butch bridesmaid vs. meaniepants bride

Apr 1

Hi ESB,

I have been engaged for what seems like an eternity (not the issue) and one friend who was always going to be a BM. 

She is wearing this. I bought it at least 2 years ago (3? Who knows), and thankfully I still like it, as does my BM. 

My daughter (flower girl) will be wearing this. For the record, I bought it a year ago, realized it wasn’t going to fit and miraculously found the next size up at 50% off. Woo!

When we decided to set the date for later this year, I realized one of my great friends had become a best friend and in terms of BM’s she would totally rock it. Completely reliable and extremely creative - just what a girl needs. So naturally I asked her if she would be part of my wedding. She said yes. Yay!

I have asked her what she would like to wear, and she has told me it’s up to me. This totally bites. 

She has worn a dress twice in her life. She is 5’6”, about a sz 12 apple figure, and gay. I had thought she would look great in some slacks, shirt, suspenders (?), but she said she didn’t want to look like a screaming lesbian, although I imagine she would look great. She said she thinks bridesmaids should wear dresses. I am totally cool with it, but I am completely stuck for idea. Let’s be honest. On a day to day basis, she’s a tad butch. Winter’s uniform is jeans, a hoodie and Nike Airs, and in summer it’s board shorts, a t-shirt and Havaianas.

Her requirement is that it has sleeves of some sort (there’s a tattoo on her shoulder she absolutely hates and is in the process of removing), my requirement is it goes with the dresses of my other favorite ladies.

Help!

*****

Jul 1

what did you find??

*****

Jul 2

Didn’t. 

Thought we’d do away with BM’s altogether. (I think I got a tad lazy and put it into the Too Hard basket)

*****

Aug 13

Soo.

I said I had found this dress for her.

I was happy with it. She said she liked it. Then she didn’t. No bra. Huge issue. Apparently strapless bras don’t cut it for her puppies.

Then, she suggested I should replace her with my sister (who incidentally is now also a bridesmaid, so it’s turning out to be one big bridesmaid party). And I said why would I do that, however if she wasn’t feeling it, that’s cool with me. Then we got over the issue and I suggested this dress, which she liked most out of the 3 I suggested at that time, but wouldn’t give me her measurements, I had to measure her the next day when a tape measure would be brought in. Then the dress sold out over night (It was on sale, 70% off) before I could get her measurements. 

Then I suggested a bucket load of dresses, some thrown in there ‘cause she said I was choosing dresses her nana would like, then she called me meaner than her nana (we share a name and birthday) I said this would be mean. Haha.

All joking aside, what the fuck does she wear? My florist is a friend of hers and she agrees my BM looks uncomfortable in a dress. I’m leaning back towards pants and a top, so she will just need to get over the screaming lesbian look, which she wears so well on a day to day basis?

I don’t mean to sound snarky, or perhaps I do just a little, but we are now 2 months out from “my day” (fuck I hate that saying) and I want finality with her outfit. My preferred way of shopping is on the internet and if it doesn’t work, send it back. But now I am running short of time, and I am not sure how much of an option that is.

Do your readers have any suggestions?

For the records,
[This is the dress I have for my sister]

The required colour is grey.

*****

TELL HER TO PICK OUT HER OWN DAMN OUTFIT

And fuck the "required color." At this point, the lady just needs to be clothed.