Dear ESB,
My fiance and I are often incredibly bored at weddings, especially when the only people we really know are the bride and/or groom. You see, we don't really enjoy dancing. (Though, oddly, I grew up studying ballet rather rigorously.) So we end up parking at a table like the elderly family members.
Now that we're engaged and starting to plan the basic framework of our wedding, the question of dancing at the reception is coming into play. While initially my fiance was on board with my no-dancing declaration, he has since back pedaled, claiming that this is "just what people do." When I asked my fiance if he wanted to dance at our wedding, he was very adamant that he didn't. Yet, we are still discussing it.
So I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to think of something else for our guests to do. Other than the standard "mingling," how do we occupy our guests so they don't feel awkward or bored themselves? And if we can't come up with anything, how do I stop my guests from dragging me onto the dance floor all night without being snippy or rude?
*****
DO YOU WANT TO BE BORED AT YOUR OWN WEDDING?
fuck dancing. give em cocktails, they'll be fine.
Titania Inglis via I'm Revolting via La Petite Magazine
Have a breakfast or daytime wedding and no one will expect dancing.
ReplyDeleteSecond that. We're having a brunch wedding with stations. Lots of getting up and moving around, plenty of mimosas and bloody marys, I figure people will have a good time. We're also doing the iPod thing (would my fiance would ever give up creative control over a party playlist? as if) so no DJ with a crazy-loud sound system.
DeleteDaytime weddings are also way cheaper without looking cheap.If we didn't want dancing (and trusted our guests to get there by 11am) we would've done brunch reception at a restaurant.
Deleteafternoon wedding + cocktail/heavy apps reception and no dancing will be required.
ReplyDeleteIf your guest list is small enough you could have your ceremony and reception at a great restaurant...that way the reception part would be focused on the meal, and no one would miss the dancing at all! Plus, you could still have a great set up for toasts, speeches, other things you might want to include...
ReplyDeleteIt all depends on the venue. A sit-down dinner at a restaurant without extra floor space will mean no dancing vs. having a reception in a large banquet hall.
ReplyDeleteFuck dancing if it's not your thing. And I don't think you have to have a daytime wedding, either. If there isn't a dance floor and you play background music the whole time? People will get that you're going for "cocktail party" and chill the eff out/enjoy. Hell, some people will probably be relieved!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I find it kind of depressing when I'm at weddings with an dance floor that is mostly empty because the bride(s)/groom(s) don't want to dance. I'd much, much rather attend a wedding where the couple was totally in their element.
Think about, like, work holiday parties (if yours are actually fun). As long as you are in a small space (like not in some big spread-out ballroom), you'll be good. Here are some tips and ideas, though:
ReplyDelete- I find the idea of having a sit-down dinner THEN mingling kind of awkward. Like I wouldn't know what to do or when to leave. What if you did ceremony > mingling > dinner + dessert > like, one last drink > bride + groom exit (I love a good exit but they often don't fit into the timing well).
- maybe having it at a gallery or some other type of space with natural movement and stuff to do.
- If you DO want to do a day wedding, I've always found this image* super inspiring (they hiked to the wedding through the morning fog, carrying lanterns).
* ESB: I clicked the link and it went to, like, image one of a gallery. Otherwise I wouldn't have linked to Pinterest.
My fiance doesn't dance. We are having a band play at our wedding, so that people can sit and watch/listen if they choose, or dance if they choose. I expect to dance a little myself, but would rather spend more time talking to people I haven't seen in years...
ReplyDeletemaybe if you are doing an outdoor thing you can have games? we had a cornhole tournament (with brackets and all) the night before our wedding and everyone loved it. i also think brunch/lunch works with no dancing, or finding a space where dancing doesn't really fit (e.g. restaurant or gallery)
ReplyDeleteI had a friend do this. They played Scrabble a lot, so they used vintage board games as part of their centerpieces, stacked around beautiful pots of flowers. After dinner, everyone grabbed the games and it was a blast! It was a great way to get people to mingle and talk, and really encouraged people to interact with people they didn't know.
DeleteJust please tell us your wedding is not in a ballroom.
ReplyDeleteHA. Exactly!
DeleteGames! Party games, board games, treasure hunt, quiz...
ReplyDeleteNeither my husband or I dance, ever. It's just not our thing. We had a fairly run of the mill sort of wedding, 70 ish guests, sit down dinner in a 'country house hotel' sort of place (I'm in the uk here) and then the evening everyone sprawled out into the comfy chairs in the bar. There was no set aside place for dancing, which helped enormously as noone was expecting it.
ReplyDeleteNeither of our families see each other often so they all spent the evening catching up, they'll entertain themselves. Might be worth having a few games for the kids if you want, but really, they will sort themselves out! Food drink and friends is all you need to provide :)
"There was no set aside place for dancing, which helped enormously as noone was expecting it" - this. If there is no dancefloor, you can have music playing without, I would think, your guests looking around in a confused fashion wondering where they are supposed to dance.
DeleteAnd those who [get drunk and] feel an uncontrolable urge to dance can do so whereever.
fuck cocktails. give them a bunch of mustaches on sticks.
ReplyDelete;-)
and a photo booth. obviously.
ReplyDelete;-) ;-)
If you're not going to have dancing, you need to have lots and lots of places to sit, and lots and lots of treats to eat (and drink!).
ReplyDeleteIf you're outside, then lawn games (horseshoe toss, petanque) are great during daylight hours. A photobooth (DIY is pretty easy) with lots and lots of dress-ups will keep people busy after nightfall (don't forget a blank album for people to stick the photos in as a guestbook).
I feel like the bride and groom often don't dance much at weddings anyway, because they're so busy catching up with people.
At our afternoon wedding, we had cocktails/appetizers and played games out in the lawn before dinner (which we already owned or asked some friends to bring). We also had a table full of board games inside because it was mid July and sometimes you just freaking need AC. People had lots of fun and having the games meant there was a lot more mingling between groups of friends.
ReplyDeleteI think most people have nailed this, but if you dislike improvisational dancing in particular and are Scottish (so I guess this is a pretty narrow range) then maybe a ceilidh. Husband and I are crappy dancers, and excellent drinkers, so we had a ceilidh band and accidentally missed all but one of the dances because we were busy chatting and drinking and wandering off and nobody noticed / cared.
ReplyDeleteBy the time the ceilidh finished it was just our drunk college friends that wanted to dance to the ipod mix. Are we lame? maybe. Did it work? Yep.
I agree that the space you choose makes a big difference to what people will expect - no dancefloor? no dancing.
You've gotten some great advice here.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I would add, based on non-dancing weddings I've attending, is that they do tend to be shorter due to people leaving earlier. Some people will love standing around catching up, but others won't have many people to talk to and will leave early. Just wanted to point that out so you're prepared and not disappointed if people head out early (or you might want people to leave early!). Some of the game ideas that others have suggested could prevent that though.
I second the board games! It's a good idea for weddings anyway, since some people don't care for dancing or can't because of health/mobility issues.
ReplyDeleteha! I too grew up as a ballet dancer, and when it came time to plan our wedding, we opt'd out of dancing. My hubby does not dance, nor do our families. Nothing against it, just doesn't really happen. So, speaking from experience the above advice is spot on. I would highly recommend games/coloring/etc for the kids. We also did the slide show thing (this was 6 years ago) but we had it on a loop off to the side by the dessert buffet, so folks could look if they wanted but it wasn't a huge ordeal. And yes!! Expect it to be shorter.
ReplyDeleteWe had a night picnic wedding with music but no dancing, and games. The kids liked the games and bubbles and stuff, but the adults just hung out with each other, made friends and caught up. It made me feel more comfortable having games just in case folks seemed bored, but they ended up being unnecessary. Also, we had about 100 folks there, and people left between their kids' bedtimes and 5am.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to limit yourself to a small guest list or certain time of day, but it might be helpful to have a less structured reception--no seating chart, informal venue, etc.--so that people can feel more free to move around and hang out with the folks they want to.
Our evening wedding was AWESOME. We danced for about 10 minutes before we got a little bored of it and broke out Cards Against Humanity instead. There were easily about 15-20 people playing a horrible game for horrible people and being HORRIBLE. IT WAS THE BEST DAY!
ReplyDeletelet them dance, you don't have to.
ReplyDeletei did NOT want to do first dance, ather/daughter, son/mother, etc. AT ALL. and yet somehow my & his family convinced me to, and it was awful and awkward. least favorite wedding moment.
p.s. if i were to go to a wedding with GAMES i would dip out of there ASAP never stop mocking it for the rest of my life. i've never thought of anything more awful, ever. holy shit.
ReplyDeleteAw, mean girl got all in a tizzy.
DeleteQuestioner:
Lawn games and board games sound fun- especially with mimosas or some other kind of fruity brunch drink. People don't have to play if they don't want to.
As someone who loves dancing, I would be disappointed in a no dancing wedding and would certainly leave early. That said, it's your day (and I'm not your guest), so do what you want. I think lawn games (and an afternoon wedding) are much better than board games (and I actually really love board games). The problem with most board games is that they tend to have a person limit and so there are always people feeling left out. That, and some people (me) get super competitive and ruin the atmosphere, which is not what you want at your wedding.
ReplyDelete"As someone who loves dancing, I would be disappointed in a no dancing wedding and would certainly leave early."
Deletecertainly? really? you just wanna DANCE?!
please.
certainly? really? you're confused by people who like to dance?
DeleteI'm just being honest (and a lot of people above noted that guests tend not to hang around as long at dance-free weddings). If I just want to stand around and talk with the bride or groom I'll do it when there aren't 100 of their other favorite people around. And if I'm going to just stand around and talk with other guests I'll do it over coffee when I'm not wearing uncomfortable heels. And if I'm going to just stand around and talk with my husband I'll do it at home over dinner. So . . . why bother? I understand that some people don't like dancing and love cocktail party atmospheres, but I don't like cocktail party atmospheres.
Of course I have never actually been to a dance-free wedding. Because I don't have any close friendships with people who don't like to dance.
meh, whatever gets you all excited and categorical I guess, Mike.
DeleteLOL @ "don't have any close friendships with people who don't like to dance." I find that hard to believe. Unless you only have a handful of friends.
DeleteAgree with Sarah completely. @anon920: people generally have <15 "close friendships" so. . .not weird at all if they're all dancing types.
Deletenot one person was a wallflower at my wedding. every. single. person. danced.
Deletethats what you do. the tradition is as old as time- back to us barefoot & half naked stomping to drum beats.
fucking introverts.
"that's what you do. The tradition is as old as time"
DeleteOh, well then, we ALL HAVE TO DO IT STILL.
I was tired and crabby earlier (and sad nobody got my dazed and confused reference) but really it was the tone that got me rather than the dance/no dance thing - that someone would be 'disappointed in' your wedding because you didn't join the rest of the Internet in just wanting it to be a big massive dance party omg! Because otherwise "why bother?" - sad. And a little bratty.
We had a dance-free seated brunch with a fantastic jazz playlist because not even getting married could make me want to dance. We spent a lot of time on our seating chart trying to put people we thought would hit it off or would want to catch up together and nearly everyone stayed to the bitter end.
ReplyDeleteWe also invited the under-40 set to a bar later in the evening and those who needed a dance fix got it while I stood in a corner nursing my drink because it was still my day, dammit.
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ReplyDeleteWhy do you need to ask? As if ESB or anyone here are going to say "NO, you MUST have dancing, it's tradition!!!!!"
ReplyDeleteBe confident in your decisions.
the lawn game advocates are all new england wasps, i take it? at the lamest wedding i've been to, the bride & groom were all about the "lawn games"- it looked like a poorly styled jcrew advertisement. boring.
ReplyDeleteWord. Plus it's not a birthday party-- most guests are adults, one shouldn't have to think of activities to entertain them anymore than you would at, say, a cocktail party.
DeleteIf you hate dancing, don't have dancing. Just make sure that your wedding is at either a place or a time that wouldn't be conducive to dancing so that people don't get all confused.
ReplyDeleteI will admit that I would probably leave a dance-free wedding early, mostly because I'm not a huge fan of mingling or small talk. But if there were other fun activities, or perhaps comfy places to sit, maybe I wouldn't. Hard to say. But big deal! I'm sure that the people who left my wedding early were people who *didn't* like to dance. I got over it.
my mother fretted daily about our danceless reception up until the big day, "won't people get bored????" they weren't bored at all- we fed them great food and cocktails and they chatted up a storm the entire time- it felt like a big family dinner (EXACTLY what we wanted). we didn't toss a bouquet, garter or partake in any other typical reception traditions. not for us at all- and our guests actually thanked us for it!
ReplyDeleteThere was no dancing at our reception, it just felt like a cocktail party. Which was exactly what we wanted! Just have plenty of booze and some music that isn't inherently danceable (we had a piano player doing some low key music in the background). Presumably it'll be people who are excited to either meet for the first time or to see each other-- so there's plenty of talking to be done. I'm with you-- dancing at weddings isn't the best, I like catching up with folks from out of town. And your pals can go out dancing later if they want.
ReplyDeleteI should mention it was at night and went into the wee hours.
DeleteI LOVE to dance and I kind of regret that I basically spent my entire reception rocking it on the dancefloor and forgot to chat to people. But hell it was my wedding and I was doing what I loved! I recommend you do what you love too. I had the very best day ever and this is the only tiny regret I have
ReplyDeleteI was really worried about being bored at my own wedding and our guests being bored too given that I'm always bored when I go to any wedding.
ReplyDeleteWe did have dancing at ours although not much because it was CRAZY hot.
I will say that you shouldn't let it be silent, that'd be weird. Make sure to have SOME sort of music or noise in the background!
And if you want to let everyone dance, absolutely no one will try to MAKE YOU dance if you don't let them. While everyone was dancing at our wedding I went to each table and made sure to talk with each guest for a little while. We joked, had conversations, I introduced different family members. I was SO busy mingling that there was hardly time for me to dance! And everyone said it was THE most fun they've ever had at a wedding. (But they could be lying.)
Overall, make sure your guests are interacting with each other, that you're interacting with them, and it can be a great, fun time, whether or not there's dancing.
(although we had a father/daughter dance and a couple's first dance, and I ABHORRED it. THE most awkward thing I've ever done.)
I'm an incredible wedding dancer and would find a way to dance at your wedding. I won't be going; but be warned, someone like me might be there.
ReplyDeleteSaw an awesome outdoors wedding where very late in the evening they put out rugs and cushions, set up a projector and played their favourite films. Allows people to continue chatting, or just hang out without feeling awkward x
ReplyDeleteTo elaborate on the outdoor film, here is a little post I did on the idea a while back
ReplyDeletehttp://everythingisbetterinheels.blogspot.ca/2010/12/last-night-i-started-thinking-about.html