ESB,
My fiancee and I are getting married in a private ceremony with only our immediate families in attendance and then later on hosting a brunch reception for friends and additional family. We're paying for the wedding ourselves and as such, parental involvement stays at a minimum. While this was an intended consequence of our choice, I still want to be respectful of mine and FH's parents and not shut them out from the planning process and day entirely. I sent my parents our guest list last week asking them if there were any strong objections or additions they'd like to make to the list, while keeping in mind our limited space.
My mom called to say they approve of the list, all is well...except she wants to know if they can throw another party the day after our wedding for "those who want to celebrate but were not invited." I did not turn her down immediately because she was so extremely careful to remind me that it's totally up to FH and I, they don't want to be in-law-zillas, etc. Basically, she wants to have a "casual-yet-tasteful picnic" in the suburbs where she gets to invite her friends and the extended family I left out.
It's crazy though, right? I mean I think those people will be offended and very aware of the fact that they got a consolation picnic. Especially if my mom's invitation has anything to do with "celebrating the wedding of..." I imagine they will feel obligated to get a gift and yet they do not get to come the real party.
(not to mention I've no interest in spending the day after my wedding anywhere other than our fancy hotel suite)
I want to be thoughtful and considerate of my mom but methinks this is asking for trouble and confusion on the parts of the b-list guests.
It's a bad idea, right?
*****
Right.
Sidebar: I feel like my job here 90% of the time is just to encourage you guys to follow your instincts. Which I'm cool with. Though the times when I get to say NO YOU'RE CRAY are a lot more fun.........
Where have all the CRAZIES GONE? And the cunts? I haven't had a candidate for MMOHIAC in ages.
Related: I've really been missing the anonymous comments, but I enabled them for like five seconds last night and the spam IMMEDIATELY started flowing in. So, yeah. No.
Photo: Shalom Harlow by Steven Meisel for Vogue (March 1994) via tamera via Vanessa Correa
Ordinarily I would agree too (and I would say it is completely FINE to do whatever you want in this setting - there is no right answer). BUT we ended up having a post wedding party for my in-laws friends (mostly people I did not even know) and almost everyone was just happy to be there and see us and each other and eat food. There was maybe 1 person total (among 200) who made a crack to us about having a "secret wedding" which seemed to imply that she was insulted but everyone else really just seemed happy and understanding. I think also most of these people understand that they are your parents' friends so they are content to celebrate at "their" thing rather than at "your' thing which is the wedding. Does this even make any sense? In any case all I wanted to say was that if you DO end up going the post part route it may not really be so bad.
ReplyDeletehow would you feel about an engagement party with these same people? Or a party at a later date? These are both more common places for people not invited to the wedding to be.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you miss the anonymous comments? Are people just nicer with a made-up attached?
ReplyDeleteit's just been so fucking POLITE around here lately.
DeleteAwww. If it make you feel better I'll call this girl's mom a passive aggressive twat smudge. Except I think she's probably just a sweet lady who wants to throw a party.
Delete:S
DeleteI was trying to be helpful! Which, in retrospect, is rather polite of me. Shit. You should check in with the girl who wanted you to find her dress before her boyfriend even knew they were getting married. That chic was fucking BONKERS.
DeleteHow about using captcha to weed out spammers?
DeleteNO CAPTCHA!!!!
Delete@Hillary right? I think that's worse.
DeleteThis one is tough, especially because you made your mom sound so NICE.
ReplyDeleteDid your parents and your fiance's parents have an opportunity to invite some people they wanted to the reception? It sounds like the guest list may be pretty limited due to space, etc., so I wonder if perhaps they're just wanting to mark this pretty huge occasion with some of the people who are important to them while still being respectful of the wedding you want to have.
I agree with you that the day after seems a bit weird, and I also would not want another event to have to attend the day after, especially with people I don't really know. However, I wonder if you and your mom can work together to find a less awkward date to have another gathering so she gets to celebrate her daughter getting married in a way that is significant to her.
It does occur to me that I wonder about her motivations for the party, though...i.e. does she just feel bad these people aren't invited (in which case, screw it) or are these people she wishes were invited to the reception?
NICE people are the hardest to deal with sometimes.
DeleteHere's the thing: it doesn't sound like you *want* to go to this tasteful picnic. If you wanted to? It would be a great idea. But you don't, so it's a terrible idea. Tell your mom no. She's already said she'd understand, and she will. Why agree to go to a party that you do not want?
ReplyDeleteI think this is the issue. Is there a way to have this kind of party in a way you'd want to do, i.e. as an engagement party or a reception weeks later?
DeleteI have been invited to a couple receptions for couples who were married months before. In both cases, the original weddings were in different countries, and the parents of the bride and groom recognized that not everyone they invited would be able to afford the international travel costs, so they threw a hometown party after the fact. I think that if your mom plans this picnic reception a couple months after your wedding, it would go over better with guests and also you wouldn't have to spend the day after your wedding with a bunch of your parents' friends. The day after your wedding is one of the best days of your whole life- don't do ANYTHING you don't absolutely want to do that day!!
ReplyDeletecompletely agree! the day after makes it more apparent and awkward that they weren't invited, a celebration at a later date makes more sense
Deleteyes, makes more sense to have it a couple months later as a nice 'in celebration of the newlyweds' shindig. and your parents' friends will feel less obligated to give you awkward gifts, etc
DeleteWe had a huge family picnic for our families the day after the wedding. Although, ours were all wedding invitees to say thanks for coming so far. Here's some things to consider:
ReplyDelete1) The morning after your wedding, you might be EXHAUSTED. We did take down of the reception ourselves, got into the hotel SUPER late, and then was up and helping to arrange the picnic by 9 am. It was a little stressful.
2) Being able to super low-key relax with all our friends and family that afternoon was amazing. It is one of our favorite memories.
Overall, something like that can REALLY extend the wedding euphoria while also extending the wedding stress. You have to choose which seems more worth it.
Yes, yes, yes. Especially your no. 1. We went to a family gathering the day after our wedding, and my god, I've never been so exhausted in my entire life. I was happy to see my family and I tried to be social, but I was SO tired that I was pretty much useless. And really, I just wanted to be alone with my new husband.
DeleteOur wedding was super tiny, so quite a few people were left out, including about 20 of my parent's really close friends.
ReplyDeleteMy parent's wanted to throw us a laid back party (about a month after the wedding) so their friends could celebrate our marriage and it worked out great. I think my parent's friends would've been offended if we DIDN'T have some sort of celebration to include them. And my dad included "just your presence, no presents" on the invite which worked out great (some people still brought cards/gifts which we felt guilty about, but obviously apprecaitive)
But the day after your wedding sounds like a terrible time to do that. At least do it the following week so you can relax a little?
We had a tiny wedding, because we put our feet down and insisted that what we actually wanted was a tiny wedding. Both sets of parents wanted to have a low key party to celebrate after the fact, and we had no problem letting them do that, but the first was a month after the wedding, and the second was the month after that. Had either been the day after the wedding, we would have nixed that right away. We were so exhausted the day after our wedding, and didn't want to socialize with anyone but each other. Also, it would have been really awkward for all the people who weren't invited to the wedding. When we had the months-later reception, there was no awkwardness, and people socialized, ate, and seemed to have a good time.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm confused. Are you inviting people who don't get to witness the ceremony to a reception that very night? That happened to me not too long ago, and I was offended. Like Tonia mentioned above, having something a few weeks/months after your destination wedding makes sense. Inviting people to a party thrown in honor of a wedding that happened mere hours before seems all kinds of wrong to me.
ReplyDeleteIn short, if you're having a party the night of your wedding with people who weren't invited to your ceremony, then I don't see what grounds you can tell your mom that she can't host a picnic the next day.
PS - Yes, you'll be tired the day after your wedding, but we had 75+ OOT guests and were more than thrilled to have half of them at our house the day after for pizza and relaxation. It was fun, and we were in bed, asleep by 8p.
just wanting to add that i seriously feel for you. we're doing the exact same thing - having a super-teeny legal ceremony with 10 of our immediate family in sydney, then jetting off to the amalfi coast just the two of us to get married our way, and partying when we get back. my parents weren't thrilled with the idea, but just when i thought they'd accepted, mum said to me two weeks ago that she was planning a wedding in singapore at the end of the year with nary a considerate thought for my wonderful friends who would not be able to attend.
ReplyDeletei *think* we've compromised (though you never know with mothers!) - i've picked two venues, sent her to both appointments (one is today) and told her to pick, and go crazy planning a party up to a certain budget.
it sounds like your mum wants to fund this picnic? are your inlaws' friends invited too? is it possible that instead, your parents contribute some money towards your brunch reception to cover the cost of the guests they wish to invite, and that way everyone's all together at your lovely event?
i totally agree with everyone else - do NOT do it the day after.