Long time listener, first time caller.
Me and the FH have been together for 8 years. I know I know you would think that I would have had used all this time wisely to diligently plan every detail of our wedding… but… I haven't. See we’ve been too busy living abroad, and traveling, and making art (I'm an artist), and enjoying each other's company and living this amazing opportunity. so much so that we haven't really focused ourselves on picking out flowers or bunting or... well anything really. We are so happily engaged, living in London (loved your recent what to do in London, by the way). We’d like to get married next year, but the problem is that we can't decide where.
We’re both American, and our families live literally across the US (with sets of parents in the East coast, midwest, and west coast), and siblings and friends spread similarly far and wide. No more than 2 people live in any one time zone. We’d like to make this wedding an opportunity to bring our 4 sets of parents (both separated and happily remarried), siblings, best friends from across our travels, and everyone is game and excited to celebrate what has been 8 years in the making....
Please just tell me what to do. Options are:
(A) LONDON - I’d love to get married in London where we live now and have really defined ourselves as artists and individuals, but it's soo expensive (my dream is a civil ceremony, dinner, and dancing in this museum that I love and but it's like $9,500 just to rent the venue for the night.... And that’s the cheapest museum I've found in London! I was thinking of spending more like $15,000 on the whole shebang). Plus this would be asking everyone we know to hop across the ocean, which just adds to the expenses and guilt (esp as parents would like to help pay). Can I somehow negotiate/sell my soul to get my dream venue on the cheap? I am saving and saving (have $5000 saved on my own so far) and willing to make every scrap of invitation and décor but is it selfish to ask everyone (including my artist friends) to come across the pond?
(B) USA - the only place that hold resonance for both of us is my hometown where we haven't lived since 2005. My parents have moved away and we don't actually know anyone who lives there anymore (FH's mom lives like 3 hours away).... so everyone will just be traveling anyway (there's a tiny museum there that I could rent for like $700.... plus all the plane tickets back and forth to organise it). It would be nice going home but I've heard scary stories about people planning weddings remotely even in their hometown… and I'd be diving in pretty blindly here.... is this just a bad idea?
I’ll confess I was hoping just writing this down was going to resolve things for me, but I think I just need your straight up guidance here.
Love, Artist in Abeyance
*****
This one's easy. LONDON!
Anyone have venue suggestions?
Photo: Adrian Crispin for Dazed and Confused
For what it's worth, my husband and I planned our LA wedding from DC without a single trip West. Sure, it's more logistical work than a local bash, but totally doable. And it forced us to keep things really simple, which made the actual day even more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteLondon!!
ReplyDeleteIf your budget is a concern. you might have to let go of that dream venue, but you might find one even better. Or consider doing it on a Friday or Sunday evening if that's cheaper. If it's a destination for everyone, then it really doesn't need to be on a Saturday night; no one is taking a red eye home to go back to work.
But, yes, bring your loved ones to London and don't take on the stress of long-distance wedding planning.
Congrats! Good luck!
I also think DIY-ing decor and then packing it up and carting it on a transatlantic flight sounds like a giant pain in the ass.
DeleteHaving DIY'ed decor in NYC and rented a car to drive it to Chicago for my sister's wedding, I totally second this thought. It was a HUGE pain in the ass- and we didn't even need to worry about things getting mangled in shipping. Stick with London- the people that matter will make it work to come to you.
DeleteMidweek! If everyone's taking holiday anyway to come (transatlantic seems awfully far for a weekend) - then I bet you can get a good deal on a weekday.
DeleteI went to a wedding this summer in London at this place: http://www.chandoshouse.co.uk/. No idea of the cost, but the enclosed outdoor garden was perfect for the cocktail hour.
ReplyDeleteAlso if you can plan a wedding for January 2013 the above website says they'll give 40% off for weddings in that month. It costs 40 pounds per person and it's a hotel! so that would take care of some logistics...this seems pretty awesome
DeleteI'm going to have more of a think, but (OBVIOUSLY) the first thing that occurred to me was the Horniman "Sad Walrus" Museum where you can have the ceremony and reception in the conservatory in the gardens for in the region of £3k.
ReplyDeleteI ended up marrying in Oxford, partly because of the cost of London and party because in England (unlike Scotland where you can marry outside) you have to be somewhere licenced for marriages (unless you want to do the legal ceremony separately).
I thought I had the perfect solution in Old Marylebone Town Hall for the ceremony (like a Beatle) and then reception in a nice Marylebone pub... but it's going to be closed for renovation from 2013 to 2015.
The Westminster website has a list of approved Westminster venues which might provide some inspiration?
(clearly Oxford is still in England. The Scotland thing was more of an fyi since everyone's travelling anyway)
DeleteTravel up to Manchester and get married at Victoria Baths (everything is cheaper up north and family can fly direct to Manchester)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.victoriabaths.org.uk/
Definitely London (UK). I second all the DIY+travelling thoughts, too much of a PITA.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the guilt of asking people to come that far - it's YOUR wedding, London is where you live, if someone decides to attend, you have to let that guilt go. They have made the decision that it is worth coming there for you. That is NOTHING to feel guilty about!
My husband and I planned our wedding in our hometown while living many states away, and it really wasn't that difficult. The main thing it involved was a ton of phone calls and e-mails. We booked nearly all of our vendors without ever having met them (we based our decisions on the phone calls, ease of communication, online reviews, etc.). We used a venue that didn't need any decor, so we didn't have to cart a ton of DIY decor across the country.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide, I'm sure it will work out.
i vote london as well; it means a lot more to you, and remote planning for a location you've chosen for convenience rather than resonance sounds like the pits. i can't help with venues (my husband and i, both americans, got hitched up in oxford), but i will say, as someone whose circumstances were kind of like yours (lots of underfunded artist friends, family all over the states): get started now on your not-taking-it-personally mantra for when people can't make it to the wedding. i expected that going in, i reminded myself of it again and again, and it STILL breaks my heart that some of our people weren't there. congrats in advance on an amazing international wedding (they are tough, but they are amazing), and say it with me now: the love is there. money just sucks.
ReplyDeleteOoh where? (if you don't mind me asking. Hometown curiosity:)
DeleteIt is a beautiful city.
65 high street (the stanford house, where we met)! we walked everyone to the turf for a pint afterward, then had the reception at freud.
DeleteLove!
DeleteI don't know the Stanford House but do know the turf and freuds - and a pint afterwards? Sounds awesome.
I live in Jericho, down the road from Freuds. I never would have thought of it as a reception venue (probably tainted by student nights out), but I can definitely picture it now. I can imagine them catering with their home made pizzas.
Deleteturf tavern is classic, it's an oxford institution. probably the bar I most often get asked directions to from tourists, but that might be because it's so well hidden
I wobbled a bit, but I think I'll echo most others and say London.
ReplyDeleteTwo things that would help me if I were you: 1) Remember that Your Wedding Is Not an Imposition and 2) Maybe this is obvious, but with guests undertaking extensive and expensive travel, try to give them as much notice as possible .... like at least 6 months.
That gives them the opportunity to save over time. It might make it possible for somebody to come who wants to be there but just can't make the necessary arrangements without a headstart. Congrats!
Yeah, ditto to this. The more lead time you give them the better. I'm betting a lot of people will be excited for a chance to go to England, and happy to see you get married, and totally willing for save to be able to. As long as they know a good while in advance when to plan for.
DeleteI agree, london. They will come. AND get married in the museum you love.
ReplyDeleteSince your family will be traveling they will most likely come for longer than a long weekend, right? Get married on a Tuesday or Wednesday and you should get $$ knocked off that $9500 price. Even at $9500, you can most certainly adjust the rest of your budget accordingly and come in under 15 thousand. Try not to stress over their travel costs... its hard- but you can't help EVERYONE.
I spent more than half my budget on the venue I loved (space only, we diy'd food, music, & decor) and don't regret it at all. My best friend is doing the same. My best advice is to spend your money on things you care most about i.e. hosting your family in a city you love in a venue you love!
Do it in London. I'm an American expat, and you can have an amazing reception in a gorgeous pub fairly cheaply or go artsy and do it in a warehouse venue or what have you. Just stay out of Central London - I can't imagine you can't find something in south London that's inexpensive and awesome. See:
ReplyDeleteDulwich Picture Galleries
The Albion
Drapers Arms
As for your family/friends, you must know by now that when you live abroad you learn who your true friends are and the ones who matter will make it to your day.
While I'm sure that living abroad teaches you who your "true friends" are, some people may simply not be able to afford a trip to London. You can't take that too personally or make more out of it than it is. Just because someone doesn't have the money doesn't make them a bad friend. I don't advise writing people off because they can't make it to your wedding.
DeleteAs someone with family all over the East Coast of the US (none near me) who is engaged to an Australian, I vote for doing the whole thing near where you and your FH live. We thought about Hawaii, Mexico, California, every single state on the East Coast... until we fell in love with a venue located conveniently in town (a beach! with a lighthouse! and a carousel!) and just couldn't handle the idea of planning long-distance.
ReplyDeleteAs for museum venues... from what I've read the cheapest way to do the reception is at an awesome restaurant--already decorated, no worries about chairs, tables, etc. If you're super keen to involve a museum somehow, then what about sending people to the Friday night drinks at the V&A (after the rehearsal dinner while you and FH get some sleep, of course)?
I have to second this. I went through several beautiful museum venues that I HAD to have, until I started tallying up total cost. Using a restaurant can cut out a lot of the extra costs involved with weddings, like rentals.
DeleteYou can find a restaurant that has the same feel as the museum you love. Figure out how many people you'll have with you so you'll know how much space you need, and then start checking out your favorite neighborhoods.
-Mara
I would love an excuse for a trip abroad.
ReplyDeleteDitto. We traveled to Europe for a friend's wedding and then went to Paris for a week for my husband's birthday, which was a month later. Those who can swing the trip will be thrilled.
DeleteFor a London wedding, do you have any close friends or family who travel all the time? My wedding was on the other side of the country from a lot of my relatives, and my awesome little brother, who travels for work and has 10 billion frequent flier miles, used some of his miles to get plane tickets for family who couldn't afford the trip. Just something to think about. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI guess you have to know your crowd. Can the people you really want to be there afford an international trip? And will it matter to you if some of them can't be? Personally, I think we give too much weight to location: any space can become sacred/magical/the right one...it usually just takes the right people.
ReplyDeletejust to chime in - I'm an American expat marrying a Brit and we are having the wedding in the UK. When we got engaged we knew it would be hard for my family and friends to make the trip so we gave them TWO YEARS to save up. Having a 2 year engagement has been great, gives us time to save more, made planning really relaxing, you can spread things out over a longer period, no mad rush where you lose sense of anything else in your life. Obviously it might not be right for you, but it means my family and friends can make the trip and no guilt because I have given them so long to plan and save.
ReplyDeletegood luck!
I think London sounds like a better idea. We had a destination wedding only 3 hrs from where we live and it's one of the few things I regret about the wedding.
ReplyDeleteYou can't control it as much, you can't DIY as much, you can't save money on things like flowers, decor, or food as easily.
If you're happy with a totally hands-off general sort of wedding, then maybe destination is ok for you. OR if you have a couple weeks pre-wedding to fly in and arrange all the stuff. OR if you have a ton of money to make it exactly the way you want from a distance.
I got married in London. Our venue was really chilled and reasonable at the time (2 years ago this week) but I've noticed they've out in place a pesky package thing, which I hate, so I now wouldn't recommend.
ReplyDeleteNice registry offices for ceremony include Chelsea and Islington Dead cheap but lovely.
Have you thought about a pub reception? Some City pubs close at the weekend and you can hire the whole thing. We looked at one right on the river, looking out to Tate Modern. Others have private rooms etc. And there's something iconically British about a good pub.
Have you looked at Whitechapel gallery? I *think* it wasn't that expensive....
Oh! Just remembered this place:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.smithyslondon.com/weddings.php
Maybe I am a minority here..but what a silly question!! She is not asking for any information to help her decide. She just wants ESB/ readers to decide on her behalf?? or is the latest trend to select your wedding location by getting vote done on the internet? I get that so many readers are trying to help her by sharing their own wedding stories/ ideas from London, but she is not even asking if London has good venues for that..she knows everything, just wants others to decide. For some reason that just irked me! *End of rant*
ReplyDeleteI think you need to chill :)
DeleteI think in the grand scheme of questions that get asked here on esb, that this one is actually worthy of some attention and assistance.
DeleteI am on th OP side. It's really hard to make these choices when you're in such a position. Good luck, OP...and send pics!!
ReplyDeleteHere is a list of places we looked at and liked (but ended up getting married in my home town instead):
ReplyDeleteWiltons Music hall
http://wiltons.org.uk/
Hoxton Hall
http://www.hoxtonhall.co.uk/hire/
The Round Chapel
http://www.web.theroundchapel.org.uk/venues-for-hire
The horniman
http://www.horniman.ac.uk/about/venue-hire-201
Wilton's is super gorgeous (one of the oldest music halls in London). Obvs the Horniman is great, as is the Geffrye museum in Hackney (though probably pricier with all the arty types around).
DeleteA good friend is getting married next year on a budget with a transatlantic family sitch at Islington Town Hall and then a reception at the Easton in Clerkenwell. The Peasant (also in Clerkenwell, beautiful, lovely food, great private dining room upstairs) is also affordable I've heard.
I'm an American marrying a Brit, we live in NYC. NYC was way too expensive to hold the wedding, and we both have old relatives and important people out West and in England. We went with London for many reasons that I won't bore you with, but here are a bunch of places to look at. I'm telling you, we looked at EVERYTHING in England. There were some gorgeous places out of town (like in Devon) but we felt shitty asking people to travel to London and then figure out how to get somewhere ELSE in England.
ReplyDeleteThere are a LOT of really bad/tacky venues over there, holy smokes. Anyway, here are some great, or not-so-bad ones to consider:
Wiltons Music Hall
The Round Chapel (they were booked, like, forever though)
4 Princelet St - http://princelet.co.uk/
Dalston Heights
The Roost
Spencer House
Old Finsbury Town Hall
Town Hall Hotel (desperately wanted to do this, but it was too $$ for us)
The Tythe Barn
Wooda Farm
River Cottage
Any of the Castle Gibson venues
Loft Studios
Village Underground
Priston Mills
Cliff Barns
Netil House
Old Boys Club in Hackney
Look at Canvas Events and Unique Venues of London sites for cool/different venues. Just obviously contact these places directly. Also Fresh Locations.
In the end, we're having our ceremony next month at Burgh House (we can't get married at the registrar's office without residency), and reception at 6 St Chads Place, a cool restaurant in Kings Cross that doesn't charge a hire fee. Cross your fingers for us!
Best of luck to you!
To me, these folks are reason enough to have a wedding in London. Lillian and Leonard No affiliation whatsoever. They were just the first thing that came to mind when I heard London wedding. Also, I'm an American who got married in England and loved every minute of it. NO ONE was upset to fly to England.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading this blog for a while, but I'm not from the US. Why is it that none of you seem to live in or near your home towns? Even your families live miles away, and you all seem to move cities every few years. Just an observation, am I wrong?
ReplyDeletebecause we were born to wander...
DeleteBecause it's a big country, we are pioneers at heart, get bored easily and we can't pick our hometowns but can certainly pick where we want to end up!
DeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteWe are also planning our wedding in London. I have lived here for 7 years and have pretty much researched every venue there is!
If you need any help/ suggestions, let me know
One idea would be to look for a gallery instead of a museum as it would be much cheaper (eg soho gallery).
I am from brazil and my fiancé from New York and we are also asking people to fly from all over the world , I wouldn't worry about it , the people you really love will be here and it also helps to keep the guest list short which can allow for other more expensive things.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteWe are also planning our wedding in London. I have lived here for 7 years and have pretty much researched every venue there is!
If you need any help/ suggestions, let me know
One idea would be to look for a gallery instead of a museum as it would be much cheaper (eg soho gallery).
I am from brazil and my fiancé from New York and we are also asking people to fly from all over the world , I wouldn't worry about it , the people you really love will be here and it also helps to keep the guest list short which can allow for other more expensive things.
Def do london! I'm also an expat who is getting married next year. (and ESB and co helped me out a few weeks ago). You should think about all of the places that have been mentioned, and depending on how many people you were planning to invite, consider a gastro pub. We are getting married at 6 fitzroy, which is an old georgian house that is essentially (a very stylish) blank canvas. http://www.sixfitzroysquare.com/vebo/ We also looked into lauderdale house in highgate http://www.lauderdalehouse.co.uk/ (both are affordable and allow you to bring outside caterers which was a must for us). also, if you get married at one of the town halls, they are usually cheaper during the week, and you can always have the reception over the weekend. good luck!
ReplyDelete