My fiance and I live on the east coast, but are getting married in the midwest (where both of our families are). My parents are paying for most of the wedding, with a few contributions from my future in-laws. My fiance and I are both students so paying for a wedding ourselves was pretty much out of the question. It is a smallish wedding, nice but nothing over the top. I am super busy and didn't want to make myself crazy with unnecessary details and DIY b.s. Our wedding is less than 30 days away, and my mom has recently gone off the deep end and made it all about her.
My mom and I went together to pick out the venue, did the tasting, picked out flowers, had a trial-run hair appt., bought decorations, etc., TOGETHER. My fiance came along to scout the venue but wasn't able to make a second trip back to the midwest so the rest of the decisions were mostly made by my mom and me. My mom is very controlling and can be very negative. While I am usually very easygoing and pretty much let her call the shots, I was more firm and assertive with the wedding planning. Partly because I do feel like it's one of the few times in my life it is about me, and partly because most of her opinions were based on impressing the guests rather than any of her own preferences.
Fast forward to now, less than a month before the wedding, and she has now called to tell me how angry and hurt she is because she says I excluded her from EVERY decision about the wedding. That is not how I see it. She gave me input on almost every decision, but in some cases I made my own decisions and did not go along with her input. To be clear, the overall wedding is exactly what she wanted (as in the venue, food, ceremony, etc. are all consistent with her "input"). The details that I didn't compromise on are minor, like table runners, number of people in the wedding party being even on both sides (she wanted it to be even, I said my fiance and I were going to ask who is important to us and not worry about numbers), I let the bridesmaids choose their own dresses (she wanted them to match exactly), etc.
There are a few decisions I made on my own without asking for her input (readings for the ceremony, the sash for my dress), frankly because I was pretty tired of her criticism (she spent at least 30 minutes on the phone criticizing my fiance's choice of suit, for one example). For the record, there was not one decision she directly said she wanted to make on her own, just a lot of criticism and indirect comments.
She has now told me that she is irreparably hurt and that "this can never be undone." She has also said that my excluding her has ruined the wedding. To add to that, she said I am selfish, self absorbed, and that she will be bitter forever about how I ruined this for her because I am her only daughter. She said that weddings are supposed to be a "mother-daughter" event (I would disagree and say they are a family celebration, and the focus should be the couple).
I feel terrible that she is saying this to me, but I also feel like I included her in every decision so I feel like her hurt feelings are unwarranted. My guess is she is mad that she didn't get to MAKE every decision. I also think it is new for her that I am being a little more assertive and she's having a hard time accepting it. I don't want to have all of these negative feelings and anxiety about how she's going to behave the day of the wedding. My fiance is great, my friends are all happy and supportive, and my dad doesn't seem to have any hurt feelings (my parents are still married so they talk to each other about this). So if not for this, I would feel great about the wedding coming up.
I'm not sure, should I apologize to her? And if so, for what? Am I being selfish? Right now I feel terribly guilty and am not sure what to do.
*****
Your mom is behaving like a five-year-old because she's sad that you're all growed up. (Irony, much?) She just realized that in 30 days, you realllllllllly won't need her any more.
You DO NOT owe her an apology, but cut her some slack. Just tell her, "I love you, mom. The wedding is going to be beautiful."
Photo by Sofia Sanchez and Mauro Mongiello for Numero via Trendland
Yes, it is happening because she's realizing she's not in charge of your life anymore (your just-roll-with-it attitude before, while I commend you for it, made it seem like she was still sort of in charge of your life up until the wedding). I can't imagine any good can come from a confrontation, but maybe this is a chance to point out all of the things you are SO GLAD she helped with and how much it means to you that she was available to help make decisions when your fiance couldn't be there (because honestly, my mom got to help me pick the dress and that's about it because my fiance and I made all the decisions). Overplaying her influence probably couldn't hurt even if it sucks that she's put you in this position to begin with.
ReplyDeleteYup. I would also encourage you to see a therapist. My relationship with my family has gotten much better since I got 6 months worth of professional advice about dealing with them. You might not have time before the wedding, but if this is AT ALL characteristic of your mom I bet you'll still want it post-wedding.
ReplyDeleteI second this! You also may want to do at least a few sessions with your mom if you can -- especially if you're going to have kids, you'll want your relationship with her to be more transparent, hopefully balanced, and understand the best way to communicate boundaries. CHEERS!!!!
DeleteI think that in my case joint sessions would not have been that helpful. Mostly I talked with the therapist about how to communicate with them and where I wanted to set my boundaries. Having them in the room would have set up a whole different set of expectations which might have made things worse.
DeleteI agree about seeking a short-term (or long-term) therapist. even if you could just meet with someone once before the wedding to help you clear your head. what a shame to feel guilty about your own wedding.
DeleteOMG, REITERATING (other) Anonymous' point about if you're going to want kids - please do what it takes to not let her treat you this way over EVERY parenting decision.
DeleteI went through this same shit with my mom during my wedding. As ESB said, this is probably all coming from her own anxiety of 'losing' her daughter. Confronting her would most likely be unproductive. Try and make her feel heard, cut her some slack, and communicate that you really have appreciated her input and help and that you're sorry this has resulted in her feeling hurt. Just know that this isn't about you or the wedding so much as it is about her feeling a loss.
ReplyDeleteAlso, THERAPY = YES. I got married a year ago and have been talking about mom dynamic since. The wedding brought everything to the surface so it was definitely helpful to sort through the bullsh with a professional afterward.
ReplyDeletehmm sounds like she's pulling a major guilt trip on you because your asserting your independence. So say your sorry if her feeling are hurt, you appreciate her input and your sure the wedding will be great then ignore her complaints. Also therapy,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very familiar, and I think it's pretty common. My mom and I had a knock-down, drag-out fight over the music at my wedding. She was convinced that I would choose a bunch of obscure music that no one else would like or want to dance to, even though I'm not, in fact, a huge idiot. She screamed at me and called me a bitch. But she got over it, and I did too. Just don't take anything too personally because it's more about her than it is about you.
ReplyDeletedear future sister-in-law, is this you? I hope for your sake it's not! hang in there girl.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, weddings bring out the worst in people. I suppose smoothing it over is the best thing to do, so you could invent some wedding decision 'emergency' that you need her help with. Something not too important.
ReplyDeleteThis resonates with me a bit, as I think my mum would expect to be included in a lot of decisions about any future wedding I may have. But she wouldn't whine like a little bitch about it. And if she did, I wouldn't be long telling her so.
-Hannah
You are obvs a grown-up capable of making decisions and managing your life, but the last paragraph of your letter suggests you are just as uncomfortable with your grown-uphood as your mom is. It is troubling and you should both maybe talk to somebody.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't expect an apology from her, but I personally think she owes she owes you one for spilling her negativity all over you (for years, apparently!).
In a way, its good that this is happening now. It gives you time to prepare yourself mentally for the wedding and if she doesn't improve her attitude before then, you can at least make a conscious choice to not let it bother you and instead enjoy your celebration and everyone else who loves you and is not being crazy.
ReplyDeleteMy mother decided to act like a 5 year old on the day of my wedding (having acted normal up till then). It took me by complete surprise and made it very difficult to enjoy my big day. She was crying literally 2 minutes before I walked down the aisle over some imagined snub from me. This continued for the rest of the day. I wasn't mentally prepared for her reaction, and I spent my whole wedding worrying about her.
I also concur with all of the therapy advice. Good luck girl. Don't let the moms get you down.
i agree, it's much better to have advance notice about mom's insanity than to have it sprung on you on your wedding day. my mother turned into a nightmare from the moment of my engagement and it continued well after my marriage. i tried to include her, i tried to appease her, i tried to make her happy all throughout the planning, but she never really acted happy about my engagement or my wedding. so, i just accepted that was how she was going to be. knowing she was acting crazy allowed me to just minimize the attention i paid to her and instead to focus on enjoying my husband and our special day. now, it's funny in a very sad sort of way to look at the wedding pictures and see so many happy faces ... and my mother's sourpuss. i agree with the therapy. i wish i had got some earlier, i am still dealing with guilt from my mother over not making my wedding a special day for her.
Deletebut, know that you can have an amazing and fantastic wedding, even if your mother doesn't chose to enjoy it.
I'm assuming that you and I are a little alike: I hate being angry. I hate it so much that I start to feel really terrible and guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong!
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to apologize just because you're mother's mad.
But you can take a deep breath, let all the unfounded guilty go. Tell her you love her and then put it OUT of your mind.
Enjoy your wedding, don't let any of the negativity or bickering get to you in the home stretch. (easier said than done, I know)
But when you look back on your wedding, you don't want to cloud all the awesome happy wonder of it with tension, guilt, and anxiety.
Moms are weird. I had a hard time getting my own to even care about the wedding--I can't imagine that she'd want to make decisions! Which was nice in some respects, because we did get to keep the whole thing very simple like we wanted. On the other hand, it was really hurtful at times to feel like I was begging her to care. It's not that she wasn't really, really happy, she just did not care to be very involved. In retrospect, I probably should have just TOLD her that yes, mom, it would be really nice if you could be there while I get ready for MY FUCKING WEDDING. Sigh. Whatever. It's all over now and I'm sure most mom-crazies, whichever way they go, stem from their feelings about their babies being all grown up.
ReplyDeleteI would express to her that you are VERY sorry that she is so hurt, that it makes you really sad to hear that she feels the way she does, that it was never your intention to leave her out, that you had so much fun doing wedding stuff with her and that you are very surprised/sad that she doesn't feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteBasically, show her that you care and are really concerned and even sorry that she is hurt, without apologizing for anything specific that you did or didn't do, since it sounds like there isn't anything.
Just put in the extra effort to reassure her how much you love her and are excited about sharing your big day with her, even if it's annoying to have to do that. If you are kind and loving and sensitive to her hurt feelings (however unwarranted!) then at least you know that you've done everything you can do and that you really have nothing to apologize for!
Isn't it weird that mother's live vicariously through their daughter's weddings? To say that you are ruining this day for her (uh, is SHE the one getting married?) means that her own mom probably didn't let her make any decisions for her own wedding day ... and she has been waiting years and years to 'get her chance.'
ReplyDeleteTell her you love her and that you're sorry that she feels the way she does, but also tell her that this is, in fact, your wedding and though she may disagree with some of the decisions that were made, it's what you want because it's your day.
Then take thee to a therapist. Especially if there's going to be kids one day. She has nightmare grandmother written all over her ... and will perhaps sabotage your parenting decisions.
This sounds exactly like my mom. I want to give you a big hug. Short-term: I agree with the comment above that highlighting/over-exaggerating the value of the input she's given will help. Because I hate confrontations when she pulls this stuff I find it easier to write her an appeasing email. I apologize "that she's hurt" but I never say I'm sorry for any specific actions (if I'm not).
ReplyDeleteLong-term: I agree with what posters are saying above about therapy and it getting even harder when you have kids (my mom treats my brother and his wife the same way and called me screaming that my sil was a bitch the day their daughter- my Mom's first grandchild was born. Trust me, it can get worse ).
I think this is happening because your mother is a damaged person. I am so sorry. You will need to find some way to put her aside as you go forward.
ReplyDeleteDear OP, from your letter, I actually think this is a serious situation.
ReplyDeleteThe kinds of things you say your mother has said to you are emotionally abusive, manipulative and damaging.
I don't think you should consider for one second apologising to her, given that you have behaved so well. She has been extremely hurtful to you and behaved appallingly.
I have watched the effects of this kind of negativity, constant criticism, judgement, ultimatums, acting like a victim, on a loved one. The effects are low self-esteem, lack of boundaries (inability to say no), shutting off from the world, depression and anxiety. Of course I don't know you and this may not describe your situation at all, I apologise if I am missing the mark.
However, if this is ringing a bell for you, know that you are not to blame. You are a loving, good person.
I recently came across these websites offering support to women who experienced emotionally abusive mothers. Again, of course, this may not relate to you, but I'm linking to it anyway just in case it helps.
http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
http://www.lightshouse.org/
Find a good therapist.
I don't know what to suggest to say or do about the current situation, how to repair it, how to heal it. From reading the letter it sounds like she is solely to blame for creating this hurt, and there may be nothing you can do other than look after yourself and find support elsewhere. I wish you all the best, and may your wedding and marriage be filled with joy.
One more thing. I wouldn't consider taking your mum to therapy with you. Therapy is meant to be a safe space for you to explore your feelings.
DeletePlease don't feel guilty for not including her in your healing journey. Therapy can be the best gift you can give to yourself and you must protect it from anyone who hurts you in any way.
Okay... I guess I am alone in thinking that the best way to assert your independence as an adult is to wait until you can pay for your OWN wedding? Your mom is probably acting out of line because she feels confused about your new-found independence while you are still relying on your parents to FUND everything.
ReplyDeleteFinish school --> get a job --> get married (and pay for it yourself, no emotional strings attached).
I don't mean to sound harsh, it just seems pretty obvious to me :)
PS: if your mom is funding your schooling and living arrangements right now too then... oof... no wonder this is complicated.
Deletei don't know, man. just because you're in school, it doesn't mean you're not an adult or have a job. i have plenty of friends who are still in school with a job... in their thirties. furthermore, being an "adult" doesn't necessarily mean you can fund a wedding.
Deleteand what's wrong with parents willing to help their kids out? isn't that what good parents do? lend a helping hand when they can? i'm not talking fully supporting their "adult" children, because that's obviously debilitating and a whole other mess of problems, but i think it's safe to say that many parents have a somewhat bigger savings account than their kids do. IF a person has parents who are ABLE and willing to pay for their wedding, why should they be made to feel like a dick for it?
trust me, i was an ADULT when i got married. i have not depended on my parents financially since my late teens. and although my husband and i had some money to contribute to a wedding, we weren't exactly bringing in the big bucks at the time. we had three options: 1. put it all on a credit card (kinda dumb), 2. allow my mom who WANTED to help, help, or 3. elope... which would have CRUSHED my mom and my husband's parents, and now that i have a child of my own, i totally get that sentiment. so yeah, if my girl decides to get married one day and i happen to have some pretty decent cash flow going, you better believe i'll be more than happy to sign those checks.
all that being said, using money to control and be a jerk to your kids is downright gross. if that's the kind of person someone is, then they probably have no business procreating in the first place.
I 100% agree Celia. Not being able to pay for your wedding does not make you a child. My husband was (and still is) in school when we got married, and I'm a teacher, so paying for a wedding ourselves was not going to happen. Our parents, on the other hand, are all doing well, and were willing and able to contribute. Accepting their help didn't make me less of an adult, and I would want to help my own kids fund their wedding someday.
DeleteAlso in agreement with Celia. Shitty people make doing an incredibly kind (and traditional) thing into a selfish act. My husband and I couldn't have afforded the wedding we had, and would've been just as happy with an affair we could have. Accepting help from my parents didnt make me less of an adult and certainly would not give my parents any right to control me.
DeleteThis lady doesn't owe her mom any kind of an apology, but if it will help calm the waters an "I'm sorry you feel excluded" might be worth it. Hopefully her mom will grow up in time to enjoy herself at her only daughter's wedding.
Agree with ESB, except I think you should apologize. Not for "ruining the wedding," but for the fact that she feels excluded (maybe it wasn't by any means your fault, but if she thinks she has been excluded, that's something to address). A simple apology acknowledging you're sorry that she feels the way she does could be all that's needed to clear the air with her.
ReplyDeleteResponse to ESB tweet - women DO apologize too much! I know I was trained to be apologetic and deferential by my family. I am having to unlearn that habit because it is not good for my career in a very competitive, male-dominated workplace. I find your blog refreshing because you are a strong, unapologetic woman. Yes, we need to be kind and considerate. But we do not have to apologize for everything.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but maybe men apologize too little. I like that we ladies are looking out for the feelings of others and by nature want to make relationships right. I wish more men would drop the effing egos and follow our leads.
DeleteI totally get working in a dude's world and needing to play by those rules, but damn, this crap is wearing me out. I don't want to fit into their world anymore...I want a whole new world. Where I can apologize like nobody's business and stop worrying if that makes me seem weak.
Dude, that sucks. Mommy is being a total asshole. I would not apologize for anything. FYI, moms do this, it's a thing. Usually they snap out of it, but sometimes you just have to draw the line.
ReplyDeleteGive her the silent treatment for a while and see if she calms down. You might recruit her partner or another sibling to try to talk to her and give her some perspective.
Its likely she'll come around before the wedding day, but if not, you may have to give her an ultimatum...as in "shut up and play nice or don't come at all."
Uuurgh. Sounds just like my mum.
ReplyDeleteI hope she comes around. Otherwise, it is your wedding.
Thanks to mum for the support but this is also about your life and future with your soon to be husband.
All the best!
Sounds like my mom too... Best of luck lady, I'll be right there along with you in 9 months or so.
ReplyDeleteTo go along with some of the parents-paying comments above, my husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves:
ReplyDelete1. We did it (mostly) for my MIL, who wanted us to have a Wedding (she would have understood if we hadn't, or rather she would have SAID she understood, but she would have been heartbroken); but also partly for us, as even a "small, just family" wedding would have had an invite list of about 70 people, so we decided not to stress and did the whole she-bang and invited our friends, too.
2. My mom wanted us to "wait" to get married so she "had time to save" so she could pay for a portion of it. Husband and I had no interest in "waiting" an indeterminate amount of time just to get a nominal sum ...
... and my mom went ballistic.
She went ballistic, saying she didn't understand why we were "rushing" (we had an 8 1/2 month engagement, had been together 3 years, lived together, had a dog together, I was 29 he was 34 when we got married ... etc.); why we had to get married "right after" my cousin (her wedding was 2 1/2 months before mine) (caused a temper tantrum from my uncle on this, too, God only knows why); ...
...
but, mostly, she went ballistic because she thought she was losing me.
If. Only.
We still talk every day. The only way our relationship has changed is, now my husband is my next of kin, and beneficiary on my retirement accounts and my life insurance.
So, I think that's the ticket - you need to make her realize that she's not losing you. The whole adage "I haven't lost a daughter, I've gained a son" is really corny, but it is true. My mom's gained a son. Husband goes over to her house and fixes stuff for her. He's going to build her a fence this summer. I mean ... I love my mom but I sure as hell am not going to build her a fence! (Not to say a woman can't build a fence ... but, yeah, no, not this woman.)