Hi ESB,
My wonderful fiance and I are getting married in August and when we got engaged I decided I wanted to forgo having a traditional bridal party. But now my sister and sister-in-law are upset that they're not "involved" in our wedding, and while they keep saying that it's my day and I can do what I want, I feel like they're upset I'm not having a bridal party and they're not in it.
So, I'm thinking of having all the siblings walk down the aisle before the ceremony (a la a traditional wedding), but instead of having them stand up there with us, I was just going to have them take their seats in the front row (I'm also thinking of giving them all readings as well). This seems to have calmed them down a bit, but now my mother is saying that I should probably involve my friends in the ceremony as well. My mother is very well-meaning and I respect her opinion, but this wedding is turning into me figuring out how I can keep everyone happy and it's starting to stress me out.
Do you think I need to try and include my friends in the ceremony if I'm now including family? And if so, do you have any good ideas as to how I can do it?
Thank you!
- My wedding is being hijacked
*****
People will get upset NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. And then they'll get over it.
But if you don't stand up for what you want, you don't get to whine about how your wedding is being "hijacked."
But if you don't stand up for what you want, you don't get to whine about how your wedding is being "hijacked."
I got lost in the logic that because siblings are involved, friends needs to be too. Having siblings walk down the aisle is perfect. Stop there.
ReplyDeleteDo not do not do not try to make everybody happy--not just in weddings, but also in life. When you let people rely on you for their happiness, they also get to point the finger at you when it doesn't turn out for them (or when you do what they want but they end up not liking it).
Yes to this. Maybe make an effort to play some quality time with your friends during the weekend and show them they're important to you. Girls brunch? Invite them over to get ready with you? Manicures? This way you can "involve" them without actually putting them IN the wedding, if that's not what you want.
DeleteOr...don't?
DeleteI mean...they're all adults, right?
They'll understand/get over it.
Bridal Parties can be hard to figure out. My fiance and I are trying to work on ours right now. First we decided on siblings only, now my "people-pleasing" side is worried that not including my brother-in-law's wife (we're close) in the party might offend her. Because I like to make my life complicated, apparently.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, I think your plan of having people walk in before you and do readings is a great one. It lets people be involved while you're getting what you want. As for friends, I think your mom is probably just trying to make sure you've thought of everything before making final decisions. I'm sure everyone will be happy with whatever you decide. And if not, then go find something that makes you happy and try to forget about them!
Maybe I'm just kinda clueless, but, honestly, I fail to see why everyone feels that they are entitled to be "involved" in other people's weddings.
ReplyDeleteLike, at it's heart, a wedding is a declaration/celebration of a relationship. While it's NICE to include other people, and parents have historically had opinions and/or planned the whole thing, turning the entire thing into "a celebration of everyone important in your life, ever" seems kind of off, and like a breeding ground for every possible kind of drama.
What kind of crazies get upset over NOT having to be a bridesmaid?
ReplyDeleteI'd be so vexed if my friend didn't even want a bridal party but then had me reading some corny lines in front of everyone just because her MOM said so/wanted it.
Leave the sisters in and the friends out.
this is exactly what I was thinking--who in her right mind actually wants to be a bridesmaid? It's only fun if you're 17 and have never been one before.
DeleteI kind of disagree here. I obviously think she should do whatever she wants to do and not worry about someone else being afraid of a third party getting their feelings hurt (too much hypothesizing there!) but I know that one of my bridesmaids is getting married, and I'd be a little hurt if she had bridesmaids and I wasn't one. BUT if she didn't have them at all, more power to her!
DeleteI can sort of vaguely see the point of view of the folks that might be disappointed to not have an important role in your wedding. I think people who think of their relationships with you in a certain way could feel hurt when their viewpoints aren't affirmed by being made a bridesmaid or whatever. With that said, however, this is all not your problem.
ReplyDeleteIn planning my own wedding, I've noticed that there is this weird pressure to define and rank in black and white terms all of the relationships in your life. I've learned that the more you give in to this and the harder you try to make everyone happy, the harder it will be. You'll just end up unhappy and stressed. Do the things that will be special and important to you and your fiance, and everyone else will either be happy because you're happy or get over it.
I think you nailed it with "the harder you try to make everyone happy, the harder it will be." When you start saying yes just to accommodate people, you set a precedent. Then when you start saying no (out of necessity), people will get way more hurt than if you had just set the boundaries to begin with because it turns into "She said yes to so-and-so but she said no to me so she must like so-and-so more than she likes me." There are certainly some people you may be happy to go out of your way for, just be very clear about who those people are and the reasons you're willing to give them more leeway.
DeleteDo what is best for you and your FH. I had a friend who called me all sorts of nasty names and ended our friendship after I didn't make her a bridesmaid. If you have someone that cares more about being your bridesmaid (or otherwise involved in your wedding)than being your friend--good riddance.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you shouldn't be attempting to give everyone you've ever known a special role in your wedding ceremony. It's impossible to do that, really, unless you're having a Quaker wedding and everyone is going to stand in a circle around you guys and tell a story or give a blessing (which would be lovely).
ReplyDeleteBut assuming you're going with a more typical ceremony structure, your guests will start sneaking away to the cocktail bar if there are readings done by every aunt, cousin and high school friend! Keep it simple and stick to your guns when other suggestions arise.
That being said, I think it's right to honor your immediate family/an important mentor/a best friend in your life in some way. This doesn't need to be done during the ceremony, though. I've seen brides and grooms give short speeches before dinner, thanking/recognizing the people who played big roles in their lives. Weddings are about the bride and groom, yes, but in my case I wouldn't be who I am without a handful of people who are very special to me, and I wanted to make sure they were honored in some way during the biggest event of my life!
It's worth thinking about what kind of precedent this sets up with all these people. Your sister and sister-in-law said "do what you want," but you are now tying yourself in knots to read their minds and intuit and accomodate their unspoken feelings. Do you really want to teach them that this is how it works with you? This leads straight to "How could you have named your baby Caleb? You knew I called that name when I was 12!" etc. If this people-pleasing is pattern with you and your mom, the wedding is also a great opportunity to send a "there's a new sheriff in town" message to her too.
ReplyDeleteThe sisters are presumably adults. They said "do what you want," so you should take them at their word and do what you want. It's actually kind of rude to disregard what they say, decide on your own what they secretly "really want," do it, and then resent them for it. You're highjacking your own wedding/life with that behavior.
This shit is really hard to change. But a wedding can be a big turning point in your life. Look at your patterns with these people and think about which ones you really want to carry forward into your new life as a grown-up married person. Good luck!
I really like this perspective. Well said!
DeleteI agree with Tonia, you can still acknowledge important people (in speeches or personal notes to them) without having them stand up with you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you can just tell your family that you are following an English tradition - over here the bridesmaids walk down the aisle and then sit down when everyone sits down, only the couple are standing in the front together! :)
people get so ridiculous about defining themselves in other people's weddings. I have a friend who threw a fit (to everyone but the bride) about her PLACEMENT as a bridesmaid... she was upset she wasn't 1st or 2nd to walk down the aisle!
ReplyDeleteYes, this illustration is the best.
ReplyDeletei sorta wish i could just leave it up there for a while ;)
DeleteI'm going to use it as my new response to any email about my FSIL's bridal shower, or really my response to any bridal shower ever.
DeleteI'm eloping so I don't expect to need this, but now I'm partially hoping someone will retro-protest to not having been included so I can use it.
DeleteWe didn't have a bridal party, and it worked out well for two reasons:
ReplyDelete1) We made it clear from the start it was non-negotiable (there's a difference between "I don't think I'm having a bridal party" and "I'm not having a bridal party."). If you don't want a bridal party, then stick to it and be clear about it.
2) The people who were important to us were able to contribute in other ways that really matched their strengths. My Mom made my dress, my Dad handled logistics, my sister made five cakes (not all at the same time), my MIL handled videography, my aunt performed the ceremony, etc. Some of our good friends even threw us parties (yeah, I was the woman that did five parties-http://www.eastsidebride.com/2012/07/more-than-just-kegger.html; they turned out perfectly). I found that everyone just wanted to participate and be supportive, and this gave them a constructive way to do that, rather than bickering over bridesmaid dresses. I guess it helped that neither my husband or I were picky (the cake is crooked? I couldn't care less), and that we didn't ask for gifts. But mostly it just takes a little bit of time to piece together how to involve people in a way they are excited about and you are okay with. In my experience, the end product was definitely worth it.
we're getting married in august, no bridal party. my bff of a sister got ordained online & is officiating our wedding, and my future brother in law is doing a reading during the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteit's non negotiable for me, bridal parties always sound like a nightmare, but i don't want my parents to be sad, so we are walking up the aisle together, our parents at the head(/top?) of the aisle and are going to hug them. then they can sit & we will do our ceremony.