Dear ESB,
I am recently engaged to my person of 6 years. We've been close friends for 10 years. Basically, our lives, everything we want and care about and enjoy in the world, mesh perfectly. Getting engaged feels amazing; figuring out how to get married doesn't. I'll just get right to it cuz the problem is all mine:
His family is big and family-oriented (read as: really religious and conservative). His parents love me and I love them, his sister is really funny and sweet, her husband is really cool, and I'm excited to gain a family in all of them. His parents even want to buy me a wedding dress (no price tag) and they want to buy the flowers and host the rehearsal dinner.
All of this is generous and a little foreign to me but I'm trying to take in all in and so far so good. Enter his extended family -- great aunts, great uncles, uncles, aunts, tons of cousins, nieces, and nephews. And they WILL be at the wedding come hell or high whatever because that's how their family operates. Family is central, family is the foundation. NBD, right? See my fam below.
The MOM: drunk, manipulative, liar, left lots of bruises; i cut ties with her in 2010 and there's a lot more peace in my life now. not invited to the wedz.
The DAD: who? oh him, yeah i don't really know him. they divorced when i was 6 months old. i heard stories. not invited to the wedz.
The GRANDMOTHER: deceased a few years ago, was like a mother to me, miss her like mad.
The GRANDFATHER: he is quite frail, knows what's up on some level, probably not healthy enough to make the wedding.
The AUNT A: stopped talking to me when i cut ties with my mom, she thinks i'm lying about my mom's sickness and abuse. her kids, my cousins, followed suit. not invited to the wedz.
The AUNT B: she knows what's what with my mom; they love me, and they will come to my wedding.
The ME: only child, raised by wolves.
The problem (finally): I've researched and googled and asked my therapist and friends about how you have a cohesive wedding when you're missing all this immediate family and he's brought the genetic cavalry. "Just seat everyone together." That's the answer I get. Sure, okay, now everyone is sitting together at the ceremony and at dinner. I can walk myself down the aisle. But the rest? I'm not gonna lie. I'm scared to death about the rest.
No dance with a parent, no parents to take pictures with, no family to give a speech or whatever happens. I realize I can have a "nontraditional" wedding wherein we skip all that stuff, don't need father or mother to make a beautiful wedding. But as some point, this point, it just feels ridiculous. Like a huge piece of the event is missing and I'm dead center of that empty space. This is unnerving.
I'm giddy about marrying my love. And I'm excited to have our loved ones celebrate with us. I'm totally at peace with where I am today. But, wow, do I feel ill-equipped to throw a wedding. How do we keep this from being a glaring THING in the center of the event? How do I gracefully handle the "where are your parents" questions?
So far, I've come up with champagne, drinking lots and lots of champagne. Copious helpings of Valium?
Wasted bride alert. S.O.S.
*****
Lady, you're already doing the right thing. You're taking care of yourself. You're not inviting the wolves.
DON'T SWEAT IT.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Your friends (and your fiance's family -- YOUR NEW FAMILY) are coming to your wedding because THEY WANNA SEE YOU GET MARRIED! They don't give a shit about meeting your mom and dad.
If anyone asks, "Where are your parents?" just tell them "I was raised by wolves." That'll shut em up.
If these people are not an important part of your life, why should their absence leave a hole in the middle of your wedding?
Lone(ly) Wolf by Aled Lewis
TOTES. Sh*tty family is sh*tty company. Consider this a good opportunity to skim off all those wedding dance-list traditions that should have gone out with the Electric Slide. For the aisle: Aunt B could walk you down or you could carry something from your gran and have her "walk" you down. Either way, you've got the important people there. Don't worry about anything other than looking totally amazing and having a blast; wedding = best party ever.
ReplyDeletePS: Lonely wolf is the best.
Aunt B sounds awesome and will be there to support you. If you're nervous, get her to be your wing-lady on family questions. Also, the other family/wedding party/close friends/vendors can be made aware of the sitch in advance and will have your back. There will be so many loving people there, who cares which side they're from? Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteDitto this. Your person's family will know what is up with yours (or you'll have some tell them explicitly) so they won't ask, and your people will already know. Having one parent of the "wolf in sheep's clothing" variety, I totally understand this need.
Delete*someone tell them. Someone. Ugh, no coffee yet, sorry!
DeleteIn terms of family, I had roughly 35 people in attendance. My husband had four (five if you count his half sister's boyfriend). A few more were invited but didn't come (most notably his mother and the 2 half brothers he was raised with). He also had several old friends not come.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to tell you how this felt to him but I certainly know he felt worse about it before the wedding than he did AT the actual event. He has new family - mine and our friends - who know him better and support him fully.
Regardless of my family being there, I think the only thing that I did that you mentioned was have my parents walk me down the aisle. We didn't do any formal dances or speeches, didn't have assigned seating (which I've mentioned before was not intended - more of a procrastination/rain-plan problem). The wedding was casual and constantly moving - I am not sure many people even noticed Michael's lack of familial guests.
Also I think your new mother in law can help stave off questions before the fact. She can quietly spread the word that you and your family aren't close (or however you'd like her to say it) before the event as she gets in touch with family during the natural planning nonsense. Then it's only the rude people who will ask you about your parents, and you can feel totally justified in being rude back. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOn my wedding day, I felt very strong ties to my other family, the family I CHOSE for myself--my friends, convened from far and wide. Why not think of them as your family? If you want to, you can have a first dance with the sweet guy friend who's had your back since high school. Let your fierce girlfriends give speeches. You'll be surrounded by love, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, people who are rude enough to ask about where your parents are ought to get a "raised by wolves."
You sound amazing and so smart & strong, and your person and your persons family have got your back. You are surrounded by love! Its just some dusty old script thats making you feel this absence. Screw it! I think on your wedding day you'll be so blissed out it will all be a none issue!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on being a survivor. (that's what my Grammy called me, and now I always picture her singing Destiny's Child when I need a pep talk.)
If the dance is important to you, maybe you could have it with your fiance's father. I'm sure he would be honored to be asked and it's something that would bring you even closer to them.
ReplyDeleteThis!
DeleteYesyesyesyes this is what I was going to say. Sometimes not doing something doesn't make it better. You are adopting them as your new family, which is a beautiful thing. If you feel fulfilled by this, ask him to dance with you.
Deletenot to be a jerk, but aren't parent dances kinda the weirdest anyways? just sayin.
DeleteI am the gal from this post . I didn't end up inviting my Dad, nor any part of his family. It was the best decision I have ever made. My entire family didnt even fill up one table. I nixed having any mention of family or parents on the invite. I had friends do the important stuff, and involved my in-laws a ton (my mother in law did all the lovely stuff with me such as dress buying, she threw me a shower and the rehersal dinner). To be honest, no one even noticed that my family wasn't there, and if they asked anyone about it, it certainly wasn't me. We had some of the BEST speeches I have ever heard from our awesome friends. In my eyes the people who love me are my "family", and that's all that mattered.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. That's exactly what friends are for in modern life.
DeleteThis sounds very similar to the situation I'm in. I love Mouse's suggestion above.
ReplyDeleteAnother option we're considering is a small weekend retreat with his immediate family and a few of our closest friends where we'll have the ceremony. Then a larger after-party in his hometown with his huge extended family and network and a key group of 5-10 of my friends so I feel like I have an additional support network.
For me, I was concerned about feeling alone and mourning my own lack of family in the face of all the love from his extended family. (It's something I've seen myself go through at other family weddings/reunions with him). Although he and the immediate family try their best to include me, it's still not the same for me as the excitement and conversations they have with their cousins. I'm naturally a bit shy and this is full of emotions, so the idea of being the "center of attention" with a bunch of people that I don't know as well made me sick to my stomach anxious. His family understood and this compromise means I'll be able to be present at my wedding and celebrate those closest to us, but still honor the extended cousins and other family members that mean a lot to his family but, in reality, I'll only see once every few years.
Your aunt and uncle can fill in as much as possible. Then, your friends. Trust me, there will be so many people there and so many people know how complicated and sad some families are -- It will be ok. On the positive side, you are fortunate to be surrounded by a large, LOVING family for your future. Try not to become someone you're not and it will be wonderful. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteYou got this already - the wedding WILL be cohesive and full of love for you and your guy. You won't be at the center of an empty space, you'll be creating a brand new space with loads of support from the cool people you've CHOSEN to surround yourself with.
ReplyDeleteI just had this wedding. 95 guests, 65 of them were my husband's family and friends. My 30 consisted of 10 family members (divorced parents on opposite sides of the room who pouted the entire time and did not dance with me once, druggie brothers who spent the night getting wasted, and two sets of aunts and uncles with their adorable kids who cut out early) and 20 supportive friends who made me laugh, dance my ass off and forget the drama.
ReplyDeleteMy advice? On the day just focus on your new husband, new family and friends. If you don't make a big deal out of your parents' absence neither will they.
This is going to be FINE. Like ESB said, you're already ahead -- you've ousted the wolves. My drunk mother was at my wedding, but she was so drunk (yeah, in the morning) that my father had to babysit. So I walked myself down the aisle (really, when you come from this type of dysfunction, that's what feels true anyway), didn't do parent dances, and didn't have parent toasts. And it was fine. It was like every other major occasion when they were dysfunctional/absent. In a sad way, that felt right.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is right. I have a wonderful (but small) family. I had this type of wedding by choice. No parent dances (if you really want one, maybe dance with his dad while he dances with his mom?), not many posed family photos and our best friends gave the speeches so we could include them. You will have the time of your life. There is no "right" way to do a wedding, just the way that works for you and your fiance. At the end of the day it's about your marriage. (and it sounds like you are marrying into a wonderful, supportive family).
ReplyDeleteBring in your friends!
ReplyDeleteI had a wedding overseas and kind of last minute, so only my mom, step-dad, and brother could make it . . . my closest (guy) friend made a beautiful speech and had my step-dad not been there, he would have walked me down the aisle too. Or you could enlist one of your future hubbie's brothers to walk you down the aisle - whoever it is, they'll be honored and nobody will care if it's unconventional. Those kinds of moments create fantastic bonds in a friendship and it'll be nice to know that these good friends stood up as your family at one of your biggest moments - you'll always have that. Enjoy it!
I didn't invite my dad or his side of the family to my wedding. BEST DECISION EVER. You are already there by knowing that you don't want these people. You don't need them. Relying on his mom and his family will make them nothing but thrilled. Family is so important to them and now you are their family.
ReplyDelete"If these people are not an important part of your life, why should their absence leave a hole in the middle of your wedding?"
ReplyDeletePerfectly said. It sounds like you are doing everything absolutely right. Congrats on becoming a part of a new family. Congrats on finding an awesome guy. Congrats on overcoming all the shit. Seriously.
Find the people who have been important to you -- Aunt B, serious friends -- and create roles that honor them. Celebrate the awesome support you DO have. It's not about skipping the parental stuff and having a giant hole, it's about recognizing the people you rely on instead and showing what goes in that space instead.
ReplyDeleteIf that feels too overwhelming, go tiny and have a big party after.
get a sign like this http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ES6JkGjPaPo/Tj307LniHFI/AAAAAAAACCA/y14bEmp1rAc/s1600/sign.jpg (but with a way better font) and focus your planning on maximizing the awesome people who will be there. it can be a bummer to try to plan a celebration around the idea of trying to minimize what you see as gaps in the family. is there somebody (like your awesome aunt, or your bff) who you would like to walk you down the aisle? or you and your man could walk down together. besides, nosy relatives may ask *someone* where the bride's fam is, but there is a slimslimslim chance that they'd actually ask YOU. there are options here, but i think the biggest thing is to stop stressing about what people are going to think about the lack of family.
ReplyDeletei have a close friend whose dad had passed away a year or two before, and she and her mom were not on speaking terms when she got married, so mom didn't show. (they've since reconciled, but that's neither here nor there). She walked herself down the aisle. I know she felt some pangs of absence on that day, but without a doubt, one of the best weddings (and parties) i've been to. the lack of parental support that day was not in any way what the guests took away from the experience.
It sounds like you've done the REALLY hard part here, namely figuring out how to build a good life and stable and loving relationships after getting a seriously raw deal in terms of your own family. Well done. Go ahead and cry over your lack of a decent family to celebrate your wedding with you, then go ahead and celebrate it with people who love you. No one is judging you, and even if they are it doesn't matter.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like the real issue is not who to invite (which everyone agrees has been decided for the best) but how to deal with the emotions. I'm also in the situation of having a parent not present at my wedding. I think the hardest part is just not knowing what to expect emotionally on the day of the wedding. You don't know if you'll just be ok, of if you'll feel uncomfortable about it and I have often felt daunted by the prospect.
ReplyDeleteOther posters suggested to focus on the people who ARE there. I agree with that completely. Just include the people who are important to you and who you love. They will feel honored and the day will be filled with love.
Keep trying to figure out how you think you'll feel on that day. Maybe try to picture it and picture yourself reacting to a certain situation. Also, picture all of the happy moments of the day that you are looking forward to. That will be the most important part.
You are so lucky to be entering into a loving family who loves YOU! I think the way to avoid any questions is to make sure your person's mom lets everyone know that family is a sensitive issue for you, and that they are all to just celebrate you joining their family! Who wouldn't want to make you feel as loved and accepted and happy on your wedding day? I think they will rise to the occasion, surround you with love, and make you feel like the most special person in the world.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could make sure the only people there are family and your and your husband's friends who know your story. Don't invite anyone who would need to ask nosey questions.
I think that if everyone kind of knows what's up, they are going to go out of their way to make you feel so loved and comfortable, and I bet you'll have the best wedding ever.
Also, I definitely think you should ask Aunt B to be your surrogate mama for the day, or wing-lady, or whatever. She'll be totally there for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a similar situation. His family is a little crazy, but in the most lovable way and they have always been really nice to me and treated me like I was already part of the family.
ReplyDeleteI'm also an extreme introvert, so even if I did have my own loving family to support me, I would still be overwhelmed by all of the attention and activity of a wedding. I have cried myself to sleep after all of my friends' weddings, because my family could never be or pretend to be as cute and loving.
But I have a few pretty great friends, and they promised to support me on the big day (and through all of the chaos beforehand).
I'm walking down the aisle on my own, we are skipping the father/daughter and mother/son dances (his mom died when he was 4 and I haven't spoken to my dad since 2000), no garter or bouquet toss, no cake cutting, and toasts will be limited to the rehearsal dinner.
I'm still terrified, though. I don't think that will go away. But I keep reminding myself how excited I am to be part of a new family and how most of my friends will be traveling halfway across the country to be there for me.
Don't focus on what you think is missing. I know it's hard, but focus on the positive and how happy you will be!
In Germany, there's a saying: You cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. Enjoy having them around. Stop thinking about the wolves. By the way: I think nobody will ask about your parents because they won't want to ruin your day
ReplyDeleteGirl I so feel for you right now. I was beyond stressed about my wedding - Honey has a HUGE close, German family... I have a small, dysfunctional family - most of the tables were filled with his family. You know what?? I had no idea that day, all I saw was a sea of shining, smiling faces that were happy for me and Honey.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't read through all these comments, but I don't think you should walk down the aisle yourself. I think it would be sweet to have your hubby walk you down the aisle. I know that's not conventional, but if he's the rock in your life it seems fitting that he would be the one walking into this new phase with you. *My little brother walked me down the aisle - I didn't miss my dad during that moment - not for one second.
Congrats!!!
This is No Dances with Wolves. Just want to thank ESB and everyone who responded. It's a huge relief to hear that someone thinks I'm doing the right thing already. And it's encouraging to hear from ESB readers who know, firsthand, what I'm going through.
ReplyDeleteHaving no immediate family at the wedding feels really sad! IT IS SAD. I think I've been trying to make it not sad (get in the round hole square peg). I don't know that you substitute those missing people with friends or extended family, you know? At least in my case, I'm not sure there is anyone but the guy I'm marrying who has been my family for so many years. I guess you just accept it, experience it, and keep it in context. Like I said, I think I really needed hear other people have gone through this AND had great weddings.
<3
I may be a smidge late on this -- but I totally feel you on this. For a number of crazy reasons that I will spare you, my mom chose not to attend my wedding, and sucked my dad into not attending, either, even though he had the airfare and the tickets. I luckily had my sister to stand beside me, but pretty much everyone who attended were my (now) husband's family and his friends, since my extended family are all in another country. I won't lie: it definitely felt sad. But, like you already said, you embrace knowing that you are gaining an *amazing* family (I *totally* did with my hubs's fam), and have amazing friends by your side (my bridesmaids were my closest girls). I didn't want to deprive my husband's mom of the son/mother dance (I don't think he really cared, eeps!), and so I danced with his dad, who was amazing about that -- not that we danced separately, since that would have been uber weird, and not in the center of the dance floor -- But that was how we handled that. We incorporated Filipino traditions (my ethnic background) so that I could feel like I was bringing a bit of family in, and also so that, honestly, the edge would be taken off knowing that my dad wasn't walking me down the aisle, and my mom wasn't present -- So I had, instead, loved ones "sponsor" certain traditions. It certainly wasn't the same as family -- But I felt all the love, and focused on that (and my husband), and still feel pretty darn good. I hope this helps -- Also, fyi, I pretty much bawled my eyes out on my best friend (right after my MIL came into the suite to tell me a bunch of things (I have no idea what right now, I just smiled tightly and nodded), when everything just caught up to me -- the hugeness of the moment, the kind-of-but-not-loneliness, just everything. So, if you have that breakdown moment, just let it all out, then enjoy the rest of the day/night -- we totally did :) Best wishes!
ReplyDelete(not too late, cara) oh man, the breakdown moment -- this is good information. i'm sure this will happen to me, too. my greatest fear is that i'll be going along, everything is fine, and then i'll start crying in the middle of the reception when someone unwittingly asks about my family. i'm not pulling-my-hair-out scared; just trying to get a grip, avert unpleasant surprises.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, and you can plan plan plan -- I too like to Prepare Myself for all possible scenarios... and I inevitably miss one. Want to know what I did not plan for, as I was bracing myself for the same questions on my wedding day and at the reception? I completely was unprepared for ... no one. asking me. a single question about my parents' absence. I know -- mindblowing, right :D? I don't mean to make light of it, because it certainly doesn't feel light -- and it's good you're not the PMHO scared ;), but hey, sometimes it's nice to think about that possibility too! I know with myself, I tend not to look on the bright side -- but hey, it's clear we're not the ostrich-type :) Whenever y'all tie the knot, we'll be sending you good vibes! And can't wait to see the update here (whenever that may be!) :)!
DeleteI'm a bit late to the game on this one - ESB, although I am married now I still read your blog, albeit maybe in a less needy, checking in every 5 minutes, kind of way!
ReplyDeleteMy father, step-mother, and 2 brothers did not attend my wedding. Money was tight, and they weren't able to pay for their own way. Because my (then) fiance and I could only afford to pay for my dad's flight, hotel, food, etc. and not everyone's, he chose to opt out. If his wife and "boys" couldn't be there, he didn't want to go. I was hurt, furious, and to this day have an incredibly strained relationship with him because of his (in my opinion) selfish choice. In addition to my dad not being there, every last family member on my side of the family that was invited, aside from my mom, my one aunt, and my sister, declined.
My family is small, and my fiance's family is HUGE. Although my mom and my sister and aunt were able to attend, it was palpably obvious to everyone that my family was lacking in representation. BUT not having "certain" individuals was a stress reliever in the end. As far as ceremony seating, we just had everyone choose their seats with no emphasis on "bride side"/"groom side". Our good friends gave terrific, heartwarming speeches, and our first dance was enough awkward singled-out group attention for me, thank you very much.
When all was said and done, I gave very little thought to those that weren't at my wedding. What mattered most was that my husband and I were surrounded by people that cared most for us and gave us the most support in our lives. This did not matter if they were related or not. All the best in planning your wedding!
As a wedding photographer, can I just say that I wouldn't ever bat an eye if there were no family to photograph for formal portraits or if there wasn't a traditional father/mother/daughter/son dance.
ReplyDeleteWhen this is the ONE wedding that you're planning, all those traditions seem to loom so large. This is how it's done, right? But it's not. I've photographed a lot of weddings with a TON of different family dynamics and in the end, nothing matters so much as the relationship of you and your partner. Those are the BEST weddings. The ones where the bride and groom are so head over heels in love with each other that it makes you giddy to watch and a pleasure to photograph. My advice to you is to forget about the traditions that don't make sense for you and create new and meaningful ones that do work. If you can't have a traditional father/daughter dance, how about you dance with your future father in law? I have no doubt he would LOVE to do that for you, and I think it would be sweet as hell. And to be quite honest, the only dance that has all eyes on you before people start wandering off to find drinks is gonna be the bride & groom dance. That's the one you can cherish, because that's the one that will no doubt be the most important to you. :)
And I love the idea someone suggested above to have your husband walk you down the asle. I LOOOOVE that! I might steal it for my own wedding.