Dear ESB,
I feel strange about this as I have never been one to expect a present, ever. Like, not even from my mom or significant other on any birthday or Christmas.
I'm a bridesmaid, surprise surprise that it has to be about this, living on the other side of the country from the wedding. The wedding was last week where I dropped an unholy amount to fly out there for the week to help, where I wore a really ugly dress that was way too much money, where I gave an "envelope" gift as they asked for no boxed gifts, where I walked the walk, talked the talk, etc. You get the point.
The Bridesmaids, who all had to travel in from either out of state or a long car ride away, who all supported her through her family bullsh*t, who all threw her a shower ($), threw her a raging bachelorette ($$), did not receive a present. Like not a one. Not even a token card or heartfelt thank you at the rehearsal.
Now, being someone who ALWAYS writes thank you cards, this unnerved me just a tad but I feel guilty feeling so. We are all short on money and presents for 7 maids is pricey. But for me it wasn't the item, but it was the thought that wasn't there, the token of appreciation. What do you think ESB, am I out of line for feeling this way? I feel sort of stupid bringing it up to her but still, a part of me wants to call her up and say "Where the eff are your manners, girl?!"
Bridesmaid who a) subconsciously loves presents or b) just wants a damn thank you
*****
You are not out of line. That sucks. The bride should have given you a stupid thank you gift.
But. There is NO GOOD REASON to call and tell her off.
Be the bigger person and let it go.
Viktoriya Sasonkina by Maciek Kobielski for Numero Tokyo via highlikefashion
Or, she may be sending you a gift, or at least note, shortly (perhaps when she gets back from honeymoon?).
ReplyDeleteIf she's as awful as she sounds, she's probably waiting to get the pro photos back. Because what could you want more than a mug with their photo, their name, and the date of their wedding on?
That does suck of her, but let it go. No good will come of making it a big deal now. You sound like a good friend, learn from her mistakes.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I still owe my friends a proper thank you gift for helping with my wedding. I have built up how important and awesome it needs to be, it's a bit overwhelming. I already sent a note, but that was way late, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm someone who always writes thank yous and is generally pretty on-the-ball about this stuff.
Planning a wedding is so ridic overwhelming that sometimes when it's over, it's hard to finish up all the extra tasks.
Not that this EXCUSES that behavior, it's just what it is.
(BTW: once for a wedding, we all got custom Converse as a gift. Rad, right? Only I haven't worn Converse since Freshman year in HS and didn't realize how big they run. These things don't even come CLOSE to fitting. So they just sit in a box in my closet. It's the biggest bummer.)
I think not getting a present is one thing, but not getting thanked is completely another. That is something that would severely impact my friendship with this girl.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't necessarily mean a note, I mean in person.
DeleteLook, you are not a greedy asshole. It sounds to me like you would have been perfectly fine with a sweet, sincere and timely thank you note for all your hard work. She could at least have taken you ladies out for drinks and gotten emotional about how much she loves you all.
ReplyDeleteSo, you are perfectly justified in your feelings. But ESB is right - you have to just let it go. Luckily, the feeling of moral superiority should help you out a bit. Just remind yourself that you are an awesome and understanding friend.
Manners always seem to be in short supply when it comes to weddings. I'm tired of not receiving a thank you note from couples, I'm tired of being bitched out by fellow bridesmaids for asking simple questions, I'm tired of HAVING to buy a specific shade of silver shoes, I'm tired of planning things for people and not having fellow bridesmaids pitch in and definitely tired of the attitude that something HAS to happen because so-and-so is getting married. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThe wedding was just last week. Give her a minute!
ReplyDeleteI agree that it was thoughtless and rude to not thank you in person at the wedding, but perhaps she has something planned and just hasn't had a chance to execute it yet.
Heinous! But ESB is right...be the bigger person, hand on to this "friend"...milk her for everything she's worth when it's YOUR turn to get married/have a kid/celebrate a major life event. Payback!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, that's pretty awful of this girl. I bought my bridesmaids gifts and thanked them, and they didn't even have to do or buy anything! One of them, my SIL, even said repeatedly that her plan regarding our wedding was to "just show up" and she spent the whole thing scowling. And she *still* got a gift. Nonetheless, there's still time; maybe this bride is still working something out. Either way, do not call her out on it. No good can come of it.
ReplyDeleteHold the freaking phone, people ask for no boxed gifts?
ReplyDeleteThat seems a little dick.
I can't believe some of these people! You are obviously asked to be a bridesmaid because you are friends with the bride (presumably) and yet here you are bitching about being asked to stand up with your girl? I don't hold with the whole 'no thank you' thing as that is basic courtesy - but still, this smacks of petty high school girl politics. Build a bridge already!
ReplyDeleteGive a chance to breathe a bit before you start worrying...I agree with the last anonymous post: If you are such good friends with this girl then why are you worried about this only one week after. Is the girl on her honeymoon?
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I think the whole thank you card thing has gotten a little out of control. This may have become personal for me because we STILL haven't managed to get ours out for gifts (wedding was the end of August). We have half of them done, but we both are finishing our PhD's and traveling way too much for our projects, so I barely have time to call my own mother, or go for a run, etc. Point is though - I think it's extremely considerate of someone to give a gift or do a favor, and OF COURSE it is very thoughtful for the receiver to respond with a thank you card or gift (Normally I am great about getting them out). BUT - To expect a thank you card ????? I give gifts and do favors because I want to, not because I want a thank you card. It may be rude not to send them, but it's even more rude to ask for one.
gotta say anonymous- not really an excuse. end of august, seriously? you just have to put aside an afternoon and just get them done.
DeleteOP- i understand why you're upset. when i was a bridesmaid for a wedding a couple of years ago, i wasn't expecting any sort of thank you gift, i just wanted a verbal thanks, that was all. i was pretty cut when she didn't acknowledge all the help i'd given her but we're still good friends as we actually had a good chat about it around 6 months later when all the dust settled and she's still one of my best friends.
New gift receiving rule I found elsewhere: do not use the gift, get rid of it, or spend the money until you've sent the thoughtful/or not thoughtful (you might not like it) gift giver a thank you note!
ReplyDeletethat's good, I like that.
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