Dear ESB,
here I go.
Last year I got married to the best man in the world! I love him like crazy and our wedding was amazing. I had 3 bridesmaids, all of them were really happy for us and saved me during some pre-wedding freak-outs. Two of them have boyfriends and the other one was single. It was obvious that sometimes the wedding planning made her a little sad, as she was always the one who dreamed of getting married in big white dress and have a cake with a lot of layers. Still she was really excited for us and helped wherever she could.
A few months after our wedding she met a guy. A few weeks later he moved in with her. A few weeks later they got engaged!
I've met him and he seems like a really nice guy and they look really happy together.
But... I'm scared that she's marrying a good enough man because she really wants to get married. The wedding isn't until the fall of next year.
My husband and I met in high school and got married after 12 years of dating and 7 years of living together. I understand that if you meet each other later in life things can go a lot faster. But how fast is too fast?
Am I overreacting? My husband certainly thinks so. All of her friends like the guy. Her parents like him. Nobody worries.
I am overreacting. Right?
All the best!
Worries-too-much
*****
You are suffering from Post-Nuptial Know-It-All Syndrome.
Take a deep breath.
Drink a glass of water.
Go for a long walk or to a fucking yoga class.
It will pass eventually.
Image: Dawn Black via Art Hound
Honestly, even if she is just marrying him because she wants to get married, there is no way you can convince her of that.
ReplyDeleteYou need to MYOB.
ReplyDeletemoving in together and getting engaged in the space of a couple months is pretty um... extreme.
ReplyDeleteBut, at least they have about a year and half to live and get to know each other before the actual wedding, so if she does decide she just had crazy-jealous-wannabeabride head, she can always call it off before the day. (not a pleasant thought, but..)
It does seems strange to me, but I guess some people date for a year and then get married 6 months later. She is doing that in reverse, she will have been with her guy the same amount of time as a lot of people, they just decided sooner and had a longer engagement.
So everybody likes him and they seem happy together? What, exactly, are you worried about?
ReplyDeleteAnecdata time! One of my sisters did this. She got engaged to her husband on their second date and they got married about 18 months later.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and her husband now have two gorgeous teenage children, they've been married, I think about 17 or 18 years, and have a fantastic relationship.
So, sometimes you just don't know. I'd butt out if I were you. She's happy, he's happy, friends and family are happy. Don't create drama, just be a supportive friend.
One person's opinion: Unless they were good friends for a long time before, moving in/getting engaged after a few weeks is absurd and stupid. Barring a pregnant and conservative bride, why would anyone move so quickly unless they are just desperate to be engaged/married?
ReplyDeleteMy mother and sister did this and while they are troopers about their marriages, neither seems to really be all that stoked about the person they're spending their life with. Just saying.
Depending on how close you guys are and how sensitive she is to kind criticism, I would have a "are you sure you're using your brain?" tête-à-tête.
I did this. And we weren't desperate to get married, we were excited to get married. And yeah, I'm still stoked.
DeleteSure, the friend might be making a mistake, but so might the people who've been together for twelve years.
^Agree. Getting engaged that fast IS crazy, but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, just like sometimes dating for 6 years ends up in a successful marriage and sometimes it doesn't. In the end, every couple is different...and you have to just trust them to know themselves, and make their own mistakes.
DeleteI moved in with my boyfriend after two months of dating. We weren't stupid. We weren't desperate. We were/are both highly educated, financially stable, functional people who just knew we clicked and fell in love! We wanted to be together, so we moved in together. We are now 1.5 years later happily engaged and planning our wedding (which won't happen for another year, so NO I'm not desperate to be married). Sometimes, when you know, you know. It completely depends on the person/couple/situation. My friends were super supportive because they saw how great we were together and how happy we were/are. And I'm so glad we didn't waste more time living apart. You can not understand something, but that doesn't make it stupid.
Deletemy husband and i moved in together after two months of knowing each other. next month makes it seven years. we waited 4 1/2 years to get married, so i'm not exactly sure that would qualify us as "desperate". since, we've have a child, we enjoy each other's company, and we have lots of sex. just sayin'.
DeleteESB's response made me snort at work. Yeahhh I say save your judgement for if the cracks start to appear several months down the road. If you tell her right off the bat that she's desperate she's not going to listen to you or confide in you if things start derailing later on.. In fact, that might even push her to go through with a wedding she's less sure of, just to avoid proving you right. Hopefully though, you're 100% wrong and your friend found the perfect guy for her AND had the good sense to figure it out so early in their relationship and will live happily ever after and yada yada.
ReplyDeleteAMEN!
DeleteWhy does everyone say "good enough" like its a such a terrible thing? There's no such thing as perfect. Do they get along, do they have similar values & goals, can they sucessfully live together, do they enjoy each others families, have they planned enough time into the engagement to figure these things out? If yes to these, then he sounds like he's better than good enough.
ReplyDeleteIf they met last year and are now engaged and planning to get married next year, that sounds like a pretty standard time frame for two adults. I'd personally be more upset about dating 12 years and living together for SEVEN before getting married. But that worked great for the author, so clearly we're all on different schedules here.
Have her over a girls night.
ReplyDeletePrepare some tropical cocktails.
Watch Muriel's Wedding.
Sing some Abba.
Offer to help her with anything she needs, wedding related or otherwise.
*for* a girls night, that is....
DeleteYes! I really want someone to prepare me some tropical cocktails.
Deletereally, don't you think she knows what she's doing? she probably could have settled long before your wedding if she were really as desperate as you think she is now.
ReplyDeleteA year of marriage makes you an expert on everyone else? Good to know.
ReplyDeleteButt out. Be happy for her.
It's really none of your business how she wants to craft her life. Because IT'S HER LIFE, not yours.
Given the tone of the letter, I think this girl has concern for her friend's LONG-TERM happiness, past the bachelorette party and the honeymoon.
DeleteThat doesn't make her a know it all or a busy body; she seems like a very caring friend who has the brains to think before she speaks. I can't believe everyone is being so hard on her.
I had a friend who met a guy and was engaged less then a year later and I thought it was a little fast, so I brought it up. It was a calm covo, nothing that implied that I didn't like him or that she was desperate. Just a friend asking if she was sure he was the guy for her. She said, with the biggest smile on her face, that she was sure and that was that. You can totally have this talk, but don't be judgmental or insinuate that you think she's just doing it to be married.
ReplyDeleteIf you've been with the same guy for 12 years, since high school, you probably don't have much experience dating a ton of people. For me, at least, dating around for years made it much easier to recognize what I did want. I imagine it's the same for your friend.
ReplyDeleteYes, experience really helps with that whole "when you know, you know" thing.
DeleteAgreed, dating for a long time and having several long term relationships I realized pretty quickly that my fiance was it for me. We moved in after 3 months and got engaged after 4 more. I worried that some of my longest time friends would be judgemental and have some of the fears of the writter. My best friend said in no uncertain terms "You're not new at this and you've never moved so quickly before. I totally trust and support you." It was awesome. Hopefully you can offer your friend this same kind of support.
DeleteYES.
DeleteYES THANK YOU. I have noticed a disturbing trend among some of the recently married that they seem to think they are suddenly experts on marriage (and it only took a few months!) and that all unmarried people welcome their unsolicited advice.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people split up after a few months, or a few years or even 12 years. Getting married is an exciting, momentous and significant experience, but it doesn't mean you've crossed some sort of cosmic finish line where you have nothing more to learn about being in a serious relationship. And as well-meaning as she may be, I don't think it's going to help anybody for Worries-too-much to say anything about it.
Ladies. We are all being way too hard on this poor girl! Worrier: you do not sound like a know-it-all to me. You sound like a good and concerned friend who only has good intentions. I agree with KC (scroll up) one thousand percent. If you think you can pull it off the way she describes it then totally have the convo. Good luck!
ReplyDeletei had a friend who got engaged after 3 months and married at the 1 year mark without ever having lived together. i had another friend who did the typical date for 4 years, get engaged, move in together during engagement period.
ReplyDeletethe first one, after the wedding, discovered that her husband no longer wanted to have an exciting sex life because "now you're a WIFE." and the second one discovered that after they moved in together, he pretty much stopped paying any attention to her.
both act joyously happy, but what's the difference. there's only a 50-50 chance you won't be miserable no matter HOW you prepare beforehand.
Post-Nuptial Know-It-All Syndrome = brilliant.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why I read ESB every day.
ReplyDeleteHi everyone, I'm the worries-too-much of the e-mail. Haha! ESB you're the best! I just send this e-mail in yesterday! Thanks guys, I really-really-really don't want to turn into a "I've been married for a few months and therefor know it all" type of girl. (let's hope it's not too late). I'll consider the girls-night out honest, but not judgmental conversation. And I'll just be happy that she's happy! She deserves it!
ReplyDeleteI guess I just wanted to know about the "when you know, you know"-thing. If it really goes like that. And I guess it does...
I think it goes like that for some people. I decided to move the across the country, after spending three days with my now-husband, to be with him. And we moved in together right away. Quite out of character for me, but I (we both, actually) knew. I also had a back up plan just in case (friends in the area, etc.)
DeleteUltimately it depends on your friend's personality and overall judgment, I think. But don't let your long pre-marital relationship colour your thoughts too much.
Totally! My husband moved in to my apartment on our first date. I'm not kidding. And I knew that morning that he was staying for the long run (and so did he)... I mean, of course I had moments of questioning down the road at different points, and it took us a few years to get married, but yeah... for many people that would be crazy. For us, it was right.
DeleteIt COMPLETELY can go like that, the "when you know, you know" thing.
DeleteA friend got married last summer who had been dating her now husband for 8 years. I was happy for them, but not the happiest bridesmaid around... sometimes it just super sucks being the ONLY single person in the wedding party. No one like's being the wallflower/ms lonley hearts when it comes to the slow dances and weddings can be kinda romancy if your brain is inclined to go that way.
Also, since that wedding last May I'm dating a guy who moved in 2 months later and we've been out ring shopping the last month or so and are planning on a 2013 wedding. My friend who got married last summer probably feels like that's just too fast considering what she went through.
Remember how supportive your friend was when you got married, even though she was in a different spot than you? Now it's your turn to be supportive to her.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is different. There is no formula for a successful marriage. I agree with ESB. Post-Nuptial-Know-It-All Syndrome.