Dear ESB,
Where do I begin....I've been with my guy for 6 years now. Love him. We are a great team. His family on the other hand is getting more and more drama filled. I am an only child, so when it came time to pick people to stand up for my at our wedding I decided on 3 girls accordingly…him on the other hand has a step-sibling, half-sibling and full sibling. We took a month to think about our "wedding day" and who we envisioned standing up there with us before we asked everyone. He wanted his 3 friends...no brothers. He isn't close with his brothers, he is much closer with the guys he asked to stand up for him. I am down for that, whatever makes him happy is cool with me.
Here is the kicker...we are 3 months away to the big day and his brothers are pissed. I don't understand why: a) they didn't say something way sooner and b) they assuming that because they all share the same last name they are entitled to be in the wedding? My man received a text from one of his brothers saying that I am controlling, and that he has zero say in the wedding (which could not be farther from the truth...I am pretty laid back with this whole wedding thing.)
Instead of blowing up and ripping his brother a new one for that snide remark, I went for a run. I figured the brothers can work it out. It's hard enough on me that his step-mom isn't my biggest fan (for reasons unknown to me?!) She spreads all these nasty rumors about me, and then acts so dumb when I find out (hello...people talk...a lot...I will find out.)
It's going to be awkward enough at our wedding because we have the mother of the groom, the father of the groom and the step mother of the groom (who from what we hear stole the father of the groom from the mother of the groom 22 years ago...it's messy as fuck.) Then we have my side of the family that is like My Big Fat Greek Wedding..but we are German. I hate the fact that I am going to look across the room and see two brothers who will be pissed at me, and potentially a step-mother-in law who doesn't like me either.
Here is my question, was it wrong for us to not ask the brothers to be part of the wedding? Or are they acting entitled because of their last name? I mean, it's not like we have a golden ticket to the promise land and they can't come.
Cheers,
Only-Child Bride
*****
Fuck that shit.*
Don't negotiate with guilt-trippers.
Wouldn't you rather see two pissed/pissy brothers across the room than STANDING UP THERE, NEXT TO YOUR HUSBAND?
Love,
Only-Child Blogger
Anouck Lepere by Steven Pan for Interview Russia March 2012 via Fashion Gone Rogue
______________________________
*I could set up an auto-reply for every single Dear ESB that just read: "Fuck that shit." But it wouldn't be as much fun, would it?
There is no law that family members have to be in the wedding party, especially if it's a small party and they aren't close. I think your dude needs to stick up for you though and say he picked the men that he wanted to stand beside him and you supported him through it.
ReplyDeleteif they were in the wedding, you know they'd bitch about what you were making them wear.
ReplyDeletedon't sweat it.
I would continue to support your partner and what he wants. Back him up in private when his brothers try to guilt him. And encourage him to stand up for himself. But don't say anything to the brothers yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs for the step mom — kill her with kindness. That way when she spreads rumors about you and is otherwise not nice, she will look like the ass she is.
Not easy things to deal with though. So keep running, through back some booze when necessary, and keep sight of how much you love your man.
I would personally go the route of least interaction as possible. When someone doesn't like you, the interpret ALL actions are negative, even when you are going out of your way to be kind. Also best not to email people who don't like you if at all possible-- they will read the email out loud in a mean sounding voice. ;-p You just can't win sometimes.
DeleteAs for the question of why they're upset all of a sudden, my guess is that someone (stepmother? one of the brothers?) got them all riled up about it. You know how when a group of people starts shit-talking someone and working up a bunch of self-righteous indignation, you can kind of get swept up in the bitchiness, even if you don't really care? Because really, who wants to be in a bridal party for someone they're not close to?
ReplyDeleteWhy would the Mom still be upset about something that happened 22 years ago? Time to move on.
ReplyDeleteWhen my mum was just a girl, her mother's husband was "stolen". At my mother's wedding, my uncle spent the entire eveing trying to get a picture of his parents in the same room. He climbed on a couch in the far corner of the room and still couldn't get it. 26 years later, after my uncle's death, my grandparents are finally able to be civil with eachother. Never underestimate that shit.
DeleteAgreed... I think it's one of the deepest type of betrayals... but I think it is ok even in this situation, to expect to suck it up and be civil, or at least non confrontational, for the sake of your kids on a few times throughout their lives (their weddings being one of those days).
DeleteI dunno. I think husband-stealing is one of those things you're allowed to hold a grudge on.
ReplyDeleteUh, yeah, husband stealing is one of those things people die being pissed about, and I think have every right to. That said, it isn't Only-Child Bride's problem, nor something that she can fix. I do understand how much having your wedding be the reason they're in the same room sucks, though, since mine is the same.
DeleteHis family sounds so selfish and miserable. Since when did your wedding revolve around their happiness? They should be loving and supportive of you both. If they can't be gracious and happy for you guys -- and whatever you want to do with your wedding -- FUCK THEM.
ReplyDeleteI think the key with all wedding decisions is to have the courage of your own convictions. Not to the detriment of the feelings of the people you love and care about, but sufficient belief in your own decisions to allow you to stand up on your wedding day and feel like you did the best you possibly could and that you did it the way you wanted to. If you can do that then you'll be happy and the people that love you, who you've invited to celebrate with you will be happy too (the haters on the other hand will carry on hating, but you can't control that).
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I had some family shit (on my side of the family) that could have ruined our day but for once in my life I decided that I wasn't going to let that shit spoil things for me. And it was certainly one of the best 'wedding-decisions' that I made.
Don't negotiate with guilt-trippers is the best advice ever. Seriously. My family is full of guilt-trippers, and as soon as I decided not to let their bullshit have any power over me any more, my life vastly improved! You have a lifetime of dealing with these people ahead of of you. Set the tone now by not giving in to their guilt trip.
ReplyDeleteThey are acting entitled because they are DICKS. Don't worry about them. It is your FH's job to tell them to get over themselves.
ReplyDeleteOh shit, I think I'm making a "don't negotiate with guilt trippers" t-shirt to wear during my pre wedding week when all the chaos hits town. Once again, thank you esb!
ReplyDeleteBefore my wedding it didn't realize that so many people would have opinions about what we should do, how we should do it etc. I agree that the best thing you can do is to plan a wedding exactly the way you like it to be and all the guilt trippers can hate as much as they want. Haters gonna hate...
ReplyDeleteHere is a story from my wedding just to show you that you are in your right to plan your wedding the way you like it to be - not the way everybody else would like: My aunt was very pissed that her kids - my cousins - weren't invited to our wedding. We wanted a party with our friends and close family and no kids, so we decided not to invite any cousins. I called my aunt two days before our wedding, because I had to tell her, that she was sitting next to my dad, and that I had talked to him and said to him that I didn't want him to drink any alcohol at my wedding (he is a former alcoholic and had recently started drinking again). So I just wanted to make sure, that she didn't start pouring wine in his glass. She used my call to babble about how sad she was that her kids weren't invited because it would be such a great family experience for them and blah blah blah. At our wedding day she even bitched to another aunt of mine about it and she and her husband left literally two minutes before we were dancing the first dance. Luckily our friends made it the best day ever and I haven't done anything to try to talk to my aunt bout it after our wedding because I totally agree with ESB.
Have a great wedding:-)
xox, the Scandinavian
Also an only child - that shit stresses me out! And yeah, family (or in this case half / step family) doesn't necessarily mean in the wedding.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with ESB - rather have them across the room than right next to you!
Pffft - I have 3 sisters I am very, very close to and not even they made it to BM territory at our wedding. Leave them to dig themselves into a hole with their shitty entitled attitudes.
ReplyDeleteI agree with ESB that fuck that shit. However, as the bearer of a cray cray family with a whole Winnebago of baggage, I would encourage you to gently steer him in the direction of not giving a fuck, but ultimately please let the decision be his and support him regardless. I guarantee you he's already between a rock and a hard place (which is agonizing) and is just trying to balance his wishes with his familial obligations. Trust that he'll take the path of least resistance, and if that means standing up there with his shitty family, indulge in as much side eye at the altar as you'd like. That being said, you'll be so very On The Wings Of Love during the ceremony, in all likelyhood you won't even notice them. Seriously. Ahfuck that shit.
ReplyDeletedear esb, that picture you chose is amazing.
ReplyDeleteHave the big babies be ushers.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to give these guys some role (ushers?) and think there is a chance that you/your man was wrong in not asking them to be groomsmen. Were the brothers ever close? How close are they in age? When did they become less close (if they used to be close)? I know that I talk to friends daily/weekly and my sisters monthly at best but that doesn't mean those friends are closer to me in terms of my whole life than my sisters. This is one of the most momentous days in your whole life and the people who are beside you should be the people who have meant the most to you now, in the past, and in the future. Whenever I move to a new city I grow apart from many friends but family is still there.
ReplyDeleteI also have to say that my sister got married a couple of years ago and didn't ask me/other sister to be bridesmaids and I will never forgive her. NEVER. Granted we had been very close in the past (four years earlier she was engaged to someone else and I was asked to be maid of honor), so this might be a completely different situation than your man and his brothers. That said every family occasion since her wedding has reflected this choice of hers and the results are horrible. Everything is tense, people are usually fighting, and someone ends up in tears. Maybe I'm just a "hater" and a "guilt-tripper" but I think you need to encourage your fiance to think about what sort of relationship he has with your brothers now AND what sort of relationship he wants with them in the future.
This is going to sound harsh, but you need to get over this & move on. For your sister & for yourself. It's just a wedding and one day should not color your entire relationship with your sister. Either that, or distance yourself.
DeletePeople who act like babies don't deserve to be pandered to. HOWEVER. If the situation were a bit different, and you wanted to honor them in some capacity as well as keep the peace, at our wedding we had our family process (this also helps with divorced/remarried parents, as a sibling can escort one or more of them) and listed the processional in the program, and then had our wedding party make their way to the seats in the front before the ceremony started, and then stand up for us during our vows and commitment. This way we got to honor so many of the people who were important to us without having a ridiculously huge wedding party or insulting anyone. But again, we're on great terms with all of the folks who were involved, which is sounds like may not be the case here.
ReplyDeleteAnd the wedding party was of course in the program, too. Forgot to mention that.
ReplyDeleteGawd, it's stories like this that totally freak me out about weddings... can you every make everyone happy?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I do say stick with your wedding party (why they want the extra expense & added annoyance of being part of a wedding party is beyond me to begin with), but since things are tense with these people already & you are going to have to deal with them in the long run.... can you make them feel special in some other way & try to smooth things over? Maybe explain that you guys chose to just do friends since you wanted your family to be able to to enjoy the wedding with the rest of the family & offer to let them do speeches or something?
I would expect to be an important part of my brother's wedding...then...I do not understand some of the family relationships across USA, so I guess I am not in the best of contexts to help you.
ReplyDeleteI come from a culture (mediterranean) were family is very important and a wedding is not ONLY a thing of two people, but of one love story for two families becoming one.
If you already do not have a good family relationship, nor interested in working on it, why do you get married with family around?...isn't it contradictory?
If they were friends that you no longer get along with, they would be out...why is the last name important enough for you to invite them to the wedding at all? but not good enough for them to be part of the close wedding circle?
I can not imagine a situation where my brother was not an important part of my life...unless..he was out of my life for a very good good reason (in or out!)