and isolating--the kind of job that might keep the sister moving around and away from the family.
DeleteAnd, yes, invite him. Give your sister support even when it's hard like this.
Anon - OH GOD. Yes, definitely don't invite the trained killer to a wedding.
DeleteHillary - I appreciate your sensible point of view. It can totally be isolating, and maybe that's why she wanted to be married to him before she moved/faced a future of following his career.
Clearly you invite him. He's family now.
Sorry, have to correct Anon on the "threatening" military...
DeleteOne, if a soldier is caught with military assigned firearms off duty/off base that comes with a HUGE penalty. As in, lose your job, get serious jail time. Did you know that even if you live on base no personal firearms are allowed in your home? You have to check them into a base armory.
Two, have you heard of "too fat to fight"? It's an issue. And while OP's brother-in-law may not fall under that category, the number of obese active duty soldiers has doubled since 2003. So who knows, he could be an overweight, angry man.
I don't deny that military jobs can cause emotional stress and abuse with serious effects on loved ones. In which case, a deeper discussion should take place between these sisters and the couple.
In the end, I agree with Stef and Hilary on the relocation aspect and inviting him. Stepping off the soap box now.
You speak the truth! This is the perfect opportunity for the olive branch. Prepare yourself for him to be a challenge but know that you're being the bigger person. Kill 'em with kindness, right?
ReplyDeleteKate
www.thrillofthechaise.com
wwww.youdon'tneedtopostyourwebsitetwice.com
Deleteabsolutely invite. i'd suggest showing a picture to the bartenders so that he doesnt get over-served. for reals.
ReplyDeletethen once he gets there you can politely ignore, as if he were an aunts friend or something - just nice enough that you "win" but not enough that you remember him being there. it will mean a lot to your sister, who obviously married a loon.
You say you're trying to patch things up with your sister. Want to see those efforts crash and burn? Try not inviting her husband to your wedding.
ReplyDeleteYou have an opportunity to do the generous, open-hearted thing that demonstrates your love for your sister and how much you want to rebuild your relationship. Acting out of spite won't make anything better, and you'll probably feel like shit about it later.
I think the best thing to do is not drive yourself nuts trying to accommodate insanity. Be perfectly straight with them, because that is what will be best for YOU and your loved ones.
ReplyDeleteJust say it to them: she is your sister and must be there for you to feel the day is complete, it seems, and he is her husband, he is your brother by marriage, and thus "needs" to be there, too, if only for the sake of your sister. And then say, "I know we've had difficulties in the past, but for my wedding day I hope we can put those aside. But if they are not put aside for any reason, or you cause me or my loved ones emotional pain with words, teasing, or scenes, it will not be tolerated, and you will be forced to leave."
You could even write it in an email to both of them, so your words cannot be twisted. That will also provide proof of what the conversation around it was for family, with a simple forward. Be as clear and kind to both of them as possible, since email tone can be interpreted as negative easily.