Dear ESB,
My two-years younger sister, who is also my Maid of Honor, is a special, slightly psychotic, snowflake. She got married, years ago, and I was by her side as her MOH for her big day, and did all of the stuff that goes along with that title. That marriage ended, and about a year later she got married again (to a guy I had never met). Once again, I put on my big girl pants and did the MOH thing, including flying to the other side of the country with 2 months notice to throw her a bachelorette party and watch her get married all over again. One year later (fall of 2012) she was divorced again. I was there for her from courtship to demise in both instances.
Currently, I am preparing to get married in July (and have been engaged for about 2 years). My sister is my MOH (I didn't consider anyone else, as I have only one sister and my family would FREAK if she weren't IT) and she has been absent. To say she doesn't give a sh*t about any of it would be an understatement; she hasn't asked about the wedding in months.
She, of course, has a new serious boyfriend whom she wants to bring to the wedding, and I told her no. Not only do we not have enough room, but I really don't want this guy (whom I've never met) at my wedding. My entire family will, of course, be present and I know that if she brings this new guy, so soon after her second divorce, the family will spend the entire night whispering about THAT. She told me that if she's traveling all the way to my wedding (which is taking place in the city where I currently live, in another state a fair distance from hometown where she still resides) she thinks she should get to bring him. At which point I told her that if she doesn't want to come without a date, then she shouldn't come.
We are barely on speaking terms, now, but she's still planning on coming and says "it's no big deal" about new boyfriend, but I know better. I also know you're always telling brides to invite only who they want there and not to care about the rest of it, but I'm having a really hard time NOT freaking out about my sister throwing a hissy fit at my wedding because she doesn't have a date.
Sincerely,
Scared of my sister
*****
You know your sister is flaky, but you ask her to be your maid of honor ANYWAY, and then you get all pissy when she acts like a flake?
If you don't let her bring a date, your whole family will feel sorry for her and whisper "Poor thing, she's already been divorced twice." What do you want them to talk about? YOU and how gorgeous you look in your dress? That takes FIVE SECONDS.
Blame Spring 2013 via Fashion Gone Rogue
I don't understand this whole bridal party obligation business. Nobody HAS to be a MOH/bridesmaid/whatever unless you want them to be.
ReplyDeleteI like the system that you only get a +1 if the bride or groom has met your significant other in person at least once. Who wants a bunch of people they've never met at their wedding...?
ReplyDeleteyour sister is begging for a MOH demotion, and tell her 100% no date. too much drama already!
ReplyDeleteare your parents any help in the matter? ugh. tough one!
I know we're a no-rules crowd here, but I tend to appreciate the one that says attendants should be allowed dates. If they're going out of their way, often travelling a great distance as you note, and helping you with this, it's not too much trouble for you to let them bring their person. Now if you want to demote her because she's not actually acting like a MOH that's another story, but I think the MOH should be allowed to bring her date.
ReplyDeleteI'm with erin on this one. we are giving everyone in the bridal party a +1. I don't care if I haven't met them, they are coming 3000+ miles to my wedding, they can have a date.
DeleteYes to the +1 for wedding party members. ESPECIALLY if all the other wedding party members have a +1, +2 or +3.
DeleteAlso, you already knew she was going to be flaky so she's not doing anything different then you thought she would.
But seriously, throw her a bone...weddings can be hard for people already, they can be even harder if you're the twice divorced sister of the bride. She wants an ally in her corner, be kind and let her bring one.
Yes. Let her bring a date for christsakes.
DeleteTo clarify, the MOH sister is currently NOT "helping with this [wedding]" at all. Which is why the bride doesnt feel she should be asking for special treatment. They arent allowing anyone else's never-met-before-new-boyfriend to the wedding, how come the sister gets to? I agree with bride, tell her no. And if she throws a fit, tell her she can be a bridesmaid not the MOH if she's going to act like that.
Deletelove that suit thing. germany only? boo.
ReplyDeleteit's easy to want a tit-for-tat thing when it comes to being a moh. but she's clearly not like you, so you can't expect the same from her. or you shouldn't, anyways.
my vote is to let her bring her date.
why do people expect others to magically change once they've been asked to be maid of honor? she's still your same flaky sister. demote her if it bothers you that much and let her bring her damn boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteI get it, if she brings the boyfriend, she will be annoying. But here's the thing: If she doesn't bring the boyfriend? She will still be annoying. So just invite him, and accept that, sucky as it may be, your sister will never totally be the person you'd like her to be.
ReplyDeleteI think a) she should get to bring her bf, b) she should still be your MOH at the wedding, and c) you get your closest friend to be the unofficial MOH and throw a bachelorette party, help plan, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like too much of a headache to try to fight this one--concede and focus your energy elsewhere.
Agree on all counts.
DeleteAlso, I would find it hard to be enthused about wedding planning less than a year after getting divorced.
Well the sister was able to get enthused enough to plan her second wedding after her first divorce, so she doesn't seem to have that problem.
DeleteUnless there's a history of the sister and her new boyfriend making scenes at events/out in public, let her bring him. No one spends the "whole night" at a wedding talking about any one thing. The focus will be on you for the ceremony and the important things during the reception, but that's all you get.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you've got someone else doing the (emotional/organizational/physical) work of the MOH in your flaky sister's absence, find a way to honor them for that.
I think the best course of action would be to sincerely apologize to your sister and tell her that of course her boyfriend is welcome. Tell her you were just stressing about the head count, about having someone there you've never met, and that you were feeling bummed that now her time will be divided between her date and you, when you were really hoping for lots of quality sister time during the wedding weekend. But say you're sorry about that and of course he can come.
ReplyDeletePerhaps her response will be to do the sisterly thing in return and say that she'll come solo if it is important to you. And if not, at least you know you are a really good sister!
Yes, Mary Anne! I also believe an apology is in order.
DeleteThis is perfect.
Deleteyep yep yep, this is dead on!
DeleteAgreed!
Deleteyeah, I think maybe an apology like this would go a long ways
DeleteYep, I agree. Be the bigger person, if for no other reason than the good feeling it will give you. That, and the fact that not allowing her boyfriend to come will probably cause you a bigger headache than forbidding it. Not worth it.
DeleteTHIS! There are a millions reasons (distance being one of them) why you can't always meet someone's SO before a wedding. It's disrespectful for the OP to pass judgement on their relationship (she's basically saying she doesn't think it will last and doesn't want this guy in het wedding pictures).
DeleteYes, this is good (less bitchy) advice than the advice I gave...
DeleteThis is an easy one: You let her bring her boyfriend. My sister and I are thirteen months apart; it's just the two of us in our family, and I'm the "responsible one." So. YEAH. I understand where you are coming from, but trust me on this one.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate your sister. I know that everything thinks you should just invite him, but I definitely see why you're hesitant. Everyone is always "it isn't about YOU, bride," but it isn't all about her desires either. I would ask other family members their opinions/ friends who understand the personalities at play here, rather than some strangers on a blog.
ReplyDeleteshe's your sister and your maid of honor. let her bring her boyfriend. if she's that bad at being your maid of honor, give the job to someone else. or, you know, don't have one. easy.
ReplyDeleteSo I wrote this question to ESB in a fit of frustration and realized that I left out one very important fact: my extended family has said that they want nothing to do with my sister and her new relationship. Because I know the kind of drama these people are capable of, I'm trying to avoid my sister's fits both because of not having her boyfriend present AND because of the wrath she would be facing from the fam. I'm facing a double-edged sword!
ReplyDeleteBut I do sincerely appreciate all of the advice thus far - I needed to hear from people outside of my bubble.
Would it help to tell the people saying that, that by barring him from the wedding they're already sticking their nose into that relationship?
DeleteSo, the same family that would "FREAK" if she wasn't MOH would also lose their shit if her new boyfriend attended? Don't invite the family.
DeleteMother threatened not to attend if sister was not MOH, grandparents, threatened not to attend if sister brings boyfriend.
DeleteAnd yes, I now realize that we should have eloped.
Does miss snowflake know that you are actually in this uncomfortable situation, or does she just think you are randomly choosing to be mean?
DeleteJust asking because older sister law typically dictates protecting the feelings of younger sisters at all costs. It may be time to be straight with her about why you are hesitant to let her bring the bf.
If she does know what you are up against and still isn't getting it, then I think perhaps you should just stay strong and let her be a "figurehead" MOH for the ceremony.
Yikes. Well, at least your sister came by her crazy honestly. Is she aware of the threatened boycott? Can't you just say "look, I would love to have your new man there but grandma and grandpa are freaking the fuck out and it would be a big favor to me if he hung back?"
ReplyDeleteI agree with this. Why take the fall for your crazy grandparents?
DeleteJust include a line of copy on the invitation that reads:
DeleteMy sister and her new boyfriend will be attending, so please make all necessary arrangements to behave like civilized people even though you are my family, and I know you are all fucking crazy.
It's not too late to elope! This family sounds like a royal head ache!
ReplyDelete