Dear ESB,
My sister is engaged. While this should be a really happy time for her, it isn’t. All of her closest friends and some of our family have vocally declared that they do not approve of her fiancé. Actually, “do not approve” doesn’t do it justice – they think he’s a world-class asshole and that she has temporarily lost her mind for even considering marrying him.
However, our family has never witnessed anything from him that set off any red flags for me – he seems to love her enough to put up with mountains of bullshit, and she seems happier and more relaxed than I have ever seen her. Yet, her friends have labeled him “rude,” “abrasive” and “controlling,” but they can’t give any solid examples of things he’s done. It has gotten so bad that her life-long best friends have held an intervention to try to convince her not to marry this guy.
I am really confused, because he seems like a nice guy to me. He can be annoyingly obnoxious, but I haven’t sensed any real meanness. But the fact that her friends hate him so much has made the family start to second guess him too – we don’t know him well and hardly ever get to see the two of them together (they live abroad, so actually NONE of the people involved in this whole thing really know him at all, including her friends). But, then again, these girls have been her very best friends for almost 30 years! If they are all raising hell about how terrible this guy is, it has to be for good reason, right?
So what are we (the family) to do? My gut reaction is that she is a grown woman, and she is going to marry who she wants. I think it is CRAZY for family or friends to try to interject themselves into this or to try to change her mind. And I honestly trust her judgment more than I trust her friends’ perception of her relationship. She has never been one to put up with crap before, so I just can’t imagine that she’d still be marrying this guy if he was as bad as her friends say he is.
Am I right? Should we just support her in whatever choice she makes, or does the fact that her very best friends vehemently hate this man and think he is bad for her mean that there has to be a problem?
*****
Call up one of your sister's friends and ask her point-blank: "Is there something you know that I don't know?"
Unless this guy is abusing her, it's your job to be all YAY! and WEDDING! and IF YOU'RE HAPPY I'M HAPPY!
She's gonna marry who she wants to marry. If you express unwarranted disapproval now there's no way she'll confide in you if anything does go wrong.
Photo by Steven Klein for Interview
I agree. Find out if there is actual abuse going on or not. If not, tell everyone to start being happy for this poor girl!!
ReplyDeleteI have been in the position of not looooving the men my friends have chosen as their life-partners. I alllllmost opened my mouth to express my opinion that they were making a mistake, but I realized that the things that were rubbing me the wrong way about these guys were NOT rubbing my friends the wrong way. In fact, they LIKED the particular quirks their men had. So I shut my trap and put a smile on my face and guess what?? Four years later, they are indeed wonderful husbands and fathers and I was dead wrong about all of them.
I think your sister deserves an apology from the friends who bashed her fiance. Give the guy a chance.
i agree and want to add that if her friends continue to act this way they won't remain friends. i no longer speak to a girl i had been friends with for 20 years and lived with when i met my husband. she disapproved of him for stupid reasons (he was too short, didn't like his voice?) and caused a LOT of un-needed drama so i ended the friend ship a year later i saw her at a mutual friends wedding and she asked if i realized how big a mistake i'd made. some people just can't be happy for others and have to bring everyone down.
ReplyDelete"some people just can't be happy for others and have to bring everyone down." - Yep. My first reaction was that I've seen this same thing happen before and it's usually one catty bia rallying the other chickens together in protest.
DeleteYou said he tolerates mountains of bullshit. Maybe they just happen to be two people who work really well together, even if no one else understands it.
smart. very smart
ReplyDeletethis is the best advice you've ever given.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
DeleteSpot on.
ReplyDeleteNot liking someone is not an adequate reason to object to a marriage. As long as the bride likes him and there's no evidence of abuse or coercion, the friends need to STFU.
Excellent advice. Compassionate yet realistic. Good on you, ESB!
ReplyDeleteYup, I've been here. My best friend was and is dating a complete a-hole. I wanted to protest for the longest time (hell, I even wrote in to ESB for advice). I'm not unhappy for her, I just couldn't understand how she could be with someone who was so rude that he made me cry every time we hung out (afterwards. I'm not some crazy drama queen who cries in public because someone is mean to me).
ReplyDeleteThat said, there is nothing I can do about it but be supportive to my friend. Especially because he's so manipulative and controlling, it's extra important that I show her a steady, respectful friendship so that if she ever has doubts about this relationship, there is no fear that I'll be the friend who said "I told you so."
I do think it's a little unfair to assume that her friends just can't be happy for her. My friend is completely blind to the fact that her boyfriend is an asshole. He treats her like a princess, but he also has made it so that her life revolves around him. She quit her job, her education, has no hobbies anymore and only really ever hangs out with his friends. That's not a relationship, and while it's not abusive, it's cause for concern. And a lot of the time it's not acknowledged that when your loved one is dating someone like this, you're losing a relationship that you've cared about and nurtured for many years and it's often happening without your consent.
Alas, when they are deep in it, there's seldom anything you can do except continue to support her. You can't change her actions, but you can change the way you react to the situation. That's a hard lesson I've had to learn in time.
Um, sorry. I kind of unloaded there.
DeleteYO. you are her SISTER. no one on this planet loves her like you do, and no one ever will. there's nothing wrong with you sitting her down and saying, "what's going on with all of this ? why are your friends SO WORRIED ? i love you and i truly want what's best for you." (not even her best friends can make such a claim)
ReplyDeletei have had a similar conversation with my own sister, and it didn't destroy our relationship. in fact, i think it brought us closer. i love her so much, and all i want is her happiness. i'm sure you feel the same.
Yeah, if all my friends were pitching a fit like this, I'd feel pretty damn isolated, and really value someone reaching out.
DeleteAGREED! If I felt like my sister had no allies in her looming marriage/wedding I'd be definitely there to listen and support her and hear her side of the story.
DeleteI GUARANTEE you that there was a defining event that all of her closest friends were privy to (but not you) that has now painted him a pariah. This whole thing seems contrived around a single occurence. I'm willing to bet money on it. Do as ES says.
ReplyDeleteThe living abroad thing made me think of my former guy, when I was living abroad. It didn't last more than a year or so but he was a good guy. My family back home never got the chance to meet him, because of the living abroad thing, yet they had the nerve to tell me that he obviously wasn't good for me, and that I seemed very unhappy. It really upset me, and still does, because it wasn't true. I was very happy with him.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the specific situation is here, but maybe they're feeling left out and this is the only way they know to deal with that emotion. That's the only reason I have for my family acting the way they did.
This was really insightful advice.
ReplyDeleteUpdate? What ended up happening?
ReplyDelete