Dear ESB,
My boyfriend and I got engaged last week, and it occurred to us that, despite our six years of dating, our parents have never really met each other. My dad met his mom once when they were both at a performance of mine, but that's been it. I know it's *technically* the groom's parents' "job" to contact the bride's, but our family situations are complicated (though not unusual) and I don't know what to do.
My kinda shy, socially awkward parents have been divorced for over 20 years and are pretty chill with each other now. My dad's been remarried over 15 years to a lively, dynamic lady who really doesn't like my mom all that much. His also kinda shy, socially awkward parents divorced last year and aren't really on speaking terms, other than when they have to discuss legal things (for themselves, and for my guy's hooligan little brother who got himself arrested this past weekend).
I know they should get to know each other, I know they WANT to get to know each other (my dad has uneasily mentioned "getting to know the in-laws"), but I'm at a loss for how to make that happen. I don't want to put the burden on his already over-stressed parents to figure it out, and I don't want to force a circus of various coffee dates or dinner parties where we all sit around staring at our laps after "I'm retired and do IT for our church" ceases to be an interesting topic.
Help?
Inherited Social Awkwardness in Chi City.
*****
In 2012, all the rules about whose job it is to contact who and who is supposed to pay for what are OUT THE WINDOW.
Throw yourselves an engagement party!
A room full of friends holding cocktails will take the pressure off your poor socially awkward parents.
Photo by Ross Feighery via Flavorwire via Charles Hall
YES. Perfect advice. Better to get any potential awkwardness (whether between your respective parents or between his mum/dad, your mum/stepmum) out into the open in a fun, low-key environment like an engagement party than at the wedding.
ReplyDeleteEngagement party, right on. Though you drew the shy end of the stick, which'll make it harder- it sounds like your folks all are in the same general area which is a leg up on those of us couples who come from opposite sides of the country!
ReplyDeleteYES YES, and with LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE to cushion the divorced people from talking to one another if they don't want to. Your parents will probably also be delighted to meet the friends you're always talking about, right?
ReplyDeletePS and invite some of the parents' friends, too.
ReplyDeleteI think the only real catch here is the groom's parents not getting along great. If it was just for the social-awkwardness I'd say, "whatever, fight through it. Have them all over for dinner." But b/c of the groom's parents situation, I do think a party is best. Then all the of the parents can interact separately.
ReplyDeleteMy parents and my husband's mother have never met (as she didn't come to our wedding) and they only met his dad there, briefly. They don't live anywhere near each other and will never be a part of each others' lives (even when we have kids). But it sounds like your's WANT to know each other and maybe live near each other, so it makes sense that they'll interact a lot over the years.
brilliant advice. an engagement party is the perfect excuse and setting for some causal interaction without all the pressure of having to solely entertain the 'rents.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best reason for an engagement party that I've ever seen!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely an engagement party. Get good friends, family friends, all the parents, and amazingly good foods and drinks and it'll be better. A big party=the parents aren't the focus, so it won't be completely awkward.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree. Our divorced and remarried parents (and in the case of my mom, divorced and remarried again), posed an awkward and uncomfortable situation. I knew we had to resolve any tension before the actual wedding day, so we had a casual engagement party at our house and then a casual dinner at our house the night before the wedding. It must have been love in the air or something, but everyone got a long really well and seemed to just get over their issues for our sake. In fact, everyone is still on very good terms months later. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't want all the divorced parties to have to be in the same room together, you could invite his mom and your mom out together to do dress shopping or something, your dad and his dad out to do cake testing, or whatever else may apply. That way the focus is more on, "oh, pretty dress" than on social banter. Then you can judge the vibe to see if post-wedding-planning coffee is a good idea.
ReplyDeletesorry, what? I can't stop staring at that photo
ReplyDeleteI get major anxiety at the thought of planning an engagement party AND a wedding. I like Julie's idea (above)... good luck! xo.
ReplyDeleteEngagement party FTW! Either that or you have to have them over for a series of four (tiny) dinner parties so that everyone meets and chats with each other.
ReplyDeleteReading through this (my own situation, more or less exactly) before I got to ESB's advice, I had the exact same thought--engagement party! We're having a cocktail-style party with lots of friends and family, to make it less heavy than "this is when the six of us sit here and have you meet."
ReplyDeleteMeh, our parents (mine are divorced and both remarried)his really religious, met at our wedding, s'all good. *s*
ReplyDelete