Here's the gist:
-Destination wedding in lovely family spot (partially because we didn't want a huge wedding in our mutual hometown).
-Our dream is family + 20ish friends who will actually enjoy the spot and can afford to travel, which would be about 60 people in total.
-F-MIL keeps making passive aggressive comments about how we could just elope to save her money (jokingly, of course...only she's not joking, based on sheer repetition).
-FILs have the money, easily, but just hate spending it on travel/their kids (insert complicated back story- aka we know better than to ask for any help with actual ceremony/dinner, so their costs = their travel & stay).
-However, she is fine spending our money inviting 90 people to our wedding to which she herself does not want to travel (another issue, which I believe I can solve or overlook, given that her friends likely won't travel; she just wants them to be given the option).
Please help me keep a smile on my face and endure the "why-don't-you-elope-and-save-me-some-money" mutterings under her breath. Or help me see the situation differently?
signed,
exhausted Future Daughter-in-law trying to keep the peace
*****
Tell her, "We really are trying to keep things small, so no sweat if you can't make it!"
Photo by Meinke Klein for the Maarten van der Horst Fall 2012 Collection via Fashion Gone Rogue
Photo by Meinke Klein for the Maarten van der Horst Fall 2012 Collection via Fashion Gone Rogue
FMIL issues are a job for Future Husband.
ReplyDeletecorrect!
DeleteAGREED.
DeleteI don't know, I mean... yes, I definitely agree that FH should take the brunt of this and you shouldn't stress or feel the need to take the lead, but you *are* marrying into this family, and dealing with FMIL is not *completely* FH's responsibility. Further, you're going to have an ongoing relationship with her (well, maybe not), so being diplomatic now can go a long way.
DeleteIt sounds like you have 2 parts to this problem: financial and emotional. Lauren's suggestions are awesome for the emotional part, as is "grow a pair." But as for the financial, you guys do need to push back and not let her invite people to an event she's not paying for, *or* ask her to pay for them. This seems like the bigger problem: no way in hell should you guys have to pay for these people AND get her grief about just eloping!
Well done, Good job!
DeleteI'd just like to sympathize that the joking-but-actually-means-it passive agression is the worst. It's just going to grate on your nerves until you eventually freak out at them and they they'll be all like "it was only a joke" like you're the one with the problem. UGH.
ReplyDeleteI like to go with friendly laughter at the funny joke plus a lightherted "yeah...you keep saying that" or "Gertrude, if you keep saying that we're going to think you don't want to come, hahaha." Maybe pointing out that they're making the same "joke" all the time will shame them into stopping.... ?
My husband's whole family is the BEST at "just kidding" until somebody snaps and then shaming that person for "being crazy and unable to take a joke." It's truly maddening. Sorry OP. . .the whole situation is lame. ESB's advice is solid.
DeletePay for the wedding yourselves, so that you don't have to deal with this?
ReplyDeleteThis.
DeleteThey already are.. it says so in her letter...
DeleteShe said they were paying for the wedding. The In-Law's expenses are just their personal travel costs and hotel.
DeleteI would just like to take this golden opportunity to say it makes me INSANE when people don't READ.
DeleteAGREED. Snark really doesn't work if you don't read...
DeleteOops, sorry. I initially interpreted the "we could just elope to save her money" to mean that FMIL was paying for the whole wedding, not just travel expenses. Claws retracted.
DeleteIf she's not paying, she doesn't get to invite 90+ people to your wedding. Your fiance needs to put the kibosh on that nonsense ASAP.
ReplyDeletePrecisely why that's what my FH and I are refusing monetary assistance. We are literally inviting ten people. BOOM DONE.
DeleteNot snarky enough...
ReplyDeleteMolly is right, that's nonsense. He needs to put his foot down and request that she majorly trim that list. He might also suggest that if FMIL wants so badly to give her friends the "option" to celebrate the marriage, she can fund her own hometown party once you return.
ReplyDeleteI've always been confused about how someone other than the bride or groom actually invites people to a wedding...
ReplyDeleteDo they steal invitations? Print their own version? Do they just do a verbal invite (and do people go to a wedding based on a verbal invite from someone other than bride or groom)?
Man, good question! I didn't even think of that. Bizarre.
DeleteMy mother did this. She calls people on the phone, tells them about the wedding. She invites them or they invite themselves. Invitations are sent, and tthe uninvited place probing calls for about a month. Then they never speak to you again. The end.
DeleteYup, verbal invites are totally a thing. A very, very annoying thing.
DeleteGood to know! Awkward all around.
Deletedo you know any first-generation asians? they probably have dealt with that. i know i did. people just inviting themselves and extended family inviting other people. it's weird! at my small/destination wedding, i had a feeling this might happen, so luckily a lot of people i actually invited couldn't make it and only a handful of randoms showed up.
Deletealso, asians don't RSVP and they have no problem changing numbers on the number YOU put on the RSVP.
i know this might all sound racist against my own race, but seriously, i know i am NOT the only asian this has happened to.
grow a set?
ReplyDeleteSympathy. Also, their problem and not yours. If they have weird feelings spending money on their children for whatever reason, then this is all about that and not about you.
ReplyDeleteDeep breaths.
I also agree this should be dealt with by FH. As in, "mother, please stop saying that, it's upsetting" or something.
I've always wondered this...but how effective are these FH at handling their mothers to stop?
ReplyDeleteESB's advice is dead on! When you plan a destination wedding you have to be ok with the fact that some of the people you invite may not be able to make it. Even if that means the groom's parents because they're too cheap. And that's how I'd say it to FMIL - maybe without calling her cheap.
ReplyDeleteBe direct–or ask your FH to be direct–and give your FILs the chance to explain themselves or apologize. "Mom, that joke isn't helpful, and makes us feel like you aren't excited about our wedding...is that your intention?" Lay it on the line...sometimes people are just blind to how they're making others feel.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one thought it looked like she wet the bed because her coat lining is slightly darker than the sheets?
ReplyDeleteThat was my first thought. I initially wondered if the post was about peeing on a wedding dress.
DeleteYup. Looks like she is getting her diaper changed.
DeleteI'm so pleased I'm not the only one.
DeleteYes to whoever said "please stop saying that, it's upsetting". Be direct! And DO NOT invite those 90 people if you don't want to.
ReplyDelete