I never thought of myself as one of those brides who would get myself into a situation that I would need your advice. Turns out, this sh*t is hard!
I am from a small town in East Texas, moved to the big city of Austin, met a man, and left small town life behind. Now that we're planning a smallish wedding here in Austin, my complicated family life that I thought I left behind is coming back to bite me. You see my mother and step father were married most of my life, my mother passed away when I was 20. I have since distanced myself from my step family, mostly because of my asshole step dad.
It has always been my dream to have a small wedding with just very close friends and family. In order to do this, we are only including family that we see on a regular basis and that have been instrumental in our lives. Hence the step family just did not make the cut.
Now, my mother's wonderful group of girlfriends are coming together to give me and FH a shower/engagement party type celebration in my hometown. I am so grateful to these women for still thinking of me enough to to this. However, being form a small town the hostesses are friendly with my step family and will surely be discussing the upcoming party with them. It's not that I don't want them to come to the shower, only that I have heard that you should never invite people to a shower that you do not invite to the wedding. I have thought of calling them up and letting them know that our wedding is going to be very small, but we would still love the opportunity to celebrate with them by having them at the shower.
I am complete ogre when it comes to social etiquette. I am rarely offended by anything, therefore have a tendency to offend others unknowingly. Is it horribly tacky to invite people to a shower/wedding related party who are not going to be invited to the wedding?
Social Piranha
*****
Yes.
Photo by Diana Scheunemann via Franziska HOLZER
This sh*t IS hard! I'm going to offer you an out - which most people will probably disagree with.
ReplyDeleteI, too, moved away from my small town, have historical family drama, and am having a small wedding states away. My sister-in-law and mother insisted on having a shower for me in my hometown and insisted on inviting extended family that weren't invited to the wedding.
At the end of the day, I stopped fighting it - although it was for me it was THEIR shower and they couldn't imagine throwing a party and not inviting them. I justified it to myself by realizing I'm not the one throwing the party. I also plan on coming back and having a post-wedding BBQ and inviting that family to that (which I was considering anyway, but the shower cemented it).
Does the shower, and quite frankly the post-wedding BBQ, look like a gift grab to some? Yes. And a high percentage of the extended family RSVP'd no to the shower, possibly because of that. But the ones that came seemed genuinely happy to be there and to have the chance to meet my fiancé. And I know my reason for doing it was to make the hosts happy and their feelings are the ones I cared about, more than the extended family I don't get along with and will probably only see a few more times in my life.
The etiquette is bad, but the sentiment is good. If this is really important to your mom's friends, pick the one that matters most to you.
Speaking from my own experience, as being invited to a shower when not attending the wedding: don't put them through this. I's awkwkard, and leaves the non-guests with a feeling of 'BUT WHY?!' (even when they understood before the shower why they were not invited...)
ReplyDeleteare the women who are throwing you the shower invited to the wedding?
ReplyDeletedon't do it.
ReplyDeleteYou need to give your wedding invitation list to your shower hosts. It's definitely rude to invite anyone to a shower that's not invited to the wedding.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I thought doing this was par for the course. To, ya know, avoid this kind of stupid shit.
DeleteI'm thinking you should invite the step-family to the wedding. It solves the hometown shower predicament and I bet they won't come since there hasn't been much contact and it's quite a schlep to Austin. One of those 'well, that was sweet of her' things.
ReplyDeleteUnless all these people are really truly terrible or there are 50 of them, I think extending an invite is the way to go. Your step-dad may be an asshole, but it sounds like he watched you grow up; if he decided to attend I bet he would behave appropriately.
Oh, and ditto ESB et al. Totally rude to invite people to a shower and not the wedding. A party or BBQ where the focus is more on celebrating than gift-giving ... maaaaaaybe. But everyone invited to a shower needs an invite to the wedding. Or don't have a shower. It's OK to say thanks but no thanks to your mom's friends. Good luck!
DeleteAs someone with a complicated family life, I don't agree with this at all, and I don't think it is what the OP asked for advice on. Making a decision to leave family or family-like people out of the wedding is really hard, and the "he's your (step) father" argument isn't a good enough reason to have someone you truly deeply don't like or have worked hard to get out of your life (which it sounds like you have) at your wedding.
Delete"if he decided to attend I bet he would behave appropriately."
Deletebased on....?
Yeah, it's not your place to give this type of advice, since she's already made this particular decision. It's tacky to presume knowledge ("I bet he would behave appropriately") about a complicated situation you know nothing about. Stick to the actual question at hand.
DeleteBased on the fact that most grown adults can compose themselves for a few hours of social interaction. She said he was an asshole, not a drug addict or an alcoholic or child molester or some other way more problematic issue. She can do whatever the fuck she wants, but she wrote to strangers on the internet for advice and that's mine based on what I read. OP said It's not that I don't want them to come to the shower but you can't have it both ways and then not invite them to the wedding (or you can, but it's completely rude. Especially in small town south). I did also answer the etiquette question but I guess y'all didn't read that part.
DeleteOh my God, Sara, I can tell you are a totally insufferable human. Injecting advice where it isn't wanted or needed, and in spite of the fact that the OP doesn't want these people at her wedding. THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE. FOCUS ON THE ISSUE. And then, my favorite part: you end your comment with the most disappointingly flat, faux-quip about us not reading your comment. We read your comment. We hate your comment. You are bad at being snarky or helpful. Stop it.
DeleteYes, because if he's a molester or alcoholic or something else painful to her, it is her responsibility to tell us that while asking for advice on something not about him. Right.
DeleteThank you, Shiri. Exactly.
DeleteNo.
DeleteWow, people. I honestly was not trying to step on the toes of anybody with complicated family history. A lot of us have it (including me... surprise!). It just sounded to me like maybe she wanted some of her step-family there for the shower, and in my book it follows that they would need to be invited to the wedding (based on the question re: tackiness). I wouldn't invite the step-family without inviting the step-dad, so it all linked up in my mind. Who's to say her decision is set in stone anyhow?
DeleteNone of you know any more details than I do, so let's move along without namecalling and the like. If you disagree, fine. I disagree with the people who think it isn't tacky to invite somebody to a shower and not the wedding. But I am not insulting those people. My intentions were good, and I apologize if I honestly offended OP or any of you.
Holy shit. Anon 11:36 needs to chill the fuck out.
DeleteI've gone to showers, engagement parties, bachelorette parties etc... when I have not been invited to the wedding. Maybe it's tacky but it is certainly done on a regular basis. I think it depends on your relationship with the couple. I didn't get upset by any of the slights, but they didn't get much of a present besides like a $30 target gift card. And no one got upset with me for not getting them something awesome. That's been my experience but I know people have very specific ideas about weddings, so judge your situation. If you think people are going to react badly and hold grudges then maybe its easier to not invite them to anything if you're dead set on having the small wedding.
ReplyDeleteI feel terrible for you for being invited to a bachelorette when you weren't invited to the wedding! that's a big faux pas
DeleteBut she could have declined and didn't. She chose to go to these events knowing she wasn't invited to the wedding. Weddings are expensive! I know an engaged woman who probably won't invite me to her wedding but I would still love to celebrate with her. To each her own of course, but no one forces anyone to go to anything.
DeleteExactly. That particular wedding was across country in the brides small home town in the middle of nowhere. This is someone that I'm friends with but not close enough to, to fly 3,000 miles for just for a weekend. If I had been invited I wouldn't have gone anyway. But I'm still close enough that I was happy for the couple and down for a night out. It really depends on the relationship. Having been through the wedding planning, I understand that you can't invite every single person you know and I didn't take any of those non-invites personally. I know this wouldn't be the same with everyone.
DeleteMy future in-laws are hosting an engagement party for me and my honeybadger, and they totally invited people who won't be invited to the wedding (groomsmens' parents and the like)... Nobody I consulted about the propriety of that thought it was a problem, but then again no gifts are expected.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I figure they're very sweetly hosting the party- they can invite who they want. As we are pretty much hosting the wedding ourselves, we have to be pretty brutal about the guest list. At least this way we have an excuse to visit with a few people who live 100s of miles from the wedding location without feeling like we're obligating them to travel for the big do.
aw yisssssssssssssss honeybadger. Don't give a shit!!
DeleteOf course it's not a problem. . . Honey badger don't give a shit!!:))
DeleteHA I seriously call him that. He does give quite a few shits in fact, but the pet name does apply in this particular situation. One can really only give so many shits, really.
Deletemy (future) inlaws did the same thing-and at first I was like "shit, people are going to think we are so rude inviting them to this, and not the wedding." But after talking to my mom, who is super old-school about etiquette and it didn't bother her, I felt better. It was their party, they got to invite who they wanted, and our wedding is thankfully out of town.
DeleteI am confused as to why you would even want them at the shower if you don't want them at the wedding.
ReplyDeleteJust give the hostess your guest list and a head's up that the steps aren't invited to the wedding. She should take the hint.
Having gone through this, ESB is right, it is tacky and it's just awkward. Even if the step family isn't offended, it's still awkward for other people because they don't know what to say at the shower or about the wedding. I imagine the conversation going something like this:
ReplyDelete"Hi my name is X, how do you know the bride?"
"Oh my father was married to her mother a few years ago"
"Oh that's nice, did you grow up together?"
"Kinda"
"Did you see the invitations? Weren't they cute?"
"Oh I'm not invited to the wedding"
whomp whomp whomp.
A lot of other comments have said just to give the hostess a heads up. I think that's wise. You won't be able to control what the hostess says or even who she invites (if she's hosting I'm assuming she's paying, and I hate to be the one that says those who pay get a say in the conversation). That way if she DOES invite them (unlikely), you can just wipe your hands clean of the situation. If you really can't stand the idea of them possibly showing up, and it bothers you - I would just say that you cancel the shower.
Question: If you're having a destination wedding, is it tacky to invite people to a wedding shower that were invited but cannot make it to the wedding???
ReplyDeleteNo, and in fact some people might like the option to celebrate locally even if they don't want to or can't shell out $$$ and vacation time involved in going to a destination wedding.
DeleteBut they have to be *invited* to the actual wedding.
That's what I was thinking. thanks for your input!
DeleteSome of my extended family and my Mom's co-workers asked to be invited to my bridal shower, even though they knew they were not invited to the wedding. I thought it was really weird, but after a while I stopped protesting and said "whatever you want Mom." I still think that some folks who weren't invited to the wedding but were shower attendees were miffed they weren't invited to the big day, but they really wanted to be included in some way and the shower gave them that opportunity.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I come from a small town and a huge family and my Mom insisted "people do it all the time." Maybe the bounds of Emily Post don't stretch that far North :).
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI was invited to the shower and the wedding for a girl who was not going to invite me to the wedding (she then ended up upping her guest list and I was invited).
ReplyDeleteDespite being close friends with her, wanting to celebrate with her, understanding space/cost restrictions and feeling happy for her, I also felt kind of annoyed at being invited to gift giving parties but not the actual event. I suppose people don't have to give gifts at showers- but it would have been pretty damn awkward to be the one without something.
My vote is to keep the guest list for surrounding wedding events to the wedding guests.
Ugh. I had this fight with my mother in law. She wanted to invite people to the shower who weren't coming to the ceremony. I said NO. Shitstorm ensued.
ReplyDeleteBut you know - I stood firm, and REALLY glad I did. Because that shit is just RUDE.
Question- is it rude at a shower because of the expectation of gifts? If that's the thing, why not cut gifts out of the equation and think of it as a party for your hometown family/friends that won't be attending the wedding? Curious about the etiquette of this.
ReplyDeleteI think it's both for the gifts - AND for the fact that some people will be talking about the (upcoming) wedding, while others who were not invited will feel left out and potentially hurt. It makes your guests feel uncomfortable and awkward - which in general is a hosting no-no.
DeleteI was confused by this letter. Is the dilemma whether to invite the step-family to the shower, or the nice group of women to the wedding?
ReplyDeleteIn response to the former - don't invite the step-family to the shower and pass the message on to anyone organising it. Easy.
I agree with anonymous 5:34, why not say ok to a BBQ or "party" but request no gifts? We got married in our hometown which is 750 miles from the town where we live currently. A local friend wanted to throw us a shower, which I thought was sweet but I felt weird about the gifts. So we said no gifts. Problem solved.
ReplyDeleteShare your guest list with people hosting parties in your honour! Then they're not the ones who end up looking like an idiot when they invite people to a shower that aren't invited to the wedding!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have family members who have said and done horrible things to other members...and continue to do so to this day, but we're inviting every single sorry last one of them. Let them fight it out themselves if they're gonna go or not. If they don't come to anything it's their choice and you're not looking like an ahole.
Its social pariah, not pirhana. I don't know if that was intentional, but damn it bothered me.
ReplyDeleteHA. I just noticed that. Hilarious. I love malapropisms.
DeleteI assumed intentional. . .Hmmmm. . .now I'm curious!
Delete"Social Piranha" makes me think of a piranha at a wine and cheese party. Or book club. Which is pretty great, I think.
Deletepretty sure it was intentional.
DeleteYeah, because Urban Dictionary is a really credible resource.
DeleteWell as evidence for people using a particular phrase, a list full of websites...with people using that phrase..is...I don't get your issue anon 9.30, I mean, I doubt anyone is claiming the phrase is used in academic discourse, you know?
Deleteyou can tell people "no gifts" all day but some people are still going to bring you a gift or money for a shower
ReplyDeleteOh I don't think it's that big a deal - you don't like these guys that much anyway, right? The polite thing to do is explain to your step-fam that the wedding is small therefore no invite (which I think most ESB-ers are down with), explain this to the shower-throwers and let them have at it, do what they wish. I would let go of trying to control what other people really ^want* to do.
ReplyDeleteBut also say no gifts. At all of these nonsense things: bridal shower (you get wedding gifts right?), baby shower...all that grubby, grubbing crap that we are supposed to buy in to being entitled to. Of course people may give you gifts anyway, but that's them exercising their agency, not you implying it is compulsory in attendance.