Dear ESB,
My fiance and I are getting married very soon. We are getting SUPER excited, but I have a really strange guest list situation that I need to resolve. When we made our list months ago, my fiance included a couple who are his friends from undergrad. These friends live in Texas and the wedding is taking place in Chicago.
Among their group this couple is NOTORIOUS for saying that they'll be somewhere and then inexplicably not showing up. In fact, when they replied yes for our wedding another friend made the comment, "Don't believe them." Our final number is due to our caterer on Friday, and we would really like to avoid paying for people who are unlikely to actually show up. Last night my fiance asked what their travel plans are so we could decide to include them or not. They said they're planning to make the 20 hour drive, but they don't know when they're traveling, whether they'll take one or two days for the trip, and they have no reservations at a hotel or plans for lodging.
We think there's a less than 10% chance that they're actually going to follow through and be at the wedding. We all know that it's expensive to host a wedding, and we had to make some hard decisions about our guest list, so I think the difference of 2 people is significant enough to think about.
So here's my question: What do I do? Do I take them out of the final number, even though they say they're going to come? That doesn't seem ok to me. Can I include them in the final number, but invite a couple of other local friends at the last minute in the event that they decide to bail? Is that rude to the last-minute guests? Or just deal with it?
I'm not going to lie, I regret the decision to invite these people over other friends, but I'm wondering what's acceptable now that we're dealing with this situation.
*****
Include the flakes in your final numbers (obvs) and prepare to be pleasantly surprised if they show.
Now go write your fucking vows. This is not something you should waste your energy on.
Photo: Zuzanna Bijoch by Catherine Servel
Ok this might sound horrible but depending on your wedding, such as on the larger side and not sit down, id say to leave them off. We had the same issue where some people are just flakey or might be sick ot just cant make so yes i did pribably undercut my final number by a few. Most venues provide food fot 10% over your head count bc there are always these guests that bring a date or friend and never acknowledge this in the rsvp, its not like they head count as people walk in. We did have some no shows and there was more than enough food. So if u did say 2 less and they did end up miracously making it no ones going to know/care. Just dont invite people last minute.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your venue, ours just told us that they would be more willing to adjust numbers up than down after the count due date, I would take them out of the final count but have a plan to accommodate them if they show up.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The caterer will have enough food to make 2 extra plates if these people decide to show, so leave them off the count until you know for sure. Your caterer will be more than happy to charge you for 2 extras if they do come, but they're definitely not going to give you a refund if they don't. We ended up having 2 extras at our wedding who RSVPd no and then ended up deciding to come last-minute. Our caterer accommodated them and just charged us extra, and it wasn't a big deal.
DeleteOn the bright side, if they don't show, you have an excellent reason to never, ever invite them to events in the future.
ReplyDeleteis that model wearing a cod piece?
ReplyDeletegiant black maxi pad.
DeleteUnder no circumstances should you invite anyone last minute. Regardless of whether you include them in your numbers or not (I say don't, your caterer will have made extras), it's rude to invite people as an afterthought.
ReplyDeleteI have received "late invites" from acquaintances before and I definitely think it can be done in a non-rude and non-offensive way.
DeleteOP, I guess use discretion on who you throw a late invite at - make sure it's someone that doesn't care about traditional etiquette!
I side with Amanda on this, nobody likes to be told they're B list. It's also a little inconsiderate to the other guests who've gone through the whole formal RSVP process and planned in advance to be there.
DeleteJust ask the caterer to make take-home boxes and give to family/the band/whoever if there are leftovers. Not worth stressing over.
We invited two friends a week before our wedding, and they showed up and happily partied with us -- whereas extended family who were invited months and months earlier flaked out even though they rsvped yes.
DeleteEveryone was really happy with how it turned out.
I think people who think they're on the A list don't like being told they're on the B list.
DeletePeople who are comfy on the B list are not offended that they're only invited once obligatory Great Aunt Mildred drops out.
yup, people who have no expectation of an invite seem to be pleasantly surprised to get a late-ish one
DeleteI'm just wondering who these people are that EVERYBODY knows won't show up and who you people are that you all let them get away with this and keep inviting them to things that require a response/their presence!
ReplyDeleteSeriously!
Deletesame here! who doesn't show up to a wedding without telling the bride and groom?!
DeleteI think this happens to most people. I had a total of 5 no-shows who had rsvped yes. It's possible this is a Portuguese thing, where one person answers the whole family will be there whether they want to or not.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I'm really glad we gave a late-invite to slightly newer friends without giving a new number to the caterer. It made our no-shows 3 instead of 5, our friends got to be there, and they didn't bat an eyelash at the last minute thing (but maybe cuz they're Polish??).
Don't invite anyone last minute as they will know they are only filling in and will feel like a second option.
ReplyDeleteCall up the 2 people in question again. Explain that you are sorry to ask them again, but you are going through your numbers for the catering company. Explain that you would love them to be there, but ask them if they have made any more commitments to accommodation. Explain how you understand that it's up to them to come or not and you understand how it's a long drive for them.
Be honest and say that you don't want to pay for their food if they don't come. If they say yes then include them.
If you don't want to speak to them again, include them. And if they don't turn up, then they are not your friends for messing you about.
Unless your wedding is a miracle of some sort, you will have people who don't show up and have no decent explanation. It might be those two, it might be someone else. It sucks and you can't agonize over it too much.
ReplyDeleteInclude them in your final numbers and let it go (although you might want to seat them somewhere slightly out of the way, where it won't drive you nuts to have to look at their empty seats all night).
I wish someone would have warned me before my wedding just how common this problem actually is. Probably 20% of our guests never bothered to send back their rsvp cards, and we had about 4 people who said that they would be there not show. There is no excuse for this kind of terrible rudeness, but just know that it's pretty normal and your group of friends isn't less considerate than average. I think a lot people just don't realize that their flakiness results in you wasting your money, as difficult as it is, don't take it personally. Include the friends who said they would be there, and try not to get too bent out of shape if they don't show.
ReplyDeleteThe model's legs in this picture scare me...
ReplyDeleteget over it and move on, like esb said. so your friends are flakes- we all have one or two of 'em. if those 2 seats are going to break you than maybe you should have eloped.
ReplyDeleteThis is "a situation"? Really? Two people that may or may not show up is putting you into a tailspin? And those two people will break your catering bank?
ReplyDeleteYou say that they are NOTORIOUS for doing this, yet you still seem surprised that they have .... done this.
Move on. Good grief. Certainly you have bigger fish to fry.
Don't include them in the final count. When we were planning our wedding I kept hearing stories of people canceling in the last two weeks , so when we gave our final numbers to the caterer I told them we had 5 fewer guests to leave room for the cancellations. We had two last minute cancellations and one no show and the caterer had no problem providing for two extra guests the day of.
ReplyDeleteWhile two people may not break the bank, costs add up and we were happy to save the 600 dollars.
Your wedding dinner was $300 a plate? I'm jealous... and reconsidering elopement...
DeleteSeriously, two people can throw off the entire catering cost, for two extra places? I highly doubt that. I understand that paying for a wedding can be costly and scary, but you cant scrimp and save around every tiny corner. You invited them, you anticipated you might need to pay for their plates. Get over it.
ReplyDelete