Dear ESB,
Hopefully you can help me navigate this situation gracefully.
I got engaged 3 months ago to a dude I'm totally crazy about. What I'm not so crazy about is planning a wedding for 250+ guests (his family is huge and we "must" invite them all). Because I don't have a ton of money to spend and I don't want a traditional big white dress/cake wedding, we are really taking our time with any and all decisions--including place, date and wedding party (the first 2 remain undecided).
I spent a few weeks thinking about who I wanted in wedding party and asked my oldest and closest friend to be be MOH. She has always been little on the flaky side but really loves this kind of work and is soooo excited about helping me plan and being there for me on the day of. We see each other about once a month, usually after playing phone tag and rescheduling at least once.
So last night I finally got together with her and she starts telling me about all the ideas she has (none are my style) and that she's COLLECTING MASON JARS FOR ME AND ALREADY HAS 50+. This is so sweet of her, but the problem is I NEVER asked her for mason jars and just don't want them at my wedding. When she told me this I said "oh wow thanks," which was probably a mistake.
So what do I do now? How do I tell her what I had in mind was different without hurting her feelings?
IDK
*****
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT MASON JARS
Just kidding.
Tell your MOH you don't want to be that couple.
Or, tell her exactly what you just told me: "That is so sweet of you, but I have something different in mind."
Madisyn Ritland by Ami Sioux for Jalouse Magazine via ban.do via Veera Häkkinen
sounds to me like your friend is using your wedding to plan her own dream wedding, you've got to nip that in the bud. I have a bridesmaid who has been doing something similar, when she shares an idea I like I tell her, and when she shares something that isn't our taste I say something like 'that isn't quite what I had in mind because xyz, I was thinking something more like _____'
ReplyDeleteThe key being that I send examples to steer her back on track, and I'm not afraid to say no that still isn't right, until we're on the same page.
My friends and I saw watched that Onion clip recently. We laughed our asses off.
ReplyDeleteWe are florists.
Death to the mason jar.
OMG, kill this now! If you wait too long then when you reject the idea you're going to get a passive agressive "Well, you told me you wanted them and now I'm stuck with 100 mason jars!" (This sort of thing happened to me. Some how "not rejecting" can quickly turn into "you told me this is what you wanted!")
ReplyDeleteTell her 50 mason jars is PERFECT, you have a great idea for them. Give them to your mother-in-law if she's planning the rehearsal dinner. She can put drinks in them or use them for centerpieces. The RD doesn't have to be your 'style' and the MOH doesn't get totally rejected.
ReplyDeleteYes to what Amanda M says. Use them for the rehearsal dinner or your shower.
ReplyDeleteWe had mason jars at our wedding because we drink out of mason jars at home because we can a lot of fruit and veggies and we make maple syrup so we have extra mason jars on hand. But then a friend visiting from Portland saw all our mason jars and noted "Oh wow, mason jars as drinking glasses. You guys would fit right in in Portland!" And that's when I realized mason jars are a "thing" now. We can't just innocently drink out of them anymore because now we're making a statement by drinking out of them?
ReplyDeletePERTLERND RERNS ERVERERTHIN!
people have been drinking out of mason jars for decades, my grandma used to give us iced tea in mason jars when we visited. it doesn't have to be a statement if you don't want to make it one.
DeleteI know! I grew up drinking out of mason jars (and jam jars) so I really love them, even though they are a *thing*
DeleteMe too. Mason jars and jam jars were my childhood drinking glasses, and my very un-Portland parents still have a cabinet full of them.
DeleteDon't worry. They're already going out of fashion and soon we can all drink out of them again without feeling like assholes.
yeah I was totally into that band before they went so mainstream
Deletehttp://hillbillyglassware.com/wine-glasses/?gclid=CKuloaeA5bECFSI0QgodoncAyw
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.
Those are so horrible! They are probably making a killing selling those nasty things.
DeleteIt's nice that they have lids to keep the flies out.
DeleteESB, This one was too easy.
ReplyDeleteGirl can't say "thanks but no thanks" to her MOH?!
NEXT!
Thank you!
DeleteI didn't get what was so difficult about this situation that it needed an ESB intervention.
You can't be honest with your 'oldest and closest friend'? Grow a pair and just say a nice friendly no.
Find a picture of any wedding that looks close to what you have in mind and show MOH. She needs to fix her mind on a new goal. And BTW she is probably collecting milk glass vases. Put an end to the madness now!
ReplyDeleteI also like the picture idea-- early on I had some issues with my mother accepting that I was not planning the type of wedding she envisioned as appropriate. Nearly every idea I shared with her was met with some expression of incredulity. Then I started sending her pictures of the types of things I had in mind-- I think at that point she realized, 'Oh, these aren't just c's stupid half-baked idea of what a wedding can be like. Other people do these types of things, which means they are valid.' She backed off on her own super-traditional vision and has been supportive, at times even excited, about my plans ever since.
DeleteYou are so smart! My mom responded the same way to all my plans for the wedding, which made me angry and shut her out. I think she just couldn't imagine it and needed pictures.
DeleteIsn't it amazing how much input everyone wants to have in a wedding. I found it overwhelming! During our yearlong engagement, I felt like I was wearing a T-shirt that said "Hey, I'm getting married. Why don't you offer me every thought you've ever had about a wedding so you can help me plan it?"
It sounds like you are not ready to do any planning in terms of decor or style, which is fine. Just let your friend know where you are at now and that she shouldn't jump the gun on anything.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's strange that you are having trouble expressing what you want and don't want now. When I was a bride-to-be I felt an immense amount of pressure from everyone to be excited about picking out centerpieces and "colors", when all those details made me stressed out. I had no idea how to handle all the suggestions that people were hurdling at me, and every time a friend or family member saw me, all they asked about was the freaking wedding details.
Try to set limits about the wedding talk. Tell your friend that you don't want to talk about the planning yet and would rather hear about how she's doing. Shift the conversation. And set limits for how much the wedding takes over your life. Also, keep in mind that your friend could be helpful when you are ready to plan and figure out you and your future spouse's "vision" for the day. I tried to plan a large wedding on a small budget by myself -- I'm a total control freak and perfectionist -- and it was miserable. Help is really, really nice. My wedding taught me that I have to learn how to accept help from others.