Dear East Side Bride,
My best friend is coming to visit me in New York (from Glasgow) and I'm convinced he is the love of my life.
In the last two years that I've known him, he's been my very best friend; he fell in love with me while living with his live in girlfriend and soon his feelings were reciprocated. After a messy night, he broke up with his girlfriend and he and I realized that this feeling we shared, regardless of how young we were, was something uncommon that was meant to be seized.
I have since left England (after completing my BA at the school we both went to in London) and he has been kicking ass at his job in Glasgow. He is coming to visit in three week and I want to propose. Despite a history of disenchantment and cynicism, I know he is the man that I not only want to spend my life with, but is the only person I can see myself having children and growing old with.
That being said, I think we will be having a city hall wedding in NYC (my hometown where I currently work) and I want a killer dress. I've never been much for ceremony but I want to look good at the casual event that will be our wedding date. I'm tall and a size 4 and love structural, unusual pieces and have about $800 to spend. Asking for help from you and your diligent readers in finding the perfect dress. You always seem spot on.
Love,
Unexpected young bride
*****
GRAB SOME WOOD THERE BUB
Right now you should be concentrating on having lots and lots of sex with this guy. Maybe dipping your toe into *living together.*
Marriage isn't going anywhere. Marriage will still be there in a year or two (or FOUR) if you still feel the same way.
Michelle Williams by Willy Vanderperre for AnOther Magazine Spring/Summer 2013 via Visual Optimism
jesus...
ReplyDeleteexactly right esb!
exactly. My rule of thumb: always let the honeymoon phase pass (AT LEAST a year of dating, ideally living together for a bit) before tying the knot. Because the honeymoon phase will definitely pass and you don't want to be married to somebody you only like when there are butterflies--you want to know you still like being with this person on the days you feel like annoying room mates, too.
ReplyDelete100% agree with this. It takes time together to discover what the most annoying things are about each other. And then you have to decide if you can live with those annoying things...FOREVER.
DeleteYep. I'm convinced that there would be way fewer divorces if everyone waited until the honeymoon phase ended (which can take up to two years, from what I've read) before getting married. The crazy-in-love, sparks flying, butterflies thing doesn't last forever.
DeleteAnd way fewer marriages! Ha.
DeleteIs there a tag for "Oh, honey, no"? Because this letter needs one.
ReplyDeleteI second the motion to start an "oh, honey, no" tag.
Deletebrilliant tag!
DeleteDamn. I kind of felt like dress shopping.
ReplyDeleteis this real?? take it down a notch, lady!
ReplyDeleteBut you guys, what they have is uncommon and is meant to be seized! Seized, I say!
ReplyDeleteBut then they moved to separate continents...
Deletewowzers. you met his guy in college, moved to different continents - aren't even dating (?!) - and you want to propose already? slooooow down.
ReplyDeleteare you actually in a relationship with him? I would try that first.
In conclusion, completley agree with esb!
Also - I love that despite not having proposed and him not having agreed, you are already PLANNING THE WEDDING?!
Deletehorse-before-cart situation here..
That is the hell that Pinterest hath wrought.
DeleteI love you..
DeleteSo, picking out your wedding dress before you are DATING, let alone engaged, is crazy pants but... does anyone else really want to see architectural dresses under $800?
ReplyDeleteAs someone who dated her husband for 9 years before getting married, I totally get the "please wait." advice.
ReplyDeleteBut if people want to be married, they're gonna get married. Some people meet on their wedding day and their marriages turn out perfect. Others date for years, only to have it sour the day they get back from their honeymoon.
What's the worst that could happen? They get divorced? It's not that big of a deal to get divorced anymore.
As for dresses? I have no clue. I'm fashion ignorant.
ummm...agree...wait. But, I have to disagree that "It's not that big of a deal to get divorced anymore". I'm not going to preach and say it's wrong or evil or the like...to each their own. However, divorce IS a big deal and not something to be shrugged off and taken lightly. Especially if kids are involved.
DeleteI didn't mean to be so flippant about divorce. If I were to get divorced right now it'd be a PRETTY HUGE DEAL and my world might get tossed upside down.
DeleteI just meant that, if it's a mistake, and you're pre-kiddies, it's a mistake that can be un-raveled. Nowadays, people get divorced and the world doesn't end, they aren't stoned or shamed.
Having kids? That's forever. That's really stuck-stuck-stuck together forever and ever sort of thing.
Even if you are meant to be together, and even if he accepts your proposal while he's here and you decide to get married- there seem to be some practical considerations to take into account.
ReplyDeleteYou and he live on opposite sides of an ocean. Presumably you are different nationalities. He has a job and a home, as do you.
I fear that, without addressing these various issues, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and potentially wasting $800 on a dress before you have even solidified what country you would live in together.
Plan a grand romantic evening in NYC to sate your desire for dramatic romance and leave the wedding until you've had a chance to catch your breath. If it is meant to be you won't be any less excited when it does happen!
OK here is my advice: buy this dress , or maybe this one, and wear it while you enjoy being 23 and madly in love, and don't propose.
ReplyDeleteLucy, you are all class.
Deletethis, and the below. the magic of unfettered 23-year-old love is not something to be underestimated. let it explode in wonderfulness before you start bringing in the law.
DeleteHey no judgements from me, as I too got engaged to my international BFF/soulmate/whatever inappropriately early, in the throes of butterfly love. Years later and we're still going strong, so I think it is possible for your situation to be the genuine start of a satisfying marriage.
ReplyDeleteTHAT BEING SAID, although we got engaged quickly we waited a couple of years to actually get married. Long before the dress choosing and the wedding planning came a whole bunch of really un-sexy conversations about visa applications, life plans, career goals, relationship expectations, practicalities of living arrangements, family support etc. etc. You need to be completely upfront and on the same page, because the stress and sheer bureaucracy of international relationships WILL test your faith in each other in pretty intense ways. TALK FIRST, DRESS LATER. Because you know what is even less fun than divorce? International divorce.
I second Allegra's suggestion of planning a killer romantic NYC night. Hell, you could even drop a few hundred on an amazing new dress, and I'm pretty sure the ESB crowd would happily help you hunt for that.
I mean.. I can't really judge. My (now husband) guy bought a one-way ticket to come move in with me after we'd talked online for 4 years but had never met. Repeat - we met at airport for the first time and he moved in on the same day. I always knew we'd get married. That said, I chilled out for a year and a half before we eloped in Vegas.
ReplyDeleteEven after four years, we learned a LOT about each other before marriage. No matter how well you know a person, there's a readjustment period once you've gone from friends to dating.
All that said, if you're determined to be crazy and young and stupid in love, pre-shopping for a dress is what makes things insane. If he comes to visit and you're both all FUCK YEAH LET'S GET MARRIED TODAY and you wear whatever you happen to be wearing then it's sort of a sweet spontaneous story to share. It's also a mutual decision. If you plan this affair, buy a dress, and drop it on him, it's pretty nuts. Fine line.
YES EXACTLY. Fine line indeed.
Delete"pre-shopping for a dress is what makes things insane."
DeleteThis.
I think there's also a huge (not always pleasant) learning curve after moving in together. I want all (or at least most) of the nasty surprises out of the way pre-marriage so the time after we get married can be sweet and romantic and not filled with "I had no idea you blew snot rockets all over the shower walls every morning and then never wipe them off." There is so much more to marriage than being in love and being best friends.
DeleteSpot on, Kate.
DeleteThere is still a lot to learn after living together once you get married.
DeleteNo marriage is all sweet and romantic.
Some people need to get married in crazy mist, because tying yourself to someone for your life sounds crazy enough to do it in your full reasoning capacities.
I believe some relationships also get into trouble because they get married too late. There is a time window to get married within a relationship.
Snot Rockets. Never Washing His Own Damn Dish Ever. Stinky In A Way You Never Knew Stinky.
ReplyDeleteand the good stuff like He Always Makes The Coffee. He Made Me A Valentine With Glitter Glue. He Always Puts The Seat Down.
you need some time to figure out all those wonderfully terrible things so, as Kate says above, it's not a complete shock!
To agree with some other ladies, if you have the cash for a fabulous dress, buy a fabulous dress. And go on an awesome date. And just be with him. And DO HIM A LOT. Worry about everything else later.
i feel sorta bad for you, OP, in that you're not really getting any slamming dress suggestions, but all these ladies are spot on: you really should just be boning a lot, especially since you seem to be a) in a long-distance relationship where you basically see each other at your "vacation best" and b) it sounds like there might have been a bit of forbidden love/infidelity at the start of things with this guy and that can cloud judgement as well. invest part of that $800 in an awesome dress for a non-wedding date night, and invest the rest in some gorg lingerie.
ReplyDeleteI think our younger selves might slap our older selves.
ReplyDeleteAt first I was like - "Oh Honey No", Tell ESB Tell her.
But then I remembered I was 21 and reckless and more willing to take ridiculous risks and they are some of my most amazing memories.
Also, perhaps they are getting married SO they can live in the same country? Probably not something they'd like to plaster on the internet... I hear immigration frowns on that a bit.
But here's the thing - so many of you ladies have great amazing taste and could help her find a dress instead of judging her decision (advice she didn't ask for) - I know it's all snarky and stuff, but I'm really excited to see some of these dresses...
Had esb included a dress in her response I think the comments would have been drastically different. Also, being called "honey" when condescended to is the worst.
DeleteSeriously. The unsexy immigration, visas, jobs, moving conversations. Have some awesome fun with this dude, then deal with those important conversations, THEN talk about getting married. If this is real, it'll still be there, and it'll happen. Also, and I'm sure you've discussed this with him, but are you sure he doesn't want his family present at a wedding? My wedding was my husband's second, and he still wouldn't have heard of eloping.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteClassy reply!
DeleteAs someone who dived head-on into marriage rather quickly, I can't advise against it - it was awesome (and still is!)
But... I was really glad that we'd lived together first - we moved in together after casually dating for a year (mostly long-distance), got engaged within a month of moving in, and married eight months later. Eighteen months later, I'd still not do it any differently, but I do know I was much more at ease due to having lived together for a while. There's a whole lot of compromise/flexibility involved in living together which you can't emulate over skype.
what?! she removed her comments ..what is that about
DeleteThis Saja dress has a structural bodice and a soft, flowy skirt. Your size and price range!
ReplyDeleteThree passports? Free of roots and slightly unhinged? The ability to talk about your 'career' with the insouciance of scare quotes? OMG you're Jessa.
ReplyDeleteHow about this amazing Malene Birger for $428?
ReplyDeleteI still support living together first, I just don't see the need to rush into it especially since you have just said you can fly over there without visa/job problems, do that first...
ReplyDeletealso, is this a surprise proposal or surprise elopement!? you must be pretty sure he plans to say yes...
Ok now that everyone has put in their two cents on if she should marry this guy can we please get to the dress suggestions? I think thisAidan Mattox is gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteOr is you really want something different a jumpsuit might be the way to go.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNow it's just really killing me that she left two comments and then deleted them. WHAT DID IT SAY??
ReplyDeleteI don't universally object to quick marriages and find the various exhortations above to live with one another first a little pedantic. That said, some things do need time, and perhaps the letter writer should start with picking out a hot dress to wear when they see each other for the first time again?
ReplyDeleteI'm also super curious to know what she said and deleted.
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(+2348131210107)
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