Dear ESB,
Here's the deal.
We've been engaged for a couple of months & officially haven't contacted who we want to be in our wedding party.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHOULD BE MY F***ING MOH!
I've never really had "girlfriends" per se but have always been close to my 2 sisters & 2 cousins. I have also gotten fairly close to my FH's brother's GF of many years & my own brother's GF of many years.
Here's the breakdown of their situations:
My Sisters are both in college= broke/ really young
1st Cousin= starting grad school, so going to be= broke/super busy
2nd Cousin= starting new job w/ crazy hours + is single mom= broke/ busy mom
1st GF= finished law school & is feeling the impending doom of her loans kicking in= soon to be broke
2nd GF= going to graduate from college this spring=broke
I know that whoever I would choose would totally do their best given their circumstances, bc they're all great gals...but as you can see they are all not in the best situation to be a MOH right now. I feel like I'd be throwing the 2 cousins & 2 GFs a curve ball...I'm sure they wouldn't be surprised to be part of the party, but not MOH. My sisters wouldn't be offended if I didn't choose them bc they know they would most likely be in over their heads.
Do you have to have a MOH? Wouldn't it be super weird not having one especially since my FH is going to have one? I like the idea of a MOH if I was in Utopia, but the thought of having to burden someone w/ this makes me feel like crap/stresses me out. I mean, I think they'd be too nice to say, "Uhhhh....whaaaaat?....I have NO TIME...uhhh...oh God, I'm going to be sooo poor!"
I wouldn't mind not having a bridal party at all, but my FH said he totally wants to have his dudes in the wedding.
P.S. Now that I think about it, they might have that reaction just being in the bridal party in general...both require their time & $$$ -____-
*****
You don't have to have a Maid of Honor. (You don't have to do anything.) And it would be silly to just pick the lady you think would be least inconvenienced.
But: Stop worrying about all that time and money bullsh*t. Being a bridesmaid should be a privilege, not a burden.
Tell your ladies all you ask is that they show up at the wedding and stand by your side.
Photo by Nicole Bentley for Vogue Australia via Fashion Gone Rogue
I made my 17 year old sisters my maids of honor because they're my family. They're pretty useless in terms of planning and helping out with stuff, but I like them and want them to be up there with me. Aaaaand I have made them my DD's for all pre-wedding events.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. My 84-year old grandmother is my MOH because I wanted her to be and it felt as special as she is. It doesn't have to be about what you need them to do or want them to do. If it feels right as an honor, do it. If not, don't, and don't worry about being judged for it.
ReplyDeleteSo awesome.
DeleteWhat exactly do you want your MOH/bridesmaids to do? If you want them to buy matching dresses that you pick out and perform all kinds of party planning and errand running, then yes, you will be asking them to spend lots of time and money. If you want them to be a part of your wedding ceremony, that would not require much beyond the time and money it would take to show up to your wedding.
ReplyDeleteAGREED
DeleteI don't have an MOH, just 4 awesome ladies standing up with me. I felt anxious and sad when I thought about having to choose between them, so I didn't. Meanwhile, my FH has 2 best men, his younger brothers and 2 groomsmen, plus his best friend is part of the wedding party as he's officiating. My point being, you don't HAVE to do anything.
ReplyDeleteAs far as expenses go-- if you're in a position to help out, you can offer to do so. If you're not, do as ESB advises and just ask them to stand up with you. We're trying to cut down on people's expenses by getting them places to stay and telling them a general idea of what to wear instead of picking out a specific dress/suit that must be bought/rented.
This whole knocking someone out of potential MOH consideration based on "broke" makes me really sad.
ReplyDeleteI think if her attitude had been "they're broke so they won't have money to spend on meeee" it would have been sad, but since it's "they're broke and I don't want to BURDEN them and make them feel like they HAVE to spend money on me" it actually seems pretty considerate.
DeleteI agree with Susanne. You can have a MOH, and not ask her to do a g-d thing but be there for you emotionally, show up, stand with you, and be happy for you!
DeleteIf you think it HAS to be more than that, then the wedding industry has infiltrated your brain....
I didn't mean for the word "broke" to be seen in such a harsh way. I just know all these girls would go the whole 9 yards w/a big smile on their face & graciously not say a word about their financial situation. Even though I would say that I wouldn't want anything, especially since they're all super excited that I'm the 1st to have a wedding.
DeleteI have five bridesmaids, none of which are my maid of honor -- I didn't feel like choosing. My guy has a best man and two other groomsmen.
ReplyDeleteTell them you want them to be an important part of you wedding, and then ask them if there's anything in particular they want to do -- one of mine is an event planner and decided to take charge of planning a bachelorette party, etc, another is reading a poem, and my spacey best friend who lives on the other side of the country's only assignment is to show up on time.
If you don't have a clear MOH, in my oppinion you should just have bridesmaids!
ReplyDeleteWhy does being MOH necessary imply spending lots of money? It doesn't have to be that way! My MOH is my little sister. All she has had to spend money on is a dress (because she didn't have one, and no, we are not doing matching dresses or any of that nonsense, she really didn't have a dress), which she would have to buy ANYWAY even if she were just a guest at the wedding, and tickets to fly out (again, expense that has nothing to do with being MOH). That's it. It can be done.
ReplyDeleteI think ask your sisters and your cousins to all be bridesmaids and make it as easy on them as possible, both financially and time wise. Be prepared to do a lot of the things usually put on bridesmaids yourself.
ReplyDeleteI personally am too guilt-ridden to be able to say yes to being a bridesmaid and then "just show up" so if you have someone like that in your crew, try to do a lot to reassure them you don't need anything!
I agree with the others, you don;t have to get them to spend anything. Here's an idea...you could buy them their dresses!
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a MOH and it was great because everyone just pitched in and helped with what they felt like doing or were good at. I bought my girls their dresses and only asked that they hang out the day of and drink mimosas. My mom tried to tell me I had to have one, but she couldn't tell me why...apparently I ignored her comment.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone who says that being a MOH doesn't have to be a burden. Maybe just decide based on who you really want standing with you and have a frank conversation with her about how you can work together to make that happen and not burden anyone.
ReplyDeleteAnd who says it has to be a lady? I think that you should simply ask the persons you love best and have been the most supportive/fun/biggest/oldest part of your life to stand up with you.
ReplyDeleteI asked my sister to be my MOH. At the time of the wedding she had just moved back from Indonesia, was completely broke, and had pretty much zero part in the whole process besides showing up the day of. Which was perfect and all that I asked of her. It just as easily could have been my best guy from high school whom I love dearly. Or my best lady for the past 5 years, who ended up doing all the burdeny things because she's amazing and knew no one else would, and I would never have asked anyone.
Every MOH in the history of the world has been rich. Clearly, you cannot have any of the ladies listed as a MOH. Find a person who has a money bin to swim in, Uncle Scrooge McDuck style.
ReplyDeleteI used to love the opening sequence of Duck tales for that part...
DeleteIf you don't choose a maid of honor, you're probably going to end up saddling everyone with more responsibility to try to figure out things that she generally organizes, such as the shower and bachelorette party.
ReplyDeleteOr just handle those things yourself? Maybe moms can take the reigns? Invite people over unorganized drinks/bbq? There's more than one way to skin a cat. Please don't let anyone make you feel like you have to do things a certain way just because "that's how they're done".
DeleteWell said Rob.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I understand why being broke has anything to do with being the MOH.
ReplyDeleteBoth of my sisters are broke (one is 12 the other, is an adult with financial obligations of her own) but I made them BOTH my maids of honor.
NOT because of what they could or couldn't do for me but because of what they've already done: been my best friends.
I agree with most everyone above - I think it is great that you have an eye to what's going on in their lives in terms of what you expect of them, but I see MOH as an honorific; she is your MOH at your marriage ceremony, and any "duties" in the run up to that are not a compulsory part of the position (which is itself not a compulsory requirement!)
ReplyDeleteIf you can't choose between them then...don't - have 4 BMs.
My guy is having 2 best men as he has 2 best guys and my MOH isn't even going to be there on the day (due date=immediately before. I may make her skype a speech from hospital though) - ignore what is 'just how things are done' if it is unsuitable for you guys.
And if you are worried about who will organise Bachelorette etc if it doesn't go automatically with a designated role - could they do it together? I expect the organisational brunt will fall to the most organised of them, but they love you and I'm sure they'll manage (it doesn't need to be expensive).
I don't have a bridal party at all because all my girlfriends who will be at my wedding are very dear to me. They will all be helping with the wedding prep in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteSo I didn't feel the need to pick bridesmaids or MOH because it felt like playing favorites to me and their traditional "duties" are what my friends would have done any. Because, you know...that's what friends do...
I really didn't mean to come across as someone who only wants to choose a MOH based on income. That's not what I meant at all. I guess I felt like I really should choose a MOH. I KNOW that whoever that would be would really try to convince me to do B. party, etc or say "ok, np we won't do anything" then plan it all anyway as a surprise, spending their limited resources in the process. But I don't think I'm going to have a MOH anymore. All these comments are really helpful. I like the idea of seeing them as a team that I can go to time to time if I need help w/something.
ReplyDeleteSweet bride to be,
ReplyDeleteYou are incredibly considerate and kind. You should have a party with all those women and just tell them your thoughts. They'll probably laugh and cover you with gentle little kisses.
You are really nice, I mean it. But, remember to have fun!
I agree with all the posters that money has NOTHING TO DO with being a MOH. Are you expecting a my super sweet bachelorette party?
ReplyDeleteI decided just to have my lil sis, who was in college (AND BROKE, and busy), but another friend did a lot of a bachelorette organizing for her, and my parents bought her dress and plane tickets (I let her pick out whatever dress she wanted, I have no idea how much it cost). The only thing I expected her to do though, is show up, not fight with my brother and sign whatever it was she had to sign as my witness. That doesn't cost anything.
Just ask them all to be bridesmaids -- choosing a MOH between sisters might be hard. And if they don't feel up to it, they will decline. But let THEM decide if they don't have enough time or money.
I was in a similar predicament - all my friends were broke, starting rigorous postgraduate studies, or pregnant. I chose my friend who had just started med school and was broke/stressed about med school debt/very busy. Here's what I did to lighten the financial burden and time commitment for all my friends: MOH and bridesmaids could wear whatever dress they wanted, I paid to have their hair done by a friend stylist(if they wanted, it was optional), I gave them jewelry as a gift, and their only responsibilities were showing up to the rehearsal dinner and wedding. They threw me a simple bachelorette party at home, and split the cost of wine and appetizers.
ReplyDeleteI am not having a bridal part for this reason. I asked all of my nearest and dearest to simply do their best to be there, however that comes about, party hard, and support me on my journey down the aisle... and no hard feelings if they can't make it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree that it's great you're considering everyone's situations, but you can be considerate in ways other than not asking them. My maid of honor was broke, living in our home town far away from where I lived and the wedding was taking place, and her brother was getting married the week before my wedding. I told her not to worry about anything; I just wanted her standing with me on the day. I didn't do the bridal shower (it just seems like a weird event to me, for whatever reason), and a couple of my other girlfriends threw me a bachelorette party. But it sounds like you've already made a good decision. Just throwing in my 2 cents too, that she don't have have to be rich to be your girl.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with the no one NEEDS to have a title sentiment, also, let them find their own dresses from where ever they want. ALSO, don't stress about who will throw what pre-wedding event. It's not for you to decide, and it's not for you to direct or plan. You're the guest of honour, someone will step up to the plate and throw together something.
ReplyDelete