Hey ESB,
So, ever since I knew it was allowed, I've pictured both of my parents walking me down the aisle. My mom is on board with the idea, and my dad mostly is too, except for the fact that he thinks it would upset my stepmom (something I was anticipating, but hoping wouldn't be true. She's weirdly jealous of my mom, who's been divorced from my dad for 22 years and rarely speaks to him).
My pops, being awesome, told me that it doesn't matter what my stepmom thinks and if I want to process down the aisle with both of my "real" parents (stepmom, while a nice lady whom I like, was very hands-off for my childhood and adolescence) then I should do what I want. It's my wedding and I don't get any do-overs.
But. But. But. I don't want to cause strife between my dad and my stepmom. If she asks him to tell me "no," that he wants to do it himself, and we do the double-parent walk anyway, there will be a lot of resentment and mistrust (granted, these are negative themes that have built up during their marriage in various ways, and this would just be another big straw to the pile).
Do I do it the way I've always wanted because, like, it's my wedding and stuff? I love my dad so much, and I don't want to make his wife mad at him :(
<3, Torn
*****
This one's your dad's call. If he says he wants to do it, LET HIM FUCKING DO IT.
Why do women tie themselves in knots over things that ought to be simple??
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Right on ESB. Torn, let your pops be awesome and make up his own mind! Walk down that aisle with your folks! Dad can take care of his own marriage.
ReplyDeleteSeriously. This lady can just deal. She is not your mom. He can take care of himself. And besides, if it's what you want, and what you've always wanted....what the hell would this immature woman have to say to him that held any validity at all?
ReplyDeleteNot your marriage, not your problem.
This might even be a good chance for your dad to stand up for himself if he has had trouble being assertive with her. And in a case like this, he probably would: because you are his daughter and he loves you - that's not a small thing. Neither is your wedding. He wouldn't waffle on that. Trust that it will be okay.
I don't see how this is even an issue. Your "very hands-off" step mother does not get a say in who walks you down the aisle. It seems like you're trying to perpetuate a potential issue that has already been solved. And you didn't once mention the way your real MOTHER might feel if you changed your mind so that you're dad's wife isn't mad?! Both my parents walked me down the aisle, and it felt right. I felt asking my mom to be there by my side was the least I could do, since she has always been by my side and was very involved in helping with the wedding.
ReplyDeleteyou've made the decision, you're parents support you. leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteIt's your wedding, you get to do what you want. I'm having my mom and step dad walk me down the aisle.
I ended up having to piss my step mom off at my wedding. She's being one of my four parents since I was 18 months old, so it was a very sad, difficult thing to do and I will always have that twinge associated with my day. However, it will also always be associated with pride in myself for making the choices I felt were right, supportive of my family as a whole and not letting guilt play a role in those choices. Part of getting married is about growing up and making decisions like an adult, and that means not sacrificing yourself/what you think is right, because of someone's guilt trip.
ReplyDeleteProps to you.
DeleteDo you have a sibling, step-sibling, or even cousin who could escort your step-mom down the aisle (either before or during the processional)? Then, rather than having her feel totally excluded, you can say, 'here's the plan for the processional: step-mom, you're walking with X; dad and mom, you're walking me.' I have found that giving people a role is better than giving them no role, and telling them the plan in a matter-of-fact way helps decrease the opportunities for wedding guest moaning and complaining.
ReplyDeleteBut in short, you get to choose. At least on this one, it's definitely up to you. Just make it harder / more awkward for her to throw a big fit :)
This is a great idea. She gets a place, even a small one, so at least she sees that you care about how she feels (even if you know it's really how that impacts your dad).
Deleteyour dad is 100% right. it's YOUR wedding, they are YOUR parents, and stepmom can go suck it.
ReplyDeleteman, some people are unbelievable (i'm looking at you, stepmom).
Question asker here!
ReplyDeleteGot married last month, had my dad escort step mom down the aisle (just ahead of husband escorting his mom) and circle back to come fetch me and my mom.
I think my dad broached the subject as "This is what Cathi has decided" more so than "This is what she wants, is that okay?" so there wasn't a question of step-mom having her wishes ignored. She even came to my mom's house morning-of and sipped coffee with us as I had a friend do my hair.
Biggest aisle-related hurdle involved my mom having stage fright and continually asking "Are you sure you want me to do this? Isn't this the father's job? People will think it's weird, won't they?" Sigh.
whoopsie. okay, so sometimes it takes me a while...
DeleteHaha, it's okay! I suppose I asked you with not a lot of time left :)
DeleteI was in the exact same situation - just move forward with your vision and let your dad deal with the situation. If your step-mom says anything you can just say, I wanted each of my parents to walk me down the aisle because I felt they had equal hands in making me the person I am today, and that's what it was all about. I had my divorced parents walk me down the aisle - one on each side, and my step-mom didn't seem to have an issue with it, and if she did I've never found out! I couldn't imagine it only being my dad to 'give me away' because my mom had a bigger hand in raising me!
ReplyDeleteI think you should have them both walk you down the isle. It's completely understandable that you would want those who contributed DNA to walk you down the isle and those who are now married to said DNA givers have no right to be sour about it. Your dad can fight the battle with your stepmom if she decides to be be petty about it.
ReplyDeleteYou CANNOT bend your life around stepmothers unless they get their shit together and act like mothers, which in this case would involve letting you do what you want to do because it's your wedding day.
ReplyDelete