Hey ESB,
Here's the deal. My sister and I have never had a good relationship, and it's deteriorated rapidly since I got engaged (not sure if there's causation there but I wouldn't rule it out). My question of whether or not to include her in the bridal party out of duty or tradition or whatevs has been answered by you already with (I'm pretty sure) a resounding "Fuck that shit."
[Editor's note: YEAH, LADY!]
Now my question is this: FH and I are getting ready to start actually planning our wedding, like booking a venue etc, and I will probably start assembling my maids soon. Do I call my pseudo-estranged sis and explain gently why I've decided not to ask her to be a b-maid, or do I just let it play itself out? She's certainly not above calling me to demand why she hasn't been asked to be maid of honor yet (oh yeah, she'll expect to be my MOH).
I'd appreciate the input.
-Troubs in Sister-land
*****
I do not have a sister. The ways of sisters are utterly foreign to me.
But.
Luke by Tio Guim Zarraluki via The Jealous Curator
just make sure you realize that not having her in your wedding party at all is a nail in the coffin, a step towards deeper estrangement. that may be what you want/need, but if not, maybe she could just be the bridesmaid at the back of the line? know what i mean?
ReplyDeleteI think you should call her. It'll come up eventually and being up front with her will cause less drama then letting her find out the hard way. Takes the guess work out.
ReplyDeleteI have sisters, and as awkward as it is, I think you have to call her. Because it is more like a guy you're dating not calling to tell you why he's breaking up with you than a guy not calling to say why he's not dating you (with all due genuflection, ESB).
ReplyDeleteIf she is assuming, than she could easily just be angrier about you "not caring enough" to not even talk to her about it. Not that she won't be pissed either way, clearly. And pretending the whole thing isn't an issue never helps, in my opinion.
I would call her. Tell her you've decided to just have your closest friends stand up and support you on your day. Seems less dramatic then both of you waiting for it to come up (and then the shit hitting the fan).
ReplyDeleteI would take the easy way out and involve your mom or some neutral third party you're both close to. Explain your reasoning, ask for mom's (or whoever) advice on whether/ how to break the news. If you're lucky mom my tell her for you by dropping a well-placed and thoughtful comment. If not, you at least have an ally when all hell breaks loose later.
ReplyDeleteI'd also let your mom know first...the last thing you need is your sister calling your mom all upset and then your mother calling and demanding you include your sister. Because that is totally what will happen unless your parents already have a pretty good understanding of their daughter's relationship.
ReplyDeleteI'm so thankful for all the additional input (I'm Troubs in Sisterland). I'm now leaning toward having her be the "bridesmaid at the back of the line" as the first Anon mentioned, because I do not want this to be a nail in the coffin. It would also be extra awkward because my FH's sisters will be my maids, and my brother will be a groomsman. Excluding her would be a massive slap in the face and as bad as our relationship is, I don't want to do that to her.
ReplyDeleteDoes everyone think its ok to have her be "bridesmaid at the back of the line"?
I also appreciate the comments about involving our mom, but we don't have a mom anymore, so it would mean Dad, or StepMom, which would be weird for both of them I think.
DeleteOh man... if FH sister's are maids and you brother is a groomsman it would be pretty harsh to leave little sis out.
DeleteOooh, yeah, if you're including other sibs in the party, it'd be a pretty major slap in the face to to include your sister. I don't know what kind of estrangement situation you've got going on, but I say include her if you think it won't be too much drama.
DeleteBut yeah, eff that, pick an MOH who's gonna help keep you sane, not make you more crazy.
Back of the line sounds good to me! I take the "give her nothing to complain about" tack with one of my sisters, and this would fit in nicely with that.
Deleteback of the line works if you don't want to put that nail in the coffin.
Deleteif your FH sisters are in your wedding party, she definitely should be. Unless you aren't inviting her at all.
DeleteIf it's so bad to have HIS sisters and not YOUR OWN sister you shouldn't invite her at all.
it's cruel.
Yes, I think with family you should probably include all sisters or no sisters, unless she's done something so horrible that it's impossible to include her.
DeleteIf there is any chance that this might just be a temporary glitch in your relationship then you might want to see her in your pictures when you look back in 20 years and you guys are over it.
as someone with two sisters, I would say you absolutely have to have her in the wedding if you're having other sibs in there too. I'd tell her (gently) that she's not MOH, but I would still include her. Regardless of how much your relationship has deteriorated, she's still your sister. And she might surprise you- I had a horrible relationship with my older sister before I was her MOH, now we email each other every day. And my younger sister was my MOH, and we can now actually be civil to each other.
DeleteCould your recent worsening relations be contributed to her having a hard time adjusting? I was inconsolable when my older sister got married and probably was more bitchy than necessary because I was trying to process everything.
ooh, call her.
ReplyDeletei mean, the dude analogy is kinda spot on, except that it's YOUR SISTER, and not some guy you actually don't have attachment to.
you have history with your sis, and if she expects it, then you should call.
call her up! BUT do realize that IT IS the big nail in the coffin. if you want to work things through with her, then have her in the party. if you don't really care, then calling her up should be no big deal.
"HEY. i know tradition dictates having family members oblige and be part of the wedding party, BUT i've decided to be a little untraditional and have my really close friends stand up with me."
that's unoffensive, IF she gets what your relationship actually is.
GOOD LUCK.
Call her. Family is differnt than some dude you'll never see again.
ReplyDeleteHowever, rather than focusing on what you don't want her to do, be the MOH, I would focus on what you do want her to be involved. Be a bridesmaid? Go dress shopping, etc? And then also share your plans for the bridal party.
Avoidance is not the best policy. Feelings will be hurt, but avoiding it will make it worse.
Or, if you do decide she is not a bridesmaid, you could call her to ask her to do something else (man the guestbook, whatever) and she will get by you asking her to do that that she isn't a maid. Or is that too harsh?
ReplyDeleteI would vote no on that. I always think that offering to have someone man the guest book is more of an imposition than an honor, unless the person in question is under 12 years old and gets excited about greeting everyone.
DeleteBut maybe I'm just an anti-social spoilsport?
wow, no. NO. guest book duty would be insulting to anyone over 12, especially a sister.
Deletehow bout, DON'T HAVE A GUEST BOOK
DeleteI never got the idea of having someone "man" a guestbook? What guest really can't figure out what to do when there is a book and a pen (or a frame and a mat, or a polaroid, tape, and an empty book). It's not rocket science. It's signing your name. Manning it is a pity position if I ever heard one.
DeleteAllyson's right, I say from the land of two sisters.
ReplyDeleteEyeHeartLife
ReplyDeleteI agree that you should call her and ask if she'll be a bridesmaid since FH's sisters and your brother are in wedding. Don't even mention the MOH title if possible. A wedding is just one day of your life but hopefully your sister will be in your life for years to come.
re: Back of line bridesmaid comment- I loved every single one of my bridesmaids no matter where they stood. My dear friend who stood in my "back of line" had just had a baby so I put her there in case she needed to sit down or be with her infant. I have been that "back of line" girl but am quite certain there was no malice intended as I am a better friend with some of those ladies today than their MOHs are. So, let's not denigrate that position is all I'm saying.
EyeHeartLife
DeleteOh, and I have 2 sisters - a twin and a younger sister. I can't imagine being estranged from them but I do think even if things were bad between us I would still appreciate a call on this issue. Having the call up front could potentially save you from many tortured calls later.
Based on your original email, I would say don't call. You offer her no explanation.
ReplyDeleteBased on the additional information that you are including all other siblings in the bridal party, you need to invite her.
Agreed. I would have said don't call if you were just having friends as bridesmaids but, as you're having the rest of the siblings in the bridal party you should ask her too. I wouldn't explain why she isn't MOH unless she asks (and I'm assuming the MOH will be a friend rather than one of his sisters?), just call and ask her to be a bridesmaid.
Delete