Q.
Since you're *asked* to be a bridesmaid- is it ever all right to say no? One of my best friends asked 5 or 6 girls (none of whom I know) and I to be her bridesmaids in her incredibly lavish wedding-to-be (which is going to be held 10 states away from me). My husband & I recently (2 weeks ago) bought our first house, oh and speaking of your pre-pregnant question-asker- I may or may not be preggo. I know that being in her wedding is going to cost me a ton (realistically probably 2k), and we're saving every penny we've got. Plus, I've done the bridesmaid thing before & everyone knows it sucks. I don't want to feel resentful towards all of the requirements and "duties" that a traditional bride such as she expects.
I didn't have her or any of my other friends/family as a "wedding party" and just let them relax, worry about themselves, and party down. I'd like to just go as a guest & enjoy her day. There is no way I can say "I'm just not into it"; If I find out I'm pregnant in a couple weeks then it's a no brainer- I wouldn't haul my 8 mo. pregnant ass down the aisle in a bridesmaid dress and I'm sure she'd understand. But if not- I'm hesitant to use the "we're strapped for cash" excuse because money is no object, she'd just kindly pay. So how the hell do you say thanks but no thanks?
P.S. she's super sensitive.
sincerely,
screwed.
*****
Have you climbed up your own asshole??
I get that you are soooooooo over weddings, and you're fixing up your house and charting your cycle and all of that fun newlywed stuff, but when one of your BEST FRIENDS asks you to be a bridesmaid, you do not say "thanks but no thanks." You say "I would love to!"
Photo: Hailey Clauson by Aitken Jolly for EXIT Magazine Spring/Summer 2012 via Mode via Thunder In Our Hearts
lol at the pre-pregnant tag!! It's totally become a thing.
ReplyDeleteI know when you're super early in the pregnancy stages it's uncomfortable to share your news (or soon to be news?) but would you at least be able to tell your friend that you're trying, and that in all probability you could be super preggers at her wedding? And maybe offer to play some other role, like organize a shower or something?
I don't know ESB, normally I agree with most things you say but I actually think the whole bridesmaid thing is so over the top... (maybe because I'm from Holland) Here we mostly only have little girls as bridesmaids - I guess in the states that would be a flowergirl? You rarely see a grown woman in a special dress walking the isle before the bride, in my eyes it's quite a ridicolous role. But enough about me on to the problem... If you're asked it should be accepted to answer with a -no thanks- I think the reasons in this case are quite understandable, something the bride (if she is a good friend) should respect also.
ReplyDeleteI've grown up with the notion of bridesmaids (in Canada) and I have always thought it was ridiculous as well. Why would anyone make their closest female friends all come to the party of the year in the same dress? So bizarre, I'm glad someone else thinks so!
Deletemmm. I actually told a friend no. Her wedding was two weeks after my wedding in the same town we grew up in. We weren't super close, I think she just wanted another friend from home to round out the wedding party. I told her I would be just getting back from my honeymoon and would absolutely make it a priority to be at her wedding, but couldn't commit to being in the wedding.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm a bitch, but we are still friends.
I don't think you're a bitch, but I do think there's a difference between saying no to someone you're not that close to and saying no to one of your best friends.
DeleteI think that sounds like a totally legit reason, while this LW seems to be searching a bit for excuses and is just 'over' weddings, even those of her very close friends.
DeleteMaybe it's just how I read the letter, but ESB's reaction that you're "soooooooo over weddings" really stuck with me. It seems like you don't want to be a bridesmaid because now that your wedding is done, who cares about weddings? This girl, your friend, someone who hasn't had a wedding yet. If the money is the issue, let her pay.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with ESB's "soooooo over" reaction. She's a best friend? She did everything to be with you/help with your wedding? I know you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, but that's your thing. Then yes, unless you are going to be super pregnant, you need to be in the wedding. But like anonymous said, if cash is really tight (or you know it will be in a year when you have daycare bills) maybe just let her pay. As a recent bride I would gladly help out financially if it meant people who meant a lot to me were with me for the wedding.
DeleteAgreed. I feel bad for the bride -- hope some of her other friends can drum up some enthusiasm.
DeleteYou can totally say no, I said no to being maid of honor. And we're still friends.
ReplyDeleteBeing a bridesmaid is a huge expensive inconvenience in many cases (I get some people are cool and require nothing; say yes to those people) and if you're going to resent it, I think it's way better to GTFO then be the bitch dragging the rest of the bridal party down.
Just say you have a lot going on and are strapped for cash but would love to help in smaller ways - perhaps a reading.
this. all of it. who wants their friend to pay for them? thats a tad humiliating. just say no
Deleteyes being a bridesmaid is expensive. yes it's a hassle. but it means you are close enough where someone wants you to stand up and support their wedding, to be there and help plan it. you are basically saying to her "now that I'm done getting married I'm done with weddings and I don't care about yours" and its a bad friend move all around. Sorry you don't turn down a good friend's wedding bc its inconveinent. and you aren't pregnant yet.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with ESB here. Your personal choice not to have bridesmaids and your assumption that it sucks makes it seem like you aren't honored AT ALL by the fact that she wants you in her wedding.
ReplyDeleteI was a bridesmaid in my BFF of 20+ years - and it was one of the best honors I've ever had. I loved every minute and I was stuck in a god awful apple red bridesmaid dress from David's Bridal.
You do things for the people you love, even when it isn't convenient, fun or flattering. (I should add she thought the dress was spectacular)
You want to be a new mommy - great... But if you are expecting all of your friends to go through this journey with you, then you best expect to be excited when they are making the same life choices even if it happens after you are "so totally over it".
I like being a bridesmaid! I have pretty much always had good experiences being one (you know why? I have awesome friends).
ReplyDeleteI think you can say "no" to non-best-besties. I've seen where many of my friends were asked to be in weddings that they weren't really all that close to the bride (which seems ridiculous to me in the first place)...
But you can NOT say no to your BEST friend without a real reason. It not being "your thing" is not a reason. Money is potentially a thing but if she'd help pay for it, then what's the problem?
Being 8 mo. preg IS a problem, because if its 10 states away, you might not even be able to go (let's be real, kids). But in that case, you say "yes" now, and then talk to her about it if/when you find out you are preg. You still have to do all of the stuff you'd do for a wedding of a good friend - like going to showers, etc.
But really, you just don't want to to deal? That's sad and you're a crap friend. Sorry.
I assumed from this letter that the bride really isn't her BF after all. Screwed feels they are growing apart, they have different priorities. Sometimes it takes big events like weddings to realize this.
ReplyDeleteIf I'm wrong and you want this girl by your side for the next phase in life, you need to suck it up and stand with her.
i was just going to say EXACTLY this. it seems a little impossible to "BEST FRIENDS" with someone and not know their SIX other bridesmaids.
DeleteThat's an unfair accusation. One of my best friends is a friend from childhood; I know if she chose me to be a bridesmaid in her hypothetical wedding, I probably wouldn't know the other bridesmaids. We didn't go to college together and we live several states apart. I know this situation would apply to A LOT of other people, and in no way reflects the stability or closeness of the friendship.
DeleteYou can't read your own bullshit into the letter and then be outraged at a conclusion you've come to without any evidence. Jesus.
2nd anon- cool yer jets. The whole "I don't know the other bridesmaids" is just a line to use an excuse to say no. Even if she doesn't know the other maids, who cares? It's not a prerequisite to know everyone in the wedding party to be a part of it. "HURRR I DON'T KNOW THE OTHER GIRLS SO THIS IS AN OBVS OKAY REASON TO SAY NO."
Delete17 beats, that's just stupid. My fiance and I have lived away from home for a few years and have made a best friend who is going to be in our party (as best man), but until recently our other best friends didn't know her. It doesn't mean my bridesmaids who live between Arizona and New Jersey aren't also my best friends. That's a horribly narrow way to look at this situation.
DeleteIn any case, it sounds to me like since the LW is over and done with her special nontraditional wedding without sucky bridesmaids, she's completely unwilling to consider doing it for someone she claims to be her "best friend". Being asked to be a bridesmaid isn't always a sentence to be involved in shitty tasks. Being 10 states away and potentially pregnant might convince the bride to ask one of her 5-6 other bridesmaids to do some of the more godawful tasks you seem to be so disdainful of.
Miss Georgia, you didn't understand my comment. I'm only responding to the accusation that someone couldn't POSSIBLY be best friends with someone and not know their other bridesmaids; it's a ridiculous thing to infer. That's all I'm saying.
Deletei didn't mean it as an accusation -- i just meant that maybe 'screwed' isn't as close to the bride as she thought, and that she was feeling roped into something she wasn't prepared to do.
Deletesomething similar happened to me (without the baby situation) several years ago -- an old friend asked me to be a bridesmaid. i felt more obligated than honored. i ended up saying 'no' and everyone was happier for it.
I understood your comment! I was just adding to it. But it was super agro against 17Beats (who I disagree w/ on that bit).
DeleteThis is the line that gets me, "Plus, I've done the bridesmaid thing before & everyone knows it sucks. "
ReplyDeleteNo, sweetie, you can't universalize your opinions.
No, it doesn't always suck.
That being said, ave an honest conversation with the Bride to Be. Tell her you're stressed about money and stressed about pre-prego-land. Tell her that you don't want to be a downer as a BM but that you love her and want to show her support as best you can. Because you do love her and want to show her support, right? Right?
Sometimes supporting people means doing things you don't want to do for the other person.
I like it when it's obvious the question-asker (writer-in?) isn't getting the answer she wants.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry Miss Georigia. I've yet to comment before this. I'm the question-asker, wished to remain anon because my pal is a reader now & then. ESB knows this from my original email.
DeleteI'm sitting back, a little stunned at how sensitive of a subject this really is to some. i appreciate every comment & hope for more, good or bad! I'm sure I'll follow up eventually, baby or bridesmaid or whatever happens.
To elaborate on my "don't know the other maids" comment, we live very far apart, have for years, and most of her other maids are coworkers to fill out her half of the bridal party as her fiance has many groomsmen- her words, not mine.
If anyone would like to contribute to the $989 dress fund (+ shoes, alterations, $350 mandatory hair & makeup artist?), $500 plane ticket fund, $750 out of work for the trip fund, and/or $600 variety of crap fund just let me know. i can't imagine anything more embarrassing then ringing up your friend to hit her with those bills. Just saying.
just saying, its never cut & dry.
p.s. trust me when i say i don't "chart" or any of that prebaby nonsense. this is a big ole whoopsie daisy for a flat broke insurance-less couple with a big mortgage.
Deleteu mad???
DeleteFlat Broke, Insurance-less with a big mortgage.......
DeleteIt sounds like you are just frustrated and stressed with what is going on in your own life. But regardless, if money is not object for her why wouldn't you be honest about your situation? Just tell her you are worried you won't be able to afford it. *And how do you know she wouldn't be paying for things like dresses etc?
An important side note: I'm sure you've heard that babies are expensive... but if you are saddled with a mortgage you can't afford it might be time to rent it out or get rid of it. I had a friend who was in a big mortgage, got pregnant and they ended up losing the house because they had some complications and she was on bed-rest... NO insurance.
No bueno.
You know what's more embarrassing than asking a friend to help with 'your' bills? Asking a friend to spend FOURTEEN HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS on her appearance to be in your wedding.
DeleteHere's the question: is it or is it not about the money? If it's about the money, tell her you can't swing it. If she offers to cover the clothes and make-up and shoes and WHATEVER, take her up on it.* (You're on the hook for the plane ticket either way. You're planning to go to her wedding if you can, right?)
If it's not about the money, well. Hope you're pregnant and don't have to tell her she doesn't mean that much to you?
*Side rant: let your friends who are getting married help you if you need it. If they offered, they effing want to.
Yeah, I mean, this whole situation is different if the question is really "My best friend wants me in her wedding but it will cost me $3K that I do not have. Can I tell her I can't do it?"
DeleteI think it's a legitimate concern if a friend wants a certain kind of wedding but a bridesmaid can't afford it.
You can't put a price tag on friendship. Meaning that you shouldn't be expected to spend more than you can afford just to prove your friendship to this person. But we should all be able to expect our friends to be open and honest in situations like this.
ReplyDeleteDon't assume that being a bridesmaid sucks.
Don't bow out of being one just because you've 'been there, done that' or because you didn't have a wedding party - this is her day, and you should be supportive of that as her friend.
Do have a conversation with the bride, expressing your concerns, and trust that she can work with you to find something that works for both of you.
If I were the bride here, I'd much rather know what's up with everyone than to either a) have a close friend say 'no thanks' with no good reason or b) have a resentful bridesmaid who goes into the whole thing assuming it'll suck (a pretty much guaranteed way to make it suck for you and those around you).
It seems like you are disdainful that her wedding style is different and that she is choosing to have bridesmaids. That is bad friend behavior and rude. If she is one of your best friends you need to grab your lady balls and sack up. And for good measure, stop being judgemental about her wedding choices--that will make being a bridesmaid more joyful.
ReplyDeleteI was a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding 10 states away too, with people I did not know, (and honestly weren't really that nice to me), I spent over $1500.00 on travel/expenses and I had a freaking BLAST. Some old friends showed up and we partied hard. Plus, I met my current boyfriend at that wedding. 100% worth it...of course you're married and wanting to get preggers...way different from my situation I guess, but you can still go and have fun.
ReplyDeleteSo, to summarise: YOU CAN'T BE ARSED?
ReplyDeleteWell say no then. That's totally permitted.
BUT if the bride-to-be (your 'best friend'? really? I mean, you sound pretty disdainful of her whole deal. Frankly it doesn't sound that you like her that much?) is upset, I don't think you can reasonably feel aggrieved if that is your explanation.
Clearly you can say no (go! self-determine!) but we all need to deal with the consequences of our actions - particularly when it comes to the impact our choices have on relationships with loved ones.
A charitable alternative interpretation: are you an introvert?
I can imagine how the idea of being in a prolonged social relationship with 6 girls you don't know might make you anxious. Or committing to social functions generally?
If that's anywhere near the truth, then I offer anecdotally that I've always felt far better the time's I've sacked up and said 'yes' to that sort of thing even though right up until I left my front door I'd secretly rather have stayed home.
You're so charitable! I'm an extreme introvert and wasn't going to give the writer-in that generous interpretation but am glad you put it out there. And, from being in this situation, you will still likely have fun at the actual event, even if it gives you chills right up until the moment you meet up with the other bridesmaids. And even if you don't have fun during the event, it will be worth it afterwards knowing you don't need to go out and make a new best friend.
DeleteAlso: WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF ALL THE IMAGINARY FOETUSES
ReplyDeleteseriously......what is with everyone who is SO over being a bridesmaid. It is someone who cares about you asking you to stand up with them and support them in their incredibly personal and emotional decision! If money is the problem and she's willing to pay then what the fuuuuuuck. Clearly you're not as good of friends with her as she thinks.
ReplyDeleteI still can't understand why people think it's reasonable to ask their bridesmaids to spend tons of money on stuff they will 1. likely never wear again and 2. their own hair and makeup. If you want people to look a certain way on your wedding day, brides, you should pay.
ReplyDeleteShe asked you and immediately had a $989 dress and shoes and $350 makeup/hair already figured out?? Any time I've been asked to be in a wedding we figure out what the dress will be a few months in -- also, generally that means there are other bridesmaids to talk to, with opinions about what they can spend, etc...
ReplyDeleteI was asked to be a bridesmaid last fall, and I hemmed and hawed for a few days before landing on a yes. I felt very similar to you - I dreaded it was expensive and intrusive, and it loomed large. However! I had a great time, and found the experience to be really mild and fun.
ReplyDeleteTalk to the bride. Tell her some of your concerns - you're looking to start a family, the expense seems to be overwhelming, you're unsure of your role...see what she says.
i really dont get the vibe that these girls are best mates. i dunno...i once agreed to be bridesmaid for someone who is 'sensitive' because we were best friends for a period and it felt the right thing to do. I'm not particularly into the whole bridesmaid thing, but i know she wanted me there.
ReplyDeletelets just say despite doing the right thing and bending over backwards to help out, we're not friends anymore.
'Sensitive' can become 'bridezilla' and then you really ask yourself 'why did i bother...'
Id just use the baby excuse - it's more kind...(sort of)
I can't get past the bad grammar....
ReplyDelete$360 for hair and make up? I am paying the $60 for my girls' hair because THEY wanted to get their hair done and it seemed like a nice gift. Anyway as a onetime bridesmaid and a current bride I have approximately zero expectations for bridesmaids aside from getting a dress, showing up and putting on a happy face. Who are these people who want to burden their friends?
ReplyDeleteI disagree. It shouldn't be indentured servitude. People should be able to say, "Thank you, I really appreciate it, but I'm just not going to be able to do a good job and enjoy it right now."
ReplyDeleteYES. There's a reason you ASK someone to be a bridesmaid. Of course saying no may have an impact on your friendship, but it has to be allowed.
DeletePerhaps it would be fair to yell hypocrite if this lady had had bridesmaids at her own wedding. But clearly she wasn't into that idea then, any more than she is now. Sounds to me like she had a low key wedding that her friends could just show up to and have a good time. So how is she amiss for not wanting to spend 2k being a bridesmaid at someone else's wedding? I think the idea that every time someone asks you to be a bridesmaid it's some kind of huge honor that you just can't say no to is bullshit. The idea that she has her head up her ass if she doesn't just say yes- COME ON. I have no sympathy for social customs that can't evolve, or people.
ReplyDeleteYES. You can and should say no if you just...can't. End of story. It's all part of the 'My super special day is your day to worship me!' bs. Ugh.
ReplyDelete