Dear ESB,
Thank for making me laugh, first of all. And also, thanks for what you've already taught me in the land of modern wedding etiquette.
Now to something that I've been struggling with for some time. It's a familiar problem - the father of the bride. I hope you can help.
I have already decided he won't walk me down the aisle. He had little to nothing to do with bringing me up. He caused a lot of pain. To have him give me away, to my mind, is not on. (For the record, I think I am going to aisle-it alone - it feels most appropriate and also, at least dad won't feel as though I put someone in his place.)
We also don't plan to invite him to speak at the wedding. We think the formality of speeches is important and significant but also don't want them to drag on while every person who thinks they've earned a say has it. Speaking will be mother of the bride, mother of the groom (father has passed), best man, maid of honour and us.
There are two spanners in the works.
One, how does one broach this subject? I figure I do need to tell him. He continues to surprise me with how oblivious he is to the consequences of his past, hurtful decision so I'm thinking he's expecting to be called up on these honours.
Two, I am guessing he might go a bit mental at this news. I am nervous about this but also looking for advice as to whether I should be willing to budge. I won't budge on the aisle situation. I'd rather not budge on the speech sitch either BUT, I have recently learnt dad will contribute financially to the wedding. I am pleasantly surprised and grateful. I don't think it warrants a change in my mind but am I wrong? Has he purchased the right to speak?
Thanking you in advance for your thoughts....
*****
It shouldn't be too hard to say "Dad, just so you know, I'm planning to walk down the aisle by myself." I mean, right? Fuck him if he's offended.
But if you're allowing the guy to throw some money at your wedding, I DO think he has the right to make a speech. (Frankly, any one of your guests has the right to step up and say something if they want to.)
I agree. Especially if he's contributing financially, he should at least be given the choice to speak or not. Who knows, maybe he won't actually want to? But at least give the guy a chance to talk.
ReplyDeleteDitto
DeleteAgree with ESB 100% on this one. You can let your preference be known about the speech - in the sense of saying, we're trying to keep the speeches to a minimum...or you could just not mention giving a speech and if he gets up, he gets up.
ReplyDeleteDo not take money for you wedding from people that you want to have no say in your wedding. Recipe for disaster.
ReplyDeleteIf he says he wants to give a speech you can also give a time limit! There's no sense in letting him think he can drag on and on.
ReplyDeleteSo ask, if he says yes, say something casual like, "We don't want to bore everyone with a lot of long speeches so we're asking everyone to keep it to just a couple of minutes." That will give him enough time to say thank you and I love you. But little time to say anything too embarrassing.
I want to agree, but mmmmmmm, it depends on Dad. Don't take the money if he's going to go mental over not walking you down the aisle, and then use the speech as an opportunity to let everyone know how he feels.
ReplyDeleteso you don't want his participation but are ok with taking his money?
ReplyDeletethis is my situation except I am having my stepdad walk me down the asile. the whole how/when to have that talk has been in the back of my mind for months.
ReplyDeleteI agree that if you take money, you give Dad leverage to have a say in things like walking you down the asile and speaking. If you don't plan on taking the slightest of input from him. Don't take the money. Speaking from experience on this one...
my husband was paralyzed with fear when he saw his dad spontaneously reach for the microphone at our wedding, but he ended up making this heart-wrenching apology for being a terrible father and thanking my husband's sister for raising him to be a great man, blah blah, it was fantastic. everyone in his family went from holding their breath to crying and hugging.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is, your dad probably knows he's a dick. give him a chance to have a moment.
That's really great that your father in law realized what a dick he was and manned up, but I think the problem with most dick dads are that they have NO CLUE that they are dicks. I'm speaking from personal experience here; if my old man found out what a dick he really is, he would be shocked.
DeleteAgreed. My dad has no idea, and if anyone tried to tell him he'd never believe it. He lives in a dream world.
DeleteThat's a wonderful story! I think perhaps it's the exception rather than the rule though. Fiancee's father in law got drunk and made a scene at our engagement party and doesn't think he has anything to apologise for. Oblivious...
DeleteFirst, I love the idea of a bride walking herself down the aisle. If you would prefer to avoid confrontation (and the distinct possibility that your dad may pull his money out of your wedding budget at the last minute), talk to him early and frame it in terms of your distaste for the tradition of fathers walking their daughters down the aisle and giving them away like property. I tend to think that most dads will be somewhat proud of a daughter who says I am smart and independent and I will not be treated like I belong to anyone. Yes, this approach denies you the satisfaction of telling him how much of a dick he is, but if you really feel like you have to do that, you probably should not also take his money.
ReplyDeleteAs for speeches, tell him you are discouraging speeches at the actual wedding, but that you'd love for him to give a toast at the rehearsal dinner. You can make it sappy by telling him that you are afraid that you'll both get too emotional during the speech and you'd rather handle that during the more intimate dinner.
How are you going to handle other aspects of his involvement? Is his name going to be listed on the invitations as a host? Are you doing a father-daughter dance? If so, you can play up these things as ways you are recognizing his contributions, so maybe he won't be so upset about the aisle/speeches.
I agree with this completely. I have a very similar situation to yours and I think having speeches from family at the rehearsal dinner is the best option. Then just allow time for the Best Man and MOH to give their speeches at the wedding.
DeleteI am also curious on what you plan to do with the father-daughter dance? This is one I am still debating over.
I agree with this advice completely. That said, if you really don't want him to give a speech and are afraid that it will go terribly wrong, don't take the money. Sure, the money should be a gift with no strings attached, but the fact remains that he probably won't see it that way. Most people don't.
ReplyDeleteI dreaded telling my father that he AND my mom, who raised me, would be walking me down the aisle. He did a lot of really shitty emotional damage to my sister and me, yet he refuses to acknowledge or apologize for any of it, and actually blames us and resents my mom over a decade after their divorce. He's very irrational and always sees himself as either the victim or the hero. Anyway, I just told him very matter of factly, and explained my reasons why (well, in a very sugar-coated way), and didn't leave room for discussion. He was clearly pissed, so I just tried to be very calm and rational and use a little psychology. I said, "Dad, it's clear to me that you are upset right now. Can we talk about that?" He responded by denying that he was upset and repeatedly saying that he had just never heard of such a thing. Anyway, I hope this all turns out for you! Lots of dads just blow.
I have similar dad issues. We've decided that I'm walking myself to the back of the (very small) aisle, and my FH will walk from the front of the aisle to meet me and then walk me down the aisle.
ReplyDeleteI haven't told my dad yet, but we're having a super small wedding, so I'm hoping it won't be an issue since I can make the "casual ceremony" excuse.
I also have dad issues (parents are divorced, my relationship with my dad is cordial but he has done very little financially or emotionally to support me). I'm not sure if this is an issue for you, but one thing that used to really bother me was that my dad would only show up or contribute at really big/public moments in my life. I hated the idea that he was giving off the impression that he contributes more than he actually does or that this somehow absolves him for not being around all the other times. But then I realized that everyone who is close to me knows this about my dad already and I don't really want to use these events to punish him.
ReplyDeleteThis is all a long way of saying just do what you're comfortable with, not what you feel like you're obligated to do (e.g. make your dad happy vs. making a point). I don't think that by taking the money you're obligated to let him have a major role in your wedding. That said, if you're not afraid of what he has to say during his speech, why not give him a few minutes. He might have some really nice things to say.
OH MY GOD. Your first paragraph hits the nail on the head for me. My dad is totally about showing everyone else he has the perfect family - except to his own daughters! AND I also felt that given everyone I love knew about our relationship and his lack of support I didn't need to make any public statements by removing him from 'standard duties'.
DeleteIf anything, what he said in his speech made people more aware of what an absolute jerk he is and I have recieved so, so, so much more support from my new family. I kinda feel that laying all the shittness out to air resulted in me gaining more than what I've lost.
Good luck LW. Dad issues suck. You are not alone. Go with your gut. Things will be okay.
I guess I'm in the minority, but I don't think that a financial contribution means that someone has bought a right to do anything at your wedding that you're not comfortable with. Maybe if you had asked for money...but if it was offered freely, it's a gift, and gifts should come without strings.
ReplyDelete"Should" and reality are 2 different things.
Deletehi all...
ReplyDeletei am the bride to be and just want to offer a quick thanks to ESB and all the commenters. really nice to get a few points of view from outside my over-analytical mind.
xox