Dear ESB,
I am finalizing the guest list for our wedding. To give you some basic info, we are inviting about 140 people and hoping the final number ends up closer to our 125 minimum. We're not really doing a B-list - we are inviting the people we really want to be there and calling it a day.
I work pretty closely with the 5 women in my department. I am friendly with all of them, but much closer to 2. We don't hang out outside work but we chat, share, give advice, and run errands for one another. I would like these 2 women to be there on my special day, but I am worried that the other 3 (one of which is my supervisor) will feel insulted or left out. It can't be a big secret because I think all 5 women are planning to come to the ceremony at my church, so it will be obvious when 2 show up with husbands in suits. Do I invite or not invite? If I do invite them, do I say something to the uninvited?
Thanks,
Duck Duck Goose
*****
If they're all invited to the ceremony you have to invite em all to the reception.
Beata by Alex Kahan for QVEST #50 via Fashion Gone Rogue
Beata by Alex Kahan for QVEST #50 via Fashion Gone Rogue
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I prefer to post something a little juicier on a Monday morning, but you guys all seem to have your shit together.
I think it's also proper etiquette to invite your supervisor if you invite anyone else from work.
ReplyDeleteIf you have 50 people in your department and invite 2 it's no big deal. However, if there are only 6 of you and you invite 2...it will likely create awkwardness.
ReplyDeleteRight. I'm not sure if I see what the big deal with 6 extra guests is if it keeps the peace, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would NEVER invite people to the ceremony and not reception. I didn't think this was a thing (I've heard of the reverse, when the ceremony is super tiny, but...
It's actually quite traditional to have an open invitation to a church wedding (it gets printed in the bulletin, the whole community is invited) followed by a private, invite-only reception. It's not super common anymore, but it's totally normal.
ReplyDeleteYeah, we had quite a few people who weren't invited - mostly friends of my parents, or parents of my friends - come and sit in the back of the church for the ceremony. Traditionally (in Scotland anyway), you're technically not allowed to refuse entrance to a church wedding so anyone could come. I wouldn't *invite* someone to the ceremony only, but it didn't bother me that extra people came and sat up the back.
DeleteMy husband was once invited to a wedding for the ceremony and for the evening dancing bit, but not for the meal in the middle. It was the weirdest, most awkward thing ever.
I've been invited to a ceremony because I belong to the church, but not the reception before.
DeleteMy dad grew up with the traditional Scottish "Anyone who wants to can show up to the wedding ceremony" thing and my fiance grew up on the east coast where you could go to the ceremony, not be invited for the dinner, and then EVERYONE shows up for "The Time" which is when drinking and dancing happens after all the speeches are done.
Also, my mom grew up with church ceremony, church reception, no drinking, no dancing, open the gifts in front of all, and then head home.
We're so fucked when it comes to what the hell we're gonna do for our day.
Why would anyone want to come to a ceremony and NOT go to the reception?
ReplyDelete....unless they felt like it was some obligation to show face but they actually hate you...
Like Cara said, it's definitely a traditional thing. It's common with Catholics, I did this a lot growing up. It's actually not passive aggressive at all.
DeleteHaving grown up in large protestant churches in England it's common there. There are many reasons why I might not be invited to the reception (finance, space, etc) but I can join the celebration at the ceremony, which for many people, especially Christians, is the reason you have a wedding in the first place.
DeleteWe had a coworker come to our Christian ceremony and give a gift, who was not invited to the reception.
Historically weddings had to be open to the public so someone could object if they had reason to.
I attended the Catholic wedding of a high school friend without an invitation to the reception and gave a gift. I think if it's a church wedding and separate from the actual site of the reception it's not strange.
DeleteWait, is Jacqueline's comment true?
ReplyDeleteNo way. I have coworkers who are actually friends who are coming to my wedding. I'm not inviting any coworkers who I don't see outside of work in social situations (including supervisors).
DeleteI think so Julie. Although, Miss Manners TOTALLY frowns on people being invited to a personal wedding who are only business acquaintances. Also, there is a super helpful and easy to find used Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. It has answered TONS of these questions for me and I am in fact sending it to my recently engaged best friend tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteEtiquette seem to change everywhere I go. At work, one girl got married and invited two folks out of the 10 people department.
ReplyDeleteAnother girl is getting married and invited 9 out of the 10. (I'm the odd one out.) The weird part is that she felt compelled to explain to me at work that she really wanted to invite me but couldn't for space issues. I guess she thought she was doing the polite thing?
If you want the least awk situation, invite your whole department. If you don't care if your co-workers feel slighted, just invite the 2. The other three will get over it -- other people's weddings aren't the center of other people's universes. Really. Then just stop bringing up your wedding at work. And for the love of common sense, don't ever feel like you need to explain your non-invitation to them at work. That is awkward.
i'm not sure what the etiquette rule is for inviting supervisors, but in my work place there is an internal practice that our boss should be invited, even if no one else is. it might be a good idea to check into the past practice of your office?
ReplyDeleteEw, unless you are really cool with your boss, this sounds like an unpleasant workplace etiquette.
DeleteInvite your actual friends from work, and then don't talk wedding while you're there. Assuming they're all adults, they'll understand, if not anticipate.
ReplyDeleteDon't invite any of them. Maybe I'm an awful person but that's what I did because it was easier to make a "no co-workers" rule than to explain why only 2 or 3 were invited. People will understand you're having a small wedding. They'll still be happy for you.
ReplyDeleteSome of my coworkers asked if I would mind if they came to my ceremony, and I told them they were totally welcome to come. I'm happy to have them witness my marriage, and I know they offered because they really care and want to be there for me. I don't feel obligated to invite them to the reception because they were definitely not hinting. Some people sincerely want to see you get married.
ReplyDeleteI never understand why someone would be invited to the ceremony and not the reception.
ReplyDelete"Come to the boring free part where we can pack everyone in but don't eat or drink or be merry!"
In my experience many will not go to the ceremony and roll into the reception. Not the other way around.
I say invite only your friends to both or invite all of them to both. If they're TRULY just work friends, I'd say don't invite the extras. But consider, do they listen to you yammer on and on at lunch about planning frustrations? Did they give you advice about handling your MIL? Do they know what the dress will look like? If no to all of these, don't feel obligated to invite.
Yeah, the "boring free part," when you ACTUALLY GET MARRIED.
DeleteWhich, last I checked, is the reason for having a wedding?
Yeah, I find it super tacky when people only show up to the reception. If they don't care enough about you to want to witness your actual marriage why would you want to see them after??
DeleteMy mum loves going to friends wedding ceremonies, she's done it a few times and other parents have done it as well. It might be a Catholic thing but it definitely isn't considered strange or passive agressive, they just want to see the couple get married and then they leave.
ReplyDeleteI only invited one colleague as while I consider a lot of my colleagues friends, I'm not really sure I'd stay in touch with a lot of them if I left the job which is how I made the decision.
Having said that, if there were 6 people I was friends with, I would probably invite all of them rather than just 2, especially since it's not a super small wedding.
It's not just Catholic. Churches here in Denmark are protestant, but we do the same thing. You invite the people you want at your wedding to the ceremony and the party, and some extra people might show up in church. They do so because they want to be there, not out of obligation. Some even bring a present for the couple. In many cases a wedding consists of a church ceremony, a "casual" short reception with bubbles, snacks and whatever, and then a dinner-party with dancing, etc. If extra people show up at the church, the couple will (or should) upon their exit from the church, go and thank these extra people and extend an invitation to the reception although obviously not the dinner-party - but weddings seem a lot smaller here than elsewhere, 140 guests is considered HUGE.
ReplyDeleteIt's just a nice gesture and since there's no meal planned or seating chart to ruin, it's pretty damn easy. Invited guests move onto the dinner-party, the rest leaves.
Anyway: I think if 125 is your minimum and not your maximum, definitely invite them all. There'll be no awkwardness or dilemmas and it might even bring you all a little closer.
I invited my coworkers and they completely dominated my time. Every time I turned around, one of them was grabbing me to pose for pictures with them (including my troll of a boss who I hated so much). I don't work there any more and probably will never see any of them again. I wish I hadn't invited ANY of them and spent the day with people who traveled 1,000+ miles to be with me instead.
ReplyDelete