dear esb,
I've been reading your blog for months and I'm psyched to request some advice. I'm getting married in LA this summer and we haven't figured out the "rehearsal dinner" situation yet. questions:
1. what is your (and the evil bride club's) opinion on who should be invited to a rehearsal dinner? I have heard that the rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and anyone who travelled for the wedding. Because I just moved to LA recently, most of my guests are traveling for this thing. I feel a desire to feed anyone who had to get on a plane to attend. If we were to invite anyone who travelled and only excluded in-town people, we'd be excluding a rather small percentage of the invitees. However, it would be almost like paying for a second reception to invite all the guests to a welcome dinner.
2. any thoughts on where to do a casual dinner for 75-100ish people (the final number depends on what we decide about question #1)? I looked at this article and it was very helpful, but i'd love to put the question out there again in case the keyword "casual" sparks other ideas. we would have been happy to throw a backyard BBQ, if we or anyone we knew had a yard.
thanks for everything you do... has been greatly helpful to a nuptially challenged/irreverent/nontraditional bride-2B. xo
*****
INVITE EVERYONE
Have a picnic on the beach. That's what we did.
Image courtesy of Toast
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p.s. You've got until the end of the day to win yourself $500 worth of Loeffler Randall. We have not been inundated with entries (ESB readers are too cool for this shit? either that or I'm too cool to properly promote a contest) so you've got a pretty good shot....
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p.s. You've got until the end of the day to win yourself $500 worth of Loeffler Randall. We have not been inundated with entries (ESB readers are too cool for this shit? either that or I'm too cool to properly promote a contest) so you've got a pretty good shot....
Meh, I disagree. We were in the same boat. 90% of our guests were from out of town. We had our rehearsal dinner for our wedding party, then let everyone know where we'd be (hotel bar!) afterwards so we could visit with everyone. It worked out perfectly.
ReplyDeletei disagree as well; if you want to have another party for everyone, have another party for everyone, but it won't have the feel of a rehearsal dinner.
ReplyDeleteas for a picnic on the beach, that sounds fantastic, but note that public beaches can be persnickety about large gatherings and downright draconian about things like booze; you're going to need to hook up with someone who has access to private beachfront or, like, purchase brown paper bags in bulk if you want to serve alcohol.
don't feel obligated to host everyone the day before your wedding, it's a rehearsal not another reception. They are all adults and I'm sure they can find ways to keep themselves occupied in LA. Keep it to just the bridal party/immediate family, and give everyone else some tips on good spots to check out.
ReplyDeletetrust me, guests flying in won't expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner!
Yep, guests will have plenty to do in LA the night before the wedding. Have dinner with your wedding party and family -- and I second the idea of inviting everyone to join you at a bar later if you feel so inclined.
ReplyDeleteI DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE
ReplyDeletei totally hear you on wanting to feed everyone who was on a plane all day to come to your wedding. we did invite all our guests to our rehearsal dinner, and they all appreciated it so much and it was a great time. i am not from LA, but what about a completely casual mexican joint/tacos/beers kind of situation, somewhere with a nice patio? or what if you invited everyone to a park/beach and hired a taco truck?
ReplyDeleteTHIS.
Deleteusing T's state park link below. bam.
For me, it was less about feeding all the travelers (though that was a part of it) and more about a big meet and greet so that the wedding day would be that much more fun for our guests. All the people who didn't know each other but we knew would hit it off ended up sitting together at our late afternoon informal rehearsal dinner. We did the old school Italian joint version with anti pasti, pizza, and bocce.
DeleteIf you can handle one more evening of planned events, two nights before our wedding we had a family only rehearsal dinner so that we could all have some time to chat with out the pressure of playing out our various roles on the wedding day. It was the best of both worlds and worked really well for us.
@Anon EXACTLY. get all the dumb small talk out of the way. day of the wedding everyone is already friends.
DeleteYep, exactly how it worked out for me!
DeleteI don't know if it helps but we did a rehearsal and rehearsal lunch with just our bridal party. Everybody else came over to in laws later for a casual dinner. You could just skip the rehearsal dinner altogether as well. I'd think nothing of being an out of town guest and not seeing the bride and groom until the wedding.
ReplyDeleteBe selfish and do whatever will make you happiest. Not enough (or any) people tell brides that anymore and its bs. It's your wedding - do what YOU want and trust everyone else will 1. not care or 2. care but will get over it.
Ohhhh I love the idea of a lunch get together the day before the wedding rather than a big rehearsal dinner. Maybe meeting at a bar that night too.
DeleteI'm trying to plan a rehearsal dinner right now and it just seems like a smaller wedding. My immediate family is huge and there are so many out of town guests.
i live in LA, and a picnic on the beach sounds like a GREAT idea. that is, until you start to work out the logistics of it. then it begins to sound like a pain in the ass. save yourself the trouble. dinner with close family/friends, bar meetup after.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others that you don't have to host the rehearsal dinner for out of town guests, especially if the majority of them are coming from out of town. Almost every wedding I go to is in a different state because friends and family have moved all over the place--I don't expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner unless I'm in the wedding party. Also personally I'd much rather have the night to explore LA than go to a rehearsal dinner.
ReplyDeleteI think ESB's suggestion would make more sense if you were getting married in a town that was not in and of itself a destination. Let your guests have the evening to explore LA by themselves -- give 'em some suggestions if you think they won't know where to go. The rehearsal dinner is for family and wedding party.
ReplyDeletetacos
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU
DeleteI went to a destination wedding where all the guests were invited for a BBQ the night before the wedding. It was brilliant. The bride and groom wanted more time with everybody to socialise and it worked.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't handle planning a pre-wedding like rehearsal dinner so just had the wedding party + parents. At first I was afraid everyone wouldn't understand -- they were coming from SO FAR!
ReplyDeleteBut no one cared. Everyone TOTALLY understood. Siblings or cousins or friends got together on their own for dinners that fit their budgets or relaxed in their rooms after so much travel.
We did, however, rent out a picnic / party area at a state park for a departing party. It was super relaxed, everyone was invited, and we just threw costco burgers on the grill in the park. It was like 30 bucks to rent it out for the day. We brought the leftover centerpiece flowers and leftover favors and leftover welcome bags to the picnic. Super low key but a beautiful day relaxing with everyone that came. I loved the day at the picnic almost the same as our actual wedding. Park picnic is LIKE a bayckyard bbq... right?
The state park website lists all their parks, tells you if they have reservable picnic areas, and you can even reserve online for some.Here's one idea?
That sounds amazing. I love that idea. Our wedding was over 4th of July weekend, so our in-laws threw a pool party for anyone who was still in town, and it was a lot of fun.
DeleteI totally understand the feeling - in my family big celebrations have always meant multiple days of events so despite rehearsal dinners not being a thing here (Austria), we have invited everyone to a very casual hike to a vineyard for a light dinner and wine the evening before our wedding. I really wanted to invite everyone because about half of them are coming from other countries (which here equals to travel from another state I guess =) ) and we want them to meet and mingle before the main event. But I agree - people probably don't expect you to invite them. I assume they've been invited to the main event for a while and if they haven't heard about a pre-party then I doubt they'll be expecting one.
ReplyDeleteEveryone except for my brother is travelling at least 2 hours to the wedding, so we're hosting everyone the day before. You're on the right track in aiming for cheap and low-key. We're doing: Campground (lake & kickball field & picnic tables) + pizza + beer.
ReplyDeleteI get why others would be stressed about the "second reception" thing, but I'm psyched for it. We have very, very large families and the thought of trying to enjoy everyone's company during just the wedding was stressing me out in a major way. This way I can mellow out and get some quality time with everyone. If it sounds like fun to you and your partner, make it happen.
I know people are talking about it being stressful, but it doesn't need to be. This was our planning process: Google "campground" and call the first one I find about rates for the day. Repeat with pizza (from a dude with a travelling wood grill pizza truck!). Tell people to show up (on website and word of moth).
Delete(Tip: public spaces are sometimes more lax than public spaces; the local state parks needed permits. I'm sure that would be easy to figure out, but the campground was even easier.)
Yes for pizza! You could ask a few of your non-traveling friends/relatives to bring salads and/or drinks or you could just order those as well.
DeleteThe important thing is not to give a f*** about how the pre-party turns out. You don't need an extra event to stress out over but if you can decide you'll be fine with however it turns out, go for it.
Alternately, pick a bar where anyone who is interested can meet up after your rehearsal dinner for the wedding party/immediate family only. We just went to a wedding that did this and it was perfect. Guests can pay their own tabs, everyone gets to meet each other, no one feels obligated to go if they aren't interested.
um, Ms K? Travelling wood grill pizza truck? Link or name plzthx. Cause that would be awesome!
DeleteWe had a restaurant dinner for out of town guests, immediate family and the bridal party. It was a great night and I started to feel like a bride. However the cost was insane, it damn near broke us, as we didn't really think that much about it in the early planning. Do what is affordable and doesn't have a lot of effort. You should be sitting on a tuffet the day before the wedding.
ReplyDeleteIf it works with the wedding party people, have the rehearsal and it's dinner way before most of the out of towners get there. We're doing ours the weekend before the wedding on a Sunday evening. THEN have a non-rehearsal dinner shindig that includes the out of towners the day before...this is where the beach party/tacos truck/BYOM (Bring Your Own Meat) casual thing can happen.
ReplyDeleteOur wedding coincides with the local annual fall fair, so you can bet most of our local guests are heading there anyways and the out of towners will get brought along for the fun.
I loved our rehearsal dinner for flying guests and immediate family (~35 people) which we held at a cabin (where some of the guests were staying) and barbecued. But I also ended up in tears at one point during the evening because it was just a lot to organize (my mother told me I couldn't expect my brothers-in-law to grill and that I needed to do that, when all I could think of was how it was my one chance to relax during a stressful day-before-the-wedding filled with DIY projects. My fantastic father who had also spent all day with DIY projects ended up being grill master). So I think this really has to be a personal decision based upon how busy you are likely to be and how close you are to your wedding guests. If you are super excited to see each of your 100 guests, organize a get-together for everyone. If at least 25% of the guests are people you wouldn't mind not showing up (in my case, cousins I'm not close with and parents' friends), don't bother inviting them all to the rehearsal dinner -- it'll just make the event less special. Taking a plane trip, especially to LA, does not mandate a second free meal. Likewise if you are going to be super busy up to the minute of the wedding frosting cakes and making deviled eggs for the big event, don't put a second awesome event on the calendar, because you won't find it so awesome. But if you have a coordinator or aren't doing any DIY projects, then I think organizing a big picnic on the beach sounds amazing.
ReplyDeleteAny of these options is fine, so just decide what you really want. Cozy rehearsal dinner with just family/bridal party? Go for that, no one EXPECTS a welcome dinner. Chance to see everyone and pre-party? Park, pizza, cheap beer. Somewhere in the middle? Small dinner, then tell everyone to meet at the bar. Don't stress it.
ReplyDeleteWe had a pretty intimate rehearsal dinner (30 people) and I would not have changed that for the world. It was really about family, and gave us a chance to spend more time with those folks since that was harder to do the day of. AFTER our little dinner we invited anyone and everyone to a bar for bocce and booze (and made sure that our friends send us home on time) so that everyone got to meet and play. Worked out perfectly.
ReplyDeleteWe invited pretty much everyone who had come in from out of town (I think it was about 35 people) and we certainly didn't ask anyone for permission, but we just had everyone meet at the little picnic tables outside of the cafe at the getty for an afternoon. We shuffled a few little tables together, and we had brought food (very low-key: costco roast chickens that we made into sandwiches, we made guacamole that morning, brought chips and baguettes, some fruit salad), and it was wonderful and easy. And, important for me at the time, super cheap.
ReplyDeleteRe: #HitchedInLR...are you sure you can see all of the submissions? When I search for it on Pinterest, only one of my [several] pins comes up. I read on the Pinterest help site that there are problems with their search and delays in indexing...
ReplyDeleteMe too...my comments show up on the ESB lr // hitched page and my own pinterest board, but not if you search #HitchedinLR. I am no expert pinner.
DeleteHmm.. mine don't show up as well.. That's worrisome..
DeleteNo, I know. The hashtag thing is fucked. But if you *repinned* (following the veeeeeeeeerry complicated directions) we saw your entry, I promise!!
DeletePHEW.
DeleteYou could have a bonfire at Dockweiler Beach in Playa Del Rey - it's one of the only beachers where they're still allowed. You just need to make sure you get there early enough to grab a spot.
ReplyDeleteI kept reading this as "rehearsal dinosaur." Much more exciting.
ReplyDelete<3
DeleteMy sister had a barbecue overlooking the beach.
ReplyDeleteInvite everyone-- that was how our rehearsal dinner went down, because basically everyone was from out of town and our location wasn't super easy to get to (rural, the only airport was an hour away). Afterwards, everyone went to a bar together. How it worked out for me-- I got to visit with in-laws and step family at dinner, friends at the bar afterward, so that the reception was less high stakes in terms of having conversations with everyone.
ReplyDeleteInviting everyone seems like a good solution for modern weddings, when tons of people are travelling to attend.
having said rehearsal dinner should only be bridal party and immediate family.. it isn't a tradition at all here in the UK, but we have 90% of our guests travelling to the wedding so the in-laws are throwing us a low key backyard shindig the day before the wedding for anyone and everyone who will be around - key points though, we aren't advertising it as a rehearsal dinner (because that is a really it's own specific thing) and we aren't hosting (so can avoid the stress, albeit small, of another event)
ReplyDeleteWe're just doing close family and wedding party rehearsal dinner, otherwise it felt like we were planning (and paying for) another reception on top of the reception. Plus, we're getting married in Washington, DC so it didn't feel like we were just abandoning people in some small town with nothing to do/eat and no way to get around. Also, sometimes it's nice if you travel really far for a wedding to be able to actually enjoy the city you're in or see other friends you have there. I've been to destination weddings where welcome dinner followed by wedding-morning-brunch followed by wedding followed by after party followed by day-after-wedding-bbq means I spend the whole time at various banquet halls making small talk with people I'll never see again and never get to explore.
ReplyDeletenot sure if you are still reading - but we invited everyone - both of our families have a strong rule that if you travel you are fed, and everyone flew from all over the country to be there! we actually had 4 events over 4 days, but it was also a half indian wedding, so that explains some of that (mendhi, etc.). i loved it - it was so amazing to actually get to spend time with the people who came in to see us.
ReplyDeleteBUT our rehearsal dinner was at this awesome spot in venice - big red sun. it's a garden store with a sick backyard area on rose ave pretty close to abbott kinney and it was perfect - we brought the heirloom LA food truck (at the time the only approved option - this was a year ago) in and everyone loved it. this venue likely only works if your guests are staying in the area, but we got married in santa monica so it was perfect!
for our other events - mendhi thursday night and brunch on sunday - our parents hosted at their rental houses that were in the area (found through VRBO) and they were also perfect! assuming your family is coming in from out of town, this may be a perfect way to find a place with a yard AND give them more space AND save them money (compared to staying in a hotel).
good luck!