I am in a bit of a planning quandary.
Here goes: My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years, and we finally got engaged on March 1st (yay!). We would like to get married September/October 2014, so of course planning should start fairly soon. My future mother in law has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for almost 3 1/2 years. We have gone through the various ups and downs, "She's going to die in 3 months," "She's almost in full remission," "we need a stronger chemo," "she's doing great," "The tumors are spreading," etc. etc.
Currently, she is on the last available option (a pill she takes 4x/day) for her condition, which means it's a waiting game. She is feeling and looking a lot better than she has in the past, and we are trying to take advantage of her not being sick from chemo all the time.
She has inquired about wedding plans and would like to start helping, but to be honest, I am reticent to plan anything because her health could plummet very soon. I also would hate to bug my FH with stupid questions about flowers or the guest list when he is about to lose his mother. I just can't imagine planning such a big event and the both of us having to deal with the loss of a mother at the same time. I thought about maybe waiting until she goes, but that feels strange, and it makes me feel like an asshole for even typing it.
Is it better to spend time and plan as much I can with her, then just figure out how to maneuver the bizarre stages of grieving/wedding to-do list when that time comes? What if she passes away right before the wedding? Am I being selfish?
I'm driving myself crazy constantly living in the future world of "what ifs," but I want to be respectful of my future husband and his mother.
What should I do?
*****
I say go ahead and start planning the wedding.
Your FMIL could die tomorrow or she could live for five more years. You can't put your life on hold, and she wouldn't *want you* to put your life on hold. In fact, what she really wants is to help you plan this thing.
Just be willing to be flexible. (And don't beat yourself up for having the occasional assholic thought.)
xoXX
Ten variations about planking after Freud by Aníbal Vallejo via The Jealous Curator
Right around the time I got engaged, my FMIL started treatment for breast cancer. It was a nasty year of chemo affecting an autoimmune illness she already has, her being so sick she was hospitalized numerous times, getting a mastectomy, fears it was genetic and that my FH was a carrier, and so on.
ReplyDeleteI was also hesitant to be doing too much wedding planning because it seemed shallow and not the moment to be doing it, but she said that hearing about exciting plans for the future and the things we wanted to do with our venue space helped keep her mind busy and not feel like everything in her life was about being sick. I have a feeling your FMIL is feeling something similar. She sounds like she's nearing the end of a long battle with cancer, and she may want something good and happy to think about.
It's all super shitty and hard, but I think you need to go on with planning and be there as best as you can for your FH and FMIL. Your FH may also want to plan to keep his mind off of the thought of losing his mother. And if she's present for the planning, but (god forbid) she doesn't make it to the wedding date, she was a part of the wedding in some way and you all get that moment with her.
I'm sorry this is such a long response, but I feel for you and your FH's family a lot. It's rough.
I had a cousin in this very situation. His father passed away shortly before the wedding, so they postponed it to have time to mourn. When the wedding happened a year later, it was a beautiful celebration of the couple and their love while still honoring his great dad and the amazing legacy he left.
ReplyDeleteYou should have an honest conversation with your future MIL and figure out what she wants and is comfortable with. And then trust her - she knows best about herself, you don't need to decide for her what she "really" wants. If she wants to go ahead, do it!
I planned my wedding while my mum was living with Stage 4 breast cancer (she is now in a similar position to your fiancé's mother), and my best advice to you is to go ahead with the planning. The circumstances are unbearably sad, and the whole day had a poignancy that it maybe wouldn't have otherwise had, but I'm so grateful to have had my mum there at our wedding and to have planned it with her. It was a happy day, and cancer gives you damn few of those, so I would urge you to grab it with both hands. Plus it gave us photographs of my mum that we will cherish as long as we live.
ReplyDeleteWithout wishing to be a self-promoting ass, I wrote a little bit about it here - I don't know if it will help you or not, but it's there if you want to read it.
Whatever you decide, huge hugs to you and yours. It's a shitty situation, and we just have to live through it as best we can.
That is a beautiful essay, thank you for sharing :)
DeleteI would say to definitely plan, and if she wants to help, then include her - she'd probably love a good distraction and if the worst happens and she isn't around for the wedding then at least she'll have been able to help.
ReplyDeleteYeah I agree that you should definitely plan....but also you could plan for a wedding much sooner than that, if it would mean that she would be much more likely to be there...
ReplyDeleteAm I crazy to think that you're kinda being an asshat for wanting an 18-month engagement (for no particularly good reason as far as I can tell) when you could just as easily have a 6-12 month engagement to which the FMIL probably has better odds of attending? No one actually NEEDS a year and a half to plan a wedding.
ReplyDeleteI agree. How about planning a smaller affair sooner so that she could attend? Why the hell not?
Deletewas wondering the same thing. I'd scoot that wedding date up in a heartbeat.
DeleteDitto. I don't think you HAVE to start planning if you aren't getting married for another 15 months. If you want to start now, and you want your FMIL involved, maybe think about alternative dates.
DeleteMaybe they need that time to save up for the wedding.
DeleteI thought the same thing ... though, Vanessa has a good point.
DeleteI mean everyone has a WEDDING for different reasons -- some folks like the party, some folks want the attention, etc ... BUT doesn't everyone like the idea of spending the day with those they love most ? if i were you, i'd get on the stick and plan it for this fall.
full disclosure -- I ELOPED ! HA.
Hello all, Thank you for the wonderful and heartfelt responses. To clear up some questions: FH and I were actually going to get married around the time she was diagnosed (3.5 years ago)...things were BAD and no one thought she was going to make it. We decided against it, because my FH didn't want his mother's death to dictate when we got engaged/married. We felt our rushed courthouse wedding (which neither of us wanted) would always have a sad memory over its head. Then about 1 year ago, we got the "shit's going down hill fast" speech from her doc and I asked him again if he wanted to do something (even just engagement) before things got worse. Once again, he was adamant about having a wedding just because a funeral was (possibly) in sight.
DeleteAs for waiting so long before getting married. There are several reasons, we want to have a fairly large wedding (150-175) in Los Angeles. We have family all over the US and I really wanted to enjoy our engagement before we start planning the party of the century.....
And also....budget is a big one....my parent's gave us some $, but we are still looking into other generous donations from family members....but then again, FH doesn't really have a true understanding of how much weddings cost, so he might look at the books and decide we should do something smaller....
DeleteIs it necessary to judge and call anyone an asshat, when you don't actually yet know what the situation is, Lisa?
DeleteSo yeah. I'd call you crazy.
I'd also say go ahead with the planning. My FH's mom died two months before his brother and now sis-in-law were married, and I know from what they've told me that it was a VERY hard time, but having her involved with much of the planning and advice giving gave her hope and like others have said something positive to focus on.
ReplyDeleteThe other part was, the weeks following her death and leading up to the wedding gave something positive for everyone to focus on and occupy themselves with while still grieving.
The only other suggestion I would make is not waiting over a year to have the wedding. I would move heaven and earth if it meant I could have my FH's mom physically at our wedding. If she were still alive and battling the cancer she had I wouldn't be waiting, even if it meant a smaller, simpler wedding.
Gonna agree with the crowd here- if you put happy things on hold to deal with sad things then all there is is sadness. It sounds like you guys could all use a nice reminder that life has losses but it also has really beautiful gains and that's what a wedding is. And don't beat yourself up too much about the shitty thoughts- you're going through a rough situation and moments of weakness go with the territory and are totally human.
ReplyDeleteRead this. And then go plan your wedding. I also think 6-12 month engagement seems much more preferable than 18 months. Hell, if it were me I'd probably try to plan this thing in 3 months, so that she could be there.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you posted that link - I was about to spend a half hour searching for it.
DeleteFirst, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it really brought me back to about a year ago: my mother was diagnosed with lung and ovarian cancer right after my husband and I got engaged. Because her condition was severe we took three months to plan a wonderful but small wedding so that she could be there, upright. My mom passed away a few months ago and before she went, she expressed how happy she was that all of her children were settled in their lives and that she was able to be a part of our moment. plan a smaller wedding, quickly. Even if she doesn't pass, you want her to be able to attend in semi-decent health. She probably wants to see her son get married, it would comfort her, I am sure.
ReplyDeleteIf its ok for the OP to go ahead and plan her wedding now while her future MIL is sick, I don't know why its then selfish for her to plan the wedding she wants, i.e. one in 18 months.
ReplyDeleteIt's great if others would get married immediately in order to ensure the MIL be there. But I don't think it means anything negative that this bride is still gonna have her wedding, her way. It certainly doesn't sound like the MIL is asking them to move it up so why would strangers here on the internet?
Ignore the Judgy McJudgersteins here OP and do it your own way. Nothing says you have to give up the wedding you want because your future MIL is sick. In fact that doesn't even make sense if you think about it. It's not selfish to not be sick.
First off, so sorry that you, your FH, and your families are dealing with this—I know it's not easy. My MIL has also had stage 4 cancer for years, which inspired us to plan our wedding quickly. Within three months of getting engaged, we were hitched. We were very grateful that she could celebrate with us, and planning a wedding quickly was actually fabulous: we didn't have time to obsess over tiny decisions; friends pitched in; everyone who really mattered was able to make the trip; and we ended up pretty much having the party of our dreams. (All while coming in underbudget.) A couple years later, my MIL is still on chemo and, happily, still with us. But we wouldn't have done anything differently.
ReplyDeleteSpeed may not be the answer for you—and even if you rush things, you may not rush them enough; as you know, cancer be unpredictable. But at the very least, I'd encourage you not to worry quietly about this on your own. Talk frankly with your FH and your families, if you haven't already, about the timing of your wedding and the priorities you have for it.
whoops: cancer *can* be unpredictable, I meant.
DeleteI second this with all my heart. Great advice.
DeleteAt their best weddings are brilliant, happy, positive family events; it sounds like your (future) family could use a positive focus right now and your wedding is that thing. In the long run making his family happy will make for a much better marriage than having the perfectly perfect wedding.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your husband and his mother about what they do/don't want to be involved with, try to think of some tasks they can do together. Figure out which bits you NEED his input on (like guest list) and try to do as many of the bits of planning your husband's not that into (be it decorations, flowers, music, food - whatever he doesn't feel strongly about) without involving him more than he wants to be involved (rope in your friends and family) - try to give him time to deal with so many changes in his life.
Take it day by day and be flexible; worst case scenario (on the wedding front) is that you have to cancel the wedding due to his mother taking a turn for the worse at the wrong time - accept now that that's a possibility and that it's not the end of the world (and maybe buy insurance).
Having the experience of positivity in the midst of all the pain is exactly what you, she, and your fiance need right now. Include her as much as you can! Even if she's not physically able to participate, enthusiastically share photos, ideas, whatever you're working on with her. She will enjoy being included...no one with cancer likes being the "sick person". You get sick (pardon the unintentional pun) of that treatment pretty quickly, but not many people know how to deal with terminal illness...there is so much guilt in 'acting normal'. When my best friend was going through complications with brain cancer, all she wanted were normal days like we used to have. During her remission, silly wedding projects like thrifting for cake plates together made me feel guilty, for some reason, but it was obvious the normalcy was a great distraction to her and just plain enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI would try to move your date up a little, though...my friend went through a spell of appearing to be on the mend, but I had this nagging sensation that we needed to expedite our wedding date. My grandma is also really old (96) and I was somehow convinced we'd lose her before the year was through. It turned out my friend was past the point of no return, and she passed 6 months before our wedding. I'm not trying to be ominous, but if you can do it, try for a cheaper wedding in a shorter amount of time. You can't plan for tomorrow, but you can at least give it a fair shot.
I can't get over how amazing these responses are. ESB readers are the best, thank you all for sharing your stories and advice. I had a sneaking suspicion I wasn't the only person in the world dealing with this....I'll keep you all updated, but maybe next time I'll just write in with a dress question. xoxo C
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're not getting the answer you wanted? Were hoping for more controversy? ...What exactly was the answer you were hoping for if you're saying: "next time I'll just write in with a dress question."
DeleteWow Anonymous, that's not how I read this at all. I read it as she really was appreciative of these responses and is just hoping that next time she needs advice, it will be on a happier topic. I hope that too, Unknown.
DeleteIt's not that I didn't get the answer I wanted, and I certainly wasn't hoping for more controversy, why the hell would I want to add anymore stress to this situation? I was trying put a slightly happier cap on a kind of depressing thread, I appreciate everyone sharing their very personal stories about health and family matters. There are big decisions that my FH and I are faced with, I'm not going to finish reading and say "Oh, great I've totally decided what I'm going to do!" It has been incredibly helpful to get several outside opinions on this matter, and I did, and I am thankful for that.
Delete@Anon 5:42: Whaaaaaaat?? Take a goddamn chill pill. And a reading comprehension class.
DeleteBest of luck, OP, with what is a difficult situation.
I think Anon 5:42 meant more controversy in the responses on here...not in her familial life...there's enough things going on there.
DeleteGet married, enjoy your FMIL.
My dad recently passed away in December after battling cancer for a year and a half. My dude and I waited to get engaged until a few months after my dad passed. His reasoning was that he didn't want our engagement marred by my dad dying. While I understood where he was coming from, I still wish my father had passed away knowing that he got to share that moment with us. So, I would say that if your FMIL can be apart of your wedding in any way, then involve her. You can't begin to imagine how you will feel or cope when your parent passes no matter how much time you have to prepare. Not having my dad at my wedding will fucking suck, I'm not going to lie, but I can't do anything about it. Sometimes you just have to roll with it and know it will get better whichever way it turns out. Go forth and build new memories with your guy because he's going to need you more than anything.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone else is spot on with their advice except for one aspect -- suggesting the OP plan the wedding in less time and not wait the 18 months.
ReplyDeleteI think 18 months is TOTALLY reasonable to wait to plan a wedding. 1) It's really fun to be engaged. Luxuriate in it. 2) With 18 months you can take a slower less stressed or rushed approach to planning. 3) It gives more time for saving. or 4) It's worth it to wait for a specific season or date that you'd prefer.
Do you NEED 18 months? Nah. But it isn't like 18 months is TOO LONG or unreasonable.
Hopefully in such a hard family time the wedding planning can be a nice break from reality. This might sound silly but when unhappy or worried or stressed things like flowers, cake, pretty dresses and music, can cheer people up.
Normally 18 months is not an unreasonable amount of time to wait I agree, but the OP has already put getting married on hold several times because of FMIL's cancer, to me it seems like just do it already, quit coming up with another reason to delay it.
DeleteI'm glad the OP came back to update us on a few things, and even knowing more details about the situation, I have the same opinion. When your choices are 1. plan a wedding around (what I assume to be) the most important people in the couple's life so they can share in the day, or 2. choose to risk the FMIL not being there because they want a bigger/more expensive event... yea. I think she's being an asshat.
ReplyDeleteAND TO CLARIFY. I have no idea if she's an asshat in general (it sounds like she's a decent person who's put a lot of thought into this decision) but I do think she's being a bit selfish in this specific situation. (Which, her special day, I suppose.)
What about the part where she said that her fiancé was adamant about not wanting to plan their wedding around his mom's funeral? Is he not allowed to make that choice? She asked him if he wanted to speed things up, and he said no. To me, it's his mom, his choice. My mom has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and hasn't been given very long to live, but I try to keep as many things normal as possible. Granted, I quit my job for a year to be with her, but we try to fixate on everyday things, not her condition. Right now, we're all sitting together watching HGTV. Seems silly, but it's what works for us. Yes, if I were engaged, I'd probably have a fast engagement, but if that's not what her FH wants, that should be his choice to make.
DeleteLauren is right on the money... Her thoughts are also a good reminder that there's no "one size fits all" category for "family", for the different people within one, or for how people handle the throes of life.
DeleteThank you Lauren and Anonymous 8:34 for your comments.
DeleteFor the record, I'm not an asshat, I didn't want to start any controversy (that comment still BLOWS my mind), I have been nothing but attentive to my FH's wishes in this matter. And maybe I shouldn't be writing in for advice on someone else's mother, because if it were my mother, things would be done differently, But it's not. FH and his mother have a complicated relationship, just because she may not be at our wedding doesn't mean that the time we are spending with her now isn't meaningful.
When I originally wrote in, my bottom line fear was being caught between a wedding and funeral. I don't know anyone who has had to deal with that, now I have some stories to reflect on that will guide me through the process. If that's where we end up, then so be it.
There is a lot of information I had to leave out, I thought my question could be answered without delving into heavy family drama, and I certainly won't go into that here, but I essentially have my concern addressed and for those that helped me with that, thank you.
OP, you are responding to the stupider comments in this thread with such grace that I am confident that whatever decision you make will be the right one. Good luck.
DeleteMy heart goes out to you guys. I don't talk about this, but my dad was diagnosed with cancer a couple weeks after we got engaged and it was gut wrenching. We discussed moving the wedding up and getting married in one month. We discussed putting it off. But it was clear that my dad wanted to plan on attending a full wedding, with all our family there and so we went ahead with it. We were really lucky and he was there and it was amazing. (And he's still hanging on two years later, even though our original estimate was 6 months, so you know, cancer - hard to predict)
ReplyDeleteIt feels shitty to plan something so happy when you're dealing with something so unbearable, BUT there are advantages. a. Something nice for everyone to discuss and get excited about. b. Huge perspective on wedding planning. I got much less stressed about wedding details because um, other things were more important. I was still excited about the wedding, but it was complex.
Huge hugs. You'll get through this, however things shake out, as long as you support each other.
P.S. - I had to track this one down for you - another post you should definitely read. Caitlin is thoughtful and brilliant and they had a wedding one week after her MIL passed away.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing!! Thank you for sharing <3
DeleteI want to add a voice in support of the 18 month engagement. We also had to plan a wedding around a sickness, that in our case led to a death that came faster than expected, and the long engagement was very helpful. We had to be a family that learned what it meant to have a sick and weak member of our immediate family, what he was capable of doing and what accommodations he would need. That meant that a few of our wedding ideas got nixed. A lobster bake wedding with a ferry to an island? Not a good idea in the event he might need to be rushed to the hospital. Same for a few other ideas.
ReplyDeleteWe also had to learn how to emotionally deal with his sickness, how to acknowledge it and how to normalize it and then when to make those choices.
Then he died. And it was awful, and yes, I wish he could have been there. Just as I wish he was here for my niece's birthday this weekend and a thousand other things. But the crappy reality of sickness and death is that you can't guarantee the one you love will be with you for everything. And the wedding was one more day he was in our hearts but not physically present.
Having the wedding ahead of us gave everyone something happy to look forward to when they needed that shining spot of light as we pictured our lives and future without him and that all felt dark and awful and we couldn't imagine life moving forward. We had a distinct milestone and then a celebration of life moving forward, with him in our thoughts.
So, it is lovely for those that had fast weddings and got to celebrate with everyone in their immediate circle. But it is also ok, and can be quite lovely, to have a longer engagement in these circumstances as well.
OP - you are not an asshat. I'm so sorry you have to work through this and be the pillar of strength. It can give you a great foundation in working through the truly tough times with your fiancé, may that give you a solid start to your marriage.
I thought I wanted a long engagement so I could get my head around the idea of getting married and so I could plan. We thought we'd get married a week from now but we got married almost a year ago now. We did this because my dad had a very serious, Stage IV cancer like your FMIL. So we went from planning a wedding well over a year in advance to changing everything it to three months ahead -- even still there was a worry that maybe my dad wouldn't make it. I am so grateful we changed our mind about this. It gave all of us something to celebrate and look forward to and perhaps my dad held on longer as a result. I couldn't imagine getting married without my dad, and not having my husband's support as a husband, as family during my dad's death and in the time since my dad died. When my dad was dying, in those last moments, it was something we actually spoke about as a family, "Remember the wedding? Remember all the good times we've had in this time." If it makes sense for you two as a couple you might consider getting married when your whole family can be together. But really you have to do what's right for you. This is what made sense to us.
ReplyDelete