Dear ESB,
I am in need of the frank, no-minced-words kind of advice that only you can provide.
My boyfriend and I are in that "pre-engaged" (I kind of hate that that's a thing, but it does ring true) state where we both know we are going to get married, but we are waiting. We do have a definite timeframe for when we would like to get married, a couple years from now, because of some other life commitments we'd like to finish first, such as our new jobs in different cities (we're now long-distance) and grad school.
So...on to my (possibly insane) question. I've got a pretty specific idea of what I want in a wedding dress. I've also realized, from the times I've let my inner girly-girl get ahold of me, that the dresses I've been able to find that meet my criteria are Stupid. Expensive. I happened to find a dress the other day that fits what I want, is at a good price point, and is currently on final sale. And only available in my size. (Actually, it's about one size up from my normal size, but that's good.)
I am tempted to buy this dress. Now. Even though I am not engaged and won't be for probably another year or so. I know the wedding is coming, and I'm not superstitious (although I think I might feel a bit lame about jumping the gun on wedding planning....kind of like if I were to try to force a friendship with a girl I admire just so that one day she could be my maid of honor.) The dress is sized appropriately for alterations that may be needed later, and even if I don't like the dress a couple years from now, I'm sure I could sell it. My mom would probably be sad that I already picked something out, but wedding dress shopping (especially with my dear, sweet mother with whom I can never agree on clothing) sounds like it might be awful to me.
My biggest hold up is that I think it just might be lame to start ACTUALLY going forth with wedding plans at this point. Sure, the BF and I talk about who we'd like our attendants to be, what month would be best, and we mentally file away a cool location when we come across one...but I don't even have a ring yet, shouldn't that be the first step?
Do I snag the deal and totally rock the shit out of a dress I love even if it was a little premature, or do I realize that this is crazypants and just wait my turn and hope I can find something perfect and affordable down the road?
– Got "The One," Don't Want to Let the "Other One" Get Away
*****
DON'T DO IT.
You might get bigger. You might get smaller. You might elope!
You might get married on the beach.
You might break up.
You might wait five years during which time the damn dress will go out of style. (There is no such thing as timeless. Trust me.)
p.s. How did you just "happen" to find this dress anyway? STOP SHOPPING FOR WEDDING DRESSES.
I always say this, but just listen to ESB. Planning a wedding is stressful enough. Its fun sometimes, but definitely stressful. You buy a dress now, and you've opened up a whole new world of bridal stress that you do not yet know. And its not a place where you will want to be for several years. Plus, you're pre-fiance may be totally freaked out. Try not to think about your own wedding until that ring is snugly on your finger. Did you tell him you were trying on wedding dresses?
ReplyDeleteNot to mention how weird it will be to have a wedding dress hanging in your closet the next time your boyfriend is in town... "oh, that? NBD, just bought it for our future hypothetical wedding."
ReplyDeleteIf you buy a freaking wedding dress without being engaged, you are a little crazytown.
ReplyDeletedont do it. you will change your mind and wish you hadnt wasted your money. plus its like the one fun thing about wedding planning, getting the dress. save it.
ReplyDelete...exhaaaaale. And that's exactly why I wrote to you.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I didn't try on any dresses. I'm not crazytown enough to actually walk into a bridal boutique without a ring on my finger. Just crazytown enough to wistfully online window shop, and then have my good-deal impulse trigger a "holy shit, maybe I should just buy that" reaction.
Will probably be writing to you about some other crazytown question once I'm actually engaged, but for now I'm going to lay off the Pinterest and wedding blogs (except this one...because you are the sane in the sea of wedding nuts).
I actually did this. My BF and I had *just* had a conversation where we basically agreed we were going to get married, and a proposal would be forthcoming. The next day I was doing a little googling, and realised that I hated the current trend of big white strapless dresses. I saw two dresses I liked - one was $9000. The other was $1000, and happened to be currently on sale for $500, with an extra special storewide 20% off and free shipping for that day only. There was one dress left, and it was my size.
ReplyDeleteI put on my crazytown hat and bought it. I screwed it up in a ball in its special protecty bag thingy, and shoved it under my desk where my BF wouldn't see it.
It's now all official - we're getting married in September, and I have to say I'm SO RELIEVED to not have to try on any wedding dresses. I feel like I've got an enormous head start on wedding planning.
Normally I would say - don't buy the dress! Crazytown!
But for me, crazytown worked out awesome.
i'm curious where you found your dress! i just got engaged and have been doing lots of online shopping. i share all your sentiments about dresses... would love to know where yours came from.
DeleteIt's the J Crew Crepe Mimi T-Shirt dress. Kind of elegant and a little Edwardian but simple and comfy as well!
DeleteThat's the one I was talking about when I wrote the original letter to ESB! Cue Twilight Zone music...
DeleteWhoa. That's weeeeeird! Maybe Anon #1 will share the dress with Anon #2 when she 's done with it. Ha.
DeleteGood thing you added in that you already backed off from the ledge... I'm pre engaged and talked to two venues this week, which was AWKWARD but I just wanted to know HOW MUCH for a non-evening event. We went ring shopping, and want to be able to pay for it all. It helps to know Venue A is 10k, Venue B is 5k while estimating how much we can and want to save for one day. And I still wouldn't order a dress or start a Pinterest board - it feels like bad juju to me.
ReplyDeleteI really don't get the whole "pre-engaged" thing. Isn't an agreement between two people to get married what being engaged is? You can be engaged without ever having an engagement ring, without actively planning a wedding, or without making it public. Perhaps if you have not yet definitely agreed to get married but are talking about it, you are...I don't know...talking about getting married?
ReplyDeleteYeah... I think you are just "in a serious relationship." I don't get the need to call it pre-engaged.
DeleteYeah that term is so lame. Reminds me of other lame things like being a pre-teen or ...premenstrual.
DeletePRE-PUBESCENT.
DeleteI just CAN'T with these pre-engagements, you guys.
ReplyDeleteIn other news, did you find shoes this weekend, ESB? I wanna see.
Secret engagement sounds silly though. The state of being where you know you're serious, but being official with a ring and/or a date doesn't feel right* yet. (*May include un or underemployment, distance, age, family dynamics, fears of thunder-stealing, one or more parties having particularities regarding being officially engaged such as: no one should plan a wedding more than one year out, even if local venues book out two years in advance, or concerns about income, savings and debts.)
DeleteIf you found a dress at a thrift store that could be used as a wedding dress but could also be worn on another occasion then maybe. If it's truly a wedding dress that can only be worn by a bride... then it's kinda like buying a stroller before you're actually pregnant.
ReplyDeleteGeez, the questions to ESB have been really boring lately.
ReplyDeleteCan we pls retire the word "crazytown"? Funny once, and that's about it.
ReplyDeletehear hear
Deleteagreed
Deletethere is no such thing as "pre-engaged." (eye roll)
ReplyDeleteApparently I'm driving the train to "crazytown". I saw a dress I loved 9 years ago, bought it on sale when it went to 75% off final clearance 6 years ago, and met my husband 3 years ago. Long story short, the dress looked great on the day I finally got to wear it. After hanging in my closet for 5 years. My husband loved the dress, our friends were very complimentary, and for me, it was a spectacularly great decision.
ReplyDeletei say buy it. but be prepared to donate it or sell it if you aren't in love with it by the time your real engagement rolls around.
ReplyDeleteif you can go into it knowing it's a gamble and you are ok buying a second dress then go for it.
but don't tell anyone.
That would be the big problem for me. One too many cocktails, and everyone would know I was a nut job. Hell, if you gave me enough alcohol i'dtry that bad boy on for you.
DeleteHA! so true Miss K
ReplyDeleteAnother thing to consider: If you are just online shopping, how do you know this dress will look right on you? I've been engaged for about a year, and I spent months pinning all these flowy, Grecian, chiffon gowns on Pinterest. I'm very anti-strapless and anti-poofy and I was sure that this was what I wanted. I finally went dress shopping and it turns out, on my short, curvy figure, those chiffon dresses just made me look shapeless and fat. I ended up purchasing a beautiful, form-fitting and structured satin gown, which was a more traditional style than I thought I'd go with, but it looks great on me and flatters my figure.
ReplyDelete