Hi ESB,
I am in need of a serious perception check. I hope you can help in my quest to be calm about all of this.
My girl cousin (older than I am by several years) is getting married in the fall. This girl has gotten away with and has gotten what she wanted every single time -- for her entire life. No one has ever put a foot down and told her no. She and the fiancé are in careers in which they earn a significant income. Prominent people will be attending this event. I think that they may have lost touch with reality, but I want to know what you think. Thanks in advance...
Season of wedding: fall. Fall is great: pretty leaves in the Northeast, sweaters, outdoor fire pits, college football, and so on. However, she and her fiancé have scheduled the wedding for -- wait for it -- the weekend of my thirtieth birthday. This cousin knows that this is the weekend of my birthday and that potentially I had plans. We grew up together, and while she and I aren't particularly close, our mothers are-- we do all the holidays as a massive group of her fam and mine, and it is always loud and pretty fun.
So they had the venue, and the only time they could get it was that weekend. Then they changed the venue to a barn located off of some tiny road... in the woods. Picturesque, I get it. Her family will be staying in the cottage area by the barn while all the rest of us have to fend for ourselves. My fam was told that we had to book our own lodging, and that we were not invited to stay with the rest of them.
That's to really okay, but it is okay, however, everything close by is a bed and breakfast. B and Bs skeeze me out. The ones nearby demand a two night minimum, and it will run the BF and me about $400/450. Parents need a room. Brother and GF need a room. That cost does not include other weekend essentials like presents or attire or gas to get there. The closest less expensive place is 20 some minutes down the road. So no drinking at the reception for me. Trust me, there are no taxis there.
No one has been forthcoming about multiple things: rehearsal dinner (are we invited?), time frame (assuming evening?), attire (black tie or casual?).
I want to book a flight to somewhere warm and skip all of it. That would cause a stir, and while I'm not too sure she would care one way or the other if I were there (I have offered to help since Engagement Day 1), I don't know that I feel like dealing with never hearing the end of it at functions-- or driving that huge of a rift into things.
Do I need to suck it up, go to the wedding, and practice slow breathing exercises? Or do I have a little bit of a right to be annoyed?
Thanks,
Considering Flights to the FL Keys
*****
Weddings are expensive.
B+Bs are lovely.
BLAH BLAH BLAH your birthday.
You are being a brat.
Photo by Robert Harper for Playing Fashion April 2012 via Fashion Gone Rogue via Jessica Goldfond
Totally agree with ESB on this one. However it would be nice if the couple reserved some vans/ shuttles so people could stay at the further away and cheaper hotel and still drink. Otherwise I would worry about the drinking and driving.
ReplyDeleteAgree with ESB. Hotels 20 miles away isn't terrible. The wedding is in the fall -- you'll get the rehearsal, etc information later. I'm sure they don't even know if you're invited yet. But if you aren't going to be a gracious guest, don't go.
ReplyDeleteI think the OP said 20 minutes... that's still NOT that bad.
DeleteWhen I was planning my wedding, the most annoying thing was when relatives demanded to know details of my wedding (time of day, rehearsal dinner, timeframe for family photos) that even I didn't know yet. Wedding planning can take time, and sometimes requires coordinating details with multiple venders etc. Just because you WANT AN ANSWER doesn't mean I can give you one.
DeleteAgree with ESB as usual. If the wedding isn't til fall, they probably haven't decided on details like the rehearsal dinner or transportation yet. Stop speculating about a weekend thats half a year away, and start saving. It's not your cousin's fault if you refuse to stay in a b&b (which are often lovely, btw).
ReplyDeleteWhy so much B&B hating? Suck it up and go. 30th birthday celebrations are overrated.
ReplyDeleteYup, this doesn't sound too demanding to me (albeit all weddings are somewhat annoying). You'll feel SO much better if you can look back on how you acted cool, polite, and graceful about attending her wedding on your 30th birthday.
ReplyDeleteGosh, you say your cousin always gets her way but based on your letter i just hear me me me. This sounds like a fairly normal wedding and you usually dont get al that info till 2 months before not 6 months, they are still figuring out ligistics not every little detail so you can know months in advance. I guess since my best friend is getting married in mexico and its a 10 hr flight and then boat ride and i have to pay for a hotel for 5 nights i should be ranting and raving bc obv its all about her...well it is and im HAPPY for her. Life doesnt revolve around u and u dont have to go if your going to be pissed off the whole time.
ReplyDeleteYou are being a TOTAL brat. All of this sounds like fairly typical wedding facts and circumstances to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd people who feel they need to celebrate their birthdays ON THE ACTUAL SPECIFIC DAY seem very particular to me.
ha, i totally agree about the weird birthday people! what is the big effing deal??
Deletewhat happens when you find out the food at the wedding isn't your favorite? or that you have to sit at a table you don't want to sit at? or that the B&B is actually really beautiful? just try to have a good time.
ReplyDeletealso, if her wedding day falls on your birthday, why can't your boyfriend do the driving so you can do a little birthday drinking at the wedding? free drinks, right?
It's an invitation, not a fucking summons. If you don't want to go, then don't go. All choices have consequences.
ReplyDeleteOne of my cousins is staying home to watch her cat. Her call. Will miss her, but my heart will go on. Opposite side, a groomsman's birthday is our rehearsal night, and one of my guests is turning 8 years old in a foreign-to-her country on my wedding day. Neither have complained. I am getting them cupcakes and presents.
oh great, now she's going to be pissed when her cousin doesn't get her cupcakes and presents because she's overwhelmed by her own wedding.
DeleteShit, I'm a part of the problem! I was trying to shame, not create unrealistic expectations!
Delete(I mean, if a French 8 year old who isn't even related to me can deal with a room full of Americans she doesn't understand on my behalf, surely a 30 year old can suck it up for her cousin, or simply have the courtesy to say, "I can't make it!" And not "Thanks for the invite, I am awaiting my recognition for being a guest because of the expense and inconvenience to ME." Amirite?)
There's a huge difference between 8 and 30. Huge. It is reasonable to provide for an 8 year old's birthday. Once you're older than 18, you can't really expect anyone else to observe your birthday.
DeleteGroomsman is 24. He's cool about it.
DeleteI am having a wedding similar to the one described above (middle of nowhere barn venue in the fall, where BnBs are 20 mins and hotels 45 mins away) because that is what suits my fiance and I, and we want to throw a damn good party in the woods.
ReplyDeleteIf I knew one of my guests was whining about our wedding the way you are about your cousin's, I would hope they stayed home.
I am sure the bride has dealt with her fair share of stress surrounding the venue, and I hope she has found the post that Meg (of APW) wrote, called "Your Wedding Is Not An Imposition" (http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/01/you-guys/). I encourage you to read it.
And the final guest list for the rehearsal dinner? Is at the bottom of my to-do list. It's APRIL.
You have the internet's permission to not attend if you're going to be such a downer. Otherwise, grin and bear it – you'll probably end up having fun. Agree with the comment to get your boyfriend to DD, if getting drunk on your birthday is that important to you. This is not that hard.
ReplyDelete$400 for two nights in a hotel? for a weekend of free meal(s) and drinks for you and your boyfriend? that sounds like a steal to me. seriously it's saving $20 a week until then. cool it on the lattes.
ReplyDeleteIf you'd rather celebrate your birthday with your boyfriend somewhere warm, do it. Your cousin will probably miss you, but she's most likely a grown up and realizes that not everyone on the guest list will be able to attend the wedding.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if you're gown up enough to realize that she didn't pick her date or venue to spite you--she's just trying to make it work the best she can.
You get a birthday every year. This will (hopefully) be her only wedding. I think this one time you can just put yourself aside and let this be about her, for just one weekend. Being a bride is a very special and memorable time in a women's life. Let her have this. When it's your turn to be a bride, you'll understand.
DeleteTHIS WEDDING SOUNDS RAD! I'll go instead of you, if you want.
ReplyDeleteLOLZ... at first I read it as 13th birthday, and I was like- ok she's a kid, she doesn't understand yet that no one else cares it's her birthday.
ReplyDeletebut you are 30.
i almost think this letter is a joke. as if your cousin isn't arranging her wedding around you!
I read it as 13 too and thought the same thing. Actually my first reaction was 'why is a 13 yr old reading ESB?'
Deleteyou're 30. Suck it up and go to the wedding. Dancing, drinking at wedding as your birthday celebration? sounds awesome. Also, if you don't want to go to the wedding, your 30...stop being afraid of pissing off your family. You're an adult and can make your own decisions.
Maybe she thinks that you die when you turn 30, so she has to celebrate on the actual day?
ReplyDeleteDoll, celebrate the next weekend. Or act like a 30 year old and decline the invitation. It doesn't sound like either of you will miss each other.
Geeze--talk about guestzilla! This wedding set-up sounds exactly like my friend's wedding last fall (two night minimums, barn in the woods, her family stayed in a small cottage on the grounds - though they did hire shuttles so people could drink)...and it was beautiful, and fun, and I never thought once about complaining. Get a grip! (Oh, and all that information you're complaining about not knowing... you'll know all of it when you get the invite. Hold your horses.)
ReplyDelete20min drive to a hotel isn't that bad. I mean, it's just one weekend, and how many times would you even really have to drive back and forth from the hotel to the venue? Book the less expensive hotel. B&Bs creep me out too.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about where your parents, brother, etc. are staying. They are adults, they can worry about their own lodging. If they stay at the same hotel then you all can carpool to the wedding.
It's your birthday weekend, you shouldn't have to do the driving. Drink as much as you want at the reception and make the BF drive back to the hotel.
Sounds like you're just looking for an excuse not to go. Wouldn't matter where or when the wedding, you just don't want to go. Missing the wedding is not worth the problems it would cause in your family. It's one weekend, I think you'll survive.
Alycia said it so well. My reaction was "F*ck it," and don't go. It doesn't sound like you'll have fun, and if y'all aren't close, why should you have to fake it? Yeah yeah, family, your moms are close, but bah -- I know 30 isn't the miserable age it used to be, but come on, you're entitled to celebrating on your own. And if it's going to be a big chi-chi event, and that's not your style, don't sweat it. I will say: it's perfectly understandable she didn't plan her wedding around your 30th bday, too, btw.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question: you do not have a right to be annoyed.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, this is not about you. It sounds like you have serious jealousy issues and serious 'deserve level' issues and frankly, are being a big baby about it all. Grow up or don't go. It's really that simple. The world doesn't revolve around you .... shocking, isn't it???
If your 30th birthday was the only day that it worked for your cousin to book her wedding day I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose in an effort to ruin your birthday. She might not even know it's your birthday. I wouldn't know ANY of my cousins' birthdays. If she does know when it is, she probably thought you'd be the bigger person and wouldn't have a problem with it. If you want to look at it this way (although I wouldn't SAY this to ANYONE): you could pretend that your cousin is throwing a big bash for you! Seriously. You can't get a bigger, fancier 30th birthday party than that.
ReplyDeleteIts not even on her birthday, its on the weekend of her birthday.
ReplyDeleteWhat a brat.
'She and the fiancé are in careers in which they earn a significant income. Prominent people will be attending this event. I think that they may have lost touch with reality'...this is the bit that bothers me. Pretty much the entire second paragraph of your email is irrelevant to the question in point. It has undertones of jealousy. What does it matter how much they earn and who will be there?
ReplyDeleteYour question distils down to 'am I being selfish for assuming that my cousin's wedding should be arranged around me' and the answer to that question is yes. Yes you are. As you put it, you definitely do need a perception-check.
So two choices (a) grow up, go to the wedding, slap a smile on your face and drink some free booze or (b) grow up and don't go and deal with whatever consquences arise. Simple.
This, exactly. Four for you, Donna.
DeleteIf you're really the jealous, self centered brat this makes you sound like, I'm sure she hopes you won't come and has invited you because of the family connections you mentioned.
ReplyDelete- B&Bs are creepy as fuck, but it sounds like they're close to the venue (the writer said the "closest less expensive" places are the ones 20 minutes away); if you can drink and not worry about it by staying at one, who cares if dolls in the hallway watch you while you sleep?
ReplyDelete- i was a groomswoman at a destination wedding the day before my 30th, so on my birthday itself i was in baltimore with no transpo and a bunch of wedding guests still to see. when, in planning, the groom apologized to me for picking that date, i told him that one of my best friends getting married to the perfect girl was the best possible thing that could happen on my birthday. this scenario is not that, and this guest should make her own plans; she's not into the wedding, so no one benefits from her being there.
You know, thirteen year-olds do tend to make a lot of typos.
ReplyDeleteRob is so good at the comment game.
DeleteAy yi yi. ESB got this one right. I'm planning a wedding also and no matter where you do it, or when, or who you invite and how much it costs, there are some logistics that are inconvenient for some people no matter what. God suck it up and be the cool guest who is down to have a good time regardless of whether you love the hotel you are staying at or the weekend is 100% convenient or you have to spend money to go (seriously? of course you do). If you can't do that then just don't go, but don't expect anyone to give a sh*t when it's your turn to get married, either.
ReplyDeleteOMG can you imagine if you had to consider the important dates of all your friends and family prior to setting your wedding date? efffff!
ReplyDeleteHa - I actually did consider the 30th birthday of a friend (a bridesmaid) when picking my wedding date. We went with the weekend afterward, but had her birthday worked best for us? I cannot imagine her having a problem with it.
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly are people supposed be "putting their foot down" for about this wedding?
ReplyDeleteThat it is on your birthday? That it is in the woods? This really doesn't sound that terrible.
Maybe you can suggest shuttles. Maybe you can get your BF, Mom, Dad or other cousin to drive so you can drink.
Maybe you can suck it up. This sounds like a bitching session you need to save for some close girls over drinks one night where you can whine about how your rich cousin always gets what she wants and she's ruining your birthday with her selfish wedding plans.
Go and be happy or skip it, fly to FL and be prepared for some really awkward future holidays that you "all spend together".
srsly
ReplyDeleteexcept for the fact that the letter writer is not a moh, surely this letter belongs on mmohiac esb!
ReplyDeleteMy Guest Is a Cunt.
DeleteAgreed with ESB. You literally just described what happens to every person who has a wedding to go to. Yes, you're going to have to buy a gift, yes, it's going to be somewhere remote, B&B's are lovely, deal with it. And take it as an opportunity to have a massive piss up on your birthday, on them. Your BF can drive.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I'd be bummed if I had a family wedding to go to on my 30th bday. I would seriously contemplate not going.
ReplyDeleteshe doesn't have to go, use it as a valid excuse to skip it.
DeleteBut it's not that big of a deal either, have a good time celebrating. BESIDES, it's her birthday weekend, not her actual birthday. She can have a kick ass night out on her birthday too if she wants.
wow, i kinda wanna slap you. barf.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, what's the big deal with going to a wedding on/around your birthday? What are you, five? Do you need cake and balloons and presents and a damn pinata to feel special on your birthday? Your birthday is not that big of a deal, so get over yourself.
ReplyDeleteGO OR DON'T GO. ugh.
ReplyDeleteThis and this!
Deletecompletely agree.
DeleteReally, I this Miss Woods was hoping we would all chime in with 'wow, that shit is so over-the-top' and 'that bride sure is a diva !' but since she is only INVITED to the wedding (not roped into the wedding party) I'm not inclined to feel bad for her. Honestly, Miss Woods, just don't go -- it doesn't sound like you even like your cousin very much. Just go out to dinner with your boyfriend and eat a big piece of birthday cake.
DeleteOh wait, it's your THIRTIETH birthday? In that case, yeah, you are being a brat.
ReplyDeletehaaaaa
Deletethese comments are making my afternoon. Can the author of "Woods" PLEASE chime in here?
ReplyDeletemake sure to express your emotions that day by wearing a green dress?
ReplyDeleteMiss Woods, my birthday is on a holiday. It annoys me every single year that I cannot have "my" day, but every single year I have a good time celebrating it a week later.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have a friend who celebrated her 40th birthday 9 months late. She had a great time.
while reading this i kept waiting for the horrible thing the bride was demanding...it never came. while planning our wedding i tried to plan the date around the various birthdays, graduations, births, etc. of family members, but then quickly came to the conclusion that it was impossible. you have a birthday every year, while your cousin will only get married (at least to this fiance) once. but if you really don't want to go, then just don't go.
ReplyDeleteand then the accomodations thing. the bride is not responsible for providing housing for every guest. you are an adult, THIRTY, in fact, and therefore, you are perfectly capable of housing yourself for a weekend. i had a cousin who got married in the woods and the only hotel in the area was twenty minutes away in a sketchy motel. when my family arrived for the wedding the friday afternoon before we brought chairs from our rooms, sat in the parking lot, drank and played cards all afternoon. it was a blast. lighten up.
lastly, the comment "No one has been forthcoming about multiple things: rehearsal dinner (are we invited?), time frame (assuming evening?), attire (black tie or casual?)." the wedding is in the fall, so it has to be at least 5 or 6 months away? you do not need to know these things yet. it's entirely possible that the bride and groom don't know these things yet. and if for some reason you do need to know these things, why don't you just ask someone rather than using it as another excuse to be whatever about this wedding?
I honestly would not have cared if any of my cousins chose to decline the invitation to my wedding. Even if it was because they'd rather watch TV at home. Even though they all live in the same city as the wedding was being held. It's an invitation, not a subpoena, and you don't need to tell her why you're unable to attend. Your cousin did nothing wrong by planning the wedding when she did, but that still doesn't mean you have to go.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if she's a little bitter that the bride isn't accepting all of her "offers" to help. Also, if she's being this much a bratty pill about the date... no wonder why the bride isn't jumping at the chance for her to sulk the whole time... I mean help.
ReplyDeleteI am gonna second this "loving this comment thread" comment - this is making my afternoon.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you to the person who posted the "Your Wedding Is Not An Imposition" link. (*Ass-hats!) That post and these comments really helped me feel better about friend of mine who reacted similarly to my (free-lodging, free-food!) wedding this fall.
Some people will always be Negative Nancies!
My husband's step sister flipped out because our wedding was scheduled the same weekend as her 35th birthday. We didn't really care she declined to come even when she rented a party hall and invited a lot of the same guests. We mostly just laughed at her pettiness to each other. I NEVER EVER said anything to her about it or to anyone. Regardless, she basically hasn't talked to me since... even when I attended her 36th birthday on my first wedding anniversary. I'm still not really angry... more confused and my opinion of her at this point is pretty low. Our wedding was also coincidentally on my friend's birthday and she thought it was awesome... we had an open bar. What's better than that on your birthday?
ReplyDeleteMy wedding is on the same day as our DJ's 33rd birthday, and he's still going. Then again, he IS getting paid to be there.
ReplyDeleteWe unintentionally organised our engagement on a close friend's birthday and our wedding on another's. They both said 'yay free drinks' and came along, and we had a great time the weekend(s) after for them. Although, it wasn't the family affair, most of their close friends were at the engagement and wedding.
ReplyDeleteesb's right, she has no right to be annoyed, the wedding sounds reasonable... but why do we all feel the need to chime in and terrorize her for asking for perspective? let's calm down, team.
ReplyDeleteUh...my husband's birthday was on our wedding day and he didn't complain. Cake, champagne, etc.
ReplyDeletelady, when YOU get married, you won't give a flying fuck whose birthday it is. get a grip.
ReplyDeleteMy cousins wedding was on my 30th birthday. I had an awesome time. Weddings can be extremely difficult to plan, and the timing is never ok for everyone. So unless the schedule directly impacts the bride or the groom or their parents, usually the date gets set to whatever works. Your cousin isn't trying to take the piss out of your birthday.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. Blah blah blah. I'm sure you can ask your BF to be the driver for your birthday. Get over it, whiner.
ReplyDeleteagree with ESB and the other commenters. you're being a brat. i certainly didn't plan my wedding around my cousins (or anyone else's) birthdays. IT'S HER F*CKING WEDDING. and srsly, you're turning 30, not 16.
ReplyDeletehonestly, all i read was "jealous, jealous, jealous"
This is for serious? Eek, glad you're not my cousin.
ReplyDeleteMy friends are having their wedding on my birthday. I'm psyched! I get to dress up, dance, eat cake and drink all night? Best birthday ever!
I don't think you're a brat, I think ESB is being a mega bitch. Brides need to learn that just because they're getting married doesn't mean everyone should lay down at their feet and give them everything they want. Not fair.
ReplyDelete