Hi ESB,
My old friend (haven't seen her in a while) from college is getting married and is inviting our mutual friend (my girl bestie), myself & my fiance to her wedding. I don't like her soon to be husband, he smokes too much weed and drinks too much, he makes her life a constant soap opera (police problems, extended family issues, etc) and has done for 6+ years, it's the primary reason we don't see each other often anymore.
I don't want to invite him to my wedding (in the future) (just her) so can I just decline my fiance's attendance to her wedding and rock up with my best friend to our mutual friend's wedding and just not invite him when I get married? Is that really a no no?
*****
Doesn't matter if you don't bring your fiancé to her wedding. If you don't invite her (NEW) husband to yours, you will have some explaining to do.
Are you prepared to tell her you don't like her (NEW) husband?
Photo: Adrianna Glaviano via all the mountains
Here are your options:
ReplyDelete1. Go with your super-duper awesome plan of specifically not inviting your friend's new husband and be a huge asshole and hopefully get called out on it by your friend and mutual bestie girl. Because that *is* an asshole thing.
2. Have an incredibly small wedding where only the most intimate of friends and family are invited, or elope, with the knowledge that you're not inviting this specific friend solely so her new husband does not attend.
3. Suck it up, buttercup.
Nope, you can't invite one half of a couple. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteAssholes suck, but they usually behave themselves well enough at events like this. Sometimes they're good at masking their shitty personalities at parties. Don't make it into an issue, and enjoy both your wedding and theirs.
ReplyDeleteI've recently made the decision to shun my friend because of her assholeish boyfriend. He hasn't served time, but he's a "recovering" heroin addict who isn't in any kind of program and is continuing to make some ridiculously horrible decisions. In doing so, I've only really succeeded in unifying them as a couple and looking like a stellar bitch. If you invite only her to your wedding, you will probably end up with a similar result. I think you have to decide if the friendship is worth it.
ReplyDeleteyou've nailed it, anon.
DeleteWell, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I miss my friend, but in the end I'm pretty sure I made the best decision for me. The LW needs to figure out if she wants her friend plus the drama, or no friend at all. Then, just sack up and own your convictions.
DeleteYou have to invite him. He probably won't make an ass out of himself at your wedding, but if he does, maybe it will open her eyes to his true self. There's nothing YOU can say to open her eyes. Trust me, I've had those conversations.
ReplyDeleteAgree with ESB/commenters - you have to invite him (unless you want to have The Conversation).
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER, if you go with your plan for her wedding (not bringing your fiance, rocking out with best GF), maybe she'll just do the same when it comes time for your wedding? Make a big deal about how much more fun you think it will be/was.
I sincerely doubt this plan would work. She will not not bring her new husband just because you didn't bring your fiance to her wedding. And you probably would wish your fiance was there with you at her wedding. So either invite both of them if you want to remain friendly, or don't invite either of them (inviting half of a couple would cause the same result of not inviting them at all....likely leading to the situation that Anon 8:43 warned about).
DeleteSeriously, as others have said, you probably wont notice he is there day of. Unless, of course, you've seen him act erratically at other friends weddings. In which case this may require an uncomfortable conversation.
Whether or not your fiance attends their wedding, this plan will not work if you want to avoid a fight/have a relationship with this girl in the future. From personal experience, it is guaranteed to be a shitshow. Your options are A) invite the friend and her husband to your wedding and deal with it B) don't invite either of them (and be willing to end your friendship with this girl)
ReplyDeleteAlso, as someone who is presently on the receiving end of this one (my very old friend doesn't like my boo), I'm going to throw out there that I question the value of showing up at a wedding if you don't support the couple. The whole point of these things is to witness their commitment and offer your support to it. If you honestly can't do that, not cool to show up and bitch about the dude. I know a lot of weddings TURN INTO big dance parties, but let's not forget that "partying with your bestie" isn't really the point.
ReplyDeleteAs much as your friend deserves to say her vows to someone who is not lying when he says "I do," she ALSO deserves to say them in front of a group of people who are not lying when they say "we will."
So either decide to accept them as a couple (and go to their wedding and invite them to yours) or don't. Either way, you don't get to choose her family.
I completely agree. There was something about this that made me cringe that I couldn't put my finger on, but Virginia's nailed it.
DeleteWORD
DeleteDisagree.
DeleteI go to support my friends and family in their decisions, regardless of my personal feelings on the relationship.
You've seriously never gone to a wedding where you had doubt about the healthiness or longevity of the relationship?
But supporting them in this particular decision requires a modicum of support for the relationship. I think that "supporting the decision" requires at the very least 1) recognizing the couple as such (this is the one that seems to be a problem for the advice asker) and 2) not actively campaigning for a breakup.
DeleteHaving doubts is not the same thing as having a willful desire for something to not work out. If the latter is what I'm feelin, then no, I don't attend the nuptials. It's not only irresponsible guestmanship/friendship, those are also THE WORST weddings ever.
Okay, but she's saying that she *doesn't* support her friend in her decision. So why go if you're not going to be supportive on *any* front?
DeleteI'm pretty sure that's exactly what she said in her first comment, Anon. That if you're not going to be supportive, DON'T GO.
Deletewe disliked about 25% of the significant others invited to our (very small, very intimate) wedding. tough cookies. we still invited them. about 50% of the 25% have already broken up. THIS IS WHY YOU TAKE PHOTOS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, SEPARATELY AT THE RECEPTION. make sure you get a "girls" photo of you + your bestie + this girl with the bad husband sans partners.
ReplyDeleteI despise one of my friend's husband and he works for my husband to top the awkwardness off. He's just a perv (don't get in an elevator alone with him ever is all I can say) and a caught red-handed cheater (with prostitutes no less)... I've learned to stand being around him because she's my friend and I'd lose her as a friend if I banished him. And with a husband like that, she needs her friends. I'll admit though.. I still maintain a 10 foot personal space limit with him since he grosses me out so bad. And I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteSo much for anonymous... I meant to add... He'd also been at our wedding and I don't remember him being there. I hope my friend doesn't read this blog. Gah.
ReplyDeleteWell, you tried, unlike some people who write in with their copied and pasted emails!
Delete