Dear ESB,
I'm the MOV for a friend's wedding and I have a question with respect to the ceremony. The bride wants to have her ceremony on a balcony at the hall where the reception is being held (ceremony at 5pm, reception at 6pm). The balcony is small and won't hold all the guests so she wants to only invite close friends and family to the ceremony and plans to do this by word of mouth.
I think that people will be confused and maybe even offended if they don't get invited to the ceremony. I told her if she wants to have a smaller, more intimate ceremony to do it on another day prior to the reception.
Is it okay to have a smaller ceremony the same day as the reception and just not invite all the guests?
*****
yeah, no. that's rude.
you can have a big wedding or you can have a small wedding, but you can't have BOTH. not at the same fucking location.
p.s. wtf does MOV stand for? maid of valor? matron of videography??
kati nescher in miu miu, shot by patrick demarchelier for vogue uk (february 2013)
Maid of Virtue??
ReplyDeleteAlso looooook this copy-cat of that other gorgoues ESB embroidered dress is on sale (can't think of who that orginal designer is): http://www.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-Maxi-Dress-with-Embroidery/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=2535357&cid=15944&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=200&sort=-1&clr=Black
By word of mouth? I've never heard of such a thing. Can imagine being one of the other guests and being all, "wait...they got married already? When? We missed it? Were we supposed to be th...oh, we weren't?"
ReplyDeleteThat is just too weird. You need to let people know in advance if they are being invited to a ceremony or just a reception.
My best friend did something similar, but she and her husband were straight-up about the ceremony being small and family only. (We weren't even invited to the ceremony.) Then they moved the party elsewhere and everyone went there.
ReplyDeleteBut having it an hour beforehand in the same place without being open about it is pretty damn rude.
We are having a immediate family only and bridal party (two groomsmen and two bridesmaids) only ceremony at the registry office in the morning and a pub reception later in the day with everyone else. We are going to be clear on the invites about this so there's no confusion. Rude?
DeleteAnna, That's exactly what we're doing. I think as long as you're clear on the invites there shouldn't be an issue. I'm attending a friend's wedding next month as an evening only guest and I'm not the least bit offended.
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DeleteThis. It's fine as long as people know in advance.
DeleteA friend of mine had a similar desire for her wedding - small ceremony, large reception. She did both on the same day but had the ceremony at a chapel in the afternoon and then a several hour break before the reception in a different part of town. While she did get what she wanted, many of the guests at the reception felt jipped. Also, for the guests that went to both (like myself) there was the weird inter-wedding break where we really didn't know what to do. go home? get drunk?
ReplyDeletei think my point is that I agree with ESB. If your friend doesn't want to be selfish, its one or the other.
We had a private ceremony the same day as our reception. The invitations read something like, "Lauren + Willie will be married in a private ceremony on April 10, 2010. Please join us for a celebration of their vows at time/place/location." Then, for the folks we wanted at the ceremony (ours was family only) we included a separate card in the envelope letting them know they were included in the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteIt worked out fine. But you have to tell people IN WRITING. And it has to be SPECIFIC. It also helped that our wedding ceremony and the reception were in two different places.
Agreeing with all of this. I've been to one of these. The guests were invited to "celebrate the marriage" and there was a separate insert saying "Bride and Groom were married in a private ceremony..."
DeleteThat's a good way to do it. Also seems key that yours was family only. That's an easy dividing line for people to understand. But if you invite SOME friends and not others, it starts getting messy....
DeleteYes, it was the source of much debate when we were wedding planning, but there is no way the historical chapel where we got married would've held all of our guests. So we just went FAMILY ONLY. No one seemed to be offended by that in the least.
DeleteIt sounds like perhaps she wants a small ceremony because the specific location at the venue she's using won't hold everybody? That kind of makes even douchier; I didn't hear any mention of "she wants a small ceremony" but rather, "she wants to get married on the balcony, which won't fit everybody." Is this for photos or something? On the face of it, it seems pretty shallow.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend and I are having a small (maybe just us) ceremony a couple of weeks before our "party" because we're both be pretty uncomfortable doing such an intimate thing in front of so many people. But we're making it very clear to everyone invited that this is what we're doing (vaguely on the invitation, explicitly on the website, and through word of mouth). Initially, we were going to do it the day of much before guests arrived, but 1) it seemed too complicated and 2) I didn't want friends being around helping set up last minute and then me say, "Well, we'll be tying the knot over there. Keep setting up and don't mind us!" I'd also feel pretty shitty if somebody was super excited for the ceremony and found out midway through the party that it had already happened and they weren't invited. Buzz kill.
I've been to two weddings like this, but one was LDS. The LDS wedding is obviously in a different category, since it's part of the religious beliefs. But the other one - while I felt left out, it was better than not being invited at all. But no matter the reason for excluding people from a ceremony and then including them for a reception, it means on some level to decide the guest lists you're passing judgement on how important someone is and people are going to realize that.
ReplyDeletewhen is the wedding, have invites already gone out. another problem (there are many) with this idea is what if the ceremony runs late.. you'll have people awkwardly showing up in the middle thinking they read the time wrong on the invite. just all around bad idea.
ReplyDeleteYea, not at the same location. My coworker had a small ceremony and large reception on the same day but the vows were in Central Park and the reception was way the hell downtown at a restaurant in Tribeca. This worked just fine but I'm sure it would have been confusing and awkward had the ceremony also been at the restaurant.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were the witnesses for two close friends who married at city hall. Then the following weekend they had a big reception at their farm and read their vows to each other in a short "ceremony" to kick things off. They are pretty introverted people, but doing things this way made them feel less nervous about everything because they were already married. The best part was that no guests felt like they had missed out on anything.
ReplyDeleteThis is nice, and probably the only classy way to pull off the small ceremony/big party thing.
DeleteYeah, we did this, it was totally fine. We had a small ceremony in my parents' backyard, followed by a big-ass party (on the same day!). We made it VERY clear in the invites that the latter part was the reception celebrating the marriage. As far as I know, we had zero confusion about it, no one was miffed, and everyone had a blast partying.
ReplyDeleteBasically - just be straight up about it, and it'll be fine.
I think the issue is if/how you should try to talk your friend out of a flawed wedding concept. Clearly you should be be honest if she asks you, and maybe give her your unsolicited opinion once if she doesn't, but ultimately it's her wedding and she's going to make it weird and awkward if she wants too. It's not the end of the world.
ReplyDeleteWe also did the private ceremony, party later thing and it seemed fine and we got really good feedback about it being an "awesome wedding" (ours was not on the same day, though). We were very clear on the reception invitation that the party was reception only. I've actually been to many other parties like it and I think as long as you are clear that it's a private reception, it's fine! I mean, unless you are doing a full mass the ceremony is so short anyway. And kind of awkward most of the time. Or maybe that's just me.
ReplyDeleteMassive Officiating Vampire, obvs. the bride has to limit ceremony attendance because some guests might be wearing crosses / fresh from a garlicky omelette at brunch / descendants of van helsing.
ReplyDeleteI knew you would know.
DeleteMy hubs and I did just this - we has a small ceremony that was just for family (and friends who are family) and a larger reception/party that evening. We noted this on our wedding site (i used tumblr) and sent out two different invitations accordingly. No one was offended, and many of our party friends actually appreciated NOT being obligated to go to the ceremony. It actually worked out really well.
ReplyDeleteI think that question is about Marriage or Wedding.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's weird to be invited for a wedding without ceremony (maybe because of judeo-christian culture).
In France, lot of people go to the ceremony (civil or in a church) even though they weren't invited (they have just heard of it, or read it because the law said that the marriages have to be published a week before happening).
I think (but I'd understand sb who think different) the marriage is not only something between the couple, but something to the society.
(Sorry for my bad bad bad english)
Sounds like the takeaway from all these comments is that you can pull this kind of thing off, but the key is being explicit on the invitations about what's going on.
ReplyDeleteThe whole "word of mouth" thing puts guests in a horribly awkward position. The ones invited to the ceremony won't know what to say about this to their friends who weren't invited. Everyone will be uncomfortable. Don't put guests in that position. Be explicit about the details.
This can totally be pulled off, but "word of mouth" has clusterfuck written all over it.
ReplyDeleteI still want to know what MOV means.
ReplyDeleteYep, I'm still checking this comment thread in hopes that it will be revealed. My curiosity has been piqued.
DeleteA good friend of my parents did similar for her wedding. They had their wedding on a massive property and had a little greet/ brunch picnic. then eventually the friend and her hubby went down the hill with the officiant and had a private ceremony and came back for a full out party reception.
ReplyDeletei think like others said it just has to be in writing. they were very upfront about what the plan was and told people that they were even more than welcome to watch from atop the hill, but they wanted this special moment to be shared between just them.
what if the V is... a typo?
ReplyDeleteparty pooper
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