Dear ESB,
My best friend from high school is getting married soon in our hometown. I've met her husband-to-be and he is fantastic.
The only problem is that I've never been invited to a wedding before and I can't tell by the invitation if I can bring my boyfriend or not. On the RSVP card there is just a blank line where you write your name and whether or not you can attend.
My boyfriend thinks I could write our first initials and last names on the same line to show that both of us will be attending. I think that since there is clearly no room for a guest's name, I am not welcome to bring a guest. It is also worth noting that the envelope is addressed only to me.
The grown-up thing to do is call her and ask, but we speak once or twice a year max and I'm dreading being in such an awkward position so rich with the possibility of rejection.
Your advice is a last ditch attempt before I actually call and ask. What do you think?
*****
If the envelope doesn't say Ms. Ladypants + GUEST, your boyfriend is not invited.
Tom Ford Spring 2012 via Fashion Gone Rogue
______________________________
Is this a really boring one? Sorry. I've got a couple of hard ones on deck that I've been avoiding like mad.
It might be boring, but it's necessary. SO MANY PEOPLE don't know this! How?!
ReplyDeletewe had a few friends RSVP with a guest's name written-in when they weren't invited to bring a guest... it was really annoying. we chose not to make a big deal about it and allow these extras to join - but we had a casual outdoor party with plenty of room and a few extra mouths to feed weren't going to break our food budget. If we had planned a fancy affair with expensive catering and a ballroom with strict number limits, I would've been pissed at the rudeness and would've had to reject the extra guests (which could get awkward). Since you don't talk very often, there's a good chance she doesn't know your bf exists.... or maybe she's working with strict numbers/budget. Either way, don't do it. He's not invited.
ReplyDeleteHow did you decide who didn't get to bring a guest? I think it's very rude to let some people bring a guest and others cannot. A friend of mine responded to an invitation saying she was bringing a guest (me!) because the return card asked how many people were attending. The bridge texted her to say she wasn't allowed to bring a guest. I think that bride was lucky my friend went at all.
DeleteWe only allowed guests of people who were in serious relationships. Fortunately, all everyone on our guest list was either very serious relationship or totally single. Made it easy for us.
DeleteYup, 99% sure he's not invited. That said, some people are dumb, brides and grooms included. Friends of mine recently sent out invites and didn't specify guests/family specifically. They just put on their webpage:
ReplyDeleteCan I bring my family?
Yes.
Is my significant other invited?
Yes.
Envelopes did not indicate this (although RSVP had room to write in number of attendees).
Agreed. BF got invited to a wedding last year (his name only on the invitation). He flew across country for the wedding and they were like: "we are sad your gf couldn't come!". umm... how were we suppose to know that I was invited?!?
Deleteobviously not invited. It would say '+ guest' or '+1' somewhere on the invite otherwise.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, couples don't forget/overlook this when doing invites. If it's not there, it's for a reason.
He's definitely not invited.
ReplyDeleteI'd call and ask for a clarification even though I'm sure the invite is just for you. It would be a subtle/ not awkward way to ask for an invite for him. I think it's pretty rude to exclude significant others but maybe she didn't known you were in a relationship. I actually had one friend ask to bring a guest (my only single friend) and I said yeah of course. It sucks being the only single at a big event. And I'm not going to torture my friends just because it's MY BIG DAY.
ReplyDeletethis sounds like the opposite of subtle, and pretty awkward to me!
DeleteI think everyone should be forced to read and memorize etiquette books, as this is a clean and simple, NO. Thanks for posting this...it is still shocking that people don't know this rule.
ReplyDeleteI just had 2 people RSVP with dates when dates were not invited. It just isn't that kind of wedding. I prefer only people I know to be at monumental life events, not the date of the month.
Exactly. I'm glad some of my friends currently have significant others, but some of these significant others are the third boyfriend since we sent out save the dates. I didn't include signficant others if they aren't married, engaged, or living together.
Deletethis post is so necessary. one of B's grandparents sent their RSVP 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING and wrote on the back the name of an aunt, uncle and four cousins they were planning on bringing along. I almost died.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm curious, did you call and tell them, "Hey, you can't be bringing your entourage to my wedding"?
DeleteI'd never met them before, and B's not particularly fond of them so we made his sister tell them I'm a big fat bitch and already paid the venue for our headcount (which was true) (the second part anyway) (ok maybe the first part sometimes too)
DeleteYeah, I had my parents blame me for not inviting some of their siblings that live less than an hour away from where I grew up that I had met about 3 times. The general rule was that if neither of us had made any effort to contact these people in the 5 years we had dated they weren't invited to the wedding. I'd rather have people that are invested in my life at my wedding than people with whom I happen to share some DNA. No regrets.
DeleteNo, he's not invited if his name or "and guest" is not on the envelope. It might seem rude or presumptuous if you call and ask. And besides, then you're putting her on the spot and she'll have an awkward time of saying no.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, my fiance was invited alone to wedding AFTER we were engaged. He'd been friends with the groom for a few years but didn't know the bride very well at all. He called to ask if he could bring his fiancee, and they said yes, of course you can. As it turns out, the bride didn't know he had gotten engaged.
a friend was invited to a close friend's wedding after she got engaged and her fiance was left off the invite... the bride knew the friend had gotten engaged... people do crazy things with their invites.
DeleteActually it is improper to write "and guest" on the outer envelope. If there is no inner envelope (where these things are usually clarified) then it totally appropriate to call and ask. The bride will (should) tell you if it is ok or not, it is probably not the rudest question she'll be asked the whole engagement.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.marthastewartweddings.com/228650/addressing-and-mailing-your-wedding-invitations/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser#/138561
Thank you for this, I'm doing invitations right now and am not planning on including an "and guest" on the outer and not using an inner, but we want every single person we've invited to bring a guest if they'd like, we tried to clarify it with the format of our RSVP. I also liked the sample wedding website wording.
DeleteI've been invited to a couple of weddings where it was totally unclear and turned out my bf was invited, I think its best to ask (email instead of call since you don't talk much?) because people don't really follow the rules any more.
The RSVP cards tend to be small, so I don't think the size of that line has anything to do with how many people are included in the invite. As others have said, it's what is on the outer envelope (or inner envelope, if there is one) that dictates.
ReplyDeleteBTW - Anon 7:37... that isn't very nice of you to pass judgment on your friend's relationships, saying that they aren't serious unless they are married, engaged, or living together. Some people choose not to live together but still have perfectly valid relationships and should be invited as a couple to such events.
It's important to draw the line somewhere. We had a rule that if they were single when we made our list, they didn't get a plus one. Luckily, no one was single and didn't know anyone so it wasn't a big deal. Plus we have awesome friends who it wouldn't be a big deal for anyway.
Deleteit is nice that so many ESB readers know proper etiquette. but SO MANY DON'T. even those sending out the invites. if you really want him to come, i do think it is worth asking. to avoid putting her on the spot send an email. and make it VERY clear that you are only asking for clarification, not exception.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best idea yet, especially the clarification vs. exception bit.
DeleteYes, I agree with this, too. That way she can she can say:
Delete1) I am so sorry, but we don't have any additional room at our venue.
2) Yes, you can bring a plus one
3) We will know by X date if we will have extra space, if you can wait until then.
And people who haven't been part of wedding planning often assume they get a plus one. Have mercy on their gentle, naive souls as you let them know the bizness.
When we sent out invitations we specifically made it look so that only the people whose names were on the envelopes were invited because we were trying to avoid random plus ones. HOWEVER, it was not a hard rule, and one of my friends emailed me to ask if she can bring her bf, and we were more than happy to have her bf at our wedding. So, moral of the story is, contact your friend and ask.
ReplyDeleteI disagree. I do NOT think you should ask. As a bride who just sent out invitations to my own wedding, trust me, she didn't "overlook" your +1 option. It's not there, that's for a reason.
ReplyDeleteMy own SISTER recently sent me a text(!) asking if she could bring a date to my humble shindig - and I do mean humble, as in less than twenty people. It's immediate family and besties ONLY. Obv., my sister is aware of this, but wants to bring someone (that I don't know) anyway. Clearly the answer was NO - now she's all butt-hurt, shit's awkward, and needless to say, she should have just KNOWN NOT TO ASK.
When people make their list, they also make calculations. You're not the only one who didn't get a +1, and that decision was deliberated on. TRUST ME.
You have to think of it this way: when everyone gets a +1, the wedding just DOUBLED.
It is NOT a personal thing. She loves you, she wants YOU there. She doesn't know him, and she assumes you are capable of having a fun awesome night with her and without him. Which you are.
when it does get weird for people is when they KNOW people have been given +3s and you're not allowed a +1.
DeleteYes, clearly he's not invited. The envelope would have said "and guest" if they wanted you to bring a plus 1. I was just married in October and my husband's cousin had the nerve to call 1 day prior to our wedding to ask if he could bring his friend! I died! No, he can't bring his friend, the table seating is done and the caterers have the final head count! I hate telling people no but sometimes in those situations you have no choice.
ReplyDeleteI would send her a nice email asking if he can attend as well. You never know, she might be cool with it- especially if it's well in advance, unlike my situation. Good luck!
your bf is not invited. and that sucks! my friend brought her bf to a friend's wedding, didn't even think about the "+1" issue not being on the invite. they booked plane tickets, flew in, and at the reception they had to skip dinner.
ReplyDeletethat said, if you can find a diplomatic way to ask if you can bring your bf, why not ask? if you only see her once or twice a year, you probably won't know many people at the wedding. maybe she just doesn't know you have a bf?? she says no, she says no. if you're friends, you can ask. let's keep things in perspective.
He's probably not invited though if you live together that is an oversight on their part (per etiquette rules). Unfortunately I've found even the brides/grooms don't know the rules these days--I've been to at least two weddings where it turned out the couple assumed everyone was bringing a plus one even though the invitation made no mention of it. So it can be hard to go by the rules if you are not sure everyone is following them. We had several people bring guests (like, friends, not even serious partners) to our wedding, which was fine because it was casual but I was kind of annoyed. Some people didn't even RSVP for the guests...they just showed up!
ReplyDeleteI think it's funny how many people get up in arms about the whole +1 thing. Our rule of thumb: if we cared about someone enough to include them on the invite list, we cared about them enough to explicitly invite them to bring a guest, whether it be a significant other, friend, child(ren), etc. And yes, it was a moderately sized event with a definite budget, but we would never want any of our guests to feel awkward or alone on such a happy day, especially since many were traveling to be wth us. I was actually hoping my best friend from high school would find a guy she wanted to bring!
ReplyDeleteexactly...
Delete^ best.
Deletethis. every time.
DeleteI agree with you.
DeleteIt especially rankles when I hear people creating these complicated metrics for how "valid" the relationship with the plus one has to be before they get an invite.
Yes, yes, YES!
DeleteIf you're going to invite someone you care about to your very special day then you care enough about them to include their own choice of +1. I included a +1 on my invitations and a lot of my single friends have made their own choice to come alone, but I'd be more than happy if they find someone special to bring along. I just need some notice - I think most venues take your final numbers 1-2 months before the Big Day. Come on people.
I'm sending out invitations tomorrow and used this rule for single friends: If they're in a relationship (i.e., I've heard of this other person...they don't have to be living together), they get a +1. If they're not, but will have tons of friends there to party and have fun with, then they don't get a +1. For the couple of random/work people invited who wouldn't know many people, I included a +1. I really hope I don't get any surprise RSVPs!
ReplyDeleteyou will. especially when it comes down to people starting to date people right before the wedding. If things get weird you can always have people come for just the dancing drinking part of things since a lot of older family will likely cut out early.
DeleteThis is exactly what I did, and I hope it works out. A lot of my friends and family are already paired up, so hopefully I won't have many problems. *crossing my fingers*
DeleteLet us all remember that under normal conditions we don't need to get angry that someone deigned to ask if they could bring a date. They are asking a question, and no is one of the two options for an answer. No biggie. I always find it fascinating when people (myself included) make such a big deal about saying no to things. IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO.
ReplyDeletethat's basically my motto. (obv)
DeleteAmen! ESB's response was great, but all of the righteous indignation in the comments is making me want to vom.
DeleteI'm going to concur with most of the other replies here that he probably wasn't specifically invited but it wouldn't be outrageously rude to ask. Particularly with a fairly long engagement, there does tend to be some shift in the guest list and who is in a relationship or not. I tried my best to address invitations to couples correctly, but we really did still end up with a few that had gotten together or broken up between making the guest list and sending the invitation (in one case, there was a different girlfriend between the save the dates and the formal invitation!)
ReplyDeleteHa! We had two of D's uncles write in their current girlfriends on the RSVP card, which was fine, even though we hadn't given them a +1 (they were coming with their families!).
ReplyDeleteBut then when we called to get the ladies' last names (because the seating chart was based on last name) we were told that they DIDN'T KNOW THEIR DATES' LAST NAMES and it was fine to just use their first names instead. Um. Seriously?
Whatever. We figured out a not-too-awkward work around and upped the catering numbers.
And then (probably not that surprising) they didn't even bring their dates to the wedding!
I try not to be a total uptight asshole, but empty seats at weddings make me so sad. At least call the week of and cancel if you aren't going to show and hopefully the couple can update the catering bill.
Um, as for the current dilemma - I would second Jamie's suggestion. Just ask, politely and gently and don't be offended if the answer is no.
I added a +1 to an rsvp for a wedding back when I was a babe of 22 and knew nothing of weddings. I was verbally bitch-slapped by my friend the groom and have always remembered that lesson. I think his exact words were, "This isn't some kind of fucking backstage pass! We're paying for this shit."
ReplyDeleteWhen you say no to people for adding their own +1 (when the envelope was addressed to an individual) you are helping them! They will learn wedding invitation etiquette! When I got married I cringed thinking about how rude and presumptuous that rsvp was. I just didn't know any better at the time.
Our rule was that if we'd met the partner, we invited the partner.
ReplyDeleteNo one got a random +1, because we wanted it small. The only exception was my cousin, who was one of my bridesmaids, who road tripped cross country with a friend who we then let come. We had three friends ask if they could bring their bf/gf, we said no to all three because we hadn't met them or they'd only been together a month or so. Of those three, two were not serious and subsequently broke up, while one resulted in a wedding a couple weeks ago. You have to draw the line somewhere, unless you have unlimited funds or a flexible catering arrangement (potluck etc). We got married in a tiny clearing in the forest, so I was literally worried we wouldn't all fit in the clearing! I wasn't offended when the people asked about their guests, we just said no without anguishing over it too much. Though actually we realised from photos later that one of them actually had his girlfriend that we had denied rock up to the reception for a while... bit rude but oh well.
When we got married we had a no kids wedding (please no anti-kids hate thanks) and just put the adults' names on the envelopes. Some people emailed to clarify just exactly who was invited. It wasn't awkward and we appreciated that they had checked with us first instead of just surprising us the day of. I think asking is fine. I'd just preface your email/phone call whatever with the fact that you totally understand that they want to limit numbers or whatever and that you're just making sure.
ReplyDelete