Hey ESB--
I'm in a good bind.
My boyfriend has this cunt of an ex-wife that I've never met.
I'll be meeting her for the first time at a really fancy holiday wine party on December 2nd, and there's no better time to "highlight our differences" than going all-out-holiday-sexy here.
She's got great girl-next-door qualities, and I've got great glamour-puss qualities, which I'd like to capitalize on for this event. I'd love to be so gorgeously sexy she pouts all evening. She was just such a twat and sore loser when I started dating him that I'd like to rub it in her face that he deserves and has better than the way she behaved.
I've shit for online shopping. I was really hooked on the idea of a sensual green velvet dress (red hair, fair skin, hourglass shape), but couldn't find any I loved. I found a gorgeous vintage 50's, white tulle skirt in a thrift store here, but could only think to pair it with a red checked shirt or bright red cardigan, both of which go wonderfully casual, but maybe not exactly the end-result I'm hoping for. I thought about white skirt, red lipstick, and a non-slutty red bustier.....but does that even exist??
I want to make her seethe. I want to really step inside this holiday sex-kitten bombshell alter ego, and vamp it up to a T.
If you've seen any killa holiday outfits out there, I'd love some help.
Love,
Lady X
*****
SLOW DOWN THERE, LADYPANTS.
Stop trying to be such a glamour-puss sexy sensual sex-kitten.
If I were the ex-wife and I saw you decked out in some kind of red bustier Mrs. Claus pin-up outfit, I'd think, "Man, is she insecure."
The key in this situation (as in all situations) is not to look like you're trying too hard.
K, now who feels like shopping??
What? Did you steal her husband? Whatever the back story is, you do seem incredibly insecure about it. I do not feel at all compelled to shop for this person.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Stealing spouses is not a thing. Unless someone is actually kidnapped.
DeleteI'm sure she's expecting you to show up looking like a stripper gram. If you really want to get under her skin, lose the bustier and tulle, GET OVER IT, and be nice. Preferably wearing this black velvet dress from Bona Drag.
that dress is awesome
DeleteI would recommend: red shirt - white house black market and second ESB to avoid the straight-out bustier. It emphasizes curves in the right places without being a showstopper.(note - you didn't say what region of the country you are in, but being from the snowy north I think sleeves at this time of year is a good idea.)
ReplyDeletePlus the overall look you described, plus a wine party, says to me that you would potentially have more than just the ex-wife's attention, and you could leave her feeling smug that hey - now he's dating some tramp. Go for classy glamour - Joan from Mad Men, not Dita von Teese.
Dita Von Teese is actually very classy... Maybe you were thinking of Kat Von D, or some other trashy wannabe.
Deletenope, dita von teese looks like a whore
DeleteDita Von Teese aka Heather Sweet tries way too hard. Reel it back some, girl.
DeleteWow lady you sound like a real treat.
ReplyDeleteIndeed
DeleteDressing for revenge has catastrophe written all over it.
ReplyDeleteEither you end up looking like a total tramp, and Ex Wife gets the pleasure of feeling morally superior, or she doesn't show and you look like a trashy twit for dressing like sexy santa at an otherwise normal Christmas wine party.
Get a dress you feel totally hot in, but that is an appropriate outfit for the venue/party. Look like a million bucks whether you see her or not.
The best revenge is just being happy and hot for yourself and your man, not to shame some chick who doesn't even figure in your lives anymore.
This!
Deleteshe's a "cunt" and a "twat", eh?
ReplyDeleteshe's probably a bitch and a whore and a slut too, right?
I don't know the story, nor do I have outfit suggestions, but my do we like our misogynistic insults.
Thank you. Holy shit.
DeleteAgreed.
DeleteMy cunt agrees.
DeleteI think she's British though. Still vulgar, but those words are a little more neutral over there. Kind of like how saying "he's a dick" is pretty mild to us.
DeleteYeah, but still. Doesn't make me wanna have sexy-santa's back. I'm sensing a general lack of maturity.
Delete@Frances: I'm British and it's really no excuse.
DeleteI don't think she's British, people don't talk about 'the holidays' here and cunt and twat tend to be reserved for insulting men.
DeleteAlso "capitaliZe" - I think non-UK too
DeleteTim on The Office says "twat" and he can do no wrong. But you're right, he doesn't say it about ladies. In summary, this poster is kind of a dick and Tim is still the perfect man.
DeleteIn the UK 'holidays' refers to summer holidays, never Christmas.
Delete"My boyfriend has this cunt of an ex-wife that I've never met."
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I even read further. Maybe you should meet her first, and not in lingerie.
Aaaaaamen
DeleteAaaand this.
DeleteI'm getting the scarlett o'hara man-stealing red dress of shame vibe.
ReplyDeletewear black. anyone who wears christmas colors to a holiday party already looks like a moron. nothing says effortlessly sexy like black. and since you're so sure of your "great glamour-puss qualities" why do you need to jazz it up so hard?
ReplyDeleteYour boyfriend will look like he's going through a mid-life crisis and you're the red sports car.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteYup, this. Vroom vroom lil sassmobile.
DeleteTeam Ex-Wife!
ReplyDeleteIf it were me, I'd probably stop restricting myself to holiday-themed outfits just because it's a holiday party. 1) I think that's cheesy/tacky. Might as well pull out the reindeer sweater 2) Makes it look like you're trying too hard and you've been thinking about (obsessing over) the moment when you meet the bitch for wayyy to long. Pick a color and shape that looks bomb on you, buy something in an expensive-looking fabric, and act like you forgot she was coming. If you happen to find something in red or green, so be it. Just make sure it doesn't look like you're forcing it. I'd probably go the drapey-but-fitted-in-all-the-right-places look, and I'd probably head over to The Outnet.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't say something nice, come sit by me.
ReplyDeleteLady X. Don't worry too much about what you're wearing, just make sure HE'S wearing a lipstick stained collar ;)
Ha! Love this!
DeleteI second the "don't wear christmas colors to a christmas party." But wanting it to look vintage bombshell? Honestly, my first thought would be "who is this cartoon, and why is she dressed in a costume?" if vintage is your 'thing' go for it, but be aware that if vintage is not "her" thing..she may not view it as sexy and intimidating and she will in no shape or form be threatened by it.
ReplyDeleteif my ex showed up somewhere with a girl in a red cardigan and a tulle ballerina looking skirt, not only would I feel way better in my inevitably rockin little black dress, heels, sexy hair and smoky eyes, I'd be humming the leave it to beaver theme song.
+1 ... Best response yet
DeleteI hope we hear how the party went...
I seriously don't understand why you feel that you need to compete with this woman. To the extent that any of this is a competition (and it isn't) then you've won because you've got the man.
ReplyDeleteIf you really dislike her that much then the best thing to do is to disregard her completely. Hate is a really unattractive emotion and the amount of venom that you're exuding over this woman will make you unattractive too. Pretend that she's not going to be there and choose an outfit that makes you feel great. End of story.
totally agree with esb!!!! you need to go for effortless, timeless hot. think about what your man finds super hot instead of dressing to impress this ex-gf of his. if he's hanging all over you, she'll be jealous don't worry. i'd say whatever you do, don't wear panties (and tell him you're not wearing panties). OR (channeling my inner dan savage here) have sex on your way to the party! like, pull into an ally and do it real quick in the car and then walk into the party both of you with flushed cheeks, your hair perfectly disheveled. there's no better way to ignite the ol sexual spark than to attend a party where an ex will be. have fun with it!
ReplyDeleteI'd go for something simple like this, and let your curves do all the work. You know, like Joan.
ReplyDeletethat would look gorgeous with red hair! plus nicole miller dresses always fit really well without being slutty...
DeleteThis is perfect.
DeleteThis dress so hard.
DeleteNicole wins, always
Deleteperfect.
DeleteLOVE Nicole Miller! This dress is amazing!
Deleteyikes.
ReplyDeletePersonally I'd just avoid the party completely. Life's too short for this kind of drama.
ReplyDeletethis.
DeleteYup.
DeleteI'm enjoying these comments.
ReplyDeleteYou should really be shopping for a new boyfriend as your current one:
ReplyDelete1. has told you waaaay too much about his ex if you are able to draw a twat/cunt conclusion from second hand information.
2. is subjecting you to a party with her.
3. making you feel insecure enough to stoop to these desperate proportions to hurt someone you don't even know!
Come on, lady! No one deserves to have to play these games, especially in their 20s and 30s. Find a guy who is over his ex!
Completely agree, if you have never met her you must be deciding she is a twat cunt based on what your boyfriend says. Any guy that talks a ton of shit about their ex should come with a warning sign unless you want to be added to the list of bitchy, crazy twat exes.
DeleteYES. AGREE.
DeleteBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyDeletei love this so much.
Don't know why everyone is being so bitchy, you know half of us have called an ex of our current man a "bitch" so get off your high horse, find a dress, this is ESB, come on.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I love red during Christmas, you going for vintage, how bout these?
Red Party Dress
Velvet Party Dress
If you really want vavoom and have a great body
The velvet party dress is great. I think you should go for a wrap dress or a shape like that, tailored perfectly.
DeleteLoving the comments here.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with a lot of what has already been said: I get wanting to upstage the ex. . .but it sounds like you're dangerously close to achieving the trying-too-hard, tacky, insecure and threatened by the ex look. Which will be a huge victory for her if that's the kind of thing you're worried about.
Sounds like you need to relax and realize there is no battle: you've already won the war.
Grow the fuck up.
ReplyDeleteTo add to the echo chamber: she's the EX, you have already won. Be the bigger woman. I'm team red-is-fun-for-Christmas but red and white is overdoing it to the point of candy cane.
ReplyDeleteHow about this dress?
Betty Page clothing
ReplyDeleteThe green is great year round and looks amazing with red hair, trust me! They make every dress in a full or pencil skirt, so you can choose your level of WOW.
For SUPER VIXEN try Pin Up Girl Clothing:
Pin Up Girl
Both companies offer really good quality. Best of luck and be yourself!!
i was cringing for you before i even got to the comments.
ReplyDeletealso, i read the title of this post & thought "yeah right, good luck."
know what would really piss her off? walking up to her, without dragging your husband along, introducing yourself, and shaking her hand with a big (genuine!) smile on your face. confidence is sexy- and you, madam, are too pissed at her to be secure.
Agreed. Nothing makes a woman angrier than an opponent who won't play the game.
DeleteI agree. I've taken this route a few times and it feels awesome.
DeleteAgree! Once I got over my ex moving on so fast, I did this the first time I actually met the new girl. It felt great because I knew I had moved on. And it kind of scared the life out of her.
DeleteAt a mutual friend's birthday party, I politely introduced myself to my ex's VERY pregnant wife. She was about eight months along, wearing heels, and begging her husband (my ex) to leave the party. He replied, "One more beer..." and headed to the bar. She then turned to me, looked me HEAD IN THE EYES, and asked: "How'd you stay with him for so long?"
Delete...
I was speechless, but mustered up: "He has a really great family. You'll have a lot of help with the baby."
Poor girl. Whew, I dodged the bullet on that one.
Yes, yes, yes. THIS is what adults do, what confident people do, and it's what will make the ex-wife say, "Wow, she's impressive." Bustier/pin-up outfit will just make her say, "Wow, she's insecure."
DeleteYour obsession with this woman is not attractive! Be nice to her and get over it!
I'm thinking something like this or this
ReplyDeleteor this or this!
Deletelove the green one!
DeleteModcloth should have the vintage vibe. Like so: red dress. And I kind of think this one is weird-cute.
ReplyDeleteBut I would go with something like this asos number I've had my eye on.
/Hannah
Ohhh that Asos dress is awesome.
DeleteNO MODCLOTH
DeleteWhy no Modcloth?
DeleteFirst time reader?
DeleteBecause it is cheaply made and meant for high school girls. Remember the Delia's catalog? It's Delia's. The last thing this women should do is show up in a cheap garment.
DeleteWhoa. . .I apologize for asking.
DeleteNoted. Not from the US, so not familiar with the intricacies of all the American-based clothing companies. The Delia's reference means nothing to me.
Delete/Hannah
Thats fair it was a 90s catalog that young girls were really into, including myself. It was just trendy stuff marketed really well, but essentially poorly made. They also sold blow up chairs, if that helps. I think my reason for disliking Modcloth may be different from ESBs. They also ruined pin-up girls for me, which sucks, b/c Pin-ups used to be cool, now every model on Modcloth looks like a halloween 40s chic out of a bag. It similar to why J. Crew sucks, every model looks like stupid Jenna Lyons with dumb ironic glasses and a pony tail.
Deletepoorly made? I still have a pair of Delia's socks that are in fabulous condition
DeleteIf that ASOS dress was actual lace I'd love it - great shape - but since it's a print it seems cheaper or more casual.
DeleteThey have an oxblood and black polka dot version which I want very badly. My body shape is a LOT more Joan off of Mad Men than a model though, so I am just afraid it will look awful on me and be depressing. A few more gym sessions may get me brave enough to order it.
Delete/Hannah
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreen Velvet Dress
ReplyDeleteI really like this one.
DeleteTrashy Diva 1940s red velvet dress? Despite the company name, pretty classy looking.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do Lady X don't let your boyfriend get wind of this ESB letter. Jealousy is not an attractive quality. We have all been there, but you have to try your best to hide it. Go to the party looking naturally beautiful (not too made up), and CONFIDENT. Most importantly watch what you drink. You are under a microscope. Also bring a bottle of wine for the hosts, maybe the ex will forget and it will irk her that you are so thoughtful. It is about how you carry yourself not what you are wearing, well a little bit about what you are wearing.
ReplyDeleteBest comments all week. Thanks, ESB.
ReplyDeleteSeriously! Relax and be the bigger person. Just wear something that makes you feel smokin' hot - confidence is the most attractive quality. And try to be nice to this poor woman! With only one side of the story to go on I might worry about someone who trashes their ex this much. And even if it's all true, the moral high ground is always the best place to be.
ReplyDeleteLet us know what you end up wearing though!
PS Definitely not British.
DeleteIs anyone else suuuuper-curious about the backstory here? OP will you enlighten us?
ReplyDeleteNOT A BIT. Esp if she's going to continue trying to sound like a Brit.
DeleteGenuinely curious to which bits flagged to you as 'Brit'? Confused By this part of he commenting as the letter just sounds vaguely American to me.
DeleteI'm a new anon and I'm curious
Delete"I've got shit for" is not a real American way of saying "I haven't found anything". The general phrasing in the letter is very Madonna English. Plus calling her a twat and a cunt. I'm bored with this.
DeleteAgree with anon 9:34. It's an American trying to sound British. Gross.
DeleteAh. Well *everyone* is bored of Madonna English.
DeleteDoesn't read remotely English to (English) me - so I guess it's just making everyone feel awkward.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a holiday fancy party I'd wearTHIS Motel Dress
ReplyDeleteBut I think you have the completely wrong attitude lady.
DeleteYou need to check yourself.
ReplyDeleteI plan to wear this to a holiday party. It's for my job. But frankly, were I in your situation, I'd button up big time.
ReplyDeletehttp://bit.ly/TQpxqL
lotta gold sequins
ReplyDeleteFinally figured out the fancy link protocol. Cross that off my life list.
DeleteGREAT advice.
ReplyDeleteDepending on the formalities, this could work. Also depends on the budget though...
ReplyDeleteYou already got the man. If you want to play this game of "I win, she lost", you got the trophy at the end of the competition. So feel free to be yourself and enjoy the party.
ReplyDeletewriter HERE!
ReplyDeletemeh, maybe i have the wrong attitude, maybe i don't.
i could very well have the wrong words.
she and he divorced two years ago when she found herself in the midst of an affair. he and i have been dating for almost four months.
she's the kind of presence that finds reasons to call at inappropriate times, facebooks, and just "shows up" to see him. he ignores it, and she persists.
i didn't feel the need to flaunt her own bad behavior to justify mine. if i want to trade in four months of bad behavior for one night of flaunting my happy ass around, then so be it.
i've found my dress! it's not what i expected, and it is something i already own.
BUT, i WAS looking for something of a modern version of this:
red and vintage
i wanted a sexier top, a sweetheart neckline, and i wanted to pair it with a tulle 50s skirt i found.
and you ended up wearing...?
Deleteyour attitude does make a little more sense now. hope you have a great night at the party!
If your boyfriend hasn't blocked her on FB and is still going to a party she'll be at, there's at least a small part of him that enjoys this brand of stalker.
Delete1. If you are trying this hard, you lose before you even walk in the door.
ReplyDelete2. The ex won't be the only person there. Do you want every other person in the room to talk about the overdressed chick at the party?
3. If she is as awful as you say, other people will figure it out without you trying to go toe-to-toe (or tit to tit) with her.
You all are SOOOOOOOO JUDGY AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyDelete