i need some help, and also perhaps need to grow a set.
our wedding is in Sept this year. it's a casual family thing so understandably the only baby/person under the age of 25 (my hubby-to-be's niece) in the whole of both mine and my finance's family is coming. however i had just assumed that since we were hiring a whole house for the wedding they would just bring a playpen thingy and put the baby (as she is a baby, she will be 12mths at the wedding) inside the house for 15 minutes while we tie the knot. i don't have a baby so i know all the mothers that read this will be up in arms, furious that i would suggest such a thing, but maybe they could imagine it was their wedding. After the ceremony i'm happy for them to parade her and everyone can coo about how cute she is and all that shit.
Since we started planning the wedding the mum has made multiple comments regarding the baby being a flower girl. two issues - I'm not having bridesmaids so noone to help her down the aisle etc, and.... SHE'S 12 MONTHS OLD (can they even walk??). So i'm working up the courage to say no, its going to be a shit fight as is because she's my finances' parents think she is the best thing ever and are slightly deranged when it comes to her (understandably proud grandparents etc), how do i ask the parents to put the baby in a baby cage for 15 minutes so she doesn't cry through our ceremony without sounding like a complete raging twat.
or.... am i being a twat????
*****
you're being twat-ish.
you can't ask them to leave the baby in a cage. SHE IS NOT A CHIHUAHUA. but you can (and should) ask one of the parents to stand in the back holding the baby, prepared to whisk her away if she starts making a nuisance of herself.
NO FREAKING WAY ON FREAKING EARTH does a 12-month-old get to be a flower girl.
Naomi Preizler by Jeff Hahn for SCMP Style Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue via Jessica Goldfond
I had a very similar situation. In this case, children were not invited at all but that didn't stop my sister-in-law from refusing to get a babysitter and insisting on bringing a 6 month old to the ceremony. After several very tense discussions (one in which I actually cried off my expensive spray tan just 48 hours before the wedding), we finally were able to convince the proud parents to allow a babysitter to hold the child in a separate room during the ceremony only. Of course the parents refused to pay for this service, so someone else covered the tab. agh. In the end, I suppose everyone was happy.
ReplyDeleteYou cried off a spray tan? Those are some impressive tear ducts
DeleteESB's advice is dead on.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the wedding is a "casual family thing," so I can't think how you'd ever expect the parents NOT to bring the baby to the ceremony.
I'm glad somebody else picked up on that. I hear the words: casual and family in the same sentence, and I breathe a sigh of relief that my child is welcome.
DeleteI also agree that the advice is dead-on, but seriously doubt that you would have have say that to any parent. I mean, we're pretty used to positioning ourselves for quick escapes, and what not.
That being said, the mum wants her 12 month old to be a flower girl, so maybe they live on a different parenting planet to me.
agreed. We were not keen on small babies at our wedding (smallish and casual) but when friends were determined to bring their baby (6 mths old) we let them and were okay with it, on the condition that as soon as she started making noise, she would be taken away within seconds. Sure enough, 2 sentences into our vows she started crying but her dad took her outside and it was fine.
ReplyDeleteWhy would a mom get pissed at this advice? You get to pick your own damn flower girl, duh. No you can't cage a baby, duh. Any parent worth his or her wait will know how to keep a baby calm for a 15 minute ceremony, or to have the sense to quietly slip out if that doesn't work out. which is the long way to say yeah esb is right.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is the long way to say I completely agree with Jamie and esb.
Deleteyour typical, sensible mom will be standing in the back holding the baby already, prepped to dart away if she starts yelling. unless this mom is completely insensitive.
ReplyDeletewherever i go, i'm keenly aware of exits and make sure i'm seated in a way that makes them accessible in case my kid flips the eff out.
YES. Exactly. I get so sick of these people who seem to think that parents are blissfully unaware of the potential for tantrums. Dudes! We've got this.
DeleteI've seen and know my fair share of parents who are in fact bissfully unaware that their childrens' tantrums could be annoying for other people. Common sense isn't all that common.
DeleteESB is spot on.
ReplyDeleteAlso, unless this child is super-precocious and hitting her developmental milestones in record time, no way can she be a flower girl (unless someone's going to carry her down the aisle in a flower-filled cage...hmmm, could work).
you're being a twat, but not for suggesting that the baby be out of sight. rather, for implying that all parents are fucking out-of-touch-baby-obsessed morons. our daughter is the age of your niece, and i gotta say, if were in your sister-in-law's shoes, i would be completely receptive to your requests ... provided you didn't sound like an asshole whilest making them.
ReplyDeletethat said, there is no way in hell that kid could be a flower girl at 12 months. she'd be squealing, eating the flowers, and would what ? crawl down the aisle ? tell your sis-in-law that the bridal party is adults only, period.
best wishes, and try not to get tunnel visioned on this one issue ... if you keep a good attitude, but stand your ground regarding the whole flower girl thing, it will work itself out.
I think you'd be surprised at how well-mannered 12 month-olds can be. Maybe it's just me, and I get that the worst thing that can happen is baby goes off. And of course, there are dragon-loud babies. And maybe I'm lucky, bc my 12-month old daughter is pretty quiet and easily entertains herself, except when she's tired (which then, theoretically, she wouldn't be at the ceremony then -- she'd be napping). Even when she's hungry, she just pops her thumb in her mouth to let us know. I know, rose-colored glasses on my end as a mom -- but i'm just trying to stick up for those 1-year-olds who can't talk/walk yet ;) And yes, some 1-year-olds can walk. But for sure, it's a little bizarre that your sister-in-law (or whoever mum is) keeps saying her daughter should be your flower girl when you have no other attendants -- annoying that she keeps dropping hints, but I can't say I have never been like, "Hey, how about my daughter be your flower girl!" to my friends, and then we laugh it off :D Bc it is a little ludicrous, unless you looooove the baby, which clearly you don't. (Not judging -- I was not a baby person either until I had one :D) Good luck -- I've had plenty of friends who had to make other arrangements also for babies who "attended" their wedding; most parents understand, but yikes, sounds like you'll have a battle on your hands, so I'm sending good vibes your way (and to all parties involved).
ReplyDeleteAgree with 17 beats. I think most (sane) parents feel somewhat awkward being the one with the crying infant, and so one of them takes it for the team and stands at the back. Plus, I speak from experience. If a little whimpering does happen, it will not "ruin your big day." If it does, you have your priorities out of whack.
ReplyDeletethis is harsh, sarah and 17beats; you bet your ass i'd have been bothered if a baby whimpered smack in the middle of my vows (the most solemn and ceremonial moments of my life), and my priorities aren't "out of whack." the questioner already said she was cool with ceding the stage to the baby for the rest of the wedding, and she didn't call the parents "fucking out-of-touch baby-obsessed morons." some 12-month-olds could make it through a ceremony, and some parents would have the sense to whisk said babies away if they couldn't; some babies can't, is the thing, and some parents don't have those manners. overreaction from folks with children is part of what keeps childless types from knowing how to handle situations like these. let's ALL chill.
DeleteAgreed. Not all parents do have the good sense to take their screaming baby out of the room. At my grandmother's funeral, my cousin's child had a hissy fit for about five minutes (during my uncle's eulogy, no less) before anyone decided to take her out of the room. At my wedding, I asked my favorite aunt to intervene if the child decided to have a meltdown and her parents refused to leave.
DeleteSarah and 17 beats are right. And I am not a parent. I am a nanny, but with no kids of my very own I can still admit that I am inviting a couple of babies to my wedding, and if they cry then that's what happens. And yes, sometimes you try to calm the kid down before you pull them out of the room.
DeletePeople are not assholes for loving their babies and grand-babies more than your wedding.
And the writer-inner isn't an asshole for loving her wedding more than someone's children who might or might not make the ceremony sound like a daycare center.
DeleteTell the parents what behavior you expect, but don't be an ass about it.
luckily, weddings aren't love-contests.
DeleteGuess what I meant was this: things happen. If it rains on your wedding day, will you be undone? If some travel issue mean a friend misses a flight and can't make it, will your wedding be spoiled? If your grandfather has a cough and keeps making barking sounds, will you give him evils? If the priest trips over your husbands name, will you be devastated? I kind of think your ceremony is an analogy for your marriage. If you can't go with the flow (and trust that everyone will do their best to make you happy / silence their baby / carry an umbrella), you might be in for some surprises about the lack of perfection in other aspects of your future life together. That said, yeah, babysitter. If it's a big deal, you do your best to mitigate it. But otherwise, you've gotta go with the flow.
Deletei don't think i was being harsh; the woman who wrote in used hyperbole, so i read between the lines and responded in turn.
Deletei think it boils down to the fact that some people view their wedding as a reunion of sorts -- a way for family and friends to come together and have some FUN -- while others treat it like a solemn EVENT. if the bride falls into the latter category, the baby probably shouldn't attend at all.
Hahaha I love this letter. The real question here is "can I trust the parents of the baby to handle her in an appropriate way if she starts screaming during the ceremony?" I think that answer is most likely yes, since most people understand that crying baby is not a pleasant sound. But since you're nervous about it, by all means have a chat with the mom and ask her nicely to keep the baby quiet or watch the ceremony from a safe distance in order to not disrupt things. 12 mos is waaaay to young to be flower girl...mine was five and she was still too young, really (got scared when 200 faces turned around and stared at her, broke down crying, groom had to rush down the aisle to hug her and help her...ended up being super cute...on second thought, you should totally include the baby in the ceremony.)
ReplyDeleteOk that sounds ADORABLE!
DeleteAt my parents' wedding my cousin (who was like 3) got to the end of the aisle with a full basket full of petals, dumped the petals out into a pile, STOMPED on them, and then went and tried to hide under the skirt of my aunt (who was the MOH).
Children definitely make weddings memorable.
The real question here is "can I trust the parents of the baby to handle her in an appropriate way if she starts screaming during the ceremony?" WORD !
DeleteI'm cracking up over the whole baby cage thing.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't want the child there during the ceremony, then hire someone (with her parent's permission) to entertain her during those 15 minutes. Or have one of the parents in the back or on the aisle so they can take her away if she fusses.
It might be awesome if you were to provide a brand new toy, of her favorite kind (that DOESN'T make noise), and have someone give it to the parents to present to her just before the wedding starts.
But you can't ask her parents to leave her unattended, without a baby monitor, in a strange house. Especially since children can climb out of playpens and get into lots of trouble in a very short amount of time.
Also, trust me, you will barely notice her unless she starts SCREAMING.
And if she screams, its something that will make your wedding memorable - just make sure you prepare yourself to laugh if she does, not freak out and make a horrible face or cry or something.
Could you say, "We are happy to have sweet (insert little alien thing's name here) sitting with you at the wedding but crying babies aren't allowed during the ceremony."
ReplyDeleteI had 12-month olds who walked. The only way any going down an aisle with flowers could have happened would have been with the flowers on my head and the toddler in my arms.
ReplyDeleteIt's the only wedding you'll have-don't let the kid be flower girl if you don't want it to!
ReplyDeleteI like what Rob said about crying babies not being allowed at the wedding! There is no reason for one coddled child's tantrum to ruin everyone else's time, whether that be a wedding, eating at a restaurant, visiting a museum, shopping, etc. Parents have responsibility to keep their kids in line and should respect your wishes.
But really, it has nothing to do with the child being 'coddled', or parents 'keeping their kids in line'. Babies are BABIES, yo ! They can't be 'kept in line'.
DeleteParents that put their children in scenarios where they can't be well-behaved (ie : a hungry, restless 1-year-old at a wedding, a newborn at a restaurant after her bedtime, a three-year-old on a 3-hour museum excursion, etc) are selfish ASSHOLES ! Not only are they ruining everyone else's experience, they are being shitty parents.
Eh, we had about a million babies at our wedding. I trusted the parents (didn't say anything to them), none cried, and my 18 month old niece was the flower girl. She was awesome - totally cute and fun. Also, she was hiding under my veil during the vows, which was hilarious. However, I chose HER for the job, not the other way around. And we both loved it. I had another niece (13 years old) whose mother asked if she could be the flower girl about a week before the wedding. I said no, and got her to be a greeter instead. Long way to say that it's your choice, and it's okay to just say "no, thank you."
ReplyDeleteYou sound lovely :)
DeleteI too had siblings trying to strong arm me into making their children flower girls/ring bearers. Since I don't like my siblings but now felt guilty wanting just my fiance's niece and nephew in the wedding, we're not having any kids in the wedding. And if anyone asks, my answer has been and will continue to be: I don't actually believe kids like being in weddings so we aren't having any.
ReplyDeleteSince we'll have almost ten kids under the age of 5 at our super small wedding, my plan if a baby starts crying and no one puts a stop to it is to turn and look at the offending peeps until they bounce with the bawling baby. Kind of hard to ignore the bride or groom giving you the stink eye...
oh man I totally loved being a flower girl at my cousin's wedding, but I was definitely a lot older than 12 months (8 years old) and took the job completely seriously, even practicing my walk down the aisle for hours.
DeleteI think if the kid is the type to raise a fit sitting on Santa's lap it's probably not a great idea to have it walk down the aisle.
"how do i ask the parents to put the baby in a baby cage for 15 minutes so she doesn't cry through our ceremony without sounding like a complete raging twat."
ReplyDeleteBecause all babies do is scream their asses off?? Have some faith in the parent. They're not going to stand there while the baby cries and does nothing-- not that a year old child is going to be throwing a tantrum in the first place.
IDK I've been to at least 250 weddings and not one has been ruined by a screaming baby. And lol Greek ceremonies are 45 minutes long too. AND if a baby has been heard to make more noise than just fussing, a parent/grandparent/someone always whisks it away to keep from making a scene. I think you're cool.
"not that a year old child is going to be throwing a tantrum in the first place. " Hmmm, I meant to word that differently. Not a year old child will always throw a tantrum. IDK something like that, but not all kids are super whiny and shit like that.
DeleteBasically, get over it, tell her you're not having flower girls either. What's wrong with people acting like adults all the gd time?
There was a baby at my wedding, it was anything but a big deal; he hardly noticed the ceremony and just kind of crawled around on the floor, being cute and gurgling at the reception. It was not worth even worrying about, I'm so glad I didn't (and you shouldn't either!)
ReplyDeleteNo to the whole "flower girl" thing though. Feel free to put your ballz into that NO.
you're twat adjacent. if the kids parents arent completely re-tard, they will already have an exit strategy. by 12 months i'd hope that they would have been out with the child and know how to calm/bail.
ReplyDeleteas a parent of an almost 12 month old, in no way am i "up in arms" that you'd like to ask that the parents "put the baby in a baby cage" without any adult supervision, BUT your request does make me assume that you're a bit of a moron. are YOU under 25? i can't imagine an adult with an ounce of common sense in their head would suggest such an idea.
ReplyDeletelook, it's totally cool if you don't want this baby at your ceremony, and i agree that making her a flower girl is ridiculous. but, yeah, if it's a major deal to you, you need to pay for some sort of nanny.
BABY CAGE. what. are you serious.
ReplyDeleteI was Bridesmaid to my friend. I hardly heard a word of her vows due to the wailing of her newborn niece in the second row. The parents were apparently totally deaf to it. Bride was livid. And I was for her. Though nothing was said. It was pointless after the event.
ReplyDeleteI reckon you should have a word before hand. Never assume that people will do the right think. We're all a bit nutty in our own special ways. Make sure they are seated so that a sharp exit can be made should loud noises occur.
People love their kids. They won't put them in a cage. This is a good thing.
x
or hire a babysitter for the whole day so your new family members can fully enjoy it instead of running around after the kid.
Deletethe questions on here blow my mind. this person is a total idiot. aww don't want your princess party ruined by a BABY so you want to put it in cage? get over yourself. wahhhhhhhhhh whos' the baby now.
ReplyDeleteListen, I know how you can take care of this and make EVERYBODY happy.
ReplyDeletePut the baby in the baby cage and decorate it with flowers and crap in the colors of your wedding. Place the cage on a cart attached to a MINIATURE HORSE (also decorated in wedding colors crap). Have the tiny horse pull the baby the OPPOSITE way down the aisle into a building where the baby will be out of earshot of the ceremony.
I think this will take care of all of your problems.
Brilliant! This woman is a genius!
DeleteHahahaha, Love it!
DeleteDon't you respect the parents of this child enough to assume that they will do everything possible to keep that baby quiet during the ceremony?
ReplyDeleteMy brother got married this past year, we came prepared with every quiet toy imaginable and my 1 yr old daughter was perfectly content through the 30 minute ceremony. It is completely unreasonable to ask them to "put the baby in a cage" during your ceremony. If you feel this strongly about it, you could have a conversation with them and express your concerns. It would probably result in them not coming at all, but problem solved, right? OR, you could just get over it and not let this one baby ruin your wedding for you. The only thing you're saying that I don't find twat-ish is the flower girl aspect. If you aren't having a bridal party, then including a flower girl who very well might be incapable of walking down the aisle doesn't make any sense.
I've been havering between amusement and horror at the baby cage notion, have decided it probably just comes from a place of ignorance, so lulz it is.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, pretty much what ESB said except why the do you have to make the poor sods *stand* with the baby like it's an unexploded bomb that needs to be thrown at any moment. Just smile ever so sweetly and say you wouldn't want the baby upset for the sake of your ceremony, feel free to take her out if she's getting restless. They'll be relieved to have permission to leave if they need to, really they will.
I'm really glad to see so many commenters haven't been to a wedding (or other important life event) which has been marred by a crying child whose parents have not removed them from the area. Weddings, christenings, funerals - I've seen it occur multiple times at each. If you've been privy to this behaviour it would likely be a worry - so I understand where the OP is coming with the concern.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, not all people are respectful and those are the ones that create this bad picture for everyone else.
That being sad - tone down on the crazy with the whole cage business.
Agreed. I've been to a few weddings where parents let their baby cry or let their toddler shout things out during the ceremony without removing them. Parents usually think "it's just so cute that bubs wants to be involved in the wedding!!:D!lolz!"
DeleteP.S. To those commenters gettin' all agro at the "baby cage" thingy, I'm pretty sure the OP is referring to an enclosed playpen and not an actual LifeTime movie style cage for storing naughty children.
When my daughter was 9 months she was the ring bearer at a friend's wedding. She walked freakishly early. I held one hand, she held the rings on a carabeener in the other. She did not fuss during the long ceremony, clapped when appropriate and napped when she was over it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she's a baby genius. Maybe my partner and I are just super rad parents. Or maybe not all children are nightmares. Later, after she fell asleep, we put her in a baby cage thingy, clipped a baby monitor to my partner's suit and danced the night away.
Perfect use of baby AND baby cage.
-esb's hairdresser
Haha awesome.
DeleteYou are being a bit twatish. The baby need to be with it's parents - end of. If they are good parents they will take the baby out if it makes a noise. As to the flower girl thing, just buy her a froofy dress and a basket for $20 and say she can't come down the aisle though as no one to look after her.
ReplyDeleteooooooooooooomm...?! are you totally nuts? its just a baby. grow up. the ceremony should be about love and family and friends. what if the baby cries?! sure they get up and bring it outside. I don't think you have to ask for it. that could hurt their feelings.
ReplyDeleteWow, this little girl is SO lucky to have you as a future aunt. And no, you cannot leave a 12 month old alone for 15 minutes. Your future children better have a streak of luck.
ReplyDeleteAt our wedding, at the moment of exchanging our rings, my friend's toddler asked his dad: can i have a banana now? Everybody heard it en laughed. It was just a little moment that made our wedding really OUR wedding.
ReplyDeletei know what needs to be said has already been said, but it's hard not to chime in when you've got a kid this age. babies are not pets and you were one once so an ounce of compassion might help for the de-twatting. developmentally all kids are different and there are a ton of kids that walk at 12 months. ready to be flower girls though - probably not so much. but a 12 month old is a lot more aware of their surroundings then say a 3 month old. you might be able to get away with a younger one sleeping away inside the house monitored or with a complete stranger. but at 12mos they are really starting to get what's up. it is your wedding though and you have every right to ask them to keep the kid away. but i say forgo the nanny and have the non-related parent stay with her. really the ceremony is just for you two (although i'm sure parents/grandparents/close peeps will not want to miss it) - isn't that the reason why people ELOPE after all? most of your guests are there to party and really don't give a shit about hearing the i do's. my daughter will be 18 months for her flower girl duties at my bro's wedding in may. if she throws a tantrum during the ceremony, you bet your ass i will whisk her right away. sure i'll be sad to miss the ceremony but i'll do whatever it takes for the sake of my daughter's and my brother's happiness. it's called sacrifice and you do it for the ones you love - crazy concept i know!
ReplyDeleteOK, I have to tell you that we had my 12 month (to the day) old nephew at our wedding. He was actually the ring bearer/flower guy! He hadn't learned to walk on his own quite yet so my brother bought a little push cart-filled it with flowers and he pushed it down the isle. It was the cutest, sweetest thing anyone had ever seen. His mom was behind him encouraging him to push the cart and when he did and everyone clapped he just smiled and kept on going. It really set the tone for the wedding and made it so special! His only practice by the way was that morning! I was so worried as you were and I did have a talk with them asking that if he started to make too much noise if they wouldn't mind stepping out and they understood completely. BTW- my MOM (god love her) made more noise during the ceremony than he did...
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
Or you could put her in a giant hamster ball and she could roll up the aisle?
ReplyDeleteThat is the only scenario in which I could find flower girls acceptable.
Delete