Hello ESB,
I read your blog daily, and I was hoping to never have a problem that would rise to ESB-level, but unfortunately I wasn’t so lucky. I will try to be as brief as possible.
My FH is from New Zealand. He has a younger brother, "Mike", who is 34. Mike has been with "Emily" for at least 7 years (they have lived together for that long). They are not engaged, and I don't think Mike has any plans to propose (a whole different topic completely). When I first met her last year in Auckland she immediately vented her frustration with not being engaged and told me she planned to propose to Mike on Leap Day (2012). However, in January, my FH proposed to me. Emily never proposed to Mike. And FH and I are happily in love and planning our wedding. Unfortunately, I am Facebook friends with Emily.
She posted this as a status update after I had posted an engagement photo of FH and me on Facebook (her status postings are in blue and are only altered to change the names of people referenced):
May 18
It's amazing how someone (or a pair of people in this instance) can burst your bubble so much that you give up on your own hopes and dreams...sad but true
Now, let me say she is overall a pretty negative person, so posts like this are not shocking. But I couldn’t help but realize the timing of the post, the “pair” reference, etc. I mentioned it to FH and while we assumed it was in reference to our engagement photo, we tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I forgot about it and went on with my life.
Then a week later, she posted this as her status update:
May 28
Yes, I'm hoping that one day Mike and I will be able to take time out to enjoy life a bit before we're too old to move! I keep reading people's status updates and think, shit, where do people find the time and money to have fun (this includes going out for dinner or coffee for god's sake let alone going away for the wknd, going overseas, entertaining, etc. etc.??) Jealous much, fuck yeah! It's tak...ing me a lifetime to save to go to a family wedding in LA (my first time overseas - voluntary) - It's very, very likely I may need to forfeit that cos I'm still too fucking poor!! Never mind study loan shit. Prostitution has been an option for many, many years, but I'm still struggling with the concept to go ahead with it...and Mark would kill me. Donations to the "Emily Fund" very welcome.
and
Hey Linz - thanks for the feedback - I can see where you're coming from :) But firstly, I'm too old and ugly to be fluttering my eyes at punters to earn $$, secondly I am working (part-time while studying full time) but business is shit wit...h the current econmic market, thirdly, our internet costs are a flat rate per month despite how much I use (which isn't too much at all) so happy days, and finally, I do get to spend time with family and friends every now and then which is absolutely great, but I miss being able to go out for dinner/coffee/anything once in a while or being able to buy something nice without having to consider how I am going to live (survive) for the next week. I never buy clothes, and I haven't even had my hair cut or coloured in over 7 years to save $$. I do it all myself - that's why I look so shit. One day I'll win lotto and hopefully get a well-paying job, too!! ;) Postive thinking mate, I'll get there!!! :)
This one caused me to be somewhat angry because she’s complaining about having to save for our wedding in LA (Los Angeles), and I'm like, don't do me any favors. But, I also felt sorry for her becuase she's having to save for our wedding, so I bought a New Zealand Groupon for a dinner and was preparing to email it to her. P.S. Mike owns his house in Auckland, and they are not poor. Let me also say Mike is also on Facebook, and I have yet to confirm whether he has seen all of these crazy posts.
Then prior to my sending the Groupon, and just after I had posted about 30 engagement photos on Facebook, she posts this as her status:
May 31
I know, I know, jealousy makes you nasty - but come on! If you knew the circumstances, you'd so be backing me on this one!! Yet another kick to the guts! Pity it's extended family doing the kicking - perhaps it's time for a revist of the mid-life crisis I had earlier this year... :(
This is pretty much when I got actually angry/annoyed. I am kicking her in the GUTS? I talked to FH and told her that she is crazy, and I really didn't want anyone at our wedding that isn’t happy to be there and happy for us. He agreed that she’s crazy. He says her whole family is crazy, and we have to treat her like a person with a disease. Long story short, even though his parents, my FH, and I all think she’s a bit crazy and rude, we are still supposed to invite her to our wedding (per my FH). FH is convinced that she won’t come because she either can’t afford it or just won’t want to be there (weird that Mike wouldn't buy her ticket, but again, not my issue). I don’t want to take that chance! But, I gave in, and said I wouldn’t deal with it for now.
Then she posted this as her status today:
11 hours ago
I need to remind myself that I should never envy others because everyone has their own life (and shit to deal with) and you never know what's gonna happen in the future. (just trying to justify a jealous reaction to certain things and, naturally, to a wedding coming up next year... *^&#^*(@(*$*(@(^(@*) I need to remember to love & appreciate what I have now and stop comparing my life to others (a ...heavy burnden I've carried from my high school years of comparison and competing - YUKKY memories, but true, hence the reason I hate my RGHS years!) BUT, life is what you make of it - I am happy now, and I have genuine people in my life who love me for me, so that's all that matters. Ok, had my rant. Thanks for reading/listening! Have a good weekend peeps xx
So, now I’m just at a loss. FH is still saying we need to treat her like she has a disease. I’m wondering why if she’s so off her rocker that Mike is with her. He’s a good looking, nice, smart guy. And this is just unbelievable.
So here’s my question: I know she’s obviously very disturbed and super unhappy with her life. But I'm also incredibly affected by this behavior. I just don’t think I can let this go and have her show up at our wedding and put on this attitude. Plus, she'd be at EVERY event because she's "family," and Mike is a groomsman. FH doesn’t want me to say anything to provoke her. Also, our save the dates are going out next week, and I cannot imagine the backlash from that.
What can I do? What should my FH do? How do I get him to do it? What do I do with the Groupon? Any Kiwi-readers want it?
Thanks much
*****
Your FH is right. You have to invite the crazy lady.
Hide her damn updates, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ease up on the engagement-photo stream.
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT MANY ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS.
Photo by Herring & Herring
bitches on FB be crazy. i do feel sorry for her, sort of. she is full-on admitting to the e-world (who didn't ask) that she has serious jealousy issues- mainly regarding you. you can't control what people choose to share on the internet, but i guarantee 99% of who sees it is rolling their eyes or shaking their heads. it is embarrassing to read what some of my friends post sometimes. & i'd like to add that while her bitching is obnoxious, not once in those statuses did she wish you ill.
ReplyDeletei saw a picture the other day that said "why did i unfriend you on facebook? because your statuses are annoying and i fucking hate your face". ha!!
Back slowly away, realize that her whole thing has nothing to do with you, and enjoy your wedding. You have to invite the crazies, but you don't have to read their Facebook updates!
ReplyDeleteStill send her the groupon! Kill her with kindness.
ReplyDeleteOh man. This is 50 Shades of Crazy, right here. This woman is putting these passive-aggressive comments on FB *kmowing* that you can read them. I'm thinking it's one of two things:
ReplyDelete1: She's trying to send Mike a message about the fact that he hasn't proposed to her yet/she'd really like him to get around to that one of these days
2: She wants you to confront her because she's one of those people who feeds off drama and conflict.
Mike's radio silence about his gf's crazy comments makes me think it's #1. This might not have a whole lot to do with you guys and a whole lot to do with them and their relationship.
It would be a bummer to go into your wedding with a bunch of weird energy and tension going around, so I would suggest that your FH take this up with his brother in a gentle "I just want to make sure you're OK" way.
Say something to the effect of "Hey bro, you know how your old lady has been posting kind of weird stuff on FB about being broke and having to save up to come to our wedding and stuff? Well, those comments made us concerned and we just wanted to check in and make sure you guys are OK. We want our wedding to be a happy and fun experience for everyone, so let us know if there's anything you need..." etc. and open the door for him to explain the situation and enlighten you as to what is really going on.
I really don't see this as a problem for you. Just don't read her status updates. Yes she's crazy, but she doesn't actually seem mad at you or sending you ill-wishes -- she's just jealous. Take it as a compliment! She wants your life! Also, she's lives half-way around the world so you're not going to have to deal with her a whole lot.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Tonia that the comments are more directed at her boyfriend and trying to get him to propose than at you. Umm, also, you have to invite all long-term, live-in girlfriends of all members of the wedding party and/or immediate family members. I think that rule applies no matter how crazy they are unless they are maybe in jail or you have a restraining order against them.
Agreed...she's not mad at you, she's pissed off at her dude. Send her the groupon, hide her status, make her feel included at your wedding. She's obviously PASSIVE-aggressive, so it's highly unlikely she'll say anything at the wedding. She'll post later on facebook, but boom!, you've hidden her so you'll never know about it.
DeleteYa it’s pretty fucked up/annoying. But she doesn’t even live on the same continent as you! Block her updates and then your life will go on like nothing is happening. Cause truthfully- nothing is really happening.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the other commenters' suggestion to first and foremost block her updates. And, while complaining about money and jealousy is really embarrassing to be doing on facebook, it shouldn't really get under your skin this much. You are on cloud9, don't seek out people with their own issues who might bring you down. She sounds pretty immature, but maybe she's just really really upset that she isn't engaged yet. Sadly, I've seen that turn quite a few wonderful women into sad embarrassing versions of themselves when the topic of weddings comes up. Because you're so happy, I say you stop harboring this resentment to her for not being as happy as you want her to be about her engagement -- and send her the groupon -- at least then she'll know you've read those updates!
ReplyDeletenot as happy as you want her to be about *your* engagement, sorry.
DeleteYou both sound crazy.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't like what she posts - don't look at it!
Definitely still send the Groupon. There's a lot of satisfaction to be had from killing them with kindness. And really, she's just openly jealous, not antagonistic. Be thankful you're on different continents so you don't have to see her regularly, and move on.
ReplyDeleteSend her the Groupon. Be the bigger person. Be nice, because there's no reason for you not to be.
ReplyDeleteIf she comes to the wedding events and becomes a pain, treat her the way you would treat somebody else's crying baby: Smile, move away from the noise, and carry on with your merriment.
Disagree. Don't send her the Groupon. It's engaging in her pity party--stay as far away as you can and try to enjoy your engagement!
ReplyDelete1. hide her from your timeline.
ReplyDelete2. when you post all your engagement shit (this includes pictures, booking venues and dress shopping updates etc), hide it from her! why rub it in her face, she is clearly finding it really hard to see it while thinking about her situation, this is a really easy option. When you post something you can click the custom button for who gets to see it, hide it from her. no point rubbing salt in the wound.
Anyway, it is clearly not directed at you, she wants to get her partner's attention.
i agree with both of these suggestions. you can choose to hide updates from people. so just hide your engagement updates from her (and her boyfriend, if you think that she might look at his fb).
Deletealso, i vote to send her the groupon with a sweet email. something like, "hey lady, just thinking about you. i know being a full-time student and working part-time can be tough on a budget! since i'm not nearby to treat you to [dinner, drinks, whatever the groupon is for] i wanted to send you this long-distance! enjoy!"
Francine, this is fabulous advice! The wording of the note is spot-on.
DeleteI'm alarmed that you copied and pasted her facebook comments. If she reads wedding blogs she might one day find this. Surely you knew this was a possibility.
ReplyDeleteESB, didn't enjoy this :(
I also agree with others that this is a non-issue.
First, people need to realize that anything they write online exists forever and can be captured for use or sharing. People need to act accordingly. I assume that you Anonymous are aware of this in-perpetuity use of your online comments because you posted anonymously.
DeleteSecond, I do think this is a big deal. While I understand the usefulness of traditional etiquette in helping us determine who to invite to our 'big day' - this is ridiculous. Etiquette either binds all or none. This woman is clearly not excited about the wedding, she is not acting appropriately to temper her reactions and has gone so far as to publish them on FB, and the bride/groom/family shouldn't have to pay to host someone who has been so openly negative and nasty about this upcoming wedding. And yes, many commentors have pointed out that the pseudo-SIL hasn't actually done anything to the OP, and that this looks like a mis-directed attempt to get her own beau to pop the question but I'm not sure that matters. The nastiness, mis-directed or not, is about the OP's wedding. I'm apparently the outlier here, I just don't think you have to invite her.
Just hide her! You don't need to block her (which could potentially cause a whole slew of other problems), but you can definitely make it so you can't see what she posts.
ReplyDeleteI've dealt with someone like this before. Her FB posts also sounded exactly like the ones you copied and pasted. The sucky thing is they are nuts and they drive people in their circle nuts by making every nonissue about themselves. And all you want to do is vent to friends about how nutty they are, but when you do, you end up getting comments like in this post -- that she hasn't actually DONE anything bad yet.
ReplyDeleteIf you guys somehow involuntarily end up with a narcissistic, histrionic nutcase in your inner circle, you'd empathize. Folks like that should be kept at a distance -- invite her to the wedding because it'd cause more trouble if you didn't. But don't send the groupon -- you'll get more trouble being nice to nutcases. You cannot kill crazies with kindness. DO hide her updates, and then block your engagement updates from her.
Best of luck, and hopefully your future brother-in-law dumps her and gets a sane girlfriend soon.
Yes. Sending the groupon seems like an invitation for more crazy in this case.
DeleteHide her.
ReplyDeletePity her sorry, over-sharing arse.
um, yeah, this is so not grounds for not inviting your nearly sister in law. hide her updates, move on. pray to your lucky stars she doesn't read ESB.
ReplyDeleteYour future sister in common law is nuts.
ReplyDeleteBut so is posting THIRTY ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS.
Y'all need to ease up on the Facebook for reals.
Srsly. Last year there was all this noise about brides taking cues from Will and Kate's wedding, but did nobody notice they published TWO engagement photos?
DeleteI can guarantee all your other FB friends are saying "Jesus, lady, no one cares about your THIRTY ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS. We get it. You're getting married". They're just not posting it on the internet for you to see.
DeleteShe hasn't had a haircut in 7 years and doesn't buy new clothes, is it even AT ALL likely she's going to be able to afford to go to your wedding? Why are you even worried?
ReplyDeleteI would post an update every hour on my happiness - with photos and sound effects. But I'm kind of mean.
ReplyDeleteHeh. YES. (I mean, no. but YES.)
DeleteBwah hah ha ha. I wish I had the stones to be that mean in this kind of situation. But, socialization--alas.
DeleteI swear I'm breaking out in hives.
ReplyDeleteMy sister-in-law also posts insane, horrible, trainwreck things on fb (not about me, thankfully). Eventually I hid her from my newsfeed, and I actually have much more positive feelings towards her now.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you're probably enjoying the little kick of superiority you get when you see her nutty posts (that's how I felt with my SIL). Ultimately, that's a toxic feeling that hurts you, and you're much better off without it. Hide dat bitch.
Yes! This. When I finally realized how much I ENJOYED (in a sick, awful, mean-spirited way) some of the crazy things Facebook friends were posting, that's when I knew it had to stop. Hiding feeds, or unfollowing on Twitter, did a world of good for my mental health and also for my general decency.
Deleteum, am i the only one who laughed through this whole letter? comedy at its best!
ReplyDeletelady, we all have crazy pantzes in our families. this isn't exactly a unique problem. invite her to your wedding, and just be SO HAPPY you don't even live on the same continent.
I totally laughed too. The facebook posts were funny but so was the fact that she got so upset/involved in them. Oh, and how she was trying to be "as brief as possible."
DeleteNever seen a status that long in Europe.
ReplyDeleteAussie-Girl doesn't need a groupon, she needs a psychologist.
She's from NZ, not Australia (two different countries!!)
DeletePosting 30 engagement pics doesn't sound that bad to me. Personally I don't post any photos to Facebook since my college days, but I've got friends who post 300+ pics from ONE VACATION!!! that's when I get ultra pissy. Maybe I've just be worn down by over sharing friends.
ReplyDeleteI think the poster is also worried about her making scenes on the day, updates are easy to hide but it's harder to 'hide' her in person. I'd maybe have one of your family/friends assigned to 'troubleshoot' her at the wedding and pre-wedding events if needed (and if she even comes).
ReplyDeleteFor now, fuck it, block her updates, be happy that you're planning your wedding and that she doesn't live close enough to visit more.
-Hannah
Okay - perhaps OP doesn't know that you can hide someone without unfriending them? Because, seriously, unfriending this chick would create a whole new level of insanity. I did that with a family member a couple years ago, it was bad news. So, HIDE HER. She will never know!!! It is the best thing ever.
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of posters here: She isn't saying SPECIFICALLY evil about you! She's basically just saying, "wah wah wah wah, I'm jealous of other people, wah, I should work on it. wah I hate seeing other people happy. wah wah wah."
ReplyDeleteShe isn't saying anything like, "This bitch needs to stop posting pictures!" or "I'm so glad I don't have STUPID engagement pictures where I look super fat like someone I know!" or anything remotely close. If her whining bugs you, hide her, move on. She hasn't been mean to YOU. (yet).
But I wouldn't send that groupon as a "just because" gift. It invites her to complain to you more. Maybe wait for a birthday or something?
Am I the only one that thought sending a groupon was a bit of a passive-aggressive move? Would the poster have considered sending a groupon had the pseudo-SIL just been posting non-wedding related financial complaints? It seems an effort to feed her own ego and firmly establish herself as the bigger--and richer!--person.
ReplyDeleteThis pseudo-SIL needs to curb her facebook use, and the original poster should find something else to worry about, like seating charts or hand-crafted bunting or something....
I just want to extend you some empathy, because I have crazy family that gets angry at me for no other reason then they are jealous of my happiness. It sucks, but you can't let it bother you. If you are happy and success on some level, there will always be people who are jealous of what you have. Also, maybe take a break from facebook. If someone was making hardly veiled attacks at me via facebook, it would drive me nuts - but I think facebook tends to drive everyone nuts because it encourages stalking, comparison, petty jealousy, and crazy ranting. UNPLUG! Maybe do some yoga.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain girl. I live in New Zealand (Queenstown) and have a very similar problem but with my own sister. Although really, it's kind of the opposite problem because while a normal sister would be happy for me getting engaged (to a man she loves as a good friend) I got nothing. No congratulations, card, enthusiasm - only tears. She refused to talk about the engagement/wedding and if any mutual friend brought up the subject when she was there she would leave. And I acted like nothing was wrong and I didn't notice her blatant rudeness, because I felt bad for her waiting for her boyfriend (been together longer than my relationship) to propose. I've just found out -an hour ago!- that they are now engaged (last ditch rescue holiday that everyone expected would end with a proposal or break up). She just told me in an email. I can't bring myself to act happy for her after she ruined a lot of our happiness. Argh, this has turned into my own rant! Anyway I agree, block her announcements!
ReplyDeleteas a kiwi this makes me cringe...we're not all crazypantses, I promise. Completely agree with esb's advice.
ReplyDeleteShes probably just jealous you get to have an awesome wedding in the states :) Not all kiwis are this crazy by the way
ReplyDeleteCan we have an update on the crazy after the save the dates go out please!?
ReplyDeleteLOL!
DeleteHi all,
ReplyDeleteI'm the poster. First, I want to say thank you for all of the comments, encouragement and criticism. I really try to be as self-aware as possible, and it's nice to hear from a whole group of people with different points of view. It was cathartic for me to write to ESB. Prior to receiving ESB's response, I took my FH's advice and hid her from showing up on my newsfeed. ESB and FH seem to be on the same page with regard to this whole situation. Also, prior to hiding her, I noticed she had deleted her most recent status (which shows she has some type of judgment and may have realized she was out of line).
We will probably send out our save the dates later this week, but I will not know her reaction because I won't be seeing her status updates any longer. And yes, agreed, it's better that way.
I was most concerned with her "acting out" at the actual wedding. I just worry if she's this upset now, her feelings may be amplified at the actual event. So, in the meantime, I will forget about this. And hopefully Mike will propose, they'll break up, or she just won't come over for the wedding. If none of those things happen, I'll survive.
Thanks again everyone and especially, ESB.
P.S. We're sending the Groupon to FH's friend/groomsman who just had a birthday.
Hello there. I'm a bit late to the game commenting, but your post sounds familiar...
ReplyDeleteMy sister in law (my husband's brother's wife) is a serious piece of work. For the entire time I have been in a relationship with my husband, going on 8 years, she has been jealous, vindictive, manipulative, juvenile... the list of negatives could go on and on. Most of her negative energy was directed at me, and it really made being around her difficult. She was married to my brother in law a year before my husband and I even started dating, yet when we announced our engagement all hell broke loose. It would seem that anything that made me closer to the family and, ultimately, secured my status as a "permanent" fixture enraged her. The wedding was one thing. Fine, the crazy lady can be cold and negative the whole time as long as she stays the hell out of my way. And in the end that is how it all went. When you are surrounded by dozens of other people who love and care for you, your quasi sister in law will have little in her immediate environment to enable her behaviour.
I must add though, that the wedding will not be the end and I am sure you know this. Just recently we announced to a few family members (including my brother in law, but not the sister in law b/c she just wasn't there at the time) that we are expecting our first child. My brother in law looked like we may as well have told him his mother had cancer. The thought of having to deal with his wife (who doesn't have any children) regarding this subject was beyond his capacity. We were asked not to tell her until he was ready to handle the situation. My mother in law even went so far as to say our happy new addition might be the end of the BIL/SIL's marriage. It is the shittiest reaction to our news that we have received from anyone, and its devastating. All thanks to the crazy pants sister in law who can't get over her own jealousy issues and be happy for me.
All this whining is to say that you need to learn now how to ignore this person and do everything in your power to not let her negativity effect you. You have many many happy adventures and milestones ahead of you, and she will never ever be in your corner cheering. Its just the way it goes and its her loss. You are the better person for rising above.
Agreed, suckiest reaction ever. I vote go back and surround yourself more with those loving people who attended your wedding. I for one have had my own share of the crazies (sadly, my own mom), and I can only say that it's hardest for those who are around the crazies on a regular basis to see that there's actual craziness there. Not too comforting, but definitely supporting your statement to rise above. And trust me (having a bebe, myself) -- you start caring way more about this new little bundle to waste time on craziness. Or, that's my experience ;) -- good luck!
DeleteAm I nuts for saying "un-friend" -- just because she's your future husband's brother's possibly-future-wife (which who even knows if that will happen) doesn't mean you have to be fb friends. And if she confronts you, just tell her that, hey, maybe you were maybe reading too much into her status updates, but it seemed like you were upsetting her, and you thought it best to shield her. Passive aggressive? If her status updates are really all about you, then who f-ing cares, she's apparently passive aggressive much, too.
ReplyDeleteFacebook is the worst.
ReplyDeleteOh man! Know that this stems from her own insecurities. And also know that the only person that can bring happiness to her world is herself...and she's in for a long journey. First of all, yes you are more than right - she is a crazy jealous b*tch. Here's what I think you should do:
ReplyDelete1. Send her a short message saying that her posts have taken the wind out of your sails a bit. Don't be bitchy or finger point too much, but just let her know that your feelings were upset. This of course has the possibility to backfire because she might be looking to pull you into some sort of cat fight, but I've always found that calmly pointing out that someone's words are upsetting you is enough to put that sh*t to an end. But I cannot stress this enough - DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL (even if you have to just fake it).
2. UNSUBSCRIBE from her feed on Facebook. I totally get wanting to know what other people are saying especially when it's about you, but this is just torture darling. Let this negativity go from your life and you will breathe deeper. And...I disagree with some of these people about how many engagement photos you posted. My husband and I didn't do engagement photos because we didn't see the point, but that being said, I think you can and should post as many as you want. Just like you don't have to read Ms. Crazy's posts, others don't have to look through all your photos. And since I'm quite a distance from close friends and family I always love to look through their photos...I would enjoy looking through 30 engagement photos of a friend!
Have a BEAUTIFUL wedding! And enjoy the engagement period - only concentrate on the wonderful aspects! Best of luck!!!
I don't think you'll have to worry about her at the wedding. First of all, she'll be outside of her element, which is enough for most people to keep their behavior in check. And if she does throw a tantrum, you will have so many people to shield you from the drama. Everyone goes to GREAT lengths at a wedding to shield the bride from any potential problems, trust me! I found out about drama WAAAAY after my own wedding! And I'm so glad I was protected from it because I have nothing but good memories from the day!!!! ;) And you will too.
ReplyDeletei seriously laughed SO hard at this line: 'He agreed that she’s crazy. He says her whole family is crazy, and we have to treat her like a person with a disease.'
ReplyDeleteSame here! Getting some weird looks at work whilst I snort down my laughs and wipe away my tears from that one. That was gold!
DeleteHave a great wedding! Try not to worry about her showing up with the crazies. If she still hasn't snapped out of it then you can probably trust the groomsmen to escort her to the naughty chair for a time out.
Just to reiterate, NO ONE wants to see 30 engagement photos. Not even other engaged people. Those things are the worst.
ReplyDelete