Dear ESB,
I'm a bridesmaid again, this is my 7th tour of duty in chiffon. Normally I'm used to some drama and madness but this time it's unusual to me because the root of the problem isn't the bride, it's a fellow bridesmaid.
The center of the problem is how to go about planning a bachelorette party. There are seven bridesmaids all together. The MOH (the bride's teenage daughter) and another maid are underage. Leaving five ladies who are of legal drinking age.
The first bridesmaid took the lead and began organizing a pub-crawl. It is an organized event, all of the logistics are taken care of and for one flat fee each person attending can drink all they want for the evening. Seemed like an easy solution, but then it got messy. I am unemployed and strapped for cash, I actually asked to not be a bridesmaid for this reason...but the bride insisted and promised me that this would not be a costly wedding. Which it hasn't been, thank God! The additional cost of a pub crawl is just too much for me and I really do not want to go on a drinking binge when I have to squeeze into a dress in a few weeks.
I didn't realize that the other girls felt the same way. None of us want to buy pub crawl tickets, but we are willing to tag along and run around the city with the bride, maybe having a few drinks here and there. On a personal note, I'm in a serious relationship and I don't want to bar-hop anymore. So are the other remaining ladies. Two are engaged, one is married. One of the other bridesmaids spoke up to the bride about their objections to the pub crawl and now the super-sweet gentle bride feels bad about imposing upon so many people. She wants to cancel the crawl, and all she really wanted was for her friends to be together.
A change in plans would not be so difficult to do, but the original planner bridesmaid just Will. Not. Let. It. Go. She has been contacting each of us individually and insisting we buy our tickets as soon as possible. She sent out a text message to everyone involved ordering us to stop talking to the bride about the party. Which made everyone involved really mad.
The best part is that the organizer bridesmaid will not be attending! She injured her foot recently and can't keep up with us. She's staying home. So she's insisting that we all go on a pub crawl she won't be attending herself. I took the time to contact the other ladies and discovered that independently, we had all suggested a Girls Night In at a house so that we could all be together and it was shot down each time....because (according to her) a house party with 6 ladies would be boring compared to a bar full of people.
I feel bad for the bride. Not only is her bachelorette filled with tension and drama, we all have to be in a room together this weekend for her bridal shower. I would like to take the lead and plan the house party that was mentioned as Plan B. I know the food and drinks can be fabulous and even though it's not a rowdy bar, drunk chicks on a sofa can still be memorable. Can you suggest a way to smooth this over with everyone so we can be drunk together without a catfight breaking out?
Diplomatic Bridesmaid
*****
You know what would SUPER BUM ME OUT if I were the bride? Going on a pub crawl bachelorette party while my bridesmaids "tag along" and "maybe have a few drinks here and there."
Fucking man up and tell Ms. Bossypants: "None of us want to go on a pub crawl. I'm throwing a party at my house instead."
SHE WON'T CLAW YOUR EYES OUT. I PROMISE. She might even gain a little respect for you.
Why do grown women have so much trouble standing up for themselves??
Vintage YSL via Amanda Halbrook via Mrs. Lilien
i'm with esb on the tag-along bum out fest.
ReplyDelete& do i have this right? because a person is in a serious relationship, engaged or married they can't bar hop/celebrate at a bach party? it's not like you're going to a singles mixer or speed dating sesh. why do you hate fun?
I don't think it's a can't bar hop... it's a been there done that thing.
DeleteREAL TALK: neither of these bachelorette parties sound fun. a pub crawl sounds exhausting and expensive and boring; sitting on the couch all night sounds underwhelming and so everyday (unless this is a Waiting to Exhale commiserating party). who i feel sorry for here is not this bitching bridesmaid and not miss broken-leg bossy pants. i feel sorry for the bride-to-be. i'm sure when she said she just wanted everyone to be together, she didn't mean, "fuck fun, let's all sit on the couch, it's cheap and easy." bitching bridesmaid, if you read this, i hope you at least take your friend out for dinner or a glass of wine.
ReplyDeleteactually, I think Girls Night In can be wonderfully fun, provided you have enough booze & things planned.
ReplyDeleteOrganize the other ladies to bring a few food/drink items each, decorate the hell out of someone's apt and turn on the tunes. Play apples to apples or do DIY Kareoke or Twister or something else that you need to be drunk as all hell for.
Main thing is: don't let the bride plan any of it, make it special and CELEBRATE!
It doesn't have to cost a million bucks to be fun, but you do have to actually think about what is FUN.
why not scrap the pub crawl, since it sounds like no one wants to do it anyway, and then compromise. Do a fun dinner at someone's house (maybe something where people can get hands on - make your own sushi) and then go to the bride's favourite bar for a few drinks?
ReplyDeletethis sounds totally sad for the bride. it's not clear from the original email whether the bride herself actually wanted to do the pub crawl, it's only clear that she feels badly that none of her girls wants to do it. yes, now she wants to cancel the crawl, but that could be just because she knows no one wants to do it. sad.
ReplyDeletethat said, there's no taking that back at this point, so i agree with esb's advice -- throw a fabulous party at someone's home and plan some fun / ridiculous activities. it will turn out fabulous as long as everyone's psyched for it and focuses on making it fun for the bride.
for the record, i also don't see how being in a relationship precludes going out with your friends for drinks. maybe not everyone is comfortable coming home to their husbands at 4:30am after "dinner" with the ladies (ahem, not that i've ever done that), but surely there is a middle ground.
There's also the sad part that the bride feels like she's imposing on everyone... which a bride should never be made to feel like.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way about a friend's bachelorette... it was a good time, I didn't drink my face off, it was fun, but it wasn't amazeballs blow my brains out fun, mostly because I was helping run/organize the damn thing which took a lot of work... it's not what I'd want to do, but I sucked it up for the night and the bride absolutely loved it.
Also, I think that's the tiring part of the whole bridesmaid thing... there's a lot of planning and doing things for someone else that you wouldn't necessarily want to do, wear, pay for/spend $ on normally and after 8-15 months of being told that it's all because "the bride wants it" lots of nerves become exhausted and frayed.
I don't get what being engaged or married has to do with not going on pub crawls. Just get drunk and forget about it! You can drop the booze weight in like 4 days. Stop making excuses for your boring personality.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
DeleteI agree that a night in can be fun but only with BEST girlfriends. I would poke my eyes out if I had to just hang around someone's house with a bunch of chicks who I'm not that close to. There's a reason I'm friends with the people I'm friends with. At a bar or a dinner out, it's not as big of a deal.
ReplyDelete"Why do grown women have so much trouble standing up for themselves?" Good question. My husband has asked me the same question on so many occasions, and I honestly don't know why. I guess I just hate confrontation.
ReplyDeleteAs far as this question goes...I hate bars, so a night in sounds a lot more fun to me (although it looks like I'm in the minority). A dinner out could be a good compromise.
I think it's cuz no one wants to be labelled "queen bitch"
DeleteSounds like the best compromise is going out to dinner somewhere not crazy expensive, but nice. That way it's more special than sitting at home, but not all "Woo hoo! Pub Crawl! Shots!" Plus, at a dinner, the not-of-age bridesmaids and foot-injured bridesmaid could attend, too.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone else suspect that the Bossy BM is getting kick-backs from the pubs?
ReplyDeleteToo funny... and probably not far from the truth... I remember one bachelorette where the bm used to be a server at the bar we all had to go to... apparently we got "deals and perks" because she knew all the staff, maybe we did. She spent her time off flirting and cozying up with the patrons and not hanging out with her future SIL. On my way out the door there she was posing for pictures with various other guests ala Paris Hilton. *rolls eyes*
DeleteSounds like the bride needs to grab her balls and tell bossy bridesmaid what she wants.
ReplyDeleteCut and paste this into an e-mail:
ReplyDelete"Dear Bumfoot,
FUCK. OFF.
Warmest regards,
Diplo BM"
You're welcome.
Poor bride! I can't believe the bridesmaids told the bride they didn't want to go to what was planned for her hen night.
ReplyDeletea) what would the bride like to do? Anyone asked her?
b) Whatever you end up doing, do it with good grace. The point is for the bride to have a good time, and she will if she thinks her friends are having a great time.
c) maybe the chief bridesmaid is being bossy, or maybe she's just trying to be organised and make sure that people aren't flaky and drop out at the last minute, despite the fact that she can't make it. Actually, I bet she's gutted she can't come on the night (presumably she likes bar crawls or she wouldn't have organised one).
The point isn't what you do, it's that you are all together and making the effort to celebrate with your close friend. If you don't care enough about the bride to be nice to her friends, don't go on the hen. In fact don't be her bridesmaid.
The reality is that it's impossible to choose something that everyone will enjoy. You just have to make the best of it so the bride enjoys herself.
sadly I am experiencing this same situation only I am the matron of honor and planned an awesome night out on the town. however, two other bridesmaids (that happened to be cousins of the bride) decided that we had to spend the night in a hotel and that it had to be an all day event. thus making it close to impossible for all the girls to make it. They threw a huge fit, went to the bride, complained and now we are doing as the cousins want just to keep the peace. I was never more mad in my life.
ReplyDelete