Me: super nervous about getting married, being centre of attention and want to grab a few minutes alone with the boy prior to the wedding ceremony.
Him: magical, super romantic moment pictured of seeing me for the first time walking up the aisle.
Can there be a happy compromise??
*****
Just don't do fucking First Look photos, whatever you do.
HA, ESB!! AS LONG AS YOU DON'T PHOTOGRAPH IT ... how about if you stand back to back or hold hands through a doorway or something? you don't need to SEE him to feel comforted, right?
ReplyDeleteHow about covering yourself in a bedsheet?
DeleteAnd then whip it off at the altar?
DeleteCould it work if he didn't actually "see" you? I mean, blindfolded, or screen separated or something? But I agree - no photographic evidence.
ReplyDeleteI fear that blindfolded might heighten, rather than abate, pre-led-to-the-guillotine feelings
DeleteIf you hire a real photojournalist, not one of those who pretend to be one to cash in on a trend, seeing each other before the ceremony won't look staged. Personally I think those holding hands around a doorway moments are much more scripted and cheesy. Is that really reassuring in any way?
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure there's any "compromise" about seeing each other in your wedding finery before the ceremony. Either you do, or you don't.
Maybe sleep in the same bed the night before the wedding, and comfort each other when you wake up on your wedding day. And then part and get ready separately until the ceremony.
Yeah, I think these two options are basically mutually exclusive. You'll just have to figure it out with your dude.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, your wedding will almost surely be super, super intense for both of you. There's really nothing you need to do or not do to make that happen.
For me, it was overall transcendently awesome, but I kind of flipped out a few minutes before the ceremony. Being the center of attention as a THE BRIDE is weird and not entirely pleasant. My dad and my husband sat with me in a quiet spot while i got myself together.
We did pictures before the ceremony. We didn't have any aisle walking (Quaker wedding) so the "moment" or whatever wasn't really a concern. If there had been any more emotion at the ceremony i might have had a stroke. The photographers wanted to do a first look and i didn't really know what they were talking about,so we did it. It didn't matter then and it doesn't now, seriously.
I second Jacqueline. The hubs and I spent the night before our wedding together in our apartment. The morning of, we woke up, had breakfast and then he left for the hotel. Spending a few hours together before the mad rush allowed us to "take in the moment" together and it's one of my favorite memories from that day.
ReplyDeleteoh MAN do i disagree with you about your linked to post.
ReplyDeletebut whatevs.
sounds like someone is going to have to give in, and your need sounds more important than his.
even if you see him before, it will still be magical when he sees you again down the aisle. TRUST ME. and you can see each other before without stupid "first look" photos.
you have officially turned into a Wedding Photographer.
DeleteYes to the suggestion of spending the morning together before you get dressed up in your wedding attire.
ReplyDeleteOur wedding was at a resort in Northern WI. My husband and I and a couple of our close friends jumped in the lake before breakfast, swam and canoed, and then went back to our cabin and ate breakfast all together. It was so much fun and put us in a calm and happy state.
Then we parted ways to get ready and we didn't see each other again until I walked down the aisle. For us, this was the perfect balance of hanging out enough beforehand but still being able to have that special surprise moment on the aisle, which we both wanted.
There is nothing wrong with a first look. It is staged, and so is the entire wedding ceremony! These are not organic moments! But, that does not keep them from being amazing moments. I had a first look, and seeing each other that day, basically alone (the photographer was off in the distance out of our sight) was one of the most special and intimate moments of the day. I have been to A LOT of weddings, and I don't think the weddings where the couple hadn't seen one another before the ceremony were any more special than the weddings were they had seen one another.
ReplyDeleteI say do not do the first look. You wouldn't want him to end up doing it just for you and wishing he didn't. You'll be fine (promise). Buuuuuut, full disclosure, I really don't get the first look phenomenon. Why not wait like five more minutes and get that ohmygodshe'ssobeautiful/hessohot moment when you see each other from a distance, at the top of the aisle (or however you are doing it).
ReplyDeletePersonally, I am way superstitious so I would never see him before the wedding in my dress, though I'll probably see him that morning. Since we're getting married a week from Saturday, I guess we'll see how it all turns out soon enough.
We met on either side of a door, didnt speak, but knew the other one was there. It was actually rather comforting in some lame way. Like I knew he was there, that he was ready and that we were both actually gonna go through with it. We did have a quick hand hold, before we parted ways and did final portraits and getting ready etc. Our photographer did shoot pictures of it, but they're just more sweet than posed, and I am happy to have that memory from a different perspective
ReplyDeleteWe ended up with completely unstaged first look photos. And you know what? I love them. Back story: we chose to do portraits before the ceremony out of necessity and wanted a few minutes alone to see each other and exchange gifts before the madness started. Our cousin/photographer just happened to walk by during this moment, discreetly snapped a few pics, and moved on.
ReplyDeleteI realize this isn't answering the OP's question, but can I just please just say that the idea of seeing each other for the first time when walking down the aisle is not the tradition for all cultures and even though it might be for yours, that doesn't make it the thing "everyone should and would do if they weren't being trendy"?
ReplyDeleteExactly.
DeleteSo you have opposing needs, which means you have to decide whose need is greater (not who wants his/her way more, or who is most convinced that his/her way is best). Talk it out.
ReplyDeleteAs for first looks. Meh. We saw each other before the ceremony because I did not want to get stuck doing posed family photos after the ceremony. So glad we did (and oddly, I ended up being super obsessed with many of our posed family portraits, even though I thought we were just doing them to placate our parents).
that's kind of my thing. the BEST moments are right after the ceremony. everyone is so happy, the sun is still out, you are with all your friends and family, those moments (and photos!) are magical! why waste them on posed photo time? (and no matter how much you love the photo journalistic style, there is almost always a need for SOME posed photos) it is so much more fun to join the party right after you get married. trying to take group photos when everyone is hungry and wants a drink sucks.
Deletedammit i wasn't going to start rambling.
whoopsy meant to post above comment down here.
Deleteyeah, i mean. yeah. BUT. i am not saying "do this for better photos" but "do this for better photos AND for more fun" who wants to miss the cocktail hour?
DeleteI'm sure
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, i was in exactly the same boat (nervous, not excited about being the center of attention; and he was a damned romantic about the whole thing). Here's what we did: We slept in our bed, at our home, and spent the morning together in a pretty low-key fashion — finishing setting up for the party, drinking coffee, crossing items off the to-do list, etc. Then, about three hours before the ceremony, I left to go get ready. I think having those hours together at the beginning of the day helped so much in terms of keeping me calm.
BUT! Here's my biggest recommendation to every couple: Spend some time together alone after the ceremony. Even if it's ten or fifteen minutes. I can't stress enough how much this meant to both of us.
YES!!! Time together, away from all of the stress/craziness/weird family relatives. I am a wedding photographer and a bunch of my couples do "first look" pictures, and I hate the word too, honestly it's just the easier elevator pitch way for people to say "we're doing all our pictures before the ceremony."
DeleteSome photographers can ONLY shoot those staged moments and take HOURS to do it, but couldn't get a properly composed TRULY candid shot to save their fing life. Also some photographers have NO idea how to quickly shoot the family portraits. It should ONLY take 15 minutes tops to do those.
Cell phone on speaker. You can talk to each other the entire time you're getting ready, then see each other during the ceremony. And yeah, have breakfast or *something* before you start getting ready.
ReplyDeleteYes, like anon above suggests - why not speak on the phone? At least some of the emotional, if not physical, comfort without overriding his, sweet, wishes.
ReplyDeleteI feel you though - I am *not* looking forward to the centre of attention aspect of things (hey! Can you pop out a kid in time? That's my gambit - cute babies = excellent diversions.)
my wife and i got ready together which kept me from passing out before the ceremony (it was a close call).
ReplyDeleteshe still cried when she stood up there and saw me walking down the aisle to join her. It's the enormity of the moment - not an unknown visual - that is magical.
THIS.
DeleteI'm with the Stay The Night Before Together crowd. It was nice to have our morning, then see each other once the ceremony got going
ReplyDeleteWe had a private exchanging of vows alone before our official wedding ceremony and it was awesome. Our photog was there but she was far away and completely unobtrusive. If you want to see each other so that you can have a real moment together of OMG we are DOING THIS SHIT, then see if you can win him over. It was one of my favorite parts of the day because there wasn't a damn person or thing to think about except us.
ReplyDeleteWhy wouldn't you just elope them if that is what you wanted?
DeleteI meant - then - sorry
DeleteAnon, people are allowed to have more than one desire, more than one 'thing'.
DeleteBecause my husband and our families wanted a wedding and I was won over by the idea of throwing a fun party. It was a compromise. A fairly win-win one, thank you very much.
DeleteAsk him to write a letter to you (viedo with him singing would be better but it may be too much to ask for)
ReplyDeleteHe can choose some items and put those items and letter in a box.
He knows you so he will know what to put inside.
Take some time to enjoy these 'gifts' and relax.
This can be mucho more reassuring than just looking at him with a photo bee buzzing you...
Our first look was in front of everyone and IT WAS NOT one of the best moments of the wedding, but there were many many very good moments..
Where's my cool picture?
ReplyDeleteDon't make a video or have him write you a letter.
Busted.
DeleteI couldn't for the life of me find the right photo for this one.
You could have posted some TRAGIC first look photo and it could have been like the time you posted those hanging candles with all the beading.
DeleteI think First Look photos are dumb but I don't think meeting up before the ceremony is dumb.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had already seen my dress (I didn't look like a princess or anything). We wanted photos and no way were we interrupting the flow after the ceremony.
We met up out on a dock at the camp (which was kind of hokey and it was sunny as fuck so the photos from that part are bad anyhoo). Then we took some alone pics, then family pics, then we went and hung out with out guests before the ceremony. I wanted to bartend (like this couple--the bride was scared to walk down the aisle all BIG REVEAL STYLE) but we ran too late.
The ceremony was still a really big deal. Husband and officiant (my uncle) and my brother led everyone down to the lake and a bluegrass band played while The Dad, Mom and I headed in. It was incredible and not ruined by seeing each other before (or everyone seeing us for that matter).
To other's points: I think sleeping together and/or spending time together before getting dressed is a good idea. We didn't (we slept with our friends in boy-girl bunks and then during the day Michael did archery and riflery while I put flowers together), but I think it's very sweet and re-assuring if you are nervous (we were not).
My husband and I were married at a family home. I got ready upstairs with my sister and bridesmaids and mother and mother-in-law. I had a great view of all the action from the upstairs window. I could see decorations being hung in the trees, chairs being set up, guests arriving, my groom and his groomsmen hanging out, the musician playing, etc. It was like, OK, here we go... LET'S DO THIS. Me and my ladies popped champagne and toasted before heading downstairs. My father met me at the foot of the stairs, and we made the long walk across the lawn to meet my groom under our wedding tree. So, technically, I saw my groom before he saw me, and it helped calm my nerves.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could catch a glimpse of your groom, and still allow him to wait to see you? Just an idea. Good luck! You will be FINE! (A lot of the pre-ceremony stuff is a blur... but I will never forget locking eyes with my husband, and just gazing at each other throughout our entire ceremony. That's the good stuff right there.) xo.
I'm also sort of with the stay-together-the-night-before crowd.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't stay together the night before, but we both got up a little earlier than everyone else, and met at our favourite cafe for breakfast, just the two of us.
It really calmed/centred/whatevered both of us, with out having to break any traditions (I'm quite the fan of traditions) like not seeing each other decked out in wedding garb, or sleeping together the night before.