Dear ESB,
I'm unsure as to what my role is in "encouraging" and "supporting" my FH. We've been together for a long time (7 years) and are pretty relaxed and trusting with each other. When we finally decided to get married, I was under the assumption that we would continue communicating to our family the way we had always been. He talks to his family and makes decisions around his family, and I talk to my family and make decisions about my family. Specifically about who is invited and being realistic about maybe some rocky relationships. We decided to split it- his family will have 40 slots and my family will have 40 slots. Very diplomatic in my view.
Now, this doesn't mean that I'm not friendly with his family- I am, but I never knew that weddings bring out the worst in people- often times... your family. My future MIL has been hounding me about who we are inviting from his side. I keep telling her that is something that FH will ultimately decide and she should discuss the matter with him. I thought I handled the matter pretty well, and my FH knows that this will be a touchy subject so I think he's prepped.
But then came the bridal party question. Who will be in the bridal party?
We have been together for so long, and have so many friends that have seen us through different points in our lives that we have approached the bridal party in the same way that we approached the guest list - equal number, and autonomy- I will pick my group and he will pick his. Now I'm sorry if I go back and forth in timeline, but it helps to explain this situation. FH was in the military and deployed several times to several hot zones- hence he's pretty close to his military friends. He also has a brother that he's friendly with, and they're.... "close," but if FH has an emotional problem, he's not going to call him. And he has a best friend that he's very close to, who I have grown close to over the years too. He is that close that we wouldn't consider a wedding without him.
FH has made a decision for a bridal party of 3, but has not picked the best man. Future MIL has been demanding that I influence FH's decision to making his brother his best man. I am honestly trying to be impartial, but I can't deny that I would feel more like the best man should be his best friend. He knows us as a couple, has grown with us... and frankly he's a better speaker (best man speech), more responsible (I know he won't lose the rings) and would be able to support FH better (for whatever FH would need support for).
However, I know that it's traditional that if you have a brother you make it your brother, and the brother did make my FH best man at his wedding. I have been telling future MIL that it's not my call, and that it's something FH will have to decide and that I will support whatever decision makes him happy but she's pretty insistent that I speak to him.
I feel like a broken record, but I'm wondering if I should be more firm and tell her to back off. I have told FH about this, and he has spoken to her. He's actually been pretty clear with her that it's not my call and that he will make the decision and he's still thinking about it. But it's like it's going in one ear and out the other.
I'm really trying to be inclusive with her, and keep her updated and involved (she has no daughters and she really wants to be involved in our lives) but if she's going to be this pushy over everything... I'd rather just give her the invitation, say "show up" and keep her as far away from the plans as possible. If FH wants to update her, then he can, but communication with me will be done.
Or am I completely in the wrong? Should I be encouraging him to pick his brother? Something about that seems.... wrong, but I recognize that I could be biased.
What do you think?
Thanks,
Trying to be a diplomatic bride
*****
a) you're right, this is not your decision to make, b) your FMIL needs to step the fuck off, and c) YOUR FH NEEDS TO FUCKING PICK SOMEONE ALREADY. or: pick no one. there's no reason he has to have a best man.
Teresa Oman by Jason Lee Parry for Human Being Journal via Fashion Gone Rogue
Exactly. He can have Best Men. plural.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're doing a really good job already but your patience is being tried. Just carry on doing a good job of redirecting to FH - and making sure he communicates as well. Mad people will carry on being mad no matter what you do.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, two best men?
Seems a little awkward to have two best men and then only one groomsman... I would go with no best man with the understanding to the Best Friend that he is (in your eyes) the best man.
ReplyDeleteSucks to be dealing with a demanding MIL, but you sound like you are doing a good job. I would keep trying and not cut her off just yet, just keep those boundaries strong.
I had a Matron of Honor (sister), Maid of Honor (best friend) and bridesmaid (friend). No one blinked. My DH had co-best men. If that's what keeps the peace and your FH is fine with it, it's a workable option. Sounds like you are handling things the right way and yes, your FH should just go ahead and pick someone.
DeleteUgh, why does mothers + weddings = CRAZYTOWN? Will we all end up like this one day? I can't imagine caring who my child picks as best man.
ReplyDeleteAnyway — be firm with her that you are no longer discussing it with her or him (in a nice way, but firm), as it is really neither of your businesses.
Then yes, tell you fiance to make a decision already, no matter what it is. Then tell him to explain his decision to his mother, and tell her that's that. And move on... to guest list craziness.
Get used to this kind of back and forth with your families. Weddings= everyone has an opinion about how things should be done, and they WILL share their opinions with you! I think they're genuinely trying to be helpful, but many times it is so very not helpful and we wish we could be left to our own decision making in peace.
ReplyDeleteSo, I sympathize with you here but I'm also going to tell you that the way you handle these communications with your families will definitely color your relationship with them going forward. You do not want them to be able to look back and think, "Gee, when we were just trying to help, they were pretty rude to us." And their happy memories of your wedding would be marred by memories of hurt feelings.
SO, proceed with caution and make sure that you firmly stick up for yourselves and your choices in the NICEST and most respectful way possible. Preface things with, "Thank you so much for helping us with this stuff. We appreciate the support and the time and energy you guys are giving us. After a lot of thought, we've decided..."
Basically, be adults and treat others with respect and you'll be OK.
Sometimes it's still surprising to me that these are things adult people care about.
ReplyDeleteUgh. That MIL is giving me a headache.
ReplyDeleteNot exactly what you were asking for advice about but if I were your FH I'd make my bro the best man--to keep the peace and acknowledge that he will always be the brother. Then I'd have a heart to heart with the friend and explain the situation, asking him to give a speech at the rehearsal dinner. You don't need a title to support someone--people will pretty much behave as they normally would. This way everyone's happy.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to pressure what decision ne makes, bbut he needs to make a damn decision. Probably like yesterday.
I think you're doing a great a job in an annoying situation. Have you tried redirecting her? Can you give her a project to take care of, something you personally don't care too much about (flowers or something), and then make a really big deal about how much help you need and how important it is? "Yeah, sorry, I still don't know what John's decided about the Best Man thing. So tell me what you found out about the callas!"
ReplyDeleteHang in there. When it's all over you will be SO GLAD you kept things calm and friendly with her.
I'm in the co-best men or no best men camp.
ReplyDeletesorry, I realise that isn't the question. erm, what I mean is it doesn't matter - he should just pick already so you aren't caught in the middle!
DeleteUm, why doesn't he make the best friend another groomsman and the brother the best man. Best friend can give a speech, brother can have the official title (he won't lose the rings!) and give a short speech too if he wants. Everybody wins. Why the hell people feel the need for symmetrical bridal parties is beyond me. Seriously! It doesn't matter. Friends don't come pre-packaged in photo-friendly portions.
ReplyDeletei also feel that you have done a great job in handling this so far. it would be helpful if your fh could make a decision soon. i am wondering, what does his brother think? is it only the mil making a big deal about this? maybe your fh could have a non-dramatic conversation with his brother explaining why he is choosing the best friend. if the brother gives his approval fh can tell mom that the adults have handled this and her assistance is not necessary.
ReplyDeletefor what it's worth, my husband chose his best friend to be his best man instead of his brother. his brother seemed totally fine with this.
I was actually in the very same situation with my husband. He had 3 men, I had 3 ladies, and *he*, ultimately, chose his best friend (not one of his 2 brothers) as his Best Man. A few people did say, "oh, not one of his brothers?" over the course of our engagement, but you know what? In the end, nobody cared! And why should they?! His brothers really did not seem bothered in the least bit. There was no ill-will, no grudges, no arguments, no drama - because there's no reason for it. To anyone who says, "oh, not his brother?" just say "[Name], his wonderful best friend from [wherever]! We're all so excited!" My husband was one of his brother's Best Man, and felt that he would rather pick his best friend than choose between his brothers who he is not as close to. Whatever his reasoning, don't try to influence his decision - you're right, it's his to make. If his Mom continues to push the issue, put your foot down (politely).
ReplyDeleteDon't have a bridal party.
ReplyDeleteSounds like it's too late for that. Also this couple seems to want friends involved.
DeleteMy mother kept hounding me to "make" my husband make my brother one of his groomsmen. Well, my husband didn't even particularly get along with my brother, so despite him having a smaller party than me, I wouldn't dream of pushing that on him. He had his 2 best friends, and I had my sister (matron of honor - I'm legitimately closer to her than my friends) and 2 best friends (one of whom is a guy). We asked my brother to do a reading. Boom, problem solved.
ReplyDeleteMy sister made me her maid of honor at age 14 to pretty much avoid having to pick between her three best friends for the title.
In short, do whatever you want. MIL can deal. His brother probably doesn't even care.
My now-husband chose his best friend as his best man, NOT his brother - they're not especially close nor do they like each other much most of the time. We were lucky that nobody hounded us to make decisions about our wedding party except US - mostly me, actually, as now-husband did not choose a best man until just a month and a half before our wedding. He also didn't choose to have a groomsman, so we had an uneven wedding party - I had my maid of honour & 22 year old flower-girl/bridesmaid and he had his best man.
ReplyDeleteAs many before me have said already, tell your future mother-in-law (firmly but kindly) that, while you appreciate her concern, you're not comfortable insisting that FH pick a "best man" and that he will announce his choice when he feels ready to do so.
Stay out of the "he'll choose who he wants and I'm staying out of it" fight - as someone said earlier, the conversations you have now will colour your relationship with his family in the future and you don't want everything to be difficult. Again, be firm but kind. It's his decision and you stand behind it.
And finally, choosing a best man based on who will be best at a speech is LAMESAUCE.
Agree about choosing based on who is best at speech - or even based on who is most responsible with rings etc.
DeleteExactly why we didn't have a bridal party
ReplyDeleteWe're avoiding the problem by telling all in the wedding party that they're all the "best" man/lady. It's a damn title, and sometimes saddling one with the "more important" title causes more drama and problems. Who will sign the license? I dunno...coin flip?...maybe my mom and his grandma, maybe my dad and one of the other brothers. Just cuz they're in the wedding party doesn't mean they have to sign the paperwork. Also let the bridal party hash out who makes a speech and who doesn't.
ReplyDeleteno, you have to assign the speeches or you will risk getting *no* speeches.
DeleteWhat's wrong with that?
Deleteor worse, six speeches.
DeleteMy younger sister and I were co maids of honour at my oldest sister's wedding. I always felt that the title should have gone to her best friend of over a decade. This girl is amazing and has been my sister's biggest support system and best friend. I wouldn't have been offended, but pleased if my sister chose to honour this special relationship.
ReplyDeleteI say no best man! He can delegate tasks to the brother and the best friend, so they both feel included (best friend can handle the rings since he is more responsible, and maybe the brother can be in charge of taking him out to drink for his bachelor party? some such thing like that), but there is no reason why he should feel like he HAS to choose who is more important. I had exactly the same difficulty choosing between my best friend and sister for maid of honor, and ultimately chose neither! They each had duties to help me with, both were busy and happy for me, no harm no foul!
ReplyDelete