Dear ESB,
From the beginning, my fiance and I really wanted a small, low-key backyard wedding. We live in an urban apartment with no yard, so that was out. My parents are divorced and both remarried, and both offered up their backyards, but I know that weird divorce issues would arise for all parties involved if I chose one or the other of their homes. So those were out too. BUT... my fiance's parents have a beautiful winter home in Arizona with a desert-y backyard, patio and pool. It's perfect for an early spring wedding, and they generously offered the space to us. We talked to my parents about it (my parents are paying for the wedding), and they thought it was a lovely idea so we excitedly accepted their offer. Everyone's excited.
My question is this. I am feeling concerned about how much my future in-laws will be contributing to this wedding, by virtue of it being at their home. Even though my parents will pay for the whole wedding and we will be there to do all the manual labor of setup/cleanup/etc, I know my in-laws will still spend lots of time and energy getting the house ready, and I'm sure they'll be spending money on things that they won't even tell us about. It's a huge contribution that they're making. So, should they also be responsible for hosting a rehearsal dinner? I know they are planning to, but should my parents offer to contribute to that, since my in-laws will be contributing so much to the wedding?
And, if it WOULD be good etiquette for my parents to offer to contribute to the rehearsal dinner, how do I suggest that to them? It seems kind of rude for me to go around making suggestions for what my parents should do with their money, which they are so generously spending on us. (I guess I should say here that both my fiance and I are in our early 30s, and we already feel weird about my parents paying for our wedding, but that's what they wanted!) Is it rude for me to ask my parents to also offer to cough up for the rehearsal dinner? Should I just let them do what they think is appropriate and keep my mouth shut?
Sincerely,
I Hate Money Stuff
*****
Dear IHMS,
YOU should offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner.
Love,
I Hate Money Too But There It Is
COMME des GARÇONS by Daniele Duella + Iango Henzi for i-D
Ugh. Talk about insufferable!
ReplyDeleteSeriously. I can't believe she asked a question about etiquette involving her all-around supportive family. Sooooo entitled.
DeleteReally? I thought it's nice to hear about a supportive family that's causing 0 drama, for once! If this is boring you, go watch the Kardashians or something.
DeleteThat (second) response was meant to be sarcastic. Didn't read? Sorry Mary Anne. :/
DeleteAnon, I took both the original and yours as sarcastic, because of the real estate post. I think people got it.
DeleteAgreed. We ended up paying for our own rehearsal dinner and it was really refreshing actually to have something that we had complete control over. Maybe consider something more like a wine and cheese if you don't have a lot of funds for it.
ReplyDeleteGreat answer EBS. I would have said, Ugh, just leave them all to it. But this works as well (and is a bit of a smackdown, so points for that).
ReplyDeleteBrava, ESB.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think it's a little strange when a couple doesn't even think about covering any costs themselves. I mean, sure, parents helping out is great, but you're both in your 30s and should be willing to put at least a little of your own money into the wedding.
ReplyDeleteAsking your parents to contribute to the rehearsal dinner (when they are already footing the bill for your wedding) is definitely rude. They kindly offered to pay for the wedding, which is their choice, but you can't tell them what else they should spend THEIR money on.
ReplyDeleteNow, you offering to contribute to the rehearsal dinner, great gesture.
srsly. well put esb. if you have to ask whether its okay to ask for more, its prob not. pay for the rehersal yourself.
ReplyDeleteInteresting to claim that you "already feel weird" about your parents paying for so much, yet it never even occurred to you that you could offer to pay for something yourself.
ReplyDeleteESB's answer is perfect. And I think people have gotten MEANER here.
ReplyDeleteyah, is it because of the real estate post?
DeleteMaybe, but this girl really deserved it.
DeleteMeaner, or more honest? If this is really what this bride-to-be is worried about, her life is easy and she can handle a honest response.
DeleteUm, what is it about the post that makes this girl deserve it? Most people have never thrown a wedding before, some things just don't occur to you.
DeletePlus, this backyard shindig sounds like there will be about 50 guests in attendance. Its not like the royal wedding! I think everyone who is being an asshole is just jealous that her family doesn't suck.
So common sense goes out the window when you decide to get married? Oh wait...
DeleteJealous? Nope.
I mean... the tagline is "an evil club of mean hipster brides".
DeleteIf you're in your 30s you should never ask your parents to pay for anything. You should always try to pay for things yourself and, maybe if your parents see you are struggling they will offer to help you out. At that point you say "thank you" not "also help me out in these other areas." This applies to weddings and everything else. You're a grown up, no?
ReplyDeleteThat said, my guess is that fiance's parents don't mind paying for what they've offered to pay for. I know that a lot of extra expenses go into hosting an event at your residence, but my guess is they knew this too. And did they offer to throw the rehearsal dinner? (Really. Did they? Or did you assume so?) If so, they are probably ok with spending money on that too. I still think you should pay for this yourself. (Really, unless you are completely broke and have no way of earning money before next spring, it will be fun to have some part of your wedding which you put on.)
Also, because I'm not sure this will be obvious to I Hate, make sure you get both sets of parents a nice "thank you for showering us with love on our wedding day" gift/speech/etc.
Yes! Definitely a nice thank you gift and a shout out.
Deletefor what it's worth, a rehearsal dinner for a backyard wedding could be as easy as ordering pizzas...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI feel like that would step on the toes of the wedding if it's at the same place, wouldn't it? Going out for pizza and beers for a more casual experience would be fun though, ngl. Even anything to fit the general theme of the wedding itself. This way, even if someone else insists on paying for it the bride doesn't really have to worry about the price. But really, the bride/groom should insist on paying for it ESPECIALLY if they aren't paying for anything else.
DeleteThat's exactly what I thought of, too, but was too lazy to write from my phone. If it's a small group, take them to your favorite restaurant. If it's a bigger group, take them to your favorite restaurant anyway. It's the least you can do to thank your friends and family for being a part of your big day (since that's what rehearsal dinners are for, right?).
DeleteWe had our rehearsal dinner in the same hall we were having our wedding. We were decorating it the night before, so we brought food for all the people helping us, and invited everyone else who was already in town to join us.
DeleteIt helped that this was a tiny town and a largish wedding and there wasn't really another option available.
I get having parents who *want* to pay for your wedding - and in that case, take them at their word and say Thank You. Some people get a kick out of doing nice things and there's really no need to churlishly refuse out of some foot-stamping need to prove how independent you are. Gracious acceptance is an underrated skill.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it's a totally different ball game if you accept the money and then complain about them wanting to be involved... But that's not what I Hate seems to be saying.
ESBs answer is perfect.
But otherwise, his parents are adults who know what they are offering, no? Just make it clear to them hat there's. O obligation and that you are keen to contribute where possible to hosting expenses and really appreciate everything they're doing.
*no obligation
DeleteAgreed. Well said.
DeletePoints, kudos and confetti, ESB.
ReplyDeleteAgree with ESB wholeheartedly. I look forward to the day when these tired old rules about whose parents pay for what have gone out the window for good.
ReplyDeleteIf having your parents pay for things feels weird, definitely host the rehearsal dinner and maybe even the morning after brunch (if you're into that sorta thing). Just go over the timeline for the weekend with both sides and mention that the two of you will host the rehearsal and brunch, if one side has one of those "it's traditional that we pay for this" moments than hash it out with that group. If both sides stay silent on the "hosting" issue than carry on.
ReplyDeleteESB exactly.
ReplyDeleteCall me crazy, but do you really need to rehearse a backyard wedding?
ReplyDeleteN
Deleteot really but some anal and not so anal types like to make sure they've thought of everything and have things "co-ordinated" with the music etc. I've seen a lot of rehearsals become clusterfucks which just always make me wish there wasn't one.
You do not need to rehearse a backyard wedding. I honestly think just about all weddings do not need to be rehearsed. But "rehearsal" dinners are fun. For my wedding we didn't have a rehearsal (because it was a backyard wedding) but we had a dinner the night before for immediate family and out of town guests. It was one of the most fun events of the wedding (at least for the guests who attended). It was a low key bbq at a lake and my husband and his father broke ribs while kneeboarding, but none of us would be happier having gone without this dinner. So yeah, have a dinner anyways. Call it what you like.
DeleteI'm having a backyard wedding and my poor little flower girl, ring bear-er and elderly aunt who is doing our reading would be anxious/lost/terrified if we didn't rehearse it. So, yes, sometimes you do need to rehearse a backyard wedding.
DeleteYou're not planning on having your rehearsal *dinner* at the actual house, right? Right. If you're having a small wedding I'm assuming your wedding party will be small as well. I agree with esb on you footing the bill, it's the least you can do to thank your awesome family. Pick out a killer local restaurant, reserve a room for your family & bridal party, and arrange a great dinner with the owners.
ReplyDeletep.s. I'm sorry every reader here is an asshole
I am glad I am not the only one who thinks its weird for your parents to be paying for your wedding when you are in your 30's. SERIOUSLY??
ReplyDeletejesus christ it's a NON-ISSUE.
DeleteSeriously.
DeleteIt's just money, why get your panties so crotch-sweatingly twisted about it?
I suspect if youre confident in your independence then accepting / allowing parental offers of contribution / assistance feels less fraught.
Why is it weirder in your 30s than 20s? Fuck that ageist shit.
Deleteanon 11:33, THANK YOU!
DeleteYeah I was gonna say what the hell is wrong with your parents WANTING to pay for your wedding when you're in your 30s?! What business is it of anyone's as to whom pays for what! (In this case it's part of the question...so yes I get that that's different).
DeleteOriginal Poster here. Offering to host the rehearsal dinner ourselves is a really great idea and I don't know why I didn't think of it. My parents WANT to throw the wedding, so there's nothing I can do about that except be thankful for it. I've been really conscious all along about keeping it inexpensive, and that's a big part of the reason we're doing a small backyard shindig in the first place. My fiance and I were planning to host a morning-after brunch, and we're covering photography and some other things, and for whatever reason the thought of offering to throw the RD as a way to thank all of our parents didn't occur to me, but it is absolutely what we should do. So thank you ESB and others for opening my eyes on that one!
ReplyDeleteAnd to answer other questions: there is no wedding party, not much to rehearse, but everyone will be out-of-towners so we definitely want to provide them with dinner (not at my in-laws) on Friday night. And I totally agree- it doesn't have to be fancy.
And finally, as a frequent commenter on this blog but a first-time writer-in-er (sp?), I gotta say, the bitchy comments are fun to read as a reader/commenter, but they're not helpful at all, so GOD BLESS all you non-bitchy commenters out there! I will remember this experience at my next urge to be bitchy.
I agree! Even if there isn't much to actually rehearse, the rehearsal dinner is a really fun way to start the celebrations with out-of-towners.
Deletegood for you. seriously. you're the classiest writer-in-er i've seen round these parts in quite some times. at times it seems that [most of] esb's readers are assholes that hide behind the anon option. i wish she'd actually get rid of it so the spineless bitches could be weeded out.
DeleteA++ response. Have an awesome thank-you-family dinner.
DeleteAmen, when my question was posted (years ago, oh man), all the things I didn't think to include for the sake of brevity and simplicity are what people jumped down my throat about. It isn't as obvious how much commenters assume until it happens to you!
DeleteEnjoy the wedding! Glad you're going to host the rehearsal, it sounds like the whole shebang will be fun.
Mary-Anne, good for you acknowledging the fiances family contribution. host the rehearsal yourself low budget an thank all for their efforts.
ReplyDelete